Romantic Friendship?

[demisucre]

So I'm curious about some stories about romantic friendships. As someone who is desiring this type of relationship with someone in my life (wanting all the romance, but not sexual at all, so weird for me...), I'm wondering how common they actually are or if anyone here has experienced one, and how it developed. Also wondering is QPR is a qualifier for one of these relationships, and if it is the same thing.

[dissolved]

Umm... aren't friendships by definition platonic rather than romantic?

[Guest]

Not having sex doesn't turn a romantic relationship into a friendship. It sounds like what you want is a sexless romantic relationship?

[demisucre]

Perhaps. I know that the term romantic friendship exists, I'm curious to hear from people that would classify a relationship they've had as this.

As for me--yes, I do want a romantic relationship that would remain sexless, but I'm not sure just how much romance I am desiring and what would even classify as "romantic". I'm interested in hearing about more greyish experiences, I suppose...

[Guest]

Either you feel romantically or you don't. "Romance" is a cultural concept that has nothing to do with anything. What is classified as romantic is anything that you do or feel that's romantic. If smashing mailboxes with baseball bats makes you feel closer to your partner, then for you, smashing mailboxes is a romantic activity. For some people having sex, or watching a movie, or cooking together are romantic activities. Romantic feelings are semi-undefinable, but basically are the difference between what you feel for your friends vs what you feel for your romantic partner.

Personally, I fail to see how "romantic friendship" makes sense. Queerplatonic is a friendship without romantic feelings but with some of the traditional trappings of romantic relationships. If you watch King of Queens, there's an excellent example of queerplatonic on that show. Otherwise, it seems like you're talking about casual romantic relationships. Relationships where you can date other people, etc. Not all romantic relationships are serious, not all romantic relationships are closed, or monogamous, or sexual. The romantic feelings thing is pretty much the big distinguishing factor.

[davenah]

I guess I'm kind of in one, if they do actually exist. In other posts I've referred to her as my partner or my girlfriend, but that's because that's the closest description of her that others can quickly understand. However, if you were to ask us, we're not dating. Except we're not friends either. For me, the middle ground has been really hard, because I always want to push it to one side or the other. We've tried being normal friends multiple times and it never works out because we both feel romantically towards each other. At the same time, we're long distance and have agreed to not date until we can be around each other like normal people do and make a real decision. To make things even more complicated though, we're also intentionally not dating other people. It's super weird. I'm not sure that I actually want to date her, but I don't want to date anyone else either, even though I've been given plenty of chances.

TLDR, idk what to call us, but we're not just friends and also not dating so I guess "romantic friendship" is the closest description of our relationship.

(I wouldn't recommend getting into one, btw, unless that's really what you want. They're complicated and confusing, and feel a bit like riding a bike along the edge of a cliff.)

[Homer]

We've tried being normal friends multiple times and it never works out because we both feel romantically towards each other.

I don't get this bit. What did you (not) do to be "normal" friends instead of romantic ones? That'd be interesting to know.

From what you wrote it sounds like you would be dating if it weren't for the distance so... yeah.

[davenah]

Yeah, I know, it's weird. The deal is, I don't think we will date, even when/if the distance goes away. There are just a lot of factors, the large majority of which I didn't include in my previous post.

So, to attempt the normal friend thing, we essentially just stopped doing or suggesting anything remotely romantic at all, and instead switched to this "buddy mode" type deal where we shoved any feelings aside that weren't strictly "I support you and you are a good person." So, where we otherwise might have talked about cuddling or hand holding or flirted or talked about emotions in general, all of those things were completely cut out or stripped down to the bare necessities that were needed to continue a platonic friendship. Does that even make sense?

[banana monkey]

ok, so I think most people would conceede that romantic friendship and QPR are not one and the same but I personally cant tell you what the differences are, they are probably very similar.

