Questioning and a little bit of my history

[Evren]

I have a question for those of you who have actually come out and started to transition. Do you still question it sometimes? Do you think that maybe it's just a really long phase, or a lie that you made up?

In my childhood, I wore a lot of masks, they protected me and they hid parts of myself that were unacceptable to the world. Sometimes these masks were pretty unbelievable. I went through several years where I thought that I could read minds (literally thought), I had a period in time where I believed that Doctor Who was real, I cried for weeks when I finally confronted myself with the knowledge that he wasn't coming in the TARDIS to get me. I had massive stories that played out in my head, with different ideas about who I was, what I could do, ect. Most of them had to do with running away or being rescued. I tried to keep these in my head, the one time I told someone, I guess she thought it was a game, because she went along with it, and when I figured out it wasn't real I was crushed.

These ideas and thought led to believe that I had something literally wrong with my brain through most of my childhood. I used to look into sociopaths and psychopaths ( because I was often emotionally numb and very good at lying), I looked into DID (because I talk to myself constantly, feel fine with calling myself a we and have had arguments with myself that left me in tears). There is a post that I could go dig up on an old forum that would probably make you believe that I was insane, it certainly shocked the poor forum goers who read it the first time.

The problem is that with all of these things, I was sure that they were real, I knew somewhere in the back of my head that they weren't but in reality I was sure. I have and can even subconsciously change my behavior to reflect the issue that I want to present.

Because of all of this, I have a very hard time believing that anything that I actually present the symptoms for is real. It's easy to say it is on this forum, because it is what I feel and you all accept that. I even went to a trans support group, and they accepted it. But how do I know that this isn't like all of the other times in my life where I thought something else was real, only to figure out that I was having one of my true insane moments. (To explain how real these things seem: I had a counselor for several months, and throughout the time I was talking to her, I steadily got better in leaps and bounds, soon I talking and happy and weaving beautiful plans about what I was going to do with my life. These were all lies, and when she moved away I was slightly better than before, but nowhere near the place I had been when she was there. This was because I had realized that she wanted me to get better, and was therefore subconsciously tailoring myself to fit her desires.)

My desire has always been to figure out what was wrong/different with/about me. At this point I believe that it is probably that I am transgender and have Aspergers, but I don't know how to accept that when I cannot tell if it is real. I don't even know if a diagnosis would help, because I can firmly believe that I have these things, and in fact I do believe that, and I can display all of the signs of them, but what if I really don't? The idea that I am transgender has lasted longer than any other before it, at 4 years and counting, I thought that it might be because I have been talking on this forum and you'll support it, but I left for quite a while and I still think about it, even when I am just by myself. As for the Asbergers, that's an even newer idea that I don't know is true or not, I display most of the signs and when I work along with it instead of pretending that I don't have it, things work out a lot better. I have taken to doing things that I did in my childhood and the difference is insane, I sleep better, I feel better, I need to stim on a weakly basis and when I do everything is happy and amazing and content, I love it. But I don't know if it's real, how did you know that what you were experiencing was real enough to take actual physical action?

[dissolved]

how did you know that what you were experiencing was real enough to take actual physical action?

For me I think it was the persistence. I've always been obsessive and my interest in things has come and gone over the years, but the feeling that something was wrong, that whenever I had to be female I felt like I was having an out of body experience, was always at the back of my mind. As soon as I realised transitioning to male was a thing, it hasn't left my mind. It's probably been more than a decade now that I've known transitioning was an option.

I have a question for those of you who have actually come out and started to transition. Do you still question it sometimes? Do you think that maybe it's just a really long phase, or a lie that you made up?

I question myself frequently, just ask my girlfriend :D

I convinced myself for a long time that transitioning was dumb, that it's too much upheaval, too stressful, too difficult to go through, cos let's face it, people are going to be shitty to me while I'm transitioning. I just have to give most of them the benefit of the doubt and assume they're curious rather than malicious.

I wonder if I'm not "trans enough". I don't have this overwhelming feeling that I'm male, I just know I'm not female, so I wonder if I'm not trans. I wonder if I'm non binary (not that I'm even sure what that is exactly) rather than a trans guy. I wonder if transitioning is going to be enough. I wonder if my body will ever feel like mine. I wonder if I'll ever see myself in the mirror.

