Starting transition in grad school--Advice?

[Rojatta]

First, a little background: I am a week away from starting grad school in an allied health profession. I identify as some variety of non-binary and I really wanted to change my presentation over the summer to be a bit more androgynous, but I couldn't manage to work through the layers and layers of shame in time to get something done before school started. I currently present as very feminine (short and pear-shaped with long hair), and I feel like a fraud when I try to wear more masculine clothing (possibly thanks to years of parental brainwashing). I originally only wanted top surgery because my dysphoria is mostly physical, but lately it feels bad when terms like "lady," "woman," or "ma'am" are used in reference to me and I'm starting to consider low-dose hormones. In sum, all this stuff that I've been burying for a long time is picking a really horrible time to boil over uncontrollably, which leads me to my question(s)...

How does one go about transitioning in a clinical program like that? Can it be done? Would I talk to my supervisor about it... and what if he said no? I'll be working primarily with older adults with brain injuries/diseases. What would I do if they felt uncomfortable working with me? Etc.

My mom thought I was a lesbian in high school and drilled in the message pretty hard that I needed to look and act a certain way or people might suspect something. She insisted that my career prospects and potential friendships would be ruined if anyone ever found out. I'm terrified of breaking the status quo, but also desperate to relieve some of this discomfort.

I think these issues can probably be generalized to anyone's experience with starting transition as an adult (particularly a socially anxious one), so any comments or advice would be much appreciated!

[dissolved]

I'm a 30 year old trans guy and just started testosterone last week, but I've been "socially" transitioned for a while now. I'm also due to have top surgery in September, all being well. I'm currently doing a PhD in genetics and I also teach undergrads part time and do general researcher dogsbody type stuff.

So far, I've told most of my research team, the lecturers and demonstrators I work closely with, and all have been absolutely fine with it. I didn't spend too long trying to explain, just "I'm transgender and I'm starting to transition to male now. It's not on a whim, I've been thinking about this for 25 years, and I'd appreciate it if you start calling me [male name] and respect me by using male pronouns" etc etc and give them the opportunity to ask any questions (no one has). Most just nod and mmmhmm and then we continue talking about science, so it's clearly no big deal. As long as you explain yourself, as simply as possible, there don't seem to be too many issues.

I would suggest talking to your supervisor first, and unless he's a complete tool, he's not going to say no. Plus, it's not really his decision, right?

Also, all due respect but your mother is full of crap. In my experience, the people that are close to you only get closer once they realise you've felt like you've had to hide the "real" you in order to get along in the world, and once they see you becoming more comfortable in your own skin, they generally warm to you even more. There are exceptions to this of course, and some people will be really shitty to you. Best to get them out of your life as quickly as possible if that's the case. There'll also be people who think it's a choice (having gender issues I mean - technically transitioning is a choice although it doesn't exactly feel like it) or a mental illness or whatever and again, just get them out of your life if you can, or interact with them as little as possible.

If you have any specific questions, let me know.

[Larkynn]

First off, congrats on getting into grad school! I'm 2 weeks from starting my foray into grad school as well.

I've started moving into a more androgynous appearance this past year as it makes me feel more like myself. Originally whenever I wore masculine clothing I also felt fraudish, like A+B did not equal C, but that changed when I cut off my hair. So if you are thinking about cutting your hair shorter, I would go for it (but only if you want to). When I went, I had a long talk with the stylist and she was very understanding and it really helped me out. After I did my hair, I had more confidence on wearing men's clothing which projected into my overall life. At least, I think it did.

I would talk to your supervisor as he is suppose to help you be comfortable in your field. I hope he is understanding but in reality it is your choice to transition and everyone should be supportive of that. If friendships crumble due to you making your outside match your inside, then they weren't the strong friendships you need. You will find people who are supportive of who you are. You do not need negativity in your life holding you back.

I'm not sure how older the older adults you will be working with, if they are geriatric patients or not, but either way let them ask questions and answers them to the best of your ability. Also it might be good to have a colleague on stand-by to take over your patients if they feel uncomfortable, but I'm sure as long as your care is on par then you will have patients that will love you no matter what.

It will be difficult at times to break the status quo but in my honest opinion, status quos suck. Break them! You will find the career and the people who will work for you.

I might not be the best person for this topic (example: my dysphoria is very mild) but hope something in my rambling has helped you. I can honestly say you have at least one supporter and if you need to rant, talk, relive some anxiety on someone: PM me. I know you can do this!

[Heart]

I know it's tempting to discard your mother's advice as out-of-hand, but I want to speak to that for a moment. It really does depend; she may have grown up in a time and place that was far less accepting, so she would have had to hide behaviours associated with being queer in order to pursue a career and not be discriminated against. It may be that when and where she grew up, the advice she is giving you is legitimate and serious. That does not necessarily mean that it applies to now and wherever you're going to school.