For me, a relationship happens when you both agree it is a relationship. (I've just thought to add that I am monogamous and this may not apply to polyamorous relationships) For me when I agree to a relationship, it is to a committed partnership with some sense of commitment and partnership above other friendships/family etc However, the relationship could be platonic or romantic, but whichever it is it would be a committed partnership if that makes sense. Similarly, one could have a friendship which has romantic elements (romantic friendship) such as cuddling, snuggling on the sofa etc but their is no sense of commitment, longterm partnership etc. I think I may have been in one with my ex before we started dating, but I am unsure if I would have called it romantic friendship or Queerplatonic friendship so I find difficulty with the differences. However, I add that if I was in a committed partnership with someone but didnt have romantic feelings for them that would be a QPR. I'm pretty sure this is what I eventually wanted with my ex, but unfortunately it too me too long to realise so it was too late to change the relationship.

sorry for the ramble.

[New Strawberry 8]

Ok, you know how in those romcom movies where there's a guy and a girl who are just friends but they both start having romantic inclinations towards one another? I would so love to have a relationship that's like the part of those movies where they like each other but haven't said so yet. Like, they hang out all the time and are best friends and do almost romantic things, but it's not dependent on romance.

I really like romance, especially when a relationship is new. But there are a lot of times when I don't really feel like being romantic and the guys in my life always tend to be hopeless romantics. >_<

[demisucre]

Yeah, I know, it's weird. The deal is, I don't think we will date, even when/if the distance goes away. There are just a lot of factors, the large majority of which I didn't include in my previous post.

So, to attempt the normal friend thing, we essentially just stopped doing or suggesting anything remotely romantic at all, and instead switched to this "buddy mode" type deal where we shoved any feelings aside that weren't strictly "I support you and you are a good person." So, where we otherwise might have talked about cuddling or hand holding or flirted or talked about emotions in general, all of those things were completely cut out or stripped down to the bare necessities that were needed to continue a platonic friendship. Does that even make sense?

So really, a "romantic friendship" would be likely impossible to maintain because of the straddling of such a fine line? I understand this concept. Thanks for the reply, it was helpful.

[MacAran]

For me, a romantic friendship is almost a paradox. As I understand those terms in my life, a romantic relationship is something that is more than friendship, a connection between two people that makes that person a center point of your life, and vice versa. Friendship is necessary for romance, but romance goes beyond friendship. If I had to describe a romantic friendship, I would probably say that stage where you and a friend are growing closer, but haven't quite recognized what is growing between you.

At a guess, I'd say that what you're looking for is what I would call a romantic relationship with that person in your life, just one without sex.

[davenah]

Yeah, I know, it's weird. The deal is, I don't think we will date, even when/if the distance goes away. There are just a lot of factors, the large majority of which I didn't include in my previous post.

So, to attempt the normal friend thing, we essentially just stopped doing or suggesting anything remotely romantic at all, and instead switched to this "buddy mode" type deal where we shoved any feelings aside that weren't strictly "I support you and you are a good person." So, where we otherwise might have talked about cuddling or hand holding or flirted or talked about emotions in general, all of those things were completely cut out or stripped down to the bare necessities that were needed to continue a platonic friendship. Does that even make sense?

So really, a "romantic friendship" would be likely impossible to maintain because of the straddling of such a fine line? I understand this concept. Thanks for the reply, it was helpful.

It's very hard on me, yes. However, I'm sure there are some people that could handle it, and if it's really the kind of relationship you want, you may very well be one of those people. Either way, I'm glad I could help. Good luck. :)

At a guess, I'd say that what you're looking for is what I would call a romantic relationship with that person in your life, just one without sex.

^^^ I heartily second this.

[Chihiro]

Looks like you are looking for asexual romantic relationship.

I had a romantic friendship with a friend once. It was like any other friendship where we hung out together and talked and teased. But we weren't even close friends where we shared our deeper thoughts. It was romantic because we went out of our way to do nice things something I would expect very close friend or a SO to do. I viewed it at as just friendship because there was no scope for relationship ever and I am sure relationship didn't cross either of our minds.

[Rising Sun]

In french, "romantic friendship" describes noncommittal romance, sometimes with ambiguous feelings. So it does exist and is quite different from QPRs in itself, but I find it a bit silly to call such a relationship "friendship" only because there's no commitment. After all, QPRs are friendships with explicit or implicit commitment, and romance can exist without commitment, so I don't find that it makes sense to call a relationship "friendship" or "relationship" based only on commitment / absence of commitment.

