My Dad

[Starry Sky]

To post in Gender or T&S? Starry does not know but prefers to not make topics in T&S and thus Gender it is. Prepare for jumbled up incoherence.

It hurts to know my dad isn't truly accepting of this whole, uh, trans thing. I never really put much thought into it because I wanted to believe that he's cool with it but he shows that he isn't all that ok with it. If there's one thing in the world my dad would never give up, it would be his baby girl. While he has done some supportive things such as shopping with me in the men's section, he hasn't much demonstrated nor even said anything of acceptance.

He seemed very bothered and disappointed back when I came out. If I recall correctly, when I tried to come out as agender and asexual, the only thing he said was that we should get my hormones checked because there could be something wrong in regards to me being asexual. <__< The whole time I was talking, he did the thing he does when he really doesn't want to hear it where he stares at the ceiling as if he's in deep thought and ignoring you. He says that he has no problem with LGBT+ people. Which is the truth. When that person is his child, though, it's different. He says "whatever" and brushes it aside whenever anything to do with gender comes up. He emphasizes and tries to nail into me that I'm a woman *shudders* No, I'm noooot! : ( He really seems to be trying to ignore this as if it'll end up only being a phase and will go away eventually. I understand that he could also just be worried about the things I could face and doesn't want that for me. Part of me feels like it's more than that and 'losing his daughter' though.

Things have moved along since I initially came out and I'm pretty sure I'm making it clear that agender isn't the case anymore. At least it seems like my family has picked up on that. My mom even asked and I guess I came out again? Her and my brother have been trying to call me 'he' and use the masculine form of words since then. I've been changing lot. I ended that stage of trying to be super girly in an attempt to accept being a girl, went back to being my normal self for a very short while, and am now trying to act and dress as guy-like as possible. Not that I want to all that much. I'd love to be able to wear earrings, bracelets, flowery things, cute boots etc. and not always act so cold and blasé without automatically being pinned a girl by everyone. If I passed as male, I'd be myself but for now I don't therefore I feel the need to make up for that. I do whatever I can to get people to see me as male. When I succeed in that endeavor, it makes my entire day. <3 Maybe he doesn't like that about me. I seem to have changed too much and am trying too hard to be a guy.

He deals with it and I deal with him... I know that sounds bad It really does irk me that he does things to deny my gender. Until recently, I've just accepted the stuff he does that bothers me. I shouldn't complain about it. I feel like such a burden that I don't want to ask anything of anyone for the sake of my own comfort. Am I expecting too much? Am I interpreting this as worse than it actually is? I know it could be a whole lot worse. My dad still takes it way better than I know other parents have. He tries to call me by the name I chose. What more could I ask? I feel like I've already asked too much of my family with just that. This is hard on all of us I'm sure.

My mom on the other hand is very supportive. Wow. I'm really thankful for how supportive and sensitive she's been towards all of this. She still says some things that get to me but I don't think she means any harm by them. Well, I don't think my dad means any harm either but it's different. I'm not really sure of the words to explain it. The things my mom says are more naive I guess. She's really upset by my dad and harps a lot on him for how he acts about this situation. Thinking about all this so much makes me realize even more that I really very much likely am trans. Ok, I am... I think. Gah, I can't say it without implying some sort of 'maybe'. I don't want to end up being wrong ._. Anyway, I keep breaking down over the thought that my dad doesn't want me as his son. I'm sure he'll come around in the future but... Ugh :'(

[NerotheReaper]

While it may be easy to support the LGBT+ community from the outside, sometimes when a child is apart of the group parents have a harder time. Since it is so close to home, but you are really fortunate for the amount of love they are giving you. Sadly a lot of kids are disowned and abused for things like this. Your dad is already pretty progressive, just keep showing this is who you are and in time he hopefully will be fully understanding.

[butterflydreams]

While it may be easy to support the LGBT+ community from the outside, sometimes when a child is apart of the group parents have a harder time. Since it is so close to home, but you are really fortunate for the amount of love they are giving you. Sadly a lot of kids are disowned and abused for things like this. Your dad is already pretty progressive, just keep showing this is who you are and in time he hopefully will be fully understanding.

I agree with this. Your dad does sound pretty cool, and I suspect that he will get better. He definitely seems open to it, even if right at this very minute there is some hesitation. I think that's actually pretty natural.

Because he does seem so open to it, I think if you just keep doing you, and he sees how happy you are, that'll help convince him. For some parents (my own) even that isn't enough, but I think it's really powerful to see your child happy and healthy, especially if you have hesitations or doubts (which aren't inherently bad).

