What am I?!

[Kniiveschau]

Hello. My name is Maribel. I came across your page form watching a video about asexuality and realized some similar traits that I share with this label. I really want to understand this word as I am going through an identity crisis. I just got out of a relationship and one of our problems was that we were not having sex as much as he wanted and he felt that I didn't want him but in reality I loved him.

My whole life I've never felt the urge to act out sexually because I was simply aroused. I would just handle the problem myself. I also never felt like I was attracted to a specific gender. It was like I saw everyone as just a person and only felt like I needed to pretend to like Boys because that was the norm but in reality I didn't feel anything looking at both genders. I never looked for sexual encounters because I didn't feel like I needed it. I hear people say "omg I haven't had sex in 2 months! This sucks!" And there I was thinking "I haven't had sex in a year and I feel completely normal and happy" it was like I was ok with not being sexual because it wasn't something I needed to have. I don't feel the urge to be sexual because there's simply no attraction. When I engage in sex it's just sex. I find myself only doing it because the other person needs it.

Honestly, If it wasn't for the other person, I would hardly ever initiate sex. Sometimes affection as simple as a hug or a cuddle or a touch would just make me irritated because I didn't feel any attraction and at the point it was just someone being a pest. Although, I tend to feel aroused watching others. But I think a part of that is because there's actual attraction and intimacy happening. that was something I wanted to feel which led to me pleasuring myself more than engaging with a partner. But even during masturbation, I would only do it to feel pleasure, i wasn't thinking of anyone or anything, I needed to feel something. Which would became an issue in my last relationship. I felt so bad.

Sad part is I know in mind that it's wrong. Intimacy is important in relationship. But I feel like I have none. I want to give that affection to someone but it's not in my nature. I can look at the most beautiful person ever and feel nothing. I keep telling myself in my head ok I'm going to be more affectionate but I do the complete opposite.

I need help because I feel so empty. I feel like I can't love someone properly if I don't feel the urge or attraction to engage in sex. I can be emotional and mentally bonded with someone because those things matter to me, But how can a relationship thrive without intimacy. It can't and I learned that the hard way...I think asexuality goes a lot deeper than what most people seem to realize. We love differently. We put our energy into emotional and mental bonds and leave out the sexual part simply because it doesn't matter To us. We know it can be important in relationships but that's our struggle....we simply can't feel physical attraction. Sorry to be so detailed but I really want to know more and ask for advice. Thanks in advance

[Ladyinred]

Hi and welcome. IMHO you sound like a classic asexual. I am the same. I really dislike it for same reasons as you. It can't be changed. But you can still find love! Your partner will have to love you for you, and if they are sexual, you both will have to work out a situation that can work for both of you. Or try to date an asexual, I hear there are a few dating sites for us. There is a good FB group called asexuality, for friends and support and learning. Keep learning on here, AVEN and YouTube etc. best wishes!

[MiniVegan]

We love differently. We put our energy into emotional and mental bonds and leave out the sexual part simply because it doesn't matter To us.

This is exactly how I feel. One of my love languages is actually touch (also quality time and words of affirmation, if you were curious), but specifically non-sexual touch. If I even think that I'm getting a hug because the other person wants sex, I don't want the hug.

Sometimes I think I just need a cuddly girlfriend...

[Kniiveschau]

I just can't believe i might possibly

Figure out what's going on and why relationships are so hard for me when it comes to that. I've been broken up with before because I only ever kissed them and it was just a peck! They wanted to at least make out lol. But idk this makes so much sense to me knowing that it wasn't mean just being rude. It was really something I couldn't help. i really need to learn more about this before I'm sure. I feel like if I shared this with people that they would laugh on my face because I do have a son I have had bfs but nobody knows that I don't feel attraction. This is going to be an adventure.

[MiniVegan]

You are never required to come out of the closet to anyone. I like my closet. Being ace is part of me, but it's not all of me. Not everyone needs to know I'm ace. I have told two people I know in real life. So don't feel obligated to come out to everyone you know.

Also, I've been married for 7 years. That doesn't mean I can't be ace. That would be like saying that you can like dogs or cats but not both. Your identity is valid if you say it is. No other factors exist.

Something I'm learning is that I can completely redefine what a romantic ( or queer platonic) relationship looks like. I can ask for what I want in a relationship, and look for someone who is on the same page as me. Sure, lots of people want sex. But not everyone. And places like AVEN make it easier than ever to find people who are more like us. Try the meet up mart forum, or search members in your area.

I'm pretty new to this whole thing, but having this website has made me feel supported. I hope you find that too. Also, there's lots of cake here. ::D: