Questioning for too long: Am I a hecking asexual?

[vaintalk]

Hallo everybody!

I know I know! Only you get to decide your labels. I used to call myself asexual as I believed myself to fit in here, but I don't want to appropriate an orientation, esp. when it is so invisible.

So, I am 23, the first and last partner I had was at 19, and we lasted 6 months. We tried to do sexual stuff, well, he tried to convince me to do sexual stuff, I would fake tiredness and take 'naps'. I was super relieved when we broke up.

For a while I was pining for a boyfriend and then through feminist discourses and finding the word 'heteronormativity', I realised, meh why? As for crushes, well, crushes are never a serious thing for me.

The only time I almost asked a person out was early last year. We were studying in the same department, but different degrees. He was very pretty. I took a long time to consider asking him out because, what if he said yes, and I had to have sex with him!? Omg noooooooo! my heart would beat really quickly and I would talk myself out of asking him out. Over and over and over. Sex is so... default, ugh. Turns out he had a girlfriend, which was sad, but kind of hugely relieving. You get what I mean?

I can't really pinpoint why I used to (and still do?) believe I might be asexual. I love reading erotica, I infrequently masturbate, I find women more than men to be very very pretty, although I envision my future with a man. I associate the word 'hot' with sharp features, I fantasise about having sex with fictional characters frequently, and a couple of things I can't remember as I type this. When I was in school, in the span of 2-3 months about 3 boys asked me out, and I didn't even know why. Ever since, I have become a suspicious person when talking to men; I can 'detect' when men have a crush on me. The thought of having sex with an actual person terrifies me, even with the crush I told you about. Kissing is just... no.

I feel so disconnected from the asexual community as well as non-asexual community, but I feel more accepted here. Whilst many people find comfort in rejecting labels, I am desperately seeking one. I'm so done being so confused about who I am and where I lie on the spectrum of sexualness.

For cultural context, I am an Indian cis woman. Despite lurking here for months, wondering if I should post here, I finally joined this forum literally 15 minutes ago. I would love to hear all of your thoughts, but if you are an Indian cis girl as well, I will bake you some cookies.

Thanks in advance

[Zeena]

Hey! So one of the things I have noticed, both on AVEN and myself, is that there is the constant question in the back of our minds going but am I really asexual? Am I though? I might not be. I reckon it's because asexuality is a lack of feeling, and therefore wayyy harder to pinpoint. I'm pretty sure sexual attraction is like being slapped in the face, from what my friends describe - you can't miss it. We don't have that, but there is always the question lurking. Asexuality isn't a positive test but a negative one, so it's harder to figure out. What you've described is really similar to how I feel, on a lot of accounts. I'm really not interested in sex with anyone and avoid people who clearly have interest in me. I use the term asexual because it works pretty well, but it's not a perfect fit. I think that is partly because its such a large spectrum, especially in terms of sex positivity and sex repulsion. The umbrella covers a lot of ground. To be honest though, I rarely describe myself as "ace" to other people, mostly because they wouldn't know about it, and a bit because I'm also not totally sure if it belongs to me. I just tell them I'm not interested :p Worrying about labels was giving me too much of a headache, so I figured I would try out ace until it no longer fit, and I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. So, yeh, I hope that was mildly helpful? Labels are great and all, but it may be an idea to figure out your own personal boundaries. Like, what are you comfortable with? What aren't you? Then you can work out how that fits into asexuality (or not.)

[Ladyinred]

Hi and welcome! IMHO, you sound like straight forward regular asexual. Not sure why you feel like you don't fit in here? You sound totally normal asexual to me.

[vaintalk]

....its just that I frequently fantasize about sex. I love music that makes me feel some type of way, same with lit erotica. Is that still asexual?

I am not able to connect with most stories of people coming out with, "oh I knew when I was younger". I didn't though. I wanted to feel desired, and when I was, it was so fucking weird. lol

Hi and welcome! IMHO, you sound like straight forward regular asexual. Not sure why you feel like you don't fit in here? You sound totally normal asexual to me.

[vaintalk]

Labels are great and all, but it may be an idea to figure out your own personal boundaries. Like, what are you comfortable with? What aren't you? Then you can work out how that fits into asexuality (or not.)

but that involves being with someone sexually doesn't it? I have put that through my head over and over even before I heard the word asexual (as [a lack of] an orientation), but I still can't... 'get it on' with someone. I don't know if it is because I haven't tried, or because I grew up in a slut shaming culture, or what. My lack of sexual or romantic partners would not necessarily put me in to 'asexual' or 'aromantic', but I really don't know wtf is going on!

