Best ways to reject someone?

[Visenya]

So, I have a problem. I don’t get hit on very often, but when I do, I don’t know what to do. I just want to be prepared for when it happens. The problem is that I'm very shy and have trouble being assertive.

I might have been a bit insensitive and too straightforward in the past, especially if I had to reject someone face-to-face. On the internet, I just stop replying to the person, which is not very nice, but it's quite effective. And personally, I prefer turn someone down in a passive-aggressive way. But sometimes, there's no way to escape.

Most of the time I was hit on, the guy was someone I didn’t know well (or at all). He was just a close acquaintance at best, so the “I only see you as a friend” excuse doesn’t apply in those cases. And I can’t say I have a boyfriend or that I'm a lesbian, because it won’t be very hard to find out I’m lying (I live in a small town and/or the guy and I have mutual friends). So, most of the time, I just freak out and say something like "Oh, God, no! I don't do this sort of thing (hooking up, etc). Sorry!", and the guy just stares at me and says nothing. I bet he's thinking that I'm just bullshitting him, when in fact that excuse is the closest I've ever gotten of telling someone the truth. However, I'd like to keep the reason why I'm rejecting someone's advance private. I'd prefer to sugarcoat things and just use some random excuse, as long as it works.

So, I need some advice. Is there any way to reject someone that is effective, doesn’t require an explanation, and won’t hurt anyone’s feelings/ego? How do you deal with this sort of situation?

Thanks. :)

[nanogretchen4]

You really don't need an excuse not to want to have sex with someone or date them. There's no reasonable expectation that a single heterosexual female must hook up with any male who asks just because he asks. Miss Manners once advised turning down unwanted sexual advances with "No, thank you." If he's enough of a glutton for punishment to ask why, say "I really rather not." If he persists beyond that he's stalking you and I would avoid him or take legal action in extreme cases.

[butterflydreams]

So, I need some advice. Is there any way to reject someone that is effective, doesn’t require an explanation, and won’t hurt anyone’s feelings/ego? How do you deal with this sort of situation?

Not really. Someone probably will get hurt, but that's their problem, not yours. They are adults and part of being an adult is managing your own reactions, letdowns, etc.

I've only had to reject three people in my life. One was a stalker, one grossly misrepresented herself in online dating, and another I just didn't really feel like I clicked with. In all cases, the method was the same: disconnect and silence. I know, that's probably pretty childish, but I'm also not very assertive. This way, people can think whatever they want about me in order to soothe their own egos, but the rejection took place.

Being rejected, I prefer that myself. I've had people outright tell me why they didn't like me, and it sucks. It's not the kinds of things I could improve on. Silence works just as well. I get that people want to be mature and make clean breaks, and "we can all be adults about this" but as someone who's been explicitly or implicitly rejected constantly, I'd rather just make up my own narrative for why things didn't work.

[Guest]

"No, thank you" works pretty well.

[Sally]

Being passive-aggressive or sugarcoating something doesn't really work well. It usually results in you not appearing to be honest with them. You have the right to say "No thank you" and as others have said, that's what's best to say, for you and for them.

[WinterWanderer]

I've had this problem, too, and when I went to my friends for help, one of my guy friends said, "Don't. Don't reject them." Hmm... alrighty, then. I'll just go out with every guy who asks me out, even if they've only known I existed for about 5 minutes... Great idea...

I've found that just saying politely, "I'm sorry, I appreciate it, but I'm not interested" is the best way to go about it. Don't feel like you have to come up with an excuse - like that you're already seeing someone, you have X going on and don't have time for a relationship, etc. Just give a simple answer: you're not interested. As others here have said, anything more than that isn't necessary.

[Anime Pancake]

Any of these should probably work

1) be nice and honest or suggest being friends

2) Avoid or ignore them, show no interest in interacting with them

3) Say you're not interested in dating anyone right now

[Contrarian Expatriate]

Always best to be upfront and direct about having no interest in that person. And whatever you do, NEVER suggest being friends with someone who has romantic interest in you. You and he or she should just keep it moving because the romantic interest will likely rear its head again.

Firm but polite is the tone to take, but if they insist, be more assertive in your tone and just walk away.

Sometimes that is not even enough with the narcissists out there who will try to wear you down into liking them back or give you hell in the process. Steer clear of them by ignoring them or seeking assistance from the police, your friends, etc.

[teerex]

I have this problem, and it's awkward and makes me uncomfortable for like, a week afterwards. It's really the main reason I just don't "go" places like, go out to bars with friends, but obviously if you don't want to take my hermit route, just saying a sort of "thanks but no thanks" is okay. They might be a dick about it but who cares, they're not worth your time anyway :)

Trying to make your attitude less open is another thing but I know it's hard for me personally to be rude to people or show no interest in talking to people. But maybe don't tell them much about yourself and they might think you're too weird to hook up with (as if, haha). Or if you're able to, try to mingle less by yourself... Talking to others in a group so the pressure isn't on you and nobody can really talk to you alone and ask you out. Just being more aware of the social dynamics can sometimes keep you from situations like that.

