I'm Confused (Sexuality? Relationships?)

[Firestar12]

Hiya, I'm new here and I'm a 16 year old girl whose been single her entire life. I know, not too bad, but I'm just kind of confused.

Okay, so I'm not entirely sure where I stand for sexuality, but at the moment I identify most with repulsed asexual. The idea of sex/ masturbation kind of grosses me out but sometimes I feel like I'm just being immature? For example if my friends talk about it, jokingly or not, I feel uncomfortable. Should I be uncomfortable about the idea of sex or masturbation? Or am I an anomaly? I don't know, I just know that that's not what I want in a relationship.

Anyways, onto the other topic. I don't find a whole lot of people appealing or attractive. I do know when someone is good looking but that doesn't entirely sell me on the idea of me wanting them to be a potential partner. However, oddly enough, personality doesn't do it much either (though I would never consider dating a jerk). What I'm getting at is that every once in a great while I'll see some guy or whatever and develop a slight crush on him (once in a while it'll happen with someone I know but that doesn't seem to happen as often) for whatever reason, but my interest usually fades within a few weeks either a) because I'm just not interested anymore, or b) I never talked to them because I'm slightly introverted and less likely to strike a conversation with someone I find appealing (you know, typical tongue tied person in front of their crush). I don't know what to call this. Is it normal to find random people you hardly know attractive/ appealing? Why does my interest in them fade so quickly?

Also, sometimes I want a relationship, but I don't want a particularly romantic relationship. Some romance wouldn't be bad but I guess I'm just looking for a really good friendship? Something where I could discuss things with my SO, do fun things together, and just have a... companion I guess, someone who I could be with but not entirely depend on, someone who would understand when I want my alone time.

I'm sorry, I know I'm being confusing, but even if this doesn't make sense to anyone, it feels good to get it off my chest.

Thanks for listening to a confused teenager for a while, I appreciate it.

[tahtipolya]

welcome to aven!!

for the first part, i personally dont think thats weird. ive heard a lot of aces and a few non-aces being repulsed by these things, i guess it depends on how youre raised/who you just naturally are. im pretty much in the same boat as you haha

you could be grey-romantic? (im not the best person to talk to about grey-romance, so i recommend checking out the romance section of the forums) and ive never had a crush, so i cant really talk to you about that sorry!

hope you enjoy aven :)

[Firestar12]

welcome to aven!!

for the first part, i personally dont think thats weird. ive heard a lot of aces and a few non-aces being repulsed by these things, i guess it depends on how youre raised/who you just naturally are. im pretty much in the same boat as you haha

you could be grey-romantic? (im not the best person to talk to about grey-romance, so i recommend checking out the romance section of the forums) and ive never had a crush, so i cant really talk to you about that sorry!

hope you enjoy aven :)

Thanks!

I have read a few other forums that have discussed the idea of being repulsed by sex, but I suppose I feel as though I'm immature because the people around me seem very comfortable about the topic while I try to stay away from it.

Grey-romantic does make sense, but I'm still trying to figure myself out so I won't add anything to my sexual "titles" for now. And on crushes, I've never had any of those "story book" crushes where the person kind of takes over your thoughts or anything like that. Mine are more so things where I like the person and could possibly see myself in a relationship with them or just enjoy being around them. It's never anything major so I can't say I have a lot of experience in the "crush" field either :lol:

Thanks for taking the time to reply! I'm sure I'll figure myself out eventually ^_^

[touching-not-so-much]

Hi and welcome. I still feel that same awkward childishness because in a lot of ways I have at least an averasion, and is even part of the reason I never enjoyed Game of Thrones but also I tend to just avoid things I don't identify with - drugs, drinking, sex, partying, etc. I'm 43 and still feel awkward and like an idiot when people talk about sexual things (a recent experience I had working with some 60 year old guys who talked all about their life experiences and I was like "I liked Nintendo"), even with my friends, my main one and his family know I have no experience or anything and I've told I really just decided to forego even worrying about all that because I'm in no condition (financially, physically, etc) to have a relationship - I didn't tell them I'm ace because I didn't know til recently.