All I know is, the further I get into transitioning (and yes, I've been on testosterone less than two weeks :D) the more right it feels. I think in a few years, like other people who've transitioned, I'll look back on my life and wonder why I was so scared, so hesitant. It's a huge life change, and you're right to question yourself sometimes. Part of being human, eh? Most folk that transition say that their only regret was not transitioning sooner, which I think will also ring true for me at some point.

[Evren]

how did you know that what you were experiencing was real enough to take actual physical action?

For me I think it was the persistence. I've always been obsessive and my interest in things has come and gone over the years, but the feeling that something was wrong, that whenever I had to be female I felt like I was having an out of body experience, was always at the back of my mind. As soon as I realised transitioning to male was a thing, it hasn't left my mind. It's probably been more than a decade now that I've known transitioning was an option.

I have a question for those of you who have actually come out and started to transition. Do you still question it sometimes? Do you think that maybe it's just a really long phase, or a lie that you made up?

I question myself frequently, just ask my girlfriend :D

I convinced myself for a long time that transitioning was dumb, that it's too much upheaval, too stressful, too difficult to go through, cos let's face it, people are going to be shitty to me while I'm transitioning. I just have to give most of them the benefit of the doubt and assume they're curious rather than malicious.

I wonder if I'm not "trans enough". I don't have this overwhelming feeling that I'm male, I just know I'm not female, so I wonder if I'm not trans. I wonder if I'm non binary (not that I'm even sure what that is exactly) rather than a trans guy. I wonder if transitioning is going to be enough. I wonder if my body will ever feel like mine. I wonder if I'll ever see myself in the mirror.

All I know is, the further I get into transitioning (and yes, I've been on testosterone less than two weeks :D) the more right it feels. I think in a few years, like other people who've transitioned, I'll look back on my life and wonder why I was so scared, so hesitant. It's a huge life change, and you're right to question yourself sometimes. Part of being human, eh? Most folk that transition say that their only regret was not transitioning sooner, which I think will also ring true for me at some point.

Thanks dissolved :), You pretty much echoed my exact thoughts. I have always obsessed over things, but the second I figured out that you could transition I wanted it. I haven't stopped wanting it either, in four years. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me that other people feel what I feel.

I thought maybe that I couldn't really transition while I was questioning myself, I guess that's kinda silly anyway. I would be questioning myself like crazy if I went skydiving but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't do it. Although transition is a bit more permanent.

Thanks bunches :).

[dissolved]

Any time, mate :D

[butterflydreams]

I have a question for those of you who have actually come out and started to transition. Do you still question it sometimes? Do you think that maybe it's just a really long phase, or a lie that you made up?

Yes. Not as much as I once did, but questioning is always kind of scary. Sometimes I think that my mom is right. Sometimes I say to myself, "<old name> wtf are you doing?" I feel afraid that I can't go back now (not really true) even though I know I wouldn't want to. I don't really feel there's anything wrong with this. There are a lot of very real, very practical reasons to fear transition, and that stuff won't go away just because it's the right thing for you to do. I think the trick is to give yourself continued reasons to keep pushing forward. Keeping reminders of the positives helps me, especially when I'm having a lot of doubts, or a really down period (like the past few months).

But I don't know if it's real, how did you know that what you were experiencing was real enough to take actual physical action?

Probably not the answer you want, but I just knew. I knew from the first minute that the thought entered my head that I would do what I'm doing now. Some things happened in my life and I knew I couldn't live the rest of my life not knowing. I still have the relative advantage of youth. The thought of postponing it, waffling, fence sitting, etc, until I was in my 30s or later made me sick to my stomach. First, the way my life was going, I wasn't sure I was going to be able to keep living that long. Second, the thought of being 35 or so, and realizing I could have transitioned younger scared the shit out of me. It's never too late of course, but it does get harder with age. Once I understood what was going on I couldn't in good conscience allow my body to keep masculinizing. Every minute was another minute I'd have to undo later. Every minute was another minute I could be living as my true self.

At that point, there is no "real enough". There's not even a decision to be made really. It's just action that happens. While I might still be really scared and doubt myself, I have no regrets. Not a single one.