Anyone here in a stable mixed relationship?

[Tarfeather]

Honestly, I need someone to talk to, and I don't know what's happened to this subforum because I feel like everyone who's still here is in some way unhappy with what they've got.

Or if there's any ace whose partner broke up with them for incompatibility reasons, I guess I'd like to hear your story.

[Guest]

Well, I am. Stable and happy aren't the same, btw. Anyway, the point of this forum is to discuss the sexual incompatibilities, not how funny our partners are, so yeah, there's definitely going to be more negativity in the threads than if a more benign topic was at hand.

[Guest]

I'm not sure if Feral, Great WTF or others who are in happy mixed relationships are still around. Happy mixed relationships exist, I just... don't know if they're still active since they lack the issues that they need to talk about.

You know mine ended. And my partner wasn't happy. I have been asked out by sexuals since, but I wouldn't call anything a relationship. So, I can't really add too much. But, perhaps one of the others who are in happy mixed relationships will stop by seeing this thread.

[Tarfeather]

I guess 'stable' really is the wrong word, yes. What I mean is that you don't see your partner's asexuality as something problematic or some kind of troublesome situation you've gotten yourself into, but rather as intrinsic part of the person who you love, and that you cherish that aspect of them.

There might be people who see it that way here, hence this thread. I've just not really been getting that vibe, lately..

[Guest]

Can't it be both? Lots of things between two people are both a pain in the ass and an intrinsic part of who they are. Like... pretty much all traits. My partner gets annoyed as hell at my inability to understand certain jokes and my joyful way of glaring when I've reached my limit on being chatted to... absolutely a part of who I am, absolutely part of what's loved in me, but also, absolutely something that can be problematic and is a pain in the ass for her. I don't see why sex differences are any different. It doesn't make you a better person to blindly adore your partner... acknowledging issues, differences, etc, is good and healthy and the only way to have a real partnership.

[Notte stellata]

I'm in a happy mixed relationship. I mostly just lurk in this forum, because there's not much for me to talk about, and my situation is different from most mixed couples' (I'm "sex-favorable" and we're poly) so I don't relate to their problems very much.

[Tarfeather]

Can't it be both? Lots of things between two people are both a pain in the ass and an intrinsic part of who they are. Like... pretty much all traits. My partner gets annoyed as hell at my inability to understand certain jokes and my joyful way of glaring when I've reached my limit on being chatted to... absolutely a part of who I am, absolutely part of what's loved in me, but also, absolutely something that can be problematic and is a pain in the ass for her. I don't see why sex differences are any different. It doesn't make you a better person to blindly adore your partner... acknowledging issues, differences, etc, is good and healthy and the only way to have a real partnership.

"Can it be both"? Yes, I suppose it is in the realm of the possible. Does it have to be both? No. Is it okay for it to be both very often? No.

There are some select few things about my partner that are "a pain in the ass". Those things come down to her OCD, and she herself agrees that they're a problem. Do I love her for those things? No, I merely tolerate them, as I should. If she ever gets past that stuff, she'll still be herself and the very same person I love now.

Her asexuality is a different matter. I've certainly felt it to be both in the past, and it's taken me a lot of reflection and thought to get to the mental point I'm at. It's not "blind adoration". It's acceptance of her being, and a realization that, hey, if I'm not genuinely okay with the no sex thing, I won't ever be a good partner to her.

So yeah, I'd argue that if it's a permanent state of "both", that's a serious issue. If it's some core part of them and they have no intention to change in that regard, then either you work toward not having an issue with how they are, or you give up. There's no middle ground IMO.

And the same goes for the example you brought up. Yeah, I genuinely wouldn't feel comfortable with that. I acknowledge that not 100% of interactions with your partner are of a positive nature, but if it gets to a point where it's not just random, unstructured issues, but something actually identifiable of "I don't like this about you, even though it's a part of who you are", I'd take issue with that. There's no such thing about my partner for me, and there's no such thing about me for my partner; It's why we're so close in the first place, we're just a very good match on anything other than sexuality (and mind, that's a rather recent development, like the last 4 months or so, before that things used to be very different for us). I don't really care what you think about that, but I do know that it's one of the main reasons I'm comfortable in this relationship despite the sexual incompatability.

[Guest]

Yes Tar, you're clearly a better human than those of us who are open and honest.

[MrDane]

Well, im sexual and im happy with my ace-wife, who could easily do without sex ever again and who is much less physical in her 'showing love', than I am!

I love her. She loves me. We have a great family/partnership with kids. We generally agree on everything, and we never need to quarrel. I love her, for making an effort to make a good relationship. I dont love having scheduled, once-in-a-while, mostly for me-sex! ...but i love her and i love sex and i get both!

[Tarfeather]

Well, im sexual and im happy with my ace-wife, who could easily do without sex ever again and who is much less physical in her 'showing love', than I am!

