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Homoromantic ace here, feeling a bit hopeless


Slice of Ace

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Slice of Ace

Hi, AVEN,

I haven’t been here in a few months, because I thought I’d answered all my questions regarding my orientation and all that nonsense.

However, now another conundrum has presented itself. Since beginning to self-identify as a homoromantic asexual, I’ve felt longing for a romantic partner at some point down the line. Before going any further, let me clarify that I would be perfectly comfortable living my life and never being in a relationship.

That being said, it is an avenue that I would like to pursue. Unfortunately, fate has dealt me a poor hand when it comes to relationships. Not only would I be looking for a homosexual/homoromantic guy – which presents the usual gay-related problems – but I would need to find someone willing to compromise in terms of sex stuff. On top of all that, males are inherently more sexual than females (I apologise if that’s a misconception, but that’s how it seems). Therein lies my problem, and I often feel that the whole situation is completely hopeless.

Honestly, I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for in posting here, but any input would be welcome. I was thinking of identifying as gay, finding a guy I like, and then dealing with the whole asexuality malarkey. Does that seem at all logical? Do you think it’s possible to form a long-term, non-sexual, same-gendered relationship? Or am I just being a plonker, and overthinking this?

Short version: Male homo ace. Want boyfriend at some point. Seems hopeless. Help!

PS: Je voudrais savoir comment dire 'homoromantic asexual' en francais. J'aurais pensé que c'est 'asexuel homoromantique', mais je ne suis pas certain.

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I don't know that I can offer you any useful advice, but I can say that I'm in the same boat as you, though my situation is a bit different. I'm a homoromantic asexual who's totally sex repulsed. I'm almost 20, I've never "gone all the way" sexually (though I have been romantic & sexual with guys & older men in the past) & have virtually no desire to. It's a rough position to be in, because I'm totally boy crazy, I get intense crushes on cute guys all the time, & although I'm extremely picky, I fall in love quickly & easily.

I identify with Morrissey (from "The Smiths") a lot. I mention him because I noticed you're British. He was "celibate," & he never identified as asexual, but I've always suspected he might be a homo or biromantic asexual. The themes in his songs of loneliness & isolation, intense shyness (I'm a high-functioning autistic, so that really resonated with me), getting caught up on that one guy you fell in love with in the past, maybe a friend or acquaintance or something, a classmate, that passed you by, incapable of loving another.

Like I said before, I'm extremely picky. I save my love for special people, intense love connections, & I can't fool around with anyone I think might be less than that. Not that I won't, but I can't. Even though cuddling & light kissing are my primary forms of intimacy, I can get totally touch averse at the idea of sharing that with someone I'm not in love with. I think it could have something to do with my past. I've always fallen in love with people I couldn't be with, in the process settling for dating people I didn't love. Story of my life.

Long story short, I feel just as hopeless as you do. I feel like I'm too strange & screwed up, like my inhibitions combined with hostile circumstances will condemn me to a life of loneliness. I'm browsing asexual dating forums, considering joining. I thought this one looked interesting: http://www.asexualitic.com

Best of luck,

Aidan

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PS: Romantique de homo asexuée? Not sure. I've studied some German & French in the past, but we never covered how to correctly say the terms "homoromantic" or "asexual" in French, just "romantic" & "sexual," so my translation is approximate.

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Slice of Ace

I don't know that I can offer you any useful advice, but I can say that I'm in the same boat as you, though my situation is a bit different. I'm a homoromantic asexual who's totally sex repulsed. I'm almost 20, I've never "gone all the way" sexually (though I have been romantic & sexual with guys & older men in the past) & have virtually no desire to. It's a rough position to be in, because I'm totally boy crazy, I get intense crushes on cute guys all the time, & although I'm extremely picky, I fall in love quickly & easily.

I identify with Morrissey (from "The Smiths") a lot. I mention him because I noticed you're British. He was "celibate," & he never identified as asexual, but I've always suspected he might be a homo or biromantic asexual. The themes in his songs of loneliness & isolation, intense shyness (I'm a high-functioning autistic, so that really resonated with me), getting caught up on that one guy you fell in love with in the past, maybe a friend or acquaintance or something, a classmate, that passed you by, incapable of loving another.

Like I said before, I'm extremely picky. I save my love for special people, intense love connections, & I can't fool around with anyone I think might be less than that. Not that I won't, but I can't. Even though cuddling & light kissing are my primary forms of intimacy, I can get totally touch averse at the idea of sharing that with someone I'm not in love with. I think it could have something to do with my past. I've always fallen in love with people I couldn't be with, in the process settling for dating people I didn't love. Story of my life.

