Help Me Understand

[Relatable]

I don't think I want to be female.

I wear clothes in a "tomboy" style. I usually hang out around boys, I find girly girls hard to deal with.

My mother believes that girls should wear dresses, and pink, and wear makeup and have their hair done pretty. I, however look for men's clothes, wear dark colours, despise makeup, and do nothing with my hair. For my graduation, I remember crying and arguing with my mom, because I did NOT want to wear a dress under any circumstances. I did not want to wear makeup or style my hair. When we got there I had a panic attack because people were calling me pretty and saying that I looked girly for once. I remember thinking "I don't want to be girly." I wanted to wear a suit of any sort. Once a few kids talked about me as I walked past and referred to me as 'she' it took me a while to realize that they meant me, and I didn't like being called she. Once I texted someone talking about myself in the third person, it took most of my will power to say 'she'. I will look at my chest and hate how large it is. I will wonder about binding, even sometimes looking up information on it. My mom tried to talk to me about bras and called me a woman, I nearly cried in the store because I wanted her to understand, but even I didn't.

I don't see myself as male or female, I just see myself as human. A human being that simply is. I don't want to be like girls, or boys, or anyone. I just want to be. I don't know what this means.

[pinkroses]

Hi. I am not positive, but maybe agender ? I don't know much about it, but from what I have heard it kinda sounds like that to me. I think there might be stuff on tumblr about that, if you like tumblr, if not there are other places that talk about agender and other categories of stuff. I hope you find happiness.

[MiniVegan]

Gender is hard. There are so many things we are supposed to be, whether or not we want to be those things.

First: take a deep breath. It is ok to question these things. Give yourself permission to explore who you are/want to be.

Once a few kids talked about me as I walked past and referred to me as 'she' it took me a while to realize that they meant me, and I didn't like being called she. Once I texted someone talking about myself in the third person, it took most of my will power to say 'she'. I will look at my chest and hate how large it is. I will wonder about binding, even sometimes looking up information on it. My mom tried to talk to me about bras and called me a woman, I nearly cried in the store because I wanted her to understand, but even I didn't.

I don't see myself as male or female, I just see myself as human. A human being that simply is. I don't want to be like girls, or boys, or anyone. I just want to be. I don't know what this means.

What pronouns make you more comfortable? You might prefer something gender neutral. Them/they? Xe/Xem? Look up some gender pronouns and see what feels right to you.

And try binding, if that would make you more comfortable. I'm glad you're doing some research, because binding incorrectly can hurt you. You might like doing some research on being agender to see if you identify with those people's stories. If that doesn't fit quite right, look at other gender identities to see if they fit you better. Maybe you're a mix. Maybe

It can take a while to find yourself, and that's ok. Above all, remember that you are a completely valid person, no matter your identity.