[Visenya]

Being passive-aggressive or sugarcoating something doesn't really work well. It usually results in you not appearing to be honest with them. You have the right to say "No thank you" and as others have said, that's what's best to say, for you and for them.

I'm starting to notice that. I don't know why I keep insisting on that strategy. I always think to myself "Well, I think this time it will work and the guy will realize I'm not interested" but it never does. -_-

I've tried the "No, thank you. I'm just not interested" approach a couple of times and, to be honest, it seems to me that it makes people think I'm even more stuck up/full of shit/whatever than if I had just given them some stupid, random excuse. Besides, sometimes men don't ask me out in a direct way, but I can still tell that they're interested. The problem is that I feel bad for being so straightforward. If the guy is just talking, as if he's just trying to get to know me, I feel uncomfortable just saying something like "Hey, I know what you're trying to do here, but you better just forget about it and move on to someone else, ok, honey?".

Not really. Someone probably will get hurt, but that's their problem, not yours. They are adults and part of being an adult is managing your own reactions, letdowns, etc.

I've only had to reject three people in my life. One was a stalker, one grossly misrepresented herself in online dating, and another I just didn't really feel like I clicked with. In all cases, the method was the same: disconnect and silence. I know, that's probably pretty childish, but I'm also not very assertive. This way, people can think whatever they want about me in order to soothe their own egos, but the rejection took place.

Being rejected, I prefer that myself. I've had people outright tell me why they didn't like me, and it sucks. It's not the kinds of things I could improve on. Silence works just as well. I get that people want to be mature and make clean breaks, and "we can all be adults about this" but as someone who's been explicitly or implicitly rejected constantly, I'd rather just make up my own narrative for why things didn't work.

I'm sorry, but I laughed at the bolded part. :lol:

Maybe that's the problem: I worry waaaay too much about what other people will think of me. That, or I get too excited about being paid attention to (I don't have many friends) that I keep putting it off and expecting that the guy will eventually settle for my friendship (I try to tell "bad things" about me, like not liking kids or being an atheist, to see if he loses interest. It's dumb and doesn't work).

And I also prefer not knowing why are people rejecting me for that exact same reason. I've never understood why people want to know why you're rejecting them. I can't guarantee that I would like them, even if what turned me off was something they could change about themselves. I've never felt too hurt if someone in particular rejected me, because I know that attraction is not something you can control, but some people take it too personally and decide to take it out on you. =/

Seriously, though, if I weren't shy and didn't have low self-esteem, I'd prefer being the one taking the iniciative.

(...) And whatever you do, NEVER suggest being friends with someone who has romantic interest in you. You and he or she should just keep it moving because the romantic interest will likely rear its head again. (...)

Dumb question: what if you're not sure if the guys is interested in you in a romantic way? What if the guy is just physically attracted to you, and doesn't seem to be even thinking about something more serious (at least not yet)? Would suggest being friends such a bad thing, then?

[Polygon]

I would just say be honest. Some of my friends get all giggly/nervous whenever they reject someone that asked them out, and the person that asked takes that as some kind of invitation to keep bugging them. As others have said, polite but firm. You have no obligation to them whatsoever.

[Sally]

Dumb question: what if you're not sure if the guys is interested in you in a romantic way? What if the guy is just physically attracted to you, and doesn't seem to be even thinking about something more serious (at least not yet)? Would suggest being friends such a bad thing, then?

If the guy is just physically attracted to you, he probably isn't thinking of being friends. You don't need to suggest anything.

[Éadweard]

You have to be direct. It's the only way.

[Visenya]

If the guy is just physically attracted to you, he probably isn't thinking of being friends. You don't need to suggest anything.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I think I was being a bit too optimistic about things. -_-

[Contrarian Expatriate]

(...) And whatever you do, NEVER suggest being friends with someone who has romantic interest in you. You and he or she should just keep it moving because the romantic interest will likely rear its head again. (...)

Dumb question: what if you're not sure if the guys is interested in you in a romantic way? What if the guy is just physically attracted to you, and doesn't seem to be even thinking about something more serious (at least not yet)? Would suggest being friends such a bad thing, then?

I can only tell you what works for me. I tend to tell women that while I like women romantically, I have no sexual interest in them whatsoever. That gets it out in the open and let's me determine if she is ok with that or not.

I also am ok with romantic relationships with that rare woman who floats my boat, but I am not ok with any sexual relationships; they two different concepts.

