A little rant about genderfluidity

[Finn.]

So I settled on calling myself genderfluid. I'm done, I will stop looking for a better label.

When I first started looking into gender I thought I was a demigirl, I clung to my "female upbringing", and thought since I didn't feel dysporic (which I was wrong about) I couldn't be more than partially not-girl. Then I went through a longer period of being clearly and solely agender, with lots of dysphoria. Then it fluctuated a bit between those two. And now the opposite is happening, with fluctuating and being fluid between agender and demiboy. And I can't even imagine ever feeling feminine.

And that's my problem with genderfluidity. At whatever point my gender is currently, my past gender experiences feel silly and out of place. So I kept looking for a fitting term for my current situation, which isn't really possible since it keeps fluctuating. Anybody else feel like that?

From now on I will use "genderfluid", it feels the truest to myself, it's always fitting, whatever is going on with my gender.

I think I will continue to come out as "genderneutral/less" irl though, at least to the people unfamiliar with nonbinary identities. I don't want to get into the whole fluid thing with them, and I never reach the polar ends of the spectrum anyway, I am never a woman or a man. I just want them to understand that I don't want to be seen as either of those and that I want them to use genderneutral language when refering to me, and I think talking about genderfluidity would only be confusing and counterproductive.

Can anybody relate, and what are your experiences with genderfluidity?

[babybluesnowpants]

absolutely. One day I'll feel so completely okay with being a girl, and that'll last for a few months. Then suddenly I'm dysphoric, I can't handle even looking at myself in the mirror and I'll want to transition to male so badly it hurts. But, I can"t do anything because I'm afraid I won't be male for long and if I transition I'll be miserable. Then there's the rest of the time where I'm stuck in the limbo between discernible genders and have absolutely no clue how to identify or how to go about pronouns or names.

It's the uncertainty and unpredictability that really kills me about this identity.

[Emery.]

I'm not sure why it sounds relatable. I don't identify as genderfluid, but I did for some time. I abandoned it for a more detailed understanding of who I am. Actually, I journeyed through maaany labels... Beginning on demigirl like you, then going to agender and cis-genderless kind of thing, and then exploring masculinity. I think what you write seems relatable also for the reason that my relation to gender is so complicated that explaining it to people in any more depth than "I'm queer" is... very counterproductive.

[Hooded_Crow]

So I settled on calling myself genderfluid. I'm done, I will stop looking for a better label.

When I first started looking into gender I thought I was a demigirl, I clung to my "female upbringing", and thought since I didn't feel dysporic (which I was wrong about) I couldn't be more than partially not-girl. Then I went through a longer period of being clearly and solely agender, with lots of dysphoria. Then it fluctuated a bit between those two. And now the opposite is happening, with fluctuating and being fluid between agender and demiboy. And I can't even imagine ever feeling feminine.

And that's my problem with genderfluidity. At whatever point my gender is currently, my past gender experiences feel silly and out of place. So I kept looking for a fitting term for my current situation, which isn't really possible since it keeps fluctuating. Anybody else feel like that?

From now on I will use "genderfluid", it feels the truest to myself, it's always fitting, whatever is going on with my gender.

True that! This is the reason I'm going with genderfluid. Here's my experience:

Growing up, I didn't want to be a girl at all. I hated it, wished I was a boy instead, wished my damn breasts weren't in such a hurry to pop out and wished my damn period wasn't in such a hurry to start. I didn't feel like a girl.

Then I got used to it. It never even entered my mind that I might be trans. Not in those terms anyway. I don't know why, probably I just wasn't aware it was a thing. So I just got used to it.

Now I'm used to it XD Whaddaya know. But if I really ask myself "Who are you? Are you a boy or a girl? If your sex wasn't what it is, would you be okay with that?" And I was okay with that. If I were to suddenly woke up as a male, I would be fine with it. Well, I wouldn't be, because I'd be all like "What happened? Is magic real? Who did this?" But you know what I mean XD

There are periods of time when I feel more feminine and periods of time where I feel more masculine. It's never *very* feminine or *very* masculine. But it's there.

As far as pronouns go, I'm always comfortable with anything. Even if I'm in my more feminine days, I'm happy if people say "he". Even in my more masculine days, I'm okay with "she". It's like pronouns don't have anything to do with how I feel inside and don't affect it at all for me.