I love her. She loves me. We have a great family/partnership with kids. We generally agree on everything, and we never need to quarrel. I love her, for making an effort to make a good relationship. I dont love having scheduled, once-in-a-while, mostly for me-sex! ...but i love her and i love sex and i get both!

What would you do if your partner wasn't okay with sex?

[MrDane]

Well, im sexual and im happy with my ace-wife, who could easily do without sex ever again and who is much less physical in her 'showing love', than I am!I love her. She loves me. We have a great family/partnership with kids. We generally agree on everything, and we never need to quarrel. I love her, for making an effort to make a good relationship. I dont love having scheduled, once-in-a-while, mostly for me-sex! ...but i love her and i love sex and i get both!

What would you do if your partner wasn't okay with sex?

I have thought about it! ...and im happy I dont have to think more!

Sorry about TMI

It has always been a bit difficult, and i have always hoped for a development of our sex life, but it has been a decline! I hope, we have settled now, and she is ok in the future as well! (But im in fear of menopause...)

If she says :"honey, i love you! ...but I dont want to have sex ever again. I dont even want to give you a hand. Its over. I tried and tried and it was to much.!" .???

I guess, i would insist on still having a sex life! ...but i would go , oh, ever so far to stay with her! I would, at least, be open about it!

...but i dont know! Maybe i would go from advanced masturbating to swinger club! I would never cheat or visit a prostitue. Im quite monogamous, but also afraid of falling in love, if i find a "fuckbuddy"! What if she would be miserable about me, having my good times with other people? I dont want her to be miserable and i dont want her to be the reason why im miserable!

Not easy! I hope I dont have to make that decision

[SoyCaptain]

Sexual in a fairly new (5mo) relationship with an asexual guy. We're still working out where our level of compromise will be but we're pretty stable and happy.

There was also that newbie who posted about being happy with their ace girlfriend who you shot down for being happy because their relationship was new, but for some reason I can't see them weighing in here. :)

[Tarfeather]

Sexual in a fairly new (5mo) relationship with an asexual guy. We're still working out where our level of compromise will be but we're pretty stable and happy.

There was also that newbie who posted about being happy with their ace girlfriend who you shot down for being happy because their relationship was new, but for some reason I can't see them weighing in here. :)

Ya.. well, that wasn't good of me. Not that I regret the content of what I said, but the tone could have been more diplomatic. I really do think that you have to be 1-2 years into the relationship without sex to get a sense of what it actually means to be in a sexless relationship, so having someone generalize about sexual compromise who hasn't experienced that was a bit uncomfortable at that point. I'd express it differently now, though.

[SithLord]

Me and my bf are in a good relationship at the moment. I guess stable would describe it. He's the sexual and I'm the asexual and I know my asexuality bugs him sometimes just as his heterosexuality bugs me sometimes, more the former than the latter for biology reasons really. I don't think he'd break up with me for my asexuality because our problems are more my laziness in regards to compromising, and we often wish that he was ace or I was hetero because the relationship might be easier, but we're still happy.

[Null_and_Void]

Quite stable, yes. Happy? Incredibly. Satisfied with the absolute lack of anything even remotely sexual? Hell no, but it's certainly worth it.

I love my girlfriend; we've been together for over 4 years (entirely online, yet to meet in person, which greatly bothers me, but it's neither of our faults. I can explain in greater detail if you want), and she is most certainly the greatest thing to ever happen to me. We get along much better than either of us do with anyone else, we enjoy each others' humor, etc. However, she is asexual, and she has made it very apparent that she would be absolutely mortified to have ANY degree of sexual contact at all. That most certainly sucks, but I don't think sex is the most important thing in a relationship, nor do I think she owes it to me, so I just accept that that's not a part of our relationship, and it never will be. It drives me crazy sometimes, sure, but it's nothing compared to how crazy I'd be without her. So yes, I'm very happy.

[Tarfeather]

Quite stable, yes. Happy? Incredibly. Satisfied with the absolute lack of anything even remotely sexual? Hell no, but it's certainly worth it.

I love my girlfriend; we've been together for over 4 years (entirely online, yet to meet in person, which greatly bothers me, but it's neither of our faults. I can explain in greater detail if you want), and she is most certainly the greatest thing to ever happen to me. We get along much better than either of us do with anyone else, we enjoy each others' humor, etc. However, she is asexual, and she has made it very apparent that she would be absolutely mortified to have ANY degree of sexual contact at all. That most certainly sucks, but I don't think sex is the most important thing in a relationship, nor do I think she owes it to me, so I just accept that that's not a part of our relationship, and it never will be. It drives me crazy sometimes, sure, but it's nothing compared to how crazy I'd be without her. So yes, I'm very happy.

