I'm confused. Am I Gray-A? (TMI?)

[DwarvenMage]

After reading all of the various definitions I could find I still don't know how to classify myself or if I'm even some class of normal. I'm hoping somebody here can tell me that they've heard of people like me before and maybe that there's a term for it. So, here goes.

As far as I can tell, I'm sexual up to the point where actual sex is involved. I'm physically turned on by women. I masturbate with images of women. I can become aroused when I see attractive women in person. You get the idea.

The thing is, it seems to stop there. When I think about actually doing sexual things my reaction is more disgust than anything else. I can be in the middle of foreplay with a woman I'm attracted to and, even though I was super excited to see her naked, I just can't be turned on anymore. The moment bodily fluids become involved I start to feel disgusted instead of turned on and no amount of foreplay within my experience can change that. Even kissing is a major turn off for me.

But this is all very confusing. It's like I'm visually sexual but my other senses aren't cooperating. I show all of the signs of being sexual up to a point and then the parts that are supposed to turn me on the most end up turning me off instead.

So, I ask you, have any of you heard of something like this before? Is it normal? Is there a term for it? Any help here would be appreciated.

[Ladyinred]

Hi, welcome! I am sure you are not the only one to have this. I relate to it, but a little different. For me, I get turned on with my partner in foreplay and everything is going well, but all I want is the foreplay. I don't want the actual sex. But I am not repulsed though. No problems with genitals or fluids. Just no actual desire to have actual intercourse. I used to have the sex just to please my partner. And to try to be "normal". It was always disappointing. I am definitely asexual. I have no desire for sex. I do masterbate though. Many asexuals do.

IMHO you sound either asexual, in a similar way to me, OR you could maybe be sexual but have a repulsion to genitals and fluids. If the latter, maybe therapy would help!

Either way, you are not alone! Best wishes!

[DwarvenMage]

Thanks for the response. I've wondered if some variety of therapy could help but I've never really sought it out because it's never really been that important to me. It's like I built up this idea that sex must be awesome for a long time (because society), found out otherwise, and then just didn't feel motivated to do it anymore. I guess I just don't feel like I'm missing out enough to warrant therapy. I also notice that other people seem to have a similar aversion to bodily fluids so I always thought that it was normal, although I guess it must magically go away for them during sex? I don't really know on that one.

Now that I think about it more, I think it's that detail that I don't really feel like I'm missing much that makes me feel like I can relate to asexuality, more so than the issue with the bodily fluids. But, at the same time, I have a hard time trying to convince myself that I'm fully asexual when I regularly search for sexy things on the Internet and am definitely sexually attracted to women. Can you be sexually attracted to certain people and still be considered asexual?

[MacAran]

Definitions vary, but you certainly seem to fall under the unbrella. I'm not too different to either of you. I enjoy foreplay to an extent, I get aroused by certain things (nakedness really isn't one of them, but that's neither here nor there), but I have zero interest in intercourse. I'm sure if I looked I could find a very specific term that fits me, but for simplicity, I use the term romantic Asexual, and the rest is, for the most part, between me and whoever I might or might not be sharing a bed with. I'm not good with definitions, and I don't want to miss-define something here, but some terms you might want to look into are "demi-ssexual" and "Gray-asexual" that might also resonate with you. The definition I use for myself is that I have no interest in sticking my... um... self into anyone else, and I have no interest in anyone sticking anything into me. Therefore, I am Ace because I have no interest in having intercourse.

[Starlit Sky]

Of course, I'm not allowed to say whether you are or you aren't asexual, and I won't . . . but to me you don't sound asexual, as an asexual will not get turned on by anyone (though they may get turned-on by the idea of someone). I would not personally call you gray-A either (though if you want to then feel free to)--but I WOULD call you gray-sexual.

Often people forget that sexuality is a spectrum on both sides. There are gray-sexuals just as there are gray-asexuals, but gray-sexuals aren't discussed here too often because most of the focus on AVEN is, of course, asexuality. There are also plenty of people who would say that gray-sexuals are the same thing as gray-asexuals, and if you do then that's A-okay (the only reason I don't is because I'm nitpicky haha). The only basic difference is that a gray-A is going to have more times when they're "like asexuals," and a gray-sexual is going to have more times where they're "like sexuals." That's a lame way to put it . . . but I think you get the picture.

And of course, there are people like you, and a few have come to AVEN before to seek out questions. :) If I can find some links, I'll be sure to show you!

I hope this helps <3