HeatherGrace Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 For a while I knew I was on the ace-spectrum and thought I was demisexual for a few months, but after some more thinking I realised that I didn't actually experience sexual attraction (now identifying as asexual) and realised that what I was experiencing was strong sensual attraction and some libido that made me think it was sexual attraction. Has this happened to anyone else? Is it normal for this to happen? - Heather Link to post Share on other sites
ben8884 Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 I think that may in part describe me too Link to post Share on other sites
HeatherGrace Posted August 29, 2016 Author Share Posted August 29, 2016 Hi!! Praise be, we're not alone ;) How do you feel similar or different to what I put above, if you don't mind me asking? - Heather Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 any attraction that _results_ in libido has to be sexual attraction. but sometimes libido and nonsexual attractions exist coincidentally. when that is the case, it's definitely comfusing xD I'd suggest being convinced of yourself that the two, for you, are in fact not related. but yeah that's exactly the thing that fooled me xD then again I settled on grey in the end. so I'm not entirely sure what to suggest for others in this situation. oh! actually... well basically, in the early parts of knowing I was ace spectrum, I was so please to find out about sensual attraction. that's so me! but over time I felt more and more uneasy. everyone talking about sensual attraction... the way they talked about it felt different. not quite the same as me. and I realized, that no other ace I talked to who felt sensual attraction, felt arousal consistently during sensual touches, or felt an interest in sensual touches (partially) because of that arousal. the thing for me is, sensual touching is "sexual" for me, even though "sex" is uncomfortable and weird. its definitely a grey area to be like me for two reasons. one, just as I feel uncomfortable with the passion of most sexual people in bed, I have enough "sexual passion" that most asexuals would be uncomfortable with me as a sensual partner. second, it can be debated whether what I enjoy doing with others counts as sex or not. the key thing that I don't like is genital play, something which I know only because of experience with sexual encounters. Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 oh also one thing to be aware of. it's said to be more common for women to not feel what is called "spontaneous sexual desire", and spontaneous sexual desire is kind of the unofficial mascot of what sexual attraction is. the thing is that some people only feel desire for sex in response to foreplay. that their sexual attraction manifests as desire only during a sexual encounter. as such, they only feel reactive sexual desire. this is probably the number one reason for the saying, "you'll find the right person some day" Link to post Share on other sites
AceInDaBlackHole Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 What is a sensual attraction? Link to post Share on other sites
HeatherGrace Posted August 29, 2016 Author Share Posted August 29, 2016 Sensual attraction is the desire to touch or be touched by someone. This could include things like holding hands, hugging, kissing and stroking etc that aren't inherently sexual. :) Hi Teagan, that's so me too! I was really confused for a while, thinking it was sexual attraction but the desire for genital contact wasn't there and the idea made me uncomfortable. I too regard sensual attraction as slightly sexual to me, I've often of thought making out as my version of sex. Because of all this I did think I was grey-a or demi for a while, but the desire for explicitly sexual contact wasn't there, hence my identifying as asexual. I think like the idea of foreplay, but not necessarily sex. Not 100% on my feelings towards these though because I've never had sex. - Heather Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 Yeah that sounds like me too! Like some times I am actually for sure sexually attracted to a person, where thinking about them or doing something sensual with them is slightly arousing, and I kind of like it, but like the thing is. the idea of doing something about this arousal/attraction? can often be unexciting, or uncomfortable. I never could ever masturbate if I think about a person, it feels weird! and I mean I have had sex and sexual encounters, and it's funny. as long as we are just touching each other or kissing, it feels kind of hot and exciting in a way, but as soon as this moves to sex - oral, intercourse, even at times just hand stimulation - I actually lose that excited feeling, and quickly even lose arousal. It's like there is this "full stop" wired into my brain when it comes to sex. Honestly my story went like this - thought I was bi, but "super" in my ability to forgo my desires, then one day decided to start trying relationships, was always feeling "not ready" for sex, finally had one with sex, and sometimes it was ok, one time it was good, but most of the time it felt like I was forcing myself, and it seemed pretty clear that the people who I liked the most I only wanted to be friends with, nothing more, and all that was confusing. then, I found (a)sexuality, where david jay is shown on an interview where he says "sex just doesn't make sense to my body" and I thought "OMG that is exactly what I feel like" and so I said I must be asexual. but I was hesitant at first, but the thing was that everone was all talking about the same things I felt regarding sex, and I was like, wow, this really is