Long story short, I feel just as hopeless as you do. I feel like I'm too strange & screwed up, like my inhibitions combined with hostile circumstances will condemn me to a life of loneliness. I'm browsing asexual dating forums, considering joining. I thought this one looked interesting: http://www.asexualitic.com

Best of luck,

Aidan

Thanks for replying. Although I am British, I can't say that I listen to much British music. I will look him up if I get the chance though.

I could be sex repulsed; I'm not really sure. I don't think I could really say unless I was in that situation. I know I don't want sex, but whether it repulses me or not is a question I have yet to answer. Also, having never been in a relationship nor been intimate with anyone, this whole thing is so much more confusing.

If nothing else, your post has made me feel slightly less isolated. Oh, and thanks for the link. I'll keep that in mind.

PS: Romantique de homo asexuée? Not sure. I've studied some German & French in the past, but we never covered how to correctly say the terms "homoromantic" or "asexual" in French, just "romantic" & "sexual," so my translation is approximate.

Peut-etre. Si possible, je prefererais l'opinion d'un Francais de souche. Je vais vivre dans un pays francophone l'annee prochaine, et je voudrais eviter des situations genantes. (Desole pour le manque d'accents)

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Are you looking for an exclusive relationship? Many people around me (both sexual and ace) are currently in relationships with several people at the same time, getting different things from different partners.

For a polyamorous guy the absence of sex with you might not be a huge problem.

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Slice of Ace

Are you looking for an exclusive relationship? Many people around me (both sexual and ace) are currently in relationships with several people at the same time, getting different things from different partners.

For a polyamorous guy the absence of sex with you might not be a huge problem.

I had thought about that. I don't have a problem with polyamory as long as all parties are aware of the situation, so no problem there. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll definitely keep it in mind and, if I do meet a guy who is uncomfortable with abstinence from sexual activity, offer that as an alternative.

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OutsideObserver

I had thought about that. I don't have a problem with polyamory as long as all parties are aware of the situation, so no problem there. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll definitely keep it in mind and, if I do meet a guy who is uncomfortable with abstinence from sexual activity, offer that as an alternative.

Unwillingness to compromise at all sexually is going to cut your pool of compatible people down to essentially other Asexuals and a handful of corner cases you could spend years searching for. Polyamory certainly could improve that pool of people.

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Slice of Ace

Unwillingness to compromise at all sexually is going to cut your pool of compatible people down to essentially other Asexuals and a handful of corner cases you could spend years searching for. Polyamory certainly could improve that pool of people.

Hence the ever-present feeling of hopelessness. It is unfortunate that sex is such a fundamental part to a relationship and I find myself wishing, more than anything, that I were just homosexual... but I'm not. Obviously, it would be unfair of me to expect the other person to compromise without attempting the same myself. Thing is, I don't know how much sexual activity I would be comfortable with, if any. I suppose that's a bridge I'll have to cross when I come to it. Polyamory, whilst a perfectly viable alternative, could be difficult as I would always feel less wanted than the allosexual partner. Ugh, I don't know. Maybe this whole relationship business is a blasted waste of time.

Anyway, thanks for the responses everyone. I really appreciate it, and will take all of your advice to heart.

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I don't know that I can offer you any useful advice, but I can say that I'm in the same boat as you, though my situation is a bit different. I'm a homoromantic asexual who's totally sex repulsed. I'm almost 20, I've never "gone all the way" sexually (though I have been romantic & sexual with guys & older men in the past) & have virtually no desire to. It's a rough position to be in, because I'm totally boy crazy, I get intense crushes on cute guys all the time, & although I'm extremely picky, I fall in love quickly & easily.

I identify with Morrissey (from "The Smiths") a lot. I mention him because I noticed you're British. He was "celibate," & he never identified as asexual, but I've always suspected he might be a homo or biromantic asexual. The themes in his songs of loneliness & isolation, intense shyness (I'm a high-functioning autistic, so that really resonated with me), getting caught up on that one guy you fell in love with in the past, maybe a friend or acquaintance or something, a classmate, that passed you by, incapable of loving another.

Like I said before, I'm extremely picky. I save my love for special people, intense love connections, & I can't fool around with anyone I think might be less than that. Not that I won't, but I can't. Even though cuddling & light kissing are my primary forms of intimacy, I can get totally touch averse at the idea of sharing that with someone I'm not in love with. I think it could have something to do with my past. I've always fallen in love with people I couldn't be with, in the process settling for dating people I didn't love. Story of my life.

Long story short, I feel just as hopeless as you do. I feel like I'm too strange & screwed up, like my inhibitions combined with hostile circumstances will condemn me to a life of loneliness. I'm browsing asexual dating forums, considering joining. I thought this one looked interesting: http://www.asexualitic.com

Best of luck,

Aidan

I really feel you there-this is similar to how I feel about love. People ask me, "well why don't you give them a real chance and date them"? Difficult question. If I don't have an intense love crush on you, I won't date you. Simple as that. So, the crush precedes the dating. But in order to want to be sexual (I am also slightly sex-averse), I have to have this feeling for you. I would say that every single true sexual interaction I've had has been a intensely negative experience for me. Because I just wasn't the into it, and I felt embarrassed. I've also never had sex with someone I've had intense feelings for. I also fixate on one person for a long, long time. It's like I have this fantasy of them...something that prevents me from forging real connections, which very often, I cannot.