I would really love to know myself and where I fit in, because this fuzziness is really REALLY annoying.

Thanks for your reply <3 <3

[andreas1033]

Your going through what we all had too.

How do you prove a negative to yourself?

You cannot prove it to others. Only you can justify it to yourself, and virtually no one accepts asexuals exist but them.

It comes down to, how do you prove to yourself something, that your not interested in something, most people are. Most people do not accept, there is asexuals, so you have to prove it to yourself.

Proving a negative is very difficult. But like i said, males and females reach there peaks in terms of energy. Males around early twenties, and females late 20's. Once that peak has gone, if your still a virgin, that desire to find out will go, and turn to essentially nothing.

So your saying your 23 and female, so you may have a few years left before you have reached that peak that everyone has, in terms of there own energies. Those chances you describe, its upto you if you want to find out, or not. If you do not, will you have regrets, not knowing for sure.

I am sure most asexuals, past there peak energies, have no real regrets, and slowly have accepted they were totally asexual.

Its upto you op, how you want to prove it to yourself or not. Its your life. You can only prove a negative about your life to yourself. There is no one else whom understands you like you.

[vaintalk]

Your going through what we all had too.

How do you prove a negative to yourself?

You cannot prove it to others. Only you can justify it to yourself, and virtually no one accepts asexuals exist but them.

It comes down to, how do you prove to yourself something, that your not interested in something, most people are. Most people do not accept, there is asexuals, so you have to prove it to yourself.

Proving a negative is very difficult. But like i said, males and females reach there peaks in terms of energy. Males around early twenties, and females late 20's. Once that peak has gone, if your still a virgin, that desire to find out will go, and turn to essentially nothing.

So your saying your 23 and female, so you may have a few years left before you have reached that peak that everyone has, in terms of there own energies. Those chances you describe, its upto you if you want to find out, or not. If you do not, will you have regrets, not knowing for sure.

I am sure most asexuals, past there peak energies, have no real regrets, and slowly have accepted they were totally asexual.

Its upto you op, how you want to prove it to yourself or not. Its your life. You can only prove a negative about your life to yourself. There is no one else whom understands you like you.

I'm not sure but are you are mixing up libido and attraction?

[AmoebaOverlord]

Very happy to see Indians on here :D Knowing the subcontinents marriage obsessed culture I really hope that your family is not giving you a hard time to get married!

I'm questioning myself and feel very similar to what you are describing about yourself. I feel that I usually recoil when someone makes a move on me. While my body tells me to think it's nice, my mind speaks an entirely different story - lacking any desire to go after what my body wants to do. I always felt like that, for as far as I can remember, but I always cherished little romantic gestures a lot. I sometimes think that I would be more open to embrace sexual moves, but only if the other person initiates it after several dates and getting to know the other person - and I would only go along passively. Last time I also did not really like it a lot and it didn't really feel pleasurable to me.

According to the Asexuality Archive's free PDF-Ebook (I really like it a lot): http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/, I would be able to see myself as asexual. Whether or not you can too is up to you.

Regards,

Amoeba

[vaintalk]

Very happy to see Indians on here :D Knowing the subcontinents marriage obsessed culture I really hope that your family is not giving you a hard time to get married!

I'm questioning myself and feel very similar to what you are describing about yourself. I feel that I usually recoil when someone makes a move on me. While my body tells me to think it's nice, my mind speaks an entirely different story - lacking any desire to go after what my body wants to do. I always felt like that, for as far as I can remember, but I always cherished little romantic gestures a lot. I sometimes think that I would be more open to embrace sexual moves, but only if the other person initiates it after several dates and getting to know the other person - and I would only go along passively. Last time I also did not really like it a lot and it didn't really feel pleasurable to me.

According to the Asexuality Archive's free PDF-Ebook (I really like it a lot): http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/, I would be able to see myself as asexual. Whether or not you can too is up to you.

Regards,

Amoeba

It is also really confusing because I don't know where my internalised misogyny ends and my asexuality (if that's what it is) begins. Thanks for the link :)

[Homer]

This is from the "Questions about asexuality" section:

What is Asexuality?