I do feel awkward when people call me "ma'am" -- it just happened in a store and it felt weird.

As far as clothing goes, on my more feminine days I might wear a skirt or a dress. On my more masculine days -- and most of the time -- I'll wear jeans and t-shirts or tank tops. I never dress in clothes designed for male bodies though. And I never mind it that my figure is feminine, that my tight t-shirts make my breasts appear, or that my jeans show my wide hips. I like my silhouette. Just, my brain is often kind of a dude. But he doesn't mind that my body is a girl.

Does that make sense ?

So yeah. Going with genderfluid because my instinct likes it.

[Heart]

And that's my problem with genderfluidity. At whatever point my gender is currently, my past gender experiences feel silly and out of place. So I kept looking for a fitting term for my current situation, which isn't really possible since it keeps fluctuating. Anybody else feel like that?

YES. So much yes. This is also why it took me a while to figure out that my gender changes. So confusing :P

[Finn.]

Thanks for the replies! I feel comfortable with my conclusion, it's great.

I'm not planning on transitioning either, I wouldn't be happy with any changes long-term.

I also more or less "grew into being female", and didn't actively question my gender till I was 22 I think.

Now a few things make more sense to me. I remember developing boobs at 12/13. I liked them at like a B Cup (I still consider having a breast reduction going back to that size) but they got bigger than that and I started hating it. I stopped going to the swimming pool, I avoided changing shirts in the locker room but sometimes you just get too sweaty and it made me soo uncomfortable. I still never change in front of other people. I never had bottom dysphoria though, or dysphoria because of menstruation. I guess I'm lucky.

For years my mom had a big influence on the clothes I was wearing, we went shopping together and she had this clear image in her head of what I should be wearing, only occasionally I would get some money to go shopping with friends. Later I got more pocket money to buy my own clothes, and soon after that I made my own money. I started changing my wardrobe, showing less cleavage made me feel more confident, I started figuring out what made me feel comfortable, but I was still trying to fit into this female thing. Always being slightly uncomfortable was normal somehow.

Now I own a few clothes from the men's section, I own three pairs of boxers. I wear sports bras and "boy shorts" quite a lot now. But I also own two dresses and skirts. My dysphoria and gender expression aren't that in synch with my gender, it's all a mess, but I'm getting better at choosing clothes in the morning. I only started wearing lipstick sometimes after figuring out I wasn't a woman, isn't that weird?

Overall I feel way better having changed my name, at least among friends. And I'm a new person now that my hair is short, it makes all the difference.

[Heart]

I'm not planning on transitioning either, I wouldn't be happy with any changes long-term.

I only started wearing lipstick sometimes after figuring out I wasn't a woman, isn't that weird?

For the first sentence: I feel the same way. I can't think of any physical transition that I would be happy with all the time... which kinda sucks, to be honest, because I do get bad dysphoric episodes. But hey. *shrug* I can deal.

And for the second sentence: No, it's not that weird when you think about it. At least for me, things like make-up signified "woman" quite strongly, and before I figured out my gender I really didn't feel comfortable being in that category, even on my feminine days. I just wasn't there. But now that I know where I'm at, then the whole prospect of make-up is ok again somehow. Somehow it's not threatening or scary any more, now that I know where I'm at gender-wise and have a word for it. I have actually wanted to experiment with make-up for a while, and I hope I get to one day when I have the time to actually learn it all. I want to be able to use it as a tool of expression; maybe, in my feminine swings, I want to be able to do the make-up and dress thing. Or in my neutral days, to be able to do the make-up and dress but with a binder, or make-up and suit, or something. That very much sounds like a thing I want to try, but was a terrifying thing pre-label era.

For me, feeling "in control" and confident with relation to gender has radically changed my attitudes towards overtly gendered signifiers, like make-up and dresses/skirts. So no, I don't find it weird at all ;)

[Finn.]

Yes you're probably right, it makes sense. I kind of established a more confident sense of self, now that I feel more secure in my gender. I know now that clothes and whatever are not inherently gendered, and they definitely have no power of making me more or less of the gender I am.

Gender expression means a lot more to me now, as it relates to my gender every day. But it doesn't have to be "typical", oftentimes it's not. I can feel more like a demiboy and wear a dress and lipstick that day, it happens. Or I get dysporic about feeling feminine (that's a funny thing) and try to make up for it with a more androgynous style.