This makes dating really, really difficult. I can't just...make it happen. It's a totally random process. And, as I have recently discovered, I may actually love you and still not want to have sex with you. I can't win :/

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If it's any consolation, gay sexual people have difficulties finding partners too... https: //www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Wbyr9bOrZk

And also, it could be worse. You might have believed you were sexual, or straight even, and then wondered why every relationship felt odd and wrong. You might have lived in a country where there's no internet and hence not being able to seek up asexual people. I don't know you, but chances are you're not an arsehole, mentally ill, physically disabled, allergic to all kinds of animals, super shy and extremely picky at the same time, which makes it a bit easier.

If it's any consolation I'm feeling pretty hopeless too. So, yeah... We'll just have to find someone else to be hopeless with.

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I would think hard about what terms you might be able to compromise on. Would you be willing to do certain sexual acts but not others? What does a romantic relationship actually look like to you? How frequently would you be willing to have sex, if at all?

I also recommend getting involved in the the gay community, not specifically looking for a partner, but making friends. The gay bar and club scene can be intensely sexual and intimidating, but there are a range of other ways you can start interacting with other gay men, from gay sports teams, to volunteering at a local lgbt charity, to getting involved with your local pride organising committee. Making friends with other gay people will not only provide you with situations to meet gay men where there is little pressure to hook up, but it will also provide you with the opportunity to meet a lot more gay people in general.

You don't say where you are in the UK but most cities have a gay scene, even if t is small.

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ok I hear you. My situation is very similar to your, I'm a grey-sexual homoromantic. So I'm similar in what i want but I'm also fussy physically... which adds extra risk.. as others would tell me 'you can't afford to be fussy'..... but there you go.. I can't help it!

I'm gay first and foremost.. I'm very attracted to guys... I know that! I'd say Im sexually attracted but don't have desire for sexual activity... if that makes sense!

I describe myself as grey-sexual as firstly I'm only attracted to certain guys... but when I am attracted... I'm really attracted lol... but like i say I don't desire sex as an activity - although I enjoy sexual intimacy, nakedness, hugging, spooning, body contact!

Firstly there are guys out there who are sexual.... but not 'that' sexual, and they make good partners, many gay men don't like anal or even oral sex, and I find in myself I don't actually mind giving a hand job to please a partner etc.

But I would always communicate to any potential partner your situation... and if they stick around.. there worth it.

Also be open minded that you might be demi-sexual, and might develop sexual feelings once you've known someone for a while.

The key is to be honest, accept yourself, never do anything you don't want to, communication.... and that its ok to have or not have sexual feelings i.e. if you do have sexual feelings - don't freak out etc

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Hetrosexual asexual women and homosexual asexual men are in the SAME boat, we both are having problems finding good asexual men.

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TheStarrySkai

I know multiple gay guys that are fine without having sex.

I'm similar to @henpen82. I'm REALLY attracted to guys. My thoughts generally consist of wanting to stare at them a lot or possibly some hardcore cuddling.

Fun story:

So after being on testosterone [i'm trans] I've realized that I've had more "sexy" thoughts. By sexy thoughts I mean daydreams of sexual feels without the actual act of sex. Does that make sense??. I suppose this blurred the lines a bit though I'm still 100% indifferent when it comes to me and the act of the sex. I found it interesting that being on testosterone changed me (and other people) in this way.

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I feel exactly the same way about polyamory. Maybe it could work, but I tend to be the jealous type.

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butterflydreams

Unwillingness to compromise at all sexually is going to cut your pool of compatible people down to essentially other Asexuals and a handful of corner cases you could spend years searching for. Polyamory certainly could improve that pool of people.

Hence the ever-present feeling of hopelessness. It is unfortunate that sex is such a fundamental part to a relationship and I find myself wishing, more than anything, that I were just homosexual... but I'm not. Obviously, it would be unfair of me to expect the other person to compromise without attempting the same myself. Thing is, I don't know how much sexual activity I would be comfortable with, if any. I suppose that's a bridge I'll have to cross when I come to it. Polyamory, whilst a perfectly viable alternative, could be difficult as I would always feel less wanted than the allosexual partner. Ugh, I don't know. Maybe this whole relationship business is a blasted waste of time.

Anyway, thanks for the responses everyone. I really appreciate it, and will take all of your advice to heart.

For what it's worth, I feel exactly the same way. I don't know