There is a book called Radical Honesty that talks about the pragmatic benefits of being upfront and honest. I would recommend that book.

[Guest]

You have to be direct. It's the only way.

This. Blunt, honest clarity. Anything less than that will be seen as "there's still some chance, I'll just have to try harder" by more folks than you'd think possible. You don't owe people detailed explanations, and you don't need to cotton-wrap it up in excessive politeness - just a firm "no, I'm not interested".

[Podsnap]

I usually say I want to be friends because I really am lonely and would like to be friends. It doesn't work tho. They think that if we get into hanging out and I get to know them better, eventually I'll be alright with taking it to the next level and then after several months of this it all ends with everyone's feelings being hurt. So, basically, these days, I mostly just avoid the opposite sex.

Sorry, I know my response is not helpful at all. ^_^

[Tarfeather]

Being rejected, I prefer that myself. I've had people outright tell me why they didn't like me, and it sucks. It's not the kinds of things I could improve on. Silence works just as well. I get that people want to be mature and make clean breaks, and "we can all be adults about this" but as someone who's been explicitly or implicitly rejected constantly, I'd rather just make up my own narrative for why things didn't work.

Geez, I'd love to be explicitly rejected one of these days. But nah, everyone has to be so nice about it, to the point where I literally can't tell the difference between whether someone's being polite or someone's actually into me, until the moment they fling their arms around me.

[Visenya]

I usually say I want to be friends because I really am lonely and would like to be friends. It doesn't work tho. They think that if we get into hanging out and I get to know them better, eventually I'll be alright with taking it to the next level and then after several months of this it all ends with everyone's feelings being hurt. So, basically, these days, I mostly just avoid the opposite sex.

Sorry, I know my response is not helpful at all. ^_^

It was helpful. :)

I wouldn't mind if the guy wanted to become friends before asking me out or something (I'm probably demi), but most guys would still want to move a bit too fast for me, and I wouldn't be able to promise anyone that I may develop feelings for them. Besides, being hit on/asked out by someone I'm not romantically interested in makes me feel sufocated. It's horrible! So, the more I think about it, the more I realize that suggest being friends wouldn't be a good idea.

Geez, I'd love to be explicitly rejected one of these days. But nah, everyone has to be so nice about it, to the point where I literally can't tell the difference between whether someone's being polite or someone's actually into me, until the moment they fling their arms around me.

I can't speak for everyone else, but personally, when the guy is more straightforward about his interest, it makes it a lot easier for me to be more honest about my rejection. But I still wouldn't be too explicit, because depending on the case, it would be uncalled for. It'd just hurt the guy. Maybe there's a way to be straightforward and diplomatic about it, but what do I know? I'm a doormat -_- (I think I'll check out the book Contrarian Expatriate recommended).

[Yuri Daisuki]

I would just say "you deserve someone better" or "you're a really nice person, I'm sure you would find someone who's much better than I am, someone who would truly cherish you"

[books are better than sex]

I've only had to reject people twice in my life but both times i said generally the same thing and I think it worked out well. What I usally start with is

1) it was really brave of you to tell me how you feel that can take guts and I appreciate it.

2) however I'm not ready for a relationship right now and don't know if I ever will be.

3) you do seem like a great person though so I would love to get to know you better as a friend if possible.

(And if you think they're creepy and don't want to be friends with them just leave out step three.)

[Philip027]

This is a case of the direct approach being the best approach.

I've tried the "No, thank you. I'm just not interested" approach a couple of times and, to be honest, it seems to me that it makes people think I'm even more stuck up/full of shit/whatever than if I had just given them some stupid, random excuse.

That's their problem.

And whatever you do, NEVER suggest being friends with someone who has romantic interest in you. You and he or she should just keep it moving because the romantic interest will likely rear its head again.

People have done this with me and it's turned out just fine (some of my best friendships, actually) in each case.

I don't feel it's wrong to offer such a thing as long as it's genuine.

[Tarfeather]

I don't feel it's wrong to offer such a thing as long as it's genuine.

Weird coincidence in my life, in this situation always one of three things has happened to me:

- It wasn't genuine, and the friendship broke up because of that.

- It was genuine, and I ended up being content with "just" the friendship.

- It was genuine, and the other ended up wanting to be in a relationship with me.

In other words, it's never happened to me that I was unhappy in a genuine friendship where the other simply didn't return my romantic feelings. The problem has always been, them claiming to want to be friends, but in reality having no interest in any form of emotional intimacy.

[henshin]

Welcome to problematic gender roles!

Men are encouraged to aggressively go after women and that if they try hard enough, a girl will say yes.

Women are encouraged to be polite and deferential so that they won't come across as a bitch/dyke/angry feminist.