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I'm dating a straight person and I might be ace/aro


ichimatsus

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I've been dating this person for a while. In the beginning, I was so sure I was in love with him so I told him how I felt and we started dating. However, I've come to realize something: maybe I was wrong.

It's possible that my feelings for him are nothing more than platonic. I avoid kissing him, hugging him and holding hands, which I think he's noticed. I've never liked physical contact but I thought I was alright with it as long as it was him. Guess I was mistaken. The more time passes the more I realize that, in fact, it still makes me uncomfortable.

Ever since I heard about the asexual and aromantic spectrums I've been thinking that I might fit in those categories. Falling in love with him (or thinking that I did) made me doubt this. But now that I'm uncertain about my feelings for him I'm once again starting to believe I might be ace/aro, or anything in the ace/aro spectrums.

I can tell he wants to have sex soon but how do I explain to him that I am not attracted to him in that way, that imagining having sexual intercourse with him terrifies me or even disgusts me? How do I tell him that, despite the fact that I was the one who initiated this relationship, I am not in love with him? I don't know if I have the guts. We were such close friends before this and he seems so happy. What am I going to do if I ruin everything?

Lately I keep finding flaws in our relationship that I ignored before. I noticed that he doesn't respect my will to keep our relationship to ourselves and our close friends, that he always wants to touch me in public despite knowing that I hate physical contact and public displays of affection, that whenever I talk about something I enjoy he either makes fun of it or ignores me completely, and that we disagree on a lot of things. I considered using these as excuses to end our relationship but that isn't very honest of me, is it? I also thought that maybe I could handle this for a bit longer, just until he gets tired of me and my attitude. I don't know what to do.

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Oh, but that is actually very typical for a romantic person.. To have "rose tinted glasses" and want to be in a relationship with someone, and then when you see what that relationship is actually like, you realize that it's not something you wanted after all.

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In my opinion you should probably end the relationship, or at least take a break. There is clearly something here that isn't working for you and honestly, you don't need a reason. You could be aro/ace, or not, but sometimes things just don't work regardless, and you don't have to force yourself to stick with it.

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Oh, but that is actually very typical for a romantic person.. To have "rose tinted glasses" and want to be in a relationship with someone, and then when you see what that relationship is actually like, you realize that it's not something you wanted after all.

I was thinking exactlly that: her behaviour is very romantic.

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Oh, but that is actually very typical for a romantic person.. To have "rose tinted glasses" and want to be in a relationship with someone, and then when you see what that relationship is actually like, you realize that it's not something you wanted after all.

That might be it. I'm not sure. Thank you for replying!

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In my opinion you should probably end the relationship, or at least take a break. There is clearly something here that isn't working for you and honestly, you don't need a reason. You could be aro/ace, or not, but sometimes things just don't work regardless, and you don't have to force yourself to stick with it.

Maybe taking a break is a good idea. This is stressing me out and I need to focus on more important things right now. Thank you!

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If someone laughs at what you enjoy, and didn't respect your wish to not display affection publicly (beyond a playful tease to a point you are truly uncomfortable) it sounds to me like that may be what is "turning you off" so to speak. I don't want to tell you how you are feeling, or how you should feel. That being said, I think it's more than fair to realize that initial attraction (romantic, platonic our what have you) may change based on the interactions between you as the relationship moves forward. That is okay. If something isn't working, you may want to bring that to his attention, because he may be unaware. None of us are perfect. But if your feelings toward him have changed, that's okay, too, but I wouldn't try to force the ideal into reality. Take as much time as you need to figure out how you feel without taking so much time that you are just avoiding taking action ;)

Best of luck

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If someone laughs at what you enjoy, and didn't respect your wish to not display affection publicly (beyond a playful tease to a point you are truly uncomfortable) it sounds to me like that may be what is "turning you off" so to speak. I don't want to tell you how you are feeling, or how you should feel. That being said, I think it's more than fair to realize that initial attraction (romantic, platonic our what have you) may change based on the interactions between you as the relationship moves forward. That is okay. If something isn't working, you may want to bring that to his attention, because he may be unaware. None of us are perfect. But if your feelings toward him have changed, that's okay, too, but I wouldn't try to force the ideal into reality. Take as much time as you need to figure out how you feel without taking so much time that you are just avoiding taking action ;)

Best of luck

Thank you so much for your reply! ^_^

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Oh, but that is actually very typical for a romantic person.. To have "rose tinted glasses" and want to be in a relationship with someone, and then when you see what that relationship is actually like, you realize that it's not something you wanted after all.

Wow, that's something I've struggled with all my life. I just recently figured out that I might be asexual, but romantic. Maybe I'm right with that. Thank you!

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nanogretchen4

You are not in love with this person, so break up. Don't take a "break", just end it. Set them free to get over you and find someone else who might actually be in love with them. If you want you can explain that you think you are asexual during the breakup, or you can just break up on the grounds that you only want to be friends and avoid that discussion. If you do come out don't let that confuse either of you into thinking you should try to continue the relationship against all the odds. You don't even want to be in this relationship, which is reason enough to end it once and for all. So then add a huge sexual incompatibility that wasn't revealed in a timely fashion, and that's just all the more reason to break up. No reason to jump into a program about compromise, etc., when you don't really even want to continue the relationship.

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