Sexual needing advice with spouse who is asexual.

[ATC1213]

Hi! I'm a new user and also new to this whole asexual thing. I am a sexual lesbian, who is currently married to an asexual (at least I believe that she is). When we first got together we used to be very sexual with each other, but she never enjoyed being touched or even enjoyed touching me in the genital area. We still had sex, which was enjoyable for the both of us. I thought it was just a tick of hers, but as the years have progressed her interest in sex has evaporated into nothing. She says that she finds it hard to be sexually attracted to me, but still finds me beautiful. We have seen a marriage therapist, but was unable to get the issue resolved. I'm just very confused on what I can do to find a compromise. Right now, we've both made the sex thing into a very big thing to the point where it's like an elephant in the room. We're both afraid to even try now. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.

[Aloki24601]

I'm glad you found this site. First thing, breathe. If she is asexual, she may not realize what it is, or that lack of sexual attraction (as you are describing) may be an orientation, rather than a "failure". If she doesn't quite know what asexuality is, or where she might fit on that spectrum, she is probably feeling like something is wrong with her, and that she is failing you and maybe also failing herself. Many asexual people feel broken -- especially since our world is so sexualized and if that conflicts with how you feel, it is easy to feel like something isn't right.

I have no experiences in a relationship like, this, but I think perhaps bringing up that you have done some research on the topic of asexuality, and wondered if some of these descriptions, stories, etc, might be something she could relate to. The communication is important (whether she feels she fits on the ace spectrum or not). If she does feel she can relate to asexuality, then she may gain some confidence in herself as she comes to understand that she isn't a failure, but that is just WHO she is -- at that point, since she has been sexual before she may be more open to reintroducing some sexual aspects into the relationship since she knows that you are coming from a place of understanding, and not a place of "what's wrong with you <----- A feeling she might be projecting onto you.

If other aspects of the relationship are working well, then perhaps this I hope this is something that you can work through. You obviously care about her if you are on here looking up stuff. I think she may feel reassured in knowing that you would be willing to talk about the possibility of asexuality, what she is and is not comfortable with and different ways to move forward in the relationship once this possibility has been explored between the two of you.

I hope this is a helpful perspective and that many others offer good insight as well :)

Aloki

[Ladyinred]

Ditto what aloki said! Keep learning, have good communication,mane best wishes!

[nanogretchen4]

You say that you have both made sex into a very big thing, to the point that you are afraid to even try it. In what way is it a very big thing? What is the scary thing that could go wrong if you try it? If your spouse is repulsed, then it's not going to work to have any kind of sex. If she's not repulsed and she's willing to try, I suspect it's going to be a matter of you lowering your standards to something that doesn't totally stress her out. Have a quickie, have mediocre sex, have one sided sex, have assisted masturbation. If you think perfectionism could be the problem, I think you should both set out to have the worst sex ever and make jokes about it.