Yeah, to be honest, I wouldn't be fine with that, either. Not being sexually desired, is difficult, but possible to bear. However, I still consider physical contact and being bodily intimate, to be part of overall "relationship"-style intimacy. If my partner didn't want any of that stuff, I'd consider it a platonic friendship. Fortunately, she does want it, it's just the sexual desire itself she doesn't experience.

I admire you for pulling that off. Is poly an option for you?

[Null_and_Void]

[

Yeah, to be honest, I wouldn't be fine with that, either. Not being sexually desired, is difficult, but possible to bear. However, I still consider physical contact and being bodily intimate, to be part of overall "relationship"-style intimacy. If my partner didn't want any of that stuff, I'd consider it a platonic friendship. Fortunately, she does want it, it's just the sexual desire itself she doesn't experience.

I admire you for pulling that off. Is poly an option for you?

Well she's still fine with physical affection such as hugging, cuddling, and kissing, just nothing sexual, so I wouldn't call it platonic. And no, I myself am demisexual, and I have absolutely no desire to be with anyone else.

[newbieme]

Stable, but unhappy here. Demi with very old fashioned ideals with a trying very hard sexual. Our hang up isn't lack of sex. It's my constant knowledge that he is the now (only in compromise to me) occasional looker, but not toucher. Science informs me he can't help it. I'm almost always upset that he can put any sexual energy thought into anyone else. Sex and romance for me, don't have a distinction. There's a (non-religion based) sanctity to all of it, that he by looking pisses on for lack of a better term. So the connection and specialness diminishes for me. I get very hurt. There aren't esteem issues, just an imbalance he can't give me what I give him 110% of my romantic and sexual attention. I am desperately trying to find a therapist, but I don't know how much longer this long term relationship can exist or if I can be with anyone but another demisexual male who can't look either.

[Marlimouse]

Well, im sexual and im happy with my ace-wife, who could easily do without sex ever again and who is much less physical in her 'showing love', than I am!

I love her. She loves me. We have a great family/partnership with kids. We generally agree on everything, and we never need to quarrel. I love her, for making an effort to make a good relationship. I dont love having scheduled, once-in-a-while, mostly for me-sex! ...but i love her and i love sex and i get both!

Can I ask you a personal question? I am like you, very very happy and in love with my husband who I believe (and he thinks he may be) is asexual. Over the years we have tried compromising, but it's more me compromising than him. Not because he doesn't care about me, but because sex is so far off his radar that it doesn't even occur to him. At best, we average making love once every six to eight weeks . It's difficult. What I'm trying to work out is if that is the norm in a compromise re frequency? I would like a lot more often, but is that too much to ask of him? So my question is, what sort of frequency does your ace-wife feel ok with? I know it's different for everyone, but I'm trying to get some sort of bench mark....

[Fire & Rain]

Been in one for two years now. Stable and happy. It began with a lot of drama. I remember posting tons of threads on here back then lol Now the biggest drama is deciding what to watch on TV.

My partner is one of those rare "Sex is not that important. Other things matter more." sexuals. They are also fine with me not being sexually or even romantically attracted to them.

[RAZS]

Seems like my relationship might be ending so I probably can't help you either sorry

[MrDane]

Well, im sexual and im happy with my ace-wife, who could easily do without sex ever again and who is much less physical in her 'showing love', than I am!

I love her. She loves me. We have a great family/partnership with kids. We generally agree on everything, and we never need to quarrel. I love her, for making an effort to make a good relationship. I dont love having scheduled, once-in-a-while, mostly for me-sex! ...but i love her and i love sex and i get both!

Can I ask you a personal question? I am like you, very very happy and in love with my husband who I believe (and he thinks he may be) is asexual. Over the years we have tried compromising, but it's more me compromising than him. Not because he doesn't care about me, but because sex is so far off his radar that it doesn't even occur to him. At best, we average making love once every six to eight weeks . It's difficult. What I'm trying to work out is if that is the norm in a compromise re frequency? I would like a lot more often, but is that too much to ask of him? So my question is, what sort of frequency does your ace-wife feel ok with? I know it's different for everyone, but I'm trying to get some sort of bench mark....

Well, the benchmark that you cant really use is, that it is most common, in northern europe, to have 1-2 times pr week. But you really need to come up with your own! We have sex 2 times pr month on average. Usually initiated by me.

What I need, to call it sex, is a loving and caring 'hand' to make me have a splendid orgasm! Doesnt need to be PiV! What I really love, is when she occasionally responds to my touches, and if I can make her come! What I cant have, is her desire or need for me/sex!

I try to shift my mindset into thinking, that she loves me and she likes what I do to her, but once in a while her body says no, and then sex will just be boring for her and then I will try to go for a massage with a happy ending, performed by my loving wife! Instead of focusing on her lack of desire for lovemaking!

[rainycity]

Thanks for making this thread! I've been feeling kind of hopeless lately so it's nice to hear some success stories :)