Moving in with my boyfriend... (Please help)

[tiredandhungry]

Hey guys! I've been on this site before but with a different name... It's been so long I can't even remember the username or email I signed up with... Which is kind of good I guess because I haven't felt a crisis coming on... Which is how I found out about you guys in the first place. Well, until now... I don't really know what category I'm under.... But I definitely know I'm asexual. I have a feeling this is going to be a long post.. so if you read all of it, I'm proud of you! Thank you.... I need help.

My friends kind of pressured me into signing up for a dating app a couple years ago... I haven't had much luck with relationships in the past and thought it was hopeless, but I signed up anyway... Well, cut to 2 years ago. I met a wonderful human being! We went on several dates, and I liked him. But never LIKED LIKED him... You know what I mean... But I liked him as a person, and we have a TON of crap in common. My first reaction was to abort because this is weird and unnatural for me to even be dating... But I kept with it. I decided to see where it goes... A few months turned into a year, which turned into another year.... I was upfront from the beginning and told him I'm asexual. I don't desire sex, or even physical touch. And he was fine with it! I couldn't even fathom that.... He was fine with just being with me! Just hanging out with me was enough. I still can't believe it honestly. Which is why I'm here.

I'm not a virgin. I lost my virginity to him. The catch is, I only "want it" SOMETIMES when I'm drunk. I completely knew what I was doing, and don't regret it at all. He's never pressured me to do anything. I just thought I should throw that out there. But on the flip side to that, I feel like I've put this pressure on myself that I can't live up to. He's adapted to my quirks. If you want to call my asexuality a quirk. He knows now I don't want to cuddle, or make out. He knows unless I explicitly initiate it, it's not gonna happen. But I have so much guilt. I don't want him to someday regret choosing me. I realize it's his choice... Which is why I've always been up front with him. I know what it's like to be with someone and then have them tell me "well, it's better off for you if I'm not here." I want it to be his decision. I just can't shake the guilt that I can't give him what I know he wants.

So you know part of the backstory now... Which leads me to why I've sought this place out and signed up again... In a week I'm going to be moving in with him. And I'm a little terrified. Not because he's put any pressure on me, but for the guilt I have not being able to fulfill his normal human needs. He knows I can't sleep in the same bed with him so I'll have my own room. But is that healthy??? I'm trying not to project "normal" live in girlfriend/boyfriend relationships into this, but I can't help it... I wan't to have that "normal" relationship, I just don't think I'm capable of it.

I'm on here hoping other people in my situation can help me out.... Even if you're not and you have some nice words to share, I'd appreciate that too...

[Homer]

I think that if he really had issues with your stance on touch and sexuality, you probably wouldn't have made it this far.

You've been upfront to him which is the best thing to do. The two of you seem to have found a way to handle intimacy that works for both of you. That's cool :) every couple, be them sexual, ace or mixed, has to find a way to express their feelings so that everyone is comfortable. Heck, this even applies to friendships! Having all of these thoughts, having to sort this out is nothing but regular and necessary. You seem to have done pretty well on this so far. Congratulations :)

Which leads me to ask - why do you experience this kind of guilt? You say that he never pressured you into anything and that he's okay with waiting until you initiate things. Blunt question: Why don't you believe him? Trust him? (Do you fear that he could be hoping for a change "once you move in together"?) To me it seems like a trust issue you need to talk over. Granted, it'll put him into an uncomfortable position because he can't "prove" not wanting more / more frequently, just as anyone can't prove that they won't ever change their mind about being asexual. I can't really come up with a possible answer that would both be true and satisfying... so we're back at the trust thing.

I really think that you need to share this with him.

As to the setup of your bedroom. Yes, it may be unusual not to share a bed or a room at night. Still, it is your relationship and you have to find the way which is the most comfortable to you. Nothing's more important than a good night's rest :) unusual isn't "not normal" in an unhealthy way, at least not by default. "Normal" is what the two of you define to be normal for yourself. You don't need to live up to anyone's expectations and there's no list to tick off to determine whether what you agree on is "normal" and/or healthy.

tl;dr - talk to him. The two of you seem to be pretty open towards one another so I don't see why you shouldn't be this time.

