I don't want this (gender rant)

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

Lately my thoughts have been more masculine, or I've had some masculine thoughts. The other day my brother called me madam, and in my head I corrected him to sir. I don't want people to use he pronouns for me, or for my siblings to call me their brother- it seems kind of like overkill to me.

I found that I had written in one of my journals: "I'm trying to wear lipstick only when I feel masculine." This is kinda like that other post (Finn.'s Rant about Genderfluidity, I think?), about how makeup isn't inherently gendered and masculinity is kind of the opposite of femininity. I was thinking about that, and I think that's true for me too: that maybe part of the reason I'm trying to be masculine is because it's so... unfeminine.

But the thing is, I don't want to feel masculine. I mean, I do if I'm not really thinking about it, but if I start thinking about it, I get freaked out. I think part of it is that I'm used to the idea that men have privilege. In my family, and in society, it seems, men and masculinity are toxic.

Like I said in an earlier post, I want to go back to being a lesbian, and being in that community. If I take my gender identity out of the mix, it's like "Yeah, I could totally fit in there." But once I go back to remembering, I feel like I don't fit anywhere.

I could fit into the trans or nonbinary communities, and I should look into more resources in my area. But for now, I feel like I don't have a place.

Sometimes I call myself a boy in my head. I think part of the reason why I want to be masculine (well, sometimes) is because I don't want to be perceived as feminine. I know I can't change who I am, and if I tried to I wouldn't be happy, but... I don't really feel happy like this, either.

In the words of Mary Lambert, "I can't change, even if I tried, even if I wanted to."

Does anyone have advice? I'm not good at just ~accepting~ things, but I'm trying to.

[Pearlygates]

Just go with the flow of what you're feeling like. Don't force anything that doesn't seem natural to you. It's only going to make you dissatisfied with life in general. If you're feeling sad, be sad, you're feeling happy be happy if you're feeling masculine/feminine be that. It's really that easy. Don't overthink it and don't think what people might think of you. Be yourself and be strong. You can lie to everybody else, but you can't lie to yourself. because you're the one who knows the truth.