Am I Asexual? (Or on the Spectrum?)

[Eternal_Daydreamer]

Hey all,

This is my first post here, and basically the reason I joined was because I've been back and forth on what exactly I am, so to speak. Obviously input is VERY important, so please don't hesitate to say what you think. Now for some background:

For as long as I can remember I've felt pretty different from most people. Obviously there's a variety of reasons behind this besides just sexuality, but it became more apparent as I went towards, and through, puberty. I remember all of a sudden people were talking about sex, and actually telling me personal sexual experiences. I always found it very alienating and uncomfortable, and even now, at 20, I find it awkward to discuss. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was a senior in high school, and even then I told him from the beginning sex was very unlikely to happen. The furthest we went was kissing, and I didn't enjoy it as much as I hoped I would. (I did like it when he kissed my neck, though.) I feel it important to mention that I chose to date him because I found him VERY physically attractive from the moment I saw him. I couldn't stop looking at him, and when I did, my heart felt it might explode. So, the thing is, I DO see people that I find attractive. However, I don't feel myself wanting to have sex with them as much as I find myself fantasizing of cuddling with them, holding hands, traveling together, laughing together...and just spending out lives together. (Okay, I don't immediately envision all of that when I see a random person, but you get what I'm saying). This reaction only happens with some men that I see, so obviously I do have physical preferences. Is it possible to feel this way and have it be more aesthetic/romantic than sexual?

I also admit that sometimes I will imagine sexual scenarios, but I have a really hard time actually seeing myself going through with them in reality. I remember when I was with my high school boyfriend and things started to seem like they were going farther than just kissing, I would get really panicked. Although, as our relationship progressed I found myself being more open to certain acts than I was prior. I'm not if this was because I genuinely wanted them, or because I wanted him to love me more. (He was very disinterested throughout the entirety of the relationship, turns out he was gay.)

The thing is, when I read about asexuality, it says asexuals experience NO sexual attraction....but does that count as sexual attraction, or is it romantic attraction? Like I said, I can tell when someone is attractive, and I do find specific people attractive. (It is VERY rare for me though, and people always tell me I'm way too "picky") But I rarely to never actually entertain the idea of having sex with these individuals...at least not from the get-go. Instead, as stated before, I imagine doing romantic things, and basically having them love me, and me them. If anything, sex itself often sort of repulses me (although it definitely depends on the specific act..some are more acceptable to me than others). It gets even more confusing when I bring in the fact that I haven't had sex, and at times I wonder that if I tried I would change my mind...but I really don't know if I could bring myself to do it unless I was VERY close and comfortable with the person. Is this just me being afraid and self-conscious, or is it asexuality? I feel it may also be worth mentioning that I never randomly get turned on and feel a need to do anything sexual. Never in my life has that happened.People these days talk about masturbation like everyone does it, but I never have in my entire life. When I tell people this they think I'm lying.

I also realized that for much of my life I've been very sex-negative, but I have gotten better over the years. When I was in high school and a close friend of mine told me she had sex, I felt sick to my stomach, started crying, and went home early. Obviously that is a very extreme response to have, and I'm still not sure what to make of it. I also know I've always been reluctant to leave childhood. I miss the innocence in everything...I have since come to terms with most of this though. At this point in time, I can handle people talking about sexually explicit scenarios without getting really upset, I just feel kind of uncomfortable and alone.

I will also admit that I am not bothered by-and do in fact somewhat enjoy- sexual scenarios in movies or books. Although, with that said, I personally feel more of an intense reaction from extremely romantic and/or emotionally loving situations. (Hand holding, cuddling, whispering sweet nothings...*melts*)

So, any thoughts? Is it normal/possible to find people attractive by looking at them and still be asexual, or perhaps greysexual? Or am I just a very conservative/romantic hetero?

Thanks!

[Eternal_Daydreamer]

Accidentally posted twice, sorry.

[timidcat]

You sound like you might gray asexual. Don't worry, it doesn't matter your feelings don't fit into a specific label. Your feelings are valid and you don't have to do anything to better fit into a label.

[Ladyinred]

Welcome. Asexual is lack of SEXUAL attraction. What you wrote would jive with that. You are experiencing romantic and aesthetic (looks) attraction. Many asexuals do experience these. I sure do! So what you wrote sounds quite asexual to me. However you could also end up to be demisexual, but haven't met a special person yet. Read up on asexual and demisexual. Best wishes!