Best of luck

[tiredandhungry]

Thank you so much for your reply! I feel a little better about things having a different perspective.

As for your question, I honestly don't know why I'm guilty... It's not that I don't trust him when he says it's okay... I guess I'm projecting how I think he must feel.

We've actually had that exact conversation. I told him I feel really bad not being able to give him a normal relationship. And he said exactly what you did. He doesn't know how to express to me that it's really fine with him...

I'm just really bad at relationships and it just seems too good to be true you know? 😛

Again, thanks for your thoughtful reply! I appreciate it.

[Lara Black]

Hello, Tiredandhungry.

I’m currently starting to live with my asexual loved one, so I have a similar situation, but I’m on the other side of it. And from where I stand, the asexuality doesn’t bother me – I’ve accepted it before we got together and got into this relationship knowingly. Simple things like our dietary differences bother me much more.)

I agree with Homer here about finding ways to express yourself and I’ll take it one step further – most of us (regardless of sexual preferences) have fears that some hypothetical perfect person could be better for their loved one. I have my fears and feelings of guilt as well, though in our relationship I’m the sexual one.)

So, I think that negative feelings like that aren’t indicative of anything wrong between you two – they most likely are just a sign of anxiety before getting to the next step of your relationships.

So, good luck with your partner.

[tiredandhungry]

Thank you Lara! It's great to hear the opposite perspective. Oh, and I totally understand about the diet thing. He won't eat any veggitables at all. 😣

[Homer]

Potato chips are made of potatoes and therefore count as veggies :D

Projecting can be dangerous as you (general you, not tiredandhungry you) tend to jump to conclusions that might not be true. Furthermore you might really grow into believing your assumptions or seeing them as the truth^TM rather than actually listening to the other person. "I believe you think [like this] so you really think [like this] and you saying otherwise makes you a liar/cheater/whatever-er!"

Please try to refrain from that. (I know it's hard, I really do.)

Blunt question alert: Would there be a way for him to express that it's fine for him? Is there anything you would like him to do/say/not do/not say/...? How would you like this kind of appreciation to be expressed? (This is just for you to think about, of course you don't have to disclose anything)

Oh, and, er, I have no idea how to relationship myself. No personal experience here whatsoever, just observation and having been part of a handful of close friendships.

[tiredandhungry]

Hahahaha I'm pretty sure his only veggitable intake is from french fries and occasionally salsa. 😛

I totally agree. This is something I need to work on. It has nothing to do with him. I'll put some serious thought in to how I can change my way of thinking. Hopefully moving in will make it easier to prove to myself that he legitimately is fine with just being in my presence.

Thank you again for a very thoughtful reply! 😊

[Homer]

Hopefully moving in will make it easier to prove to myself that he legitimately is fine with just being in my presence.

Remember: One cannot hide one's true self forever. Especially not if one is close to someone.

[Telecaster68]

As a male sexual, I'd echo everything Homer said. If he wasn't completely, deeply fine with how things are, you'd know by now, and he wouldn't be keen to move in with you. If he says he's fine, then trust what he says, just like you do with other things.

And even if he isn't fine with it, or over time he becomes less fine with it (which I really don't think is the case), there's nothing you can usefully do about it at this stage. What will happen, will happen, just as it might turn out one of you has some other dealbreaking issue that you'd only find out after you move in together.

it just seems too good to be true you know?

Yeah, if you've had crap relationships before, good ones do feel like that. Relax. It is that good, and why wouldn't it be?

[Homer]

And even if he isn't fine with it, or over time he becomes less fine with it (which I really don't think is the case), there's nothing you can usefully do about it at this stage. What will happen, will happen, just as it might turn out one of you has some other dealbreaking issue that you'd only find out after you move in together.

I guess this is something I still have to internalise myself...