About the physical transition: Exactly. I have days on which I really really want a flat chest. But in general I feel like I would miss them, I'm very used to them, and my chest dysphoria has gotten much better since I got short hair. I am worried about getting dysphoric the other way around. I'm keeping an open mind about breast reduction though. If I ever have the money and courage.

[Heart]

*cheers to gender growth, even if it's still confusing and frustrating at times :P *

[Akev321]

I've really enjoyed reading this thread, I'm also gender fluid, but I go from being Agender to feeling feminine, it's took me many years to arrive at this self acceptance, and feel much happier and content to understand what's going on and why, I'm 42 now, and spent many years of going through periods of time of strong Dysphoria wanting be a woman, but then after a week or two it would subside and confuse me, I hated it when the Dysphoria took hold, then really missed it when it subsided, but what I couldn't get to grips with was I was unable to chose a definate path because of this, although I've never felt "masculine" or "manly" and I wouldn't want to either..... Arriving with the "eureka" moment of being gender fluid helps me understand everything, I feel I can control my Dysphoria better by just going with the flow and dressing, behaving..... Bring gender fluid is cool 😊

[Finn.]

I actually found a specific gender label that would fit! (the most unknown label). And there was absolutely no light bulb moment. I still prefer labeling myself as agender and fluid. I think I'm finally at peace with the whole gender thing. *giving myself cake*

[acia]

Relatable!!
There are days I'll break out in cold sweat and start panicking when I have to go about my day as a 'girl' but other days I'm having trouble feeling confident in my male clothes, I tried looking at labels for it, since 'genderfluid' felt to simple to pin it. Sometimes I feel like neither, and though I'm not a friend of labelling myself and others, when people within the community ask me (like my trans' friend did the other week) I just stand there going hmmmmmm million dollar question!

[SleepyFox]

Normally I just use non-binary or agender but it usually leans slightly towards male or very slightly towards female. I'm definitely more masculine of centre in terms of clothes but like others have said I kind of grew into being a girl. I like wearing dresses sometimes but other times I Can't even look at myself in them.

I think the only way I knew I didn't fully identify as female was last year in my Makeup Artist diploma - when my classmates would practice ultra feminine looks on me I would force a smile then lock myself in the bathroom over lunch and cry because it just felt. So. Wrong. My whole reflection felt wrong.

I guess I should use gender-fluid as a label but I kind of like the certainty of "agender". Makes me feel like I have one solid point of reference for myself.

[Luftschlosseule]

Ooooh, that's great! Do you mind if I ask which label you found?

[Finn.]

Normally I just use non-binary or agender but it usually leans slightly towards male or very slightly towards female. I'm definitely more masculine of centre in terms of clothes but like others have said I kind of grew into being a girl.

I guess I should use gender-fluid as a label but I kind of like the certainty of "agender". Makes me feel like I have one solid point of reference for myself.

Sounds like agenderflux? Genderfluid works for all fluid and flux genders, so no need to use agenderflux if you don't want to.

But yeah, I really like agender myself. For me it feels like agender is my more general gender, and fluid is how my gender behaves, if that makes sense. I'm kind of growing tired of nonbinary as a label for myself, with all the discussions about it and stuff. But that might change again.

Ooooh, that's great! Do you mind if I ask which label you found?

Eafluid, I only looked into it further because it's a pretty word =)

It's synonymous with enbyfluid and nobifluid. There seem to be two definitions around, one says being fluid between nonbinary genders, or being fluid between androgynous genders / where none of the genders experienced include any degree of masculinity or femininity. Either way it would fit for me. I don't even feel masculine as a demiboy.

It's just that as I said, I really like agender. Eafluid seems quite unpractical to me, in terms of explaining what it means and such. I don't know, I might use it if someone wants to hear a more specific label but usually nobody asks for that.

[Luftschlosseule]

Ooooh, that's great! Do you mind if I ask which label you found?

Eafluid, I only looked into it further because it's a pretty word =)

Oh, I would have done the same! Sounds like a good plan! (:

[Calligraphette_Coe]

I'm not really that fluid gender-wise (one look puts me in the catefory of Very Other, though), but I often think of mine in programming terms. Like $gender=female. Or @gender=female, $gender==amab.

Then there's also variables, of types both static and dynamic.