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I don't understand romantic relationships


Hordak

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I recently ended a 2 year long relationship because, throughout it, there were a lot of times where I felt uncomfortable and resentful towards it. My ex always told me how I was the first girl he actually respected in a relationship, how I was the most beautiful girl in the world, how he could never be with anyone else. He liked to cuddle and needed constant validation even though he said many times that we didn't have to cuddle or be mushy. After a lot of thinking I decided that I wanted to call it quits, and that platonic affection is all I really want. Friends are more valuable to me than a romantic partner.

The person I broke up with was a dear friend to me and I made it very clear I wanted to continue being friends, but now he treats me differently than before. Obviously he no longer say mushy things to me, but besides that, every response he gives me is very blunt and doesn't feel friendly. Every conversation feels like a business exchange. I pointed that out to him and he asked "what do you want from me?" and started going into how I shattered his heart and how it will be years before he'll get over it.

I'm very sensitive about hurting others, and I really didn't mean to hurt this person. I really enjoyed hanging out with him and we experienced so many cool things together. But now I feel like I've betrayed him or something when all I did was do what felt right... Even in the beginning I wasn't completely sure about saying yes to him when he asked me out. He asked so many times, and said we may as well be in a relationship because we hung out so much and would sometimes hold hands. I guess it was just meant to be a high school thing, and not extend into adulthood. He tried moving across a few states to live near me when I moved, but it didn't work out financially, so he moved back to his home town where we met.

The whole thing has just led me to have no desire whatsoever to be with anyone in any sort of relationship. I feel like a horrible monster when I talk to him, but when I ask myself "was it the right thing to do?" I feel positive and free.

I enjoy being single. Maybe one day I'll meet someone else who is on the ace spectrum and we can share a platonic sort of bond but I don't know. At this point, I'm not even sure if I want to have a partner of any kind.

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Anime Pancake

Hello.

Yeah for someone that has romantic feelings, if the person they are interested in don't feel the same way, it can hurt their feelings sometimes.

You did what was right by being honest. It's not anyone's fault if they don't feel the same way for someone.

After a breakup, it makes sense not to be really friendly with someone. They have to sort get used to the fact that you don't like them and that you two are not a couple anymore. They have romantic feelings but they are trying to sort out how to only be friends. It takes some time.

It's usually a good idea to stop talking for a while after a relationship ends, but that is only my opinion.

For you, you considered him a close friend this whole time so being friends with him is comfortable for you. But he liked you in a way more than just friends, so it's not as easy for him to just stop having other feelings for you and just be normal friends again.

Hopefully after a while you two can be friends again like before.

So you did the right thing, and he is just naturally reacting to the situation.

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In response to your "maybe one day I'll meet someone else who's on the ace spectrum and we can share a platonic sort of bond", if someone was Gray-sexual or even ace you'd still have the same problems. Someone being sexual also doesn't mean you can't have a platonic or queerplatonic relationship with them. From what you said the issue seems to be with romance not sex. Also, by the ending of that quote it sounds like you're confusing asexuality/Gray-sexuality for aromanticism. On that note, maybe you are also an aromantic with squishes and not crushes, or a Gray-romantic in the sense that you desire a low key romantic relationship (i.e. hyporomantic). Even if someone was Gray-romantic you'd still have the same problems. You'd need another hyporomantic. And despite aromantic/asexual spectrum's common use it's actually inaccurate and has ended up causing quite a mess, so it really needs to be replaced; possibly with subromantic/subsexual spectrum.

Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc.

Platonic attraction - (aka a friend crush or squish; a play on the romantic word crush) the impulse to further know or befriend someone specific. The desired bond can vary from being friends, to close friends, to best friends. It may include nervousness or admirance, and once the desired bond is reached the squish goes away.

And no offence, but your ex's reaction is normal; that's what happens with most people and why some people choose to opt out of dating because they don't want it ruining their friendship. Most people who date don't keep that person as a friend afterwards, and not because they don't want to but that it just can't work at all anymore.

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No offense but this is why people really should not be friends with exes ... Once you cross that threshold into romantic relationship there's no going back. Its literally the same thing as the first time one is intimate with someone, you can't go back to being a virgin after that.