Friends and family have to undergo their own transition of sorts in this process. They have to realize how they had seen you before isn't correct. For some people dropping that old view can be hard. It doesn't mean they don't care about you, they're just going through their own transition. I think it's really important to keep showing those people who you are (something that can be hard for trans people, especially at first). I know I was really afraid to show my true self to people, especially the closer they were to me. I apologized to my brother so much, "I'm so sorry your older brother is such a freak". And I was so hesitant to visit my friend as myself a few months ago. I felt bad for drawing attention to us (all in my head fortunately...apparently I pass better than I think I do). But all that gets better, and you become more comfortable showing your true self, and people really pick up on that.

[Starry Sky]

Thank you both. You totally got it right, my dad is a pretty great guy. I am very grateful to have parents who are respectul of me. Even more so that I haven't been kicked out or abused and such either. Very fortunate indeed. I guess maybe because I'm so lucky that my mom and brother are as supportive as possible, I was hoping that my dad would be the same. That's unrealistic of me to think since he is really stubborn. I would really like for him to stop making teasing remarks about it, though. He does acknowledge it and apologizes since he teased my brother and I a lot growing up and still does it. I guess it's just a him thing to do : P Things have been bothering me a lot easier lately so I have been taking things harder than I should. I'll just give it time then. Thanks again :Cake:

[Heart]

*hugs*

[Nylocke]

Dang, you're a much braver person then me. I won't even try to come out to my family ... Then again when your family are conservative christians anything that isn't cishet is kinda a problem x_x Like even today my brother was telling me that a nursing home patient that he takes care of introduced the grandchildren and one of them was a transgirl(MtF). He thought it was "disgusting" that they are starting that so young. I didn't know one could "start something" while being "so young". Surely if you're born that way, then that's just the way it is and I'm sure no child in the right mind would risk getting made fun of and bullied over something that was merely "small beans". He's so butthurt that he complained to me about a "lesbian" that was sitting down at the bench and told me to "not sit with her" because I "look like one of them and they go for my type" ... So much anal retention until I don't know what to do @_@ And yes that's just my brother, my parents ... ohhhh I don't even know where to start <,< >,> I know my dad wouldn't acknowledge squat because that's the way he rolls and my mom would think its demonic and probably blame my involvement in anime or something ...

You, I have hope for though Sky. At least your mom AND your brother are accepting so your dad is bound to come around sometime. One thing they always say is that while one has a hard time working out their feelings within themselves it takes just as long with the family if not longer because they have to work out those feelings too.

[M&M2014]

This actually sounds a lot like my family situation! I initially came out as asexual and then agender... My dad said about me being not ready to feel sexual attraction and not being able to know (I was 18 so that wasn't true). He brushed off the gender thing in the beginning since along with agender I was also saying I was demigirl (now I know this is because I basically assumed since I presented feminine for so long that I must be feminine). (At this point he also was mad about me having a partner who was female).

But then I went from demigirl/agender to just agender and now I actually would say I am transmasculine agender. We have had tons of fights in my family because I am my dad's forever little, baby girl, and my dad and I both have bad tempers so when he does something such as purposely use she/her pronouns or doesn't say my preferred name (Which is just a nickname he has sometimes called me anyway so when he does use it, it isnt because I prefer it) it gets very bad.

He has said he has no problem with lgbt+ people except in his family (I was "banned" from joining gsa in HS when I still identified as heterosexual and cisgendered for fear of people thinking I was lgbt+ so I joined without him knowing in college and then he accepted it (becoming vp made him very mad but he then accepted that too).

And sometimes I think he was making progress such as purposely avoiding getting me feminine gifts or shopping in men's sections with me but later on we end up screaming...

Today though I had some sort of breakthrough. I had been looking for an apartment because both my mom and dad (my mom has been easier to talk to about gender although still doesn't have the reactions/ responses I hope for) thought it was time for me to move out. Then my dad out of the blue said I can stay home as long as I want so I can focus on school. He tried to say this part without me hearing but he said "I accept you for who you are" and just told me to try to tone it down (in terms of talking and arguing about my gender- which I can understand since I get obsessive). And he said he will try not to say she/her. I couldn't believe it- I was so happy and my mom was shocked too! My brother who is the most accepting member of my family also was happy.

I still need to see how this plays out but it seems like we are getting there. I really hope it gets better with your dad too.

Throughout all of this I never stopped realizing how lucky I am that I was never forced out of my home and that my dad and I have kept a nice relationship :-) I love him and my whole family so much!

[Scout the Supreme Overlord]

OHMYGOSH STARRY I'M SO SORRY THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE *VIOLENTLY AIR HUGS*

And I TOTALLY understand what you mean about dressing "boyishly." It sucks. The thing I tell myself is that I am learning how to create a better life for my child. I cry sometimes when I think about how I'm going to raise them because I want that kind of support so badly.

If it makes you feel any better, the first thing I thought when I saw one of your videos was "Wow dang he's cute." Because you really are pretty handsome. (and talented!) I'm so proud of you for coming into your own and standing up for yourself on this. It takes guts. *kittens*