timidcat Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 I'm not entirely sure what sexual attraction is supposed to feel like. Now that I'm actually socialising some people are catching my eye. I enjoy looking at them as they pass by and I have a strong urge to tell them how adorable they look and it saddens me that those people might have low body confidence. I sometimes feel an urge to be friends with them but shut down those thoughts because of seperate reasons. I know I would kinda miss them when I finish with these activities. So what the heck am I feeling? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dissolved Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 Sexual attraction away from AVEN is generally accepted as manifesting as someone/something "turning you on". So, whether it's the way someone looks, smells, sounds etc, if they trigger a response in you, that's a result of attraction. The response may include (but is certainly not limited to) heart racing, blushing, sweating, being tongue-tied, and in some cases, physical arousal. It's completely involuntary, completely natural, but it is your body reacting to someone or something, it's not "a bodily function". Contrary to the popular AVEN belief, sexual attraction is not looking at someone and wanting to have sex with them. However. If you look around these forums, you'll find people here who experience arousal as a response to someone/something. They'll deny it's anything sexual and they'll call it something else, but in the real world if someone turns you on, it's accepted that you find them attractive. Some sexual folk also never experience this arousal directed at someone, so it's pretty dumb using this as a way of determining sexuality, right? Where sexual and asexual folk differ is whether or not they experience the desire for sexual contact. It may be subtle, or only happen once you're close with someone, or if foreplay or general touching is already happening (this last one is called responsive desire). Some people will get the desire to act on sexual attraction, so towards someone very specific, and others will just have a general desire for sex that isn't directed towards anyone in particular. If you've never been in an emotionally and/or physically close relationship with someone, you could well be a regular sexual person and not know it. But if you have no desire to even get to that stage with someone, then you're probably in asexual and/or aromantic territory! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 Some people will get the desire to act on sexual attraction, so towards someone very specific, and others will just have a general desire for sex that isn't directed towards anyone in particular. And the same person can have both versions at different times, or even the same time. Actually what you describe sounds more like shyness than anything else, like you'd like to socialise with them but find it hard to make an approach. It doesn't necessarily say anything one way or the other about your sexuality. Where sexual and asexual folk differ is whether or not they experience the desire for sexual contact. I've come to phrase it that sexual people feel the entire point of their sexuality is to share it with someone else; asexuals feel it's nothing to do with anyone else. All the other variables - libido, attraction, etc - are the same. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 dissolved has given this a pretty thorough explanation. I always had a hard time with the "desire for sexual contact bit" because, well of course I had that desire, didn't I? I didn't really understand at first, but someone explained it to me that for most sexual people, desiring sexual contact with someone is just kind of a natural progression. Like they wouldn't even question it. Eventually, they'll end up there, because of course they will. I realized generally speaking, that isn't part of my natural progression. Though I'm not super firm in my convictions on that. Transitioning blurs everything. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 I didn't really understand at first, but someone explained it to me that for most sexual people, desiring sexual contact with someone is just kind of a natural progression. Like they wouldn't even question it. Eventually, they'll end up there, because of course they will. I realized generally speaking, that isn't part of my natural progression. How does it work for you then, Hads? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NerotheReaper Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 What I have observed in people and researching, sexual attraction is simply someone else 'turning you on'. Feeling good down there as well, desiring that person's physical contact on a deep level. Of course some asexuals do watch porn, or masturbate but for me none of those turn me on. So there is no parties happening in my body for me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted August 22, 2016 Share Posted August 22, 2016 I didn't really understand at first, but someone explained it to me that for most sexual people, desiring sexual contact with someone is just kind of a natural progression. Like they wouldn't even question it. Eventually, they'll end up there, because of course they will. I realized generally speaking, that isn't part of my natural progression. How does it work for you then, Hads? I dunno. Sex or being sexual doesn't really show up for me. In the past it was the antithesis of how I wanted to be with someone. That feeling is less so these days, but I still feel like someone would really have to tell me, "hey, wanna have sexytimes?" I don't think I'd ever arrive there on my own. Not really in my repertoire of "things I'd want to do with a partner".But like I said, I try to be very careful about my asexuality these days because transition introduces such a wildcard. I have felt things I've never felt before, and I've never felt more comfortable with my body and my capacity to be sexual. And I'm just a baby when it comes to transition. A very light year. If there's one thing I've learned personally that I think the asexual community should take to heart, it's that you should embrace change. Revel in it. Enjoy it. Change is beautiful. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Peachyy Posted August 22, 2016 Share Posted August 22, 2016 I'm not entirely sure what sexual attraction is supposed to feel like. Now that I'm actually socialising some people are catching my eye. I enjoy looking at them as they pass by and I have a strong urge to tell them how adorable they look and it saddens me that those people might have low body confidence. I sometimes feel an urge to be friends with them but shut down those thoughts because of seperate reasons. I know I would kinda miss them when I finish with these activities. So what the heck am I feeling? Lying to yourself or an identity in asexuality? Perhaps a little of both. Don't think that anything you identify as needs to be concrete and unchanging to new experiences and personal explorations. Us all want to find ways to be part of a group that can represent every of our aspects, but thats only helpful up to the point of having different thoughts from that group. Always question yourself and look for new answers! tbh ive noticed that my asexuality was more secure when I spent time alone, and I'm also thinking more often about it since after spending time with new people. Tricky, tricky. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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