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Please help; Overwhelmed by libido


Azazel

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I wouldn't consider myself a grey ace; I experience no sexual attractions, do not wish to engage in any kind of sexual activity, and I'm somewhat repulsed (not of theoretical discussion of sex, but certainly of the idea of actually doing anything, be it with a partner or myself).

Now, I get that it's normal that Aces may still experience a libido. However, I'm convinced that my libido is unnaturally strong, and it frequently overwhelms me. I will be hit with a wave of urge and it is usually too difficult to resist giving in, which leads me to doing things that I definitely do not want to do.

I have in the past had a brush with alcoholism, and I feel strong parallels here. Being drawn to the act not out of any enjoyment but simply out of an abstract poisonous "need". The intoxication that kicks in once I give in to the need, which snowballs into ever worse actions and continually increases the strength of the "need".The misery and shame I feel afterwards. The difficulty of having to live in a world where it's constantly championed as a desireable thing, and that only making so much more difficult not to give into the "need".

It is tearing away at me. Frequently I feel abused by myself. I do not want to do these sexual things, ever. I'm also terrified that people would use this to invalidate my identity as asexual, which could then lead to unwanted pressure in relationships.

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Libido is supposed to be like that (minus the guilt), but some people have libido dysphoria. There are some things you can do to decrease it; google how to lower libido. If you're female bodied you could try birth control (depending on the brand's effect on your body it may increase or decrease or remain the same, so you may have to try several). But maybe your guilt is coming from your fear of not being seen as asexual. Your libido rate has nothing to do with your orientation. There are asexuals with high libidos and most asexuals masturbate, while some sexuals actually don't; though this is because they can't (or find it difficult to) and can only get off during sex. If you have a partner that's pressuring you for sex then they're not the right partner for you. There's nothing wrong with you, you just don't match and need to move on to the next fish in the sea (there are many, never forget that). There are also asexual dating sites, asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN, and a minority of sexual people are ok with a sexless relationship.

You should also tell a sexual partner about your asexuality on the first date. However, if you do not know them prior then this is saved as late as the 3rd date (to make sure you want to date them). But this is assuming you don't communicate alot or have alot of time between dates, because if so then you should tell them then rather than wait a long time. It needs to be simple and explicitly explained (there are people who have misconceptions on what asexual means). Something like "I'm asexual; i don't desire sex with anyone ever and am/am not able to sexually compromise" needs to be stated. And don't take it personally if they say they can't be with you because of it; we're not the only ones with those problems; sexual aromantics and people with fetishes get turned down. It's nothing against you personally, it's just harder to find a match when you're like that and it's probably better to just date someone with the same quark.

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Hey Azazel :cake:

I have felt the exact thing you describe about my own libido. Up until about two and a half years ago, I felt terrible about it. It felt like an addiction, exactly like you describe. So yeah, I feel you there :( *offers hugs*

My guilt has gone now and my libido is quieter. Nowadays it's at its strongest when I'm ovulating and can still be ignored then, with a bit of will-power. I never thought this could be possible.

I think what changed is a mixture of things. I'm on antidepressants, which may well have decreased my libido. Wouldn't recommend antidepressants unless you need them though because they come with other lovely side effects >_>

I think what got rid of the guilt, though, was learning about masturbation. Going on websites that explain it scientifically, going on AVEN and asking people about it, I also read a lot on a website I think called "asexual archive".

I really hope you can find a way to be okay with this. Occasionally I still feel a remnant of guilt about my libido but it's fairly easy to kick it down. I'm here if you want to talk more about it.

Xx

Crow

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nanogretchen4

It's normal to have a libido, just like it's normal to get hungry. At present people are exposed to a lot of pornographic imagery, and food is elaborately processed with a lot of added sugar and salt. Natural hardwired reward pathways are getting stimulated in an exaggerated an unnatural fashion. Some people can enjoy this in moderation and no harm done, just like some people can drink alcohol in moderation. Other people develop compulsive behaviors very similar to addictions surrounding food or sex. I don't see why being asexual would make someone immune to watching porn compulsively or masturbating compulsively. This could be what is happening to you. Or, as other have said, you could be overreacting to your natural libido. I can't tell you which is happening to you. But in either case I think you are giving your libido too much power in your life. Meditation might be helpful in this situation. You can notice an urge without reacting to it with fear or self loathing or whatever, and also without believing that you must act on it.

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Thank you everyone for being supportive, this is difficult to talk about for me.

My current partner would not pressure me into sex, it's just that when I give in to these urges I will attempt to initiate, and naturally they take that as consent. It is not their fault, I have not communicated about this enough yet due to shame. I felt that maybe I'm just confused or not really asexual and should just give in to these biological urges and learn to enjoy what follows and just accept it.

Part of my problem is that I am also repulsed by self-stimulation. Maybe that's weird? I get after reading stuff here that being asexual is about sexual attraction, not about how you feel doing sex, but I just also feel this way. When I'm alone, I tend to give in to the urge in the hopes that it'll be over quick and that I'll only feel awful for a short while.

EDIT: I should mention that I am mute, so it makes communication with my partner a bit difficult.

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nanogretchen4

If you initiate sex, that is consent, period. You can withdraw consent partway through the act, sure, but you need to actively and clearly state that you want to stop. You can't actively participate at the time and then retroactively withdraw consent after it's over. You have to make your own sexual choices and accept the responsibility for them.

I believe that you need to get out of your current relationship ASAP and not even consider dating another sexual person until you are absolutely clear and confident that your yes means yes and your no means no.

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nanogretchen4

Ninja'd. If you can't speak you need a "safe signal" that will immediately stop the action. It needs to be something unambiguous that your partner will definitely notice.

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Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that my partner should stand in for my self-control. I just meant to illustrate that it is my fault for not communicating about my problems enough, and for not really understanding them, and that I do not hold them accountable at all.

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butterflydreams

I definitely have to agree with nano here.

You have this guilt aspect of sex/self-stimulation/libido/etc going on and I think that puts you in a weird place in a sexual relationship. Sorting through these guilty feelings is very difficult. In one way or another, I've been working on it for most of my life. Have you considered talking about it with a neutral third party or therapist? A lot of times these kinds of guilty feelings are instilled in us when we're young, which makes them pervasive, but not impossible to conquer. Someone else might be able to help you work through them and arrive at a better place.

It's worrying to me that you'd say you're initiating things but then regretting it or feeling bad about it after the fact. That's not a good place to be in. Initiation is pretty plain in terms of consent. While you can of course bail at any time, my worry is that you'd be in this "just push through it" mindset and you wouldn't think to stop things until it was all over.

Mostly though, it sounds like you just have these guilt issues, and I think working through that would help you a lot, regardless of everything else.

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Correct, the only requirement for being asexual is not desiring sex with anyone; not even after foreplay or sexual arousal. Masturbation nor sexually compromising (or even enjoying it) has any effect on it.

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