Jump to content

Can an asexual learn to like sex?


Recommended Posts

My feeling is no. Following my other post about feeling guilty for making my husband have sex is this situation.

From what he said he is an asexual who can have some limited enjoyment in the feeling of sex but doesn't want to do it again and doesn't feel sexual attraction of any kind towards anyone.

He is proposing that before we separate amicably that I "teach" him about sex, foreplay, intimacy and see if he can learn to enjoy it and have it frequently.

I feel like he's just torturing himself trying to be something he's not and prolonging the agony of separating because he doesn't want to lose me.

We love each other very, very much but a close friendship and coparenting relationship sounds like our best option.

All advice and opinions welcome, I'd like to spare him the heartache if this can't be done.

I posted this in the sexual forum but realised I might get more insight here, I hope you don't mind.

Link to post
Share on other sites

One of the biggest misconceptions about asexuality and the asex umbrella is that we are all some big sex repulsed folks. Big fat lie. We have asexual spectrum folks who live in the adult industry and have fetishes :P We also have asexual spectrum folks who are strippers, are sexologists, among other things. Everyone has different feelings in this community.

You can't "make" anyone like anything. This goes for ANY activity. However, you can expose them to different things (in your case: bondage, sexy outfits, roleplaying, other things to "dip" your toes in) and see if they end up really liking something.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My opinion, he could learn to enjoy it for the closeness and bonding, and to see you enjoy it. You could try the teaching thing, what have you got to lose? But for him to enjoy it and desire it like a sexual person, might be unlikely. Good luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites
NerotheReaper

I would recommend dipping your toe around, by this I mean try bondage, or maybe involve food in the act. See if you guys can find something that will interest, and you both like. Since just straight up having sex is not going to work for either of you, one you not enjoying it and your partner will probably sense it. In the end making you both unhappy, so to avoid this issue try different things to enrich the experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites

OK, so, if I try to teach him about different positions and foreplay and so on its unlikely to work unless I can find a kink he's into? So far he's never expressed an interest in anything I can think of but maybe we can have a search together and explore some options, we might find something he likes. Can you suggest any other things we could explore (bondage and anything pain based is out for me due to a traumatic past) I'd really appreciate your help.

Link to post
Share on other sites
cavalier080854

Unlike females, a man has to get it up. The penis is the biggest lie detector. If you don't want sex forget it. If you want sex and you still cannot get it up forget it. Friction, could be. But, in the case for myself, forget it. No female is going to wait that long (2 hours). BDSM, forget it, not even remotely interested. Try that with me and you will never see me again. Sexual power dynamics don't do a thing for me, I respect my body and others too much. I'm a life long pacifist since I left the army (I've seen too much to want to increase the misery anymore).

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd say give it a try, maybe with the help of a sexologist that might give you ideas to get him aroused or something? sometimes it's nice to have the support of a professional when it comes to problems in a relationship and sex too (why not?), just make sure to find one that will be open to the idea that he's asexual and not think that he just has a hormonal/psychological problem (which could be the case for some people, but I guess by definition "a problem" is something that brings stress into someone's life and if he's fine with his lack of interest in sex then he doesn't need to worry about a "professional" giving him any stress over that) if it doesn't work you could still separate nicely knowing that you tried to make things work and understand that staying friends can still be nice... hope I helped (:

Link to post
Share on other sites

My Husband has been trying really hard to please me but I can't enjoy it properly knowing he's not into it. I'm the problem!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Personally, I've always been fairly sensual, if not always sexual. I've always liked the concept of sensate focus. There's a general overview here and a more in-depth look at it here. The basic gist is to find sensual pleasure in each other's bodies without it having to be genital sex or orgasm. If either of you become so focused on what you can't give the other, you're repressing your own pleasure (which should, in the end, be the most important thing you can give the other). Explore each other's bodies without it having to be about intercourse or orgasm. The best way to discover what works is to make getting you off NOT be the point. Feeling like he has to please you, and that he's a failure if he doesn't, only gets in the way of his own pleasure (just because it's not sexual pleasure shouldn't invalidate it).

I think he's trying to explore the limits of what he can enjoy with someone he trusts. If it doesn't make things more painful for you, I think it could be helpful for him to have that experience. But he needs to be honest with himself about his motivations. Curiosity is fine; a desire to be more normalized, probably not.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheStarrySkai

I can't speak for your husband, but I'll say this:

Well, from my view point sex is an activity that bonds people, which is all very nice. Kinda like hugging and kissing, but a different type of bonding. Something like that is how I view sex. Sex is supposedly fun and great. I wouldn't know since I've never had sex.

I don't get the sexual attraction, but I do get the attraction part and I get the need for bonding. Seeing as sex is a form of bonding that is supposed to be fun an asexual person can probably learn to like sex.

Perhaps you can find different types of sexy bonding activities [idk what I said, but lets go with that]

I can't speak for everyone. I can barely speak for myself as I've never had sex, but thats what I think. Not sure if that made sense.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My Husband has been trying really hard to please me but I can't enjoy it properly knowing he's not into it. I'm the problem!

Neither of you are the problem. You're simply very different from each other, and it probably doesn't work for either of you to do something that isn't pleasant for either of you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it depends on the asexual person, honestly. Obviously, being asexual means that he won't be sexually attracted to a partner, and you can't really change that part. But beside the lack of sexual attraction, asexual people are really diverse. Some asexuals can enjoy sex and/or have it frequently without that attraction, while others can't.

I'd also echo what Sally said- neither of you is at fault here. It sounds like you guys just have different needs sexually. Sometimes that happens and no one is to blame for it :cake:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...