[pinklily]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, and confused about my orientation; I am a married romantic sexual, but the 'sexual' part has always been difficult for me. Basically, I mostly feel indifferent about it. My husband and I were both virgins when we married (not religious, just because we hadn't found the right person), and we struggled for four years to consummate our marriage (I worried that I was frigid).

Aside from our marriage issues, I am also an introvert, as is my husband. He has no other friends in our community and leans on me exclusively. I also have no friends, but not by choice. The friendships I have had have all ended in rather dramatic fashion.

This idea of 'romantic friendship', caught my attention. Basically, I have realized that this is the sort of friendship I want with another woman. It did actually exist in history, mostly pre-20th Century. There are books written about this type of friendship, which existed most often between young women (teens, usually) until they were married (to men). Sometimes these intense friendships continued after the women were married to men, but the men involved look at it as sort of an indulgence and didn't take it seriously. There is no written record that I'm aware of as to whether these friendships were sexual (some scholars think these women were actually lesbian but in the closet).

When Freudian thought came along in the 20th century and sex became the reason behind everything, such 'romantic friendships' fell out of favor culturally and were looked upon with suspicion.

My last best friend, also a married woman, accused me of being a bisexual or latent lesbian with romantic feelings for her that I would at some point act upon (I had never planned to do this and had never given an indication of this). In fact, earlier in our friendship, she realized I had a crush on her and called me out on it (she was right about that --and it was at that point I realized I wasn't 100 percent straight). We had a laugh; she'd occasionally make flirty comments to me which I didn't take seriously, and we'd laugh some more. Then, 5 years later, when I thought we were well past it, she threw it back in my face. Now she won't talk to me. I was blindsided and am heartbroken. She told me I was 'exhausting', that shew was tired of being my therapist, and that my friendship had been like a bad habit to her.

Now, I have no female friends, but what I want in a friendship seems to be foreign to most of what people I know think of as 'friendship.' That is why I am on this forum. I wondered at the idea of 'romantic friendship' or 'exclusivity' in platonic but emotional intense friendships? Is it weird to want this? I did not want to be with my friend sexually --but I did want an extremely emotionally intimate friendship with her. She said this was 'all bisexuality'. Obviously, we didn't want the same level of closeness.

It's been a few months since this fallout with my friend, and now I feel more alone than ever. I've been reading about co-dependent, clingy or needy friends and do recognize myself a little in some of these descriptions. At the same time, I wasn't being overly demanding--I wasn't calling all of the time, expecting her to ignore her husband and hang out with me (it was a long-distance friendship, so that wouldn't have happened anyway); I never asked for money, I never showed up at her doorstep, etc.

So, I feel like the intense friendship I want with another woman is unusual. That most women don't wan't this level of attentiveness, of a best friend who is truly devoted and always there for them. I find this sad....and there seems to be no word for it in this era. My friend, in fact, called it 'that weird romantic friendship s---t you idealize'

Is it so wrong to, like the books and movie 'Anne of Green Gables', want a Diana to my Anne? Or is it truly the stuff of fantasy, or something that is no sustainable as we 'grow up'?

[demisucre]

For me, a romantic friendship is almost a paradox. As I understand those terms in my life, a romantic relationship is something that is more than friendship, a connection between two people that makes that person a center point of your life, and vice versa. Friendship is necessary for romance, but romance goes beyond friendship. If I had to describe a romantic friendship, I would probably say that stage where you and a friend are growing closer, but haven't quite recognized what is growing between you.

At a guess, I'd say that what you're looking for is what I would call a romantic relationship with that person in your life, just one without sex.

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, and confused about my orientation; I am a married romantic sexual, but the 'sexual' part has always been difficult for me. Basically, I mostly feel indifferent about it. My husband and I were both virgins when we married (not religious, just because we hadn't found the right person), and we struggled for four years to consummate our marriage (I worried that I was frigid).

Aside from our marriage issues, I am also an introvert, as is my husband. He has no other friends in our community and leans on me exclusively. I also have no friends, but not by choice. The friendships I have had have all ended in rather dramatic fashion.