The definition of Asexuality in itself is a highly debated topic on AVEN as you'll find the thread "Is AVEN sending us mixed messages?" However, there's two general definitions that are used.

1. Someone who does not experience sexual attraction to any gender.
2. Someone who has no desire for partnered sex.

It's safe to say, that as long as your definition fits under one of these two categories, you can call yourself asexual.

Hope this helps.

[vaintalk]

This is from the "Questions about asexuality" section:

What is Asexuality?

The definition of Asexuality in itself is a highly debated topic on AVEN as you'll find the thread "Is AVEN sending us mixed messages?" However, there's two general definitions that are used.

1. Someone who does not experience sexual attraction to any gender.
2. Someone who has no desire for partnered sex.

It's safe to say, that as long as your definition fits under one of these two categories, you can call yourself asexual.

Hope this helps.

I have no idea where to place myself still. :\

[vaintalk]

Perhaps I can ask here, what is gray asexuality? And is that where I would fit?

[phantomstar]

I literally just joined like 5 minutes ago lol but @vaintalk you seem like a pretty intelligent person. Gray-asexuality as i have learned is just someone who almost never experiences sexual attraction. I don't think this fit's you as you have claimed to fantasize often meaning your sexual imagination is active with other. I don't really know where i fit in myself, looking around this site a lot of members are not asexual but just unaccepted due to strange behavior. This non acceptance has led them down a path where they believe they are not sexually attracted to anyone but it's just that they lack interpersonal skills. As for myself i'm 20 never had my first kiss or been in a relationship but being labeled as "asexual" or anything has never really crossed my mind. On top of being asexual I feel like i lack the basic human emotional system all together. I don't particularly like anyone and feel happiest when i'm alone. I'm not ugly or an anime freak or something i can blend quite easily but i so dress myself very nicely. I like the gucci prada fendi and louis v. I feel like i'm so much more than my physical form and being a human is kind of a curse. I'm trapped in a world underserving of me and it's kind of sad. I feel like i'm the ultimate actor i know what to say when to say it and how to say it.... but in the end none of it matters to me. If my mother died tomorrow but main thought process would be who will pay my bills. I know it's sad but this is the way i have always been. In my case i think asexual is just a piece of an even grander definition.

[Guest]

I literally just joined like 5 minutes ago lol but @vaintalk you seem like a pretty intelligent person. Gray-asexuality as i have learned is just someone who almost never experiences sexual attraction. I don't think this fit's you as you have claimed to fantasize often meaning your sexual imagination is active with other. I don't really know where i fit in myself, looking around this site a lot of members are not asexual but just unaccepted due to strange behavior. This non acceptance has led them down a path where they believe they are not sexually attracted to anyone but it's just that they lack interpersonal skills. As for myself i'm 20 never had my first kiss or been in a relationship but being labeled as "asexual" or anything has never really crossed my mind. On top of being asexual I feel like i lack the basic human emotional system all together. I don't particularly like anyone and feel happiest when i'm alone. I'm not ugly or an anime freak or something i can blend quite easily but i so dress myself very nicely. I like the gucci prada fendi and louis v. I feel like i'm so much more than my physical form and being a human is kind of a curse. I'm trapped in a world underserving of me and it's kind of sad. I feel like i'm the ultimate actor i know what to say when to say it and how to say it.... but in the end none of it matters to me. If my mother died tomorrow but main thought process would be who will pay my bills. I know it's sad but this is the way i have always been. In my case i think asexual is just a piece of an even grander definition.

WeIcome to AVEN, IoveIy to see you insuIting many of the members of this site (incIuding sociaIIy awkward peopIe and peopIe who watch anime) within onIy 5 minutes of being here ^_^

[vaintalk]

I don't really know where i fit in myself, looking around this site a lot of members are not asexual but just unaccepted due to strange behavior.

Please elaborate.

This non acceptance has led them down a path where they believe they are not sexually attracted to anyone but it's just that they lack interpersonal skills.

You can lack interpersonal skills and still be non-asexual.

I'm not ugly or an anime freak or something i can blend quite easily but i so dress myself very nicely. I like the gucci prada fendi and louis v.

I don't understand the relevance any of this. So you're a fashion snob?

If my mother died tomorrow but main thought process would be who will pay my bills. I know it's sad but this is the way i have always been.

Most people would go through that as soon as something traumatising would occur. I still do not see this relevance to asexuality.