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What the hell am I?!


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I am going to condense years of insanity and anxiety over orientation into as few bullet points as a I can. The whole story to explain would take too long and nobody got time for that:

* Ever since I was a young child, I never wanted any kind of relationship. One of my most vivid moments was in high school in a 'Discovery' class (think high school philosophy) where, during a discussion, every single person said "I ultimately want a family and someone to be close to." This wasn't "I am 15, I want to bang!" but rather true, deep intimate love. I thought that kind of thing would be desired later in life.

* Me and sex have an odd relationship. I am a virgin (mid-20's male) who is disgusted when 'sex is real.' Only way I could describe it to my friend Bill: "Imagine we are at a restaurant and we both see an attractive woman. We might both get those quick male thoughts. However, once I know who the person is, I cannot think of them in a sexual manner without being sickened. It is like this; picture yourself in bed with a woman and you are probably fine as it 'isn't real.' Now, imagine Jane (his wife) walking in on it and you seeing the look of horror and devastation on her face." He made a very sour look and said he felt like he was going to puke, Whenever I think of myself with another person or people in my age group with another person, I get ill.

* I have felt like absolute trash in regards to how I feel about sex. 'I want to want to have sex.' I wanted to have sex maybe because of the "what the hell kind of person doesn't want sex?!" that I am sure most of you can understand and maybe even "well, maybe I won't feel so repulsed by this." Without going into details: this repulsion and 'wanting to want' nearly killed me.

* I do masturbate though it usually is not overly pleasurable. Pornography is fine because 'it is not real' to me. If I were to watch two people have sex in front of me I would probably feel ill.

* Since 2012, I just figured I was asexual and this acceptance helped out a bit.

Annnd then I met Mary. Mary is a friend of Bill and Jane. I have known her for about a year but only really recently as a "I can send her a text message saying hello and it wouldn't be strange' for about 6 months.

And I very much want to sleep with her. The stuff that goes through my head when I think of her is the kind of stuff that would be edited out of 50 Shades of Gray and would make a pornstar blush. And I think of her in a sexual way where it is me, Joe, myself, sleeping with her. I don't find anything particularly fascinating about her, certainly not romantic love, other than the fact that she is officially the only person I have ever known and still thought of in a sexual fashion.

I honestly cannot explain it. The objective person, who certainly isn't me, wouldn't say that Mary is ten bajillion times more attractive than anyone else but I would wholeheartedly have to disagree. I probably don't go longer than 24 hours without thinking about a number of things that are along the lines of "I want to look into her eyes as they roll back into her skull."

Aromantic seems to still make sense as I have not ever thought or felt that kind of love but this sudden intense lust that I have never experienced in my life confuses me greatly.

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Well, you are, first and foremost, a person. I think a lot of different people could probably toss a lot of different labels your way that might be able to describe what you're feeling, but at the end of the day, it's only a word, and no matter how many words we invent, none of them are ever going to fit us 100% of the time. The labels and the definitions are super useful in finding a community of people who are like you and can empathize, but they can also be somewhat arbitrary and we shouldn't use the label to define us.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'll get off my soapbox. Probably, you don't think any of that was especially helpful because what you really want is validation for what you're feeling, right? So, my first question is: If she were in front of you, completely willing and ready to go, do you think you would actually want to go through with it, or in reality, do you think you would be uncomfortable? Is it just fantasizing, or a very real lust that you think you would act on?

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