Like I had a dude break up with ME and then request to be friends afterward and turn out to be a total prick. Don't be friends with exes guys ...

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Prufrock, but like, worse

No offense but this is why people really should not be friends with exes ... Once you cross that threshold into romantic relationship there's no going back. Its literally the same thing as the first time one is intimate with someone, you can't go back to being a virgin after that.

Like I had a dude break up with ME and then request to be friends afterward and turn out to be a total prick. Don't be friends with exes guys ...

I suddenly have an odd urge to enter a relationship, break up, and become friends again just to prove this common wisdom wrong. Individuals are individuals. But what do I know....

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Maybe it was a squish from the start. I really don't know anymore.

I guess I understand how a relationship can't end with the two individuals remaining friends. But at the same time I don't because my partner said to me from the day our relationship gained the official title or whatever that I could end it whenever I felt like it. And many times during the relationship, he said I was one of the best friends he's ever had and he would always be a friend to me.

Maybe we just didn't feel the same way about each other, and I misunderstood. Or maybe when he said I could end it whenever I felt like it, he said it without thinking it would ever actually happen.

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What people think and what actually ends up happening can be two different things. It turns out his ideals didn't hold true in reality. Live and learn.

Sounds similar to how Christopher Drew from Nevershoutnever used to be (e.g. link). He used to make this "every girl is beautiful" music (but he sang it genuinely so that's why i liked it) and then finally woke up that it wasn't reality and that he was just spouting people pleaser nonsense without realizing he was lying to others and himself. It's kinda like a little kid saying "i love you" to strangers and then later comprehending the words and realizing he never meant it and only continued to do so because of the positive reinforcement which was causing the happiness and not those specifically expressed words. That may make him sound childish, but when the taught words are "we can be forever" and "every girl is beautiful" it's less obvious. He even pulled a 180 and did some screamo music on a side project called Eatmewhileimhot (eat-me-while-i'm-hot) a few years prior to his "reformation". (one of them's quite sad and is about a friend of his who committed suicide; link)

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I've been in that similar situation with my current partner. We had like a 1/2 months break 2 years ago. Time flies.

He was very aloof after the breakup. We still hanged out but it felt like he didn't want to be there but he said he wanted to be there. Well, it didn't work out. He said he had to guard himself from feeling hurt again. Being mushy and all that sort of took him back to where we were before the breakup. So, he would feel as though he was being given false hope like we could be a thing again.

I know what you want. I also wanted to keep that closeness but to my partner that level of closeness was a part of being in a romantic relationship. It's a package deal. It wouldn't make sense for your partner to treat you like they did before but not be in a romantic relationship with you. I missed being close so much that I decided to get back into a relationship with him but I asked him to be more flexible on what our relationship should be instead of a very traditional romantic relationship. 2 years later. Still together.

You have to ask yourself what you really want. It's not fair to him to provide you with that romantic level closeness while being friends. To you that closeness is "being friends" but that's "romantic closeness" to him. Either cut him off (at least for the time being) or get back with him.

Oh and don't ask someone, who has romantic feelings for you, to be in a queer platonic relationship with you. It's not moral. You would be just using them to get the level of closeness that you want but not giving them what they want in return. You have to be realistic here. If you want deep emotional bond with someone who has romantic feelings for you and wants a romantic relationship with you, you either stay friends without that bond or you get into a romantic relationship with them.

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No offense but this is why people really should not be friends with exes ... Once you cross that threshold into romantic relationship there's no going back. Its literally the same thing as the first time one is intimate with someone, you can't go back to being a virgin after that.

Like I had a dude break up with ME and then request to be friends afterward and turn out to be a total prick. Don't be friends with exes guys ...

I've been on friendly terms with all of my exes... it isn't impossible. Never even been difficult for me. Both people have to want it, though.

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No offense but this is why people really should not be friends with exes ... Once you cross that threshold into romantic relationship there's no going back. Its literally the same thing as the first time one is intimate with someone, you can't go back to being a virgin after that.

Like I had a dude break up with ME and then request to be friends afterward and turn out to be a total prick. Don't be friends with exes guys ...

Your one experience does not make a whole world.

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