true! but then as I said earlier. I started to notice things were off, when it came to my sensual enjoyment. no one else seemed to find sensual play to involve arousal, and I felt kind of different and alone. Eventually enough people said that they felt that being aroused because of a person was for sure sexual attraction, and that they felt it would be more clear if the label of asexuality was defined as "the lack of sexual desire", that I said, "well I think I must be grey. when it comes to sex I am effectively ace. but I need to be sure to ID by something that clearly differentiates me from a repulsed ace, because I don't want to be telling aces I'm an ace and then get in a relationship and wanna do some sensual things once in a while but in a way that they find sickening. that would be bad" and so I started from then, ID'ing as grey. I know well enough to say "I doubt I'll ever want to have sex" and turn down any sexual who is interested in me, and by the grey label I feel comfortable that any ace who feels neutral about sexuality but would just rather not have sex, basically the kinds of people I would be compatible with, would not be scared off, but the people who I wouldn't be compatible would see me as grey and know to look elsewhere. anyway that's the long story of why I ID as grey. TBH if you think that ace is a better fit, I won't really think that's bad, since what really matters is what you want to reveal yourself as. but I feel that someone like me should ID as grey. I mean it isn't actually that big of a deal being grey though it felt weird at first, and tbh it lets people who try to work towards visibility feel happy about the fact that we're slightly different than the "standard" ace, rather than worry that we'll only give reason for ignorant people to claim that "all aces are just repressed" or something silly like that idk. Link to post Share on other sites
HeatherGrace Posted August 29, 2016 Author Share Posted August 29, 2016 It's weird how similar we are, I thought I was bi too for a while but later realised I was just experiencing aesthetic attraction and went through identifying as grey-a, then demi and now ace. I can't say for sure how I'd respond to sex as I've never had it but I feel it would be similar. It just doesn't really feel necessary for myself and would probably rather do it on my own. That makes sense if you feel more comfortable as grey and that's fine! I just feel more comfortable identifying as ace as though part of me could possibly fall under the grey area, I know I don't experience sexual attraction to people so that's just how I feel more comfortable identifying :) I understand that logic and you make a good point, I'd hate to make anyone feel invalidated or construe any misconceptions. - Heather Link to post Share on other sites
ben8884 Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Basically like has been shared I like cuddling and the idea of kissing and honestly sometimes even the IDEA of sex but the reality of actually doing something and having sex is rather unappealing to me and outside of some curiosity I have no interest in it. I think if I were to have sex I would regret the experience. Link to post Share on other sites
bluedragonwings Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 This is still an issue in my head. I don't know where sensual stops and sexual starts (definition-wise sure but where are my feelings). Thanks to the power of the Internet i can come to places like this and say things like " I am a gray ace questioning ace". Which just sounds weird. I probably won't feel comfortable with my identity until I am in a relationship again as the questioning is recent but have been single for ... 10 years now. Link to post Share on other sites
HeatherGrace Posted August 30, 2016 Author Share Posted August 30, 2016 Same Ben8884! It just doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me and more curious than anything. I know what you mean bluedragonwings, it's quite confusing. There's no shame in being single, you do you and hopefully you'll meet someone who appreciates you for just that. - Heather Link to post Share on other sites
Ms.Frankenstein Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I resonate with this so much. Puberty hormones + anesthetic / sometimes sensual attraction = thinking I had sexual attraction (and never having a reason to question it because it's just assumed.) I thought I was bi for years but I just never wanted to do anything about it. Then I actually had sex, hated it, puberty ended, libido waned almost to nothing and.... Oh. Well. The only reason I had for assuming that I experience sexual attraction is now gone. NOW it makes sense! Link to post Share on other sites
HeatherGrace Posted September 6, 2016 Author Share Posted September 6, 2016 Yes, I assumed as well! I thought that's just what it was...then I realised everyone was saying it was something different and I was left just like "Oh..." . I thought I was bi too for a bit!! I'm glad it makes sense now :) - Heather Link to post Share on other sites
levelskid Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 Oh, yeah. Totally. I get cuddle cravings, especially around petite girls, unfortunately, other parts get activated as a result. Link to post Share on other sites
Specialkay Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 Oh my gosh I've found my people. I've looked around these forums and never quite found people with this particular.. preference for sensual touch accompanied by the confusion for awhile over whether they were asexual or not. Link to post Share on other sites
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