The other option to consider is that there are in fact areas of the world where discrimination against gender non-conforming people is still (unfortunately) rampant. So perhaps her advice really is gold. I don't know, and it's impossible for me to know without knowing you and her and your specific local culture (which of course I don't and never will :P ).

Ultimately, it's all up to you. No one should ever make you feel like you are being forced to be out, but also no one should ever make you feel like you're forced to stay in the closet. Spend some time asking yourself how you feel and what would make you comfortable. Sometimes it's easiest to come out to your colleagues first, instead of professors or your supervisor. Do whatever you need to do on your own timeline.

[Mezzo Forte]

Congrats on starting your graduate studies! Honestly, so long as your clothes are the appropriate level of formality, the masculinity/femininity of the clothes shouldn't matter. (My twin had a particularly sexist professor in her business masters that claimed that she was dressed unprofessionally because she was wearing slacks instead of a skirt. That professor got fired pretty quickly because he had so many complaints filed against him. Still, you're not doing a business degree, so the chances of you dealing with something like that is even less likely.)

You don't need to discuss your transition with anyone other than the medical/psychological professionals who are assisting you, even while you're medically transitioning. If you would like socially transition though, that requires some degree of coming out to whoever you want to recognize you as your gender.

I'm starting my second year of my second master's program, and I just started HRT in April, so the people who haven't seen me since then are going to be in for a surprise. :lol: (In fact, my assistantship covers healthcare and my university's healthcare center does HRT, so I'm actually transitioning with the assistance of my university.)

Still, I've been wearing mostly men's clothes for years and beyond one or two small "no dress?" comments, nobody ever (openly) took issue with my presentation to my knowledge. My situation might be a little different than yours because I did my undergrad at the same university I'm at now, so I've been working closely with some of the same faculty for as long as 5+ years now. None of my colleages or professors know yet, but with something like music, the conversation might be inevitable, especially if I need to sing at all while my voice is cracking like it is. I have run into the occasional colleague throughout the summer, and a few of them claimed that they didn't recognize me at first, but they could be attributing that to my haircut for all I know.

Regardless, when and how you approach transition is ultimately your choice, and you certainly don't need the permission of your supervisor to go through with what you need to do! If it helps, you can always start with counseling, a universities usually offer it for free, and in my university's case, they were actually able to write my letter to start up HRT, saving me from dealing with exorbitant therapy costs. Getting started on HRT can be a slow process (it was unusually fast for me, as I got my first shot 1.5 months after I started counseling), and HRT's effects come even slower than that, especially at a low dose, so honestly, transitioning while in a more temporary situation like grad school might be the ideal time to just go for it! Regardless, best of luck with your studies and your transition!

[Rojatta]

Thanks for the helpful thoughts and suggestions. Good luck to you with studies and transition.

Larkynn, it's nice to hear I'm not the only one who feels/felt weird in masculine clothing. I always worry that if it doesn't feel right then it must not be what I really want, but maybe it just feels that way because it's different from what I've been doing for the last 20+ years. Maybe cutting my hair would help too, I don't know. I've been thinking about cutting it for a while, but I'm not quite there yet. Good luck with starting your program!

I guess I'll see how it goes. Every time I'm in a new situation like this it's a chance to be myself without anyone having preconceived notions about what that entails, but I always get nervous and revert to what I'm used to and what I know won't make waves. In reality, I'm quite sure people aren't scrutinizing my clothing, etc. as long as it's all appropriate for the occasion. Guess I'd better start working on my wardrobe :)

[ChillaKilla]

I'm a 30 year old trans guy and just started testosterone last week, but I've been "socially" transitioned for a while now. I'm also due to have top surgery in September, all being well. I'm currently doing a PhD in genetics and I also teach undergrads part time and do general researcher dogsbody type stuff.

So far, I've told most of my research team, the lecturers and demonstrators I work closely with, and all have been absolutely fine with it. I didn't spend too long trying to explain, just "I'm transgender and I'm starting to transition to male now. It's not on a whim, I've been thinking about this for 25 years, and I'd appreciate it if you start calling me [male name] and respect me by using male pronouns" etc etc and give them the opportunity to ask any questions (no one has). Most just nod and mmmhmm and then we continue talking about science, so it's clearly no big deal. As long as you explain yourself, as simply as possible, there don't seem to be too many issues.

I would suggest talking to your supervisor first, and unless he's a complete tool, he's not going to say no. Plus, it's not really his decision, right?

Also, all due respect but your mother is full of crap. In my experience, the people that are close to you only get closer once they realise you've felt like you've had to hide the "real" you in order to get along in the world, and once they see you becoming more comfortable in your own skin, they generally warm to you even more. There are exceptions to this of course, and some people will be really shitty to you. Best to get them out of your life as quickly as possible if that's the case. There'll also be people who think it's a choice (having gender issues I mean - technically transitioning is a choice although it doesn't exactly feel like it) or a mental illness or whatever and again, just get them out of your life if you can, or interact with them as little as possible.

If you have any specific questions, let me know.

YOU'RE THIRTY?!

*fetus intensifies*