How to help a guy out

[DatingAnAceGuy]

I've been dating an asexual guy for just over 3 months now and last weekend he asked if I wanted to try having sex with him.

At the time (for personal reasons) I told him I was not ready yet and why, but I told him that any other time I would be more than willing to give it a try.

In the past he says that he hasn't been able to get aroused when women have attempted to have sex with him, and has then broken up with them out of embarrassment. I can tell it really bothers him that things "just won't work" and I kind of want to help him out and find a way to kind of make things work.

Any advice? Should I take things slow? Should I start with something like, just exploring each others bodies first; with no expectation of sex?

I'm a little worried that he's putting too much pressure on himself to "perform". Do you think it would help if I showed him some alternatives to being able to "please" me without actually having sex before we just into having sex?

Thanks!

[scarletlatitude]

I think it would be a good idea to try some other techniques. He may be feeling like he has to do sex in a certain way for it to be real, when really as long as you are both happy it doesn't matter how it's done.

[nanogretchen4]

If he has performance anxiety I would just leave piv out of the picture for the foreseeable future. I would also phrase things differently with him, for example not saying that you're "not actually having sex" if you do different sexual activities. Try not to create the impression that piv is the ultimate goal.

[sir octepus tea]

-does he really want to do it or does he just feel societal pressure to? (either to try it or libido or he feels that kind of tension between you two?)

-more importantly, how do you feel about doing the do with him?

speaking as a repulsed person, I'd say it's better to wait until both of you feel completely ready and at ease with it. Try keeping it nonsexual and see how it goes from there. Maybe try some nonsexual but intimate activites meanwhile, like bathing together, cuddling, going stargazing, sharing stories of your lives etc.

If both of you are okay with it, polyamory may be an option, if you need to do the do and he can't/doesn't want to.

[DatingAnAceGuy]

I'm not sure why he felt the pressure to perform or to have sex. I never asked him. It certainly wasn't coming from my end. I rarely get an orgasim from penatrative sex, so there were other options on the table and he still decided sex was important.

Personally, I do enjoy sex with someone I am emotionally connected to. We've been together long enough that I certainly am willing to explore and try things as long as he is.

Since this post, we have actually managed to have sex LOL. He offered again, I asked "are you sure?" and after confirmation he was sure, we progressed ahead. Afterwards he seemed pretty happy with himself. It's the first time he's been able to get aroused enough for sex to work.

I have noticed that there are signs that could point to a potential hormone difficiency. Though I understand some people on the forum may feel like I am "trying to change him", if it is a hormone difficiency; it can lead to other health problems (more than just lack of sex drive and problems with sexual performance). I've encouraged him to speak to a doctor.

In my own life, a low thyroid contributed to my lack of sex drive when I was in college and with meds I haven't had an "difficulties" in that area since.

As for polygamoury, right off the start of the relationship he set guidelines and said he wasn't comfortable with that type of arrangement and that if I did want to seek someone for "other stuff" I should break up with him and save us both some trouble.

[DatingAnAceGuy]

And to be honest, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with a poly relationship either. Being technically Grey-asexual and needing an emotional connection for sex to work, it would not be fair to him for me to seek out an emotional connection with someone else just to be able to have sex.