This idea of 'romantic friendship', caught my attention. Basically, I have realized that this is the sort of friendship I want with another woman. It did actually exist in history, mostly pre-20th Century. There are books written about this type of friendship, which existed most often between young women (teens, usually) until they were married (to men). Sometimes these intense friendships continued after the women were married to men, but the men involved look at it as sort of an indulgence and didn't take it seriously. There is no written record that I'm aware of as to whether these friendships were sexual (some scholars think these women were actually lesbian but in the closet).

When Freudian thought came along in the 20th century and sex became the reason behind everything, such 'romantic friendships' fell out of favor culturally and were looked upon with suspicion.

My last best friend, also a married woman, accused me of being a bisexual or latent lesbian with romantic feelings for her that I would at some point act upon (I had never planned to do this and had never given an indication of this). In fact, earlier in our friendship, she realized I had a crush on her and called me out on it (she was right about that --and it was at that point I realized I wasn't 100 percent straight). We had a laugh; she'd occasionally make flirty comments to me which I didn't take seriously, and we'd laugh some more. Then, 5 years later, when I thought we were well past it, she threw it back in my face. Now she won't talk to me. I was blindsided and am heartbroken. She told me I was 'exhausting', that shew was tired of being my therapist, and that my friendship had been like a bad habit to her.

Now, I have no female friends, but what I want in a friendship seems to be foreign to most of what people I know think of as 'friendship.' That is why I am on this forum. I wondered at the idea of 'romantic friendship' or 'exclusivity' in platonic but emotional intense friendships? Is it weird to want this? I did not want to be with my friend sexually --but I did want an extremely emotionally intimate friendship with her. She said this was 'all bisexuality'. Obviously, we didn't want the same level of closeness.

It's been a few months since this fallout with my friend, and now I feel more alone than ever. I've been reading about co-dependent, clingy or needy friends and do recognize myself a little in some of these descriptions. At the same time, I wasn't being overly demanding--I wasn't calling all of the time, expecting her to ignore her husband and hang out with me (it was a long-distance friendship, so that wouldn't have happened anyway); I never asked for money, I never showed up at her doorstep, etc.

So, I feel like the intense friendship I want with another woman is unusual. That most women don't wan't this level of attentiveness, of a best friend who is truly devoted and always there for them. I find this sad....and there seems to be no word for it in this era. My friend, in fact, called it 'that weird romantic friendship s---t you idealize'

Is it so wrong to, like the books and movie 'Anne of Green Gables', want a Diana to my Anne? Or is it truly the stuff of fantasy, or something that is no sustainable as we 'grow up'?

Mac-Yes, that is certainly what I would like with this woman. Problem is, she is much older than me and is a bit more compromised and settled into her life than I am (she is married to a man who is elderly--I have no idea about their day to day life, if he is well or not, only met him twice and it was briefly.) While I feel there is a very intense energetic/spiritual connection between us, I don't sense that she desires the same amount of closeness that I do, which I am still trying to accept and sort of get over that/her in a way, by being less attached. Because I am finding myself becoming unreasonably hurt and paranoid by her lack of effort/unanswered texts (not malicious or ignoring me, I think she's just not that invested) where I give a clear effort and want very much to be close friends, at least. She texted me some really nice things the other day and shows unwavering support for me, with such kind words, that I just can't be mad at her even when she sometimes doesn't respond like I would like her to. Oh well. I have a feeling that something is happening in her life that is not allowing her to be the most present with me that she can be, and I want to leave her to do whatever it is she has to do. I have no right to impress myself upon her where I am not wanted at this time.

pinklilly-Hi honey. I want to let you know something--when someone cuts you out of their life all of a sudden without much prompting, it means something was triggered inside them that made them act that way. It's not your fault. Something is going on inside of her that she can't deal with, and you may have stirred that up, but you did not cause it, and it's something she has to come to terms with on her own. It would probably be best to try and forgive her and move on. *hugs* I've been in a similar position before, albeit with a true romantic and sexual interest, but these types of feelings of attachment, never never easy.