[Star Bit]

Basically you need to try to masturbate. I highly suggest this non-graphic video (link). Alot of women need time to learn how to reach orgasm; the female body and mind is more complicated than most males. Women commonly have easy turn offs, so if anything is distracting you it can prevent arousal or orgasm (even worry of not orgasming, school stress, or someone walking in). Another complication is that most women do not orgasm from vaginal penetration and require clitoral stimulation, which you obviously need to learn the location of. Orgasm intensity also differs by person, so for some it can be as minute as a 1 for arousal and a 2 for orgasm (i.e. the televised version being from a 1 jumping to a 10 is not how everyone experiences it and differences in it are completely fine), so you could have minuscule orgasms if you suddenly lose arousal. Also, it differs by person on how long it takes to reach orgasm. For some it could be minutes and for others it could be half an hour to an hour. Once you start masturbating you may end up being sexual (i.e. there was no link made downstairs so things upstairs didn't start turning their gears) But if you can't get aroused, and i don't mean to spook you, but it may not be good. You may have a hormone problem (symptoms link, and hormone tests aren't always conclusive because they range for the normal and not so much the abnormal, so checking symptoms is important) or it could be something blocking blood flow that's possibly cancerous or possibly brain related. However, some people are also just different and don't have anything wrong with their body, but it is just a health precaution, so i needed to tell you.

And correct, aesthetic attraction (which alone is platonic) is not romantic attraction. What do you experience with these occasional crushes? Do you mean something like this?

Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc.

You're also 16 and most people develop their orientation as late as 17; a minority being up to 20, so there is the plausibility of you being a late bloomer. (excluding demisexuality / romanticism which can be realized at any age)

Is it normal to find random people you hardly know attractive/ appealing? Why does my interest in them fade so quickly?

I guess I'm just looking for a really good friendship? Something where I could discuss things with my SO, do fun things together, and just have a... companion I guess, someone who I could be with but not entirely depend on, someone who would understand when I want my alone time.

To the first, yes. To the second, it's also common for interest to fade if it is not reciprocated. To the third, maybe you desire a close friend or best friend or queerplatonic relationship (i.e. a step above best friends where there is a closeness/importance or platonic physical contact above the best friend norm).

[Firestar12]

Okay, thanks for the information Star Bit. I'm not sure I'll try masturbation just yet, but I appreciate the help.

Anyways, with my "crushes" I suppose I'd say that when I have a crush on someone, it's very small. What I mean by this is that I don't feel any sort of sexual arousal from them but it's more so something where I want to be around that person more and have someone I can rely on. Now I do have very close friends who I know for sure I can rely on, but I suppose I'm looking for a relationship that takes it that one step further but doesn't go into the "danger zone" of things related to sex. And no, I don't think my crushes are as... intense, I guess, as romantic attraction because while it does explain what I feel a bit, it's not quite the same.

Thanks for helping! I guess I'll just have to take time to figure out what I actually want, but even posting about it has helped me out. ^_^

[Ladyinred]

Welcome, keep reading and learning! You could be a late bloomer, or you could be demisexual, or you could be asexual. Just know that how you feel, you are not alone! Many others feel how you do, on this site.

[Star Bit]

it's more so something where I want to be around that person more and have someone I can rely on.

You can have a romantic relationship without sex, but what you describe doesn't entirely sound like romantic attraction. However, your crushes would be in their early development so they actually could be crushes but just be light. Like i said, crushes don't have to be intense; the first sentence of the definition is all that's needed; soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation. But if it's not what i listed then perhaps they're friend crushes. But friend crushes don't normally fade away that easily, at least from what i hear.

Platonic attraction - (aka a friend crush or squish; a play on the romantic word crush) the impulse to further know or befriend someone specific. The desired bond can vary from being friends, to close friends, to best friends. It may include nervousness or admirance, and once the desired bond is reached the squish goes away.

[henshin]

Just to respond to the sex repulsed part of your post...

I think it's ok to feel unsure about sex, scared of it or grossed out by it, especially when you're young and you haven't experienced sexual attraction. I also believe that culture has an effect on how we view sex and that emotions and ideas like shame, purity, embarrassment and slut-shaming can all impact on the way we, especially women, respond to sex.

There's no need for you to try and change how you feel, as long as you're not being judgemental about others but it doesn't seem like you are. I heartily endorse the old 'get a mirror and explore what's between your legs' theory because I think women are often made to feel embarrassed about their genitals and all the things that go on down there. However there is of course no pressure to try masturbation unless you feel like it.