I don't know how to be in a relationship.

[Princess Sei]

So I'm just starting to figure myself out, really, and things have begun to be a little more difficult, I guess?

I just had a breakup, I guess, with my second boyfriend ever. We talked and felt it didn't feel like a relationship, but more like a friendship, but neither of us had the experience to know how that could change.

To be honest, I don't know how you would even begin to change those things. I want to find someone to be with. I want to one day have a spouse and a family. But with all of this I don't even know how that would work.

I don't think I feel any sexual attraction to people, but now it's feeling like I may not even know what romantic feelings are. None of it even seems to be enough for some people. Things are fine with my recent ex, and we're still friends, that one I kind of am blaming on inexperience on both ends.

If anyone has any advice to give, I'd certainly appreciate it. Ever since I realized I'm probably somewhere on the ace spectrum I've been terrified that I'd never achieve the things I want in terms of romance or family, and it's really hard to think about. I just don't know what to do at this point, I guess.

[NerotheReaper]

From what I have observed from my parents, a healthy relationship is two people really caring about one another. Not just like, "meh" but really wanting the best for that person. All couples have fights and disagreements, but it is HOW they solve it. Anyone can scream and curse someone else, it takes a mature person (two people) to work things out. There has been some close calls, but returning to what I said both people have to truly love and care about the other. Relationships won't work if only one person is giving it all their heart, both need to be in the same boat.

That is how I see how relationships should work.

[Splatacus]

I don't pretend to be an expert at all, I'm on my second relationship myself. A relationship works when two people want to be together, and neither's flaws bothers the other. It's not easy finding someone that fits that description, but it's not impossible.

There are asexual people around who want to marry and have children, so it's definitely achievable.

In my experience, I didn't really know what I wanted from a relationship until I tried it? For me, some things have felt right, and others haven't. Without that kind of trial and error to establish what works, I don't know how I'd know what I wanted. It might be that you don't want romance at all, which is fine, it might be that you do, just not with your recent ex, which is also fine. I know it's hard, but try not to worry about things too much. For me, I've just kind of made it up as I go, but I've ended up in a situation where I'm happy. Hopefully you can too. :)

[Star Bit]

Everyone has their own romantic preferences and sometimes they don't match with others. It's perfectly normal and hard to find a (close to) perfect match; that's why most people go through alot of partners before finding a suitable one. You can't change your preferences but you can do things for the other partner when you don't genuinely desire to, but this also requires communication, and if your partner expects you to read their mind then it's gunna fall through (which you need to remind them is a stupid ideal). Though some people don't want compromise and desire mutual desire; which may even be evident in your compromising actions.

Romantic attraction is an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). This is the base requirement, but some people also have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those can also be symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc.

If you don't experience this you may be Cupioromantic; a type of Gray-romantic. If your romantic desires are significantly below average/low key then Hyporomantic may be useful, which is also under Gray-romantic and can be used to refer to more than one type of gray.

[Tarfeather]

I don't think I feel any sexual attraction to people, but now it's feeling like I may not even know what romantic feelings are. None of it even seems to be enough for some people. Things are fine with my recent ex, and we're still friends, that one I kind of am blaming on inexperience on both ends.

There are other reasons than (mutual) romantic and sexual attraction that can make someone desire to be in a life partnership with you. The real trouble is finding such a someone. The romantic / sexual stuff makes it rather easy to at least temporarily care a lot about a person who might not necessarily be such a unique match.

[Princess Sei]

Thanks everyone, a lot of this actually helped quite a bit. I looked into Cupio and that sounds pretty accurate... but at the same time I discovered Quoi and I'm unsure where I stand still, but this has been a pretty big step for me finding terms I relate to more than simple "grey ace." I'm happy to hear out any more advice should anyone else want to comment, and am open to private messages if someone wants to get into more touchy subjects, but for now I'm relieved by the help and comments I've received so far.

[Janus the Fox]

I'd just wing it depending on how i feel, if within a relationship the other feels differently, then its just incompatibility.