Asexual or demisexual? Very confused

[cherryjam]

Lately I've been starting to think I might be asexual, or somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I'm honestly not sure if I experience sexual attraction at all - I feel like I might have in the past, but I don't remember. But I have had one partner that I did enjoy sex with. I didn't feel attracted to them, but if they'd start touching me, I would enjoy it. Reading about "responsive desire" that seems to fit but I'm not sure. Sex is something I just never think about unless someone else brings it up. I don't fantasize and I don't masturbate, but I do have sexual dreams.

But what complicates it more is that I'm demi-romantic. I've only had crushes on maybe 3 people, none of whom I had the opportunity to pursue a sexual relationship with even if I had wanted to. So I feel like I could be demi-sexual, and just haven't met the right person under the right circumstances to experience sexual attraction yet.

If I AM capable of experiencing sexual attraction, I want to. I want to have a partner I'm attracted to. I want to know what that feels like. I feel bad having partners I feel no attraction to. But if I'm not capable of it, then there's no need to keep looking for someone I'm attracted to, and I can accept that I have no choice but to "settle" for a relationship without attraction. I'm worried that I'll pass by a great person because I'm not attracted to them, thinking that I might find someone that I am attracted to later. Or that if I do "settle", I'll miss out on having a more fulfilling relationship if the potential for attraction does exit.

Can anyone relate to this? How can you know if you're demi-sexual and haven't met the right person yet, or just asexual and there is no "right person"?

[arikenobi]

I kind of relate to this! For me it is more of the romantic side though. From what I've known, there's two steps to "non" asexuality; being turned on (aroused) and actually wanting to have sex with the person. If you cannot experience both, then you're most likely asexual. Example, I find people super attractive and I may be turned on but I wouldn't actually have sex with them; I have no interest for it. This is why I know I am not demisexual. You said you have had sex before and enjoyed it... Just because you enjoyed it does not mean you aren't asexual, but it does then give the possibility for demisexual. I do not know how you would know if you are demisexual before having that deep connection with someone though, so I am not sure :(

[Snao Cone]

Hi cherryjam

It sounds like you may have a lot yet to uncover through life experience. Many people don't really figure out what they really like/don't like until they've had firsthand experience. The thing about demisexuality is many demisexuals don't know for sure until it happens. Since you're demiromantic, you probably won't get to know your answer until you do find yourself in a relationship with someone whom you romantically desire (unless you start to feel sexual desire/attraction before then, in which case the answer's clearer).

At this point you might want to describe yourself as "possibly demisexual?" (with uptalk at the end, of course :P) or "ace-questioning". You don't need to commit to any one label if you're not yet sure where you fall; it's just best to add qualifiers to it in case your self-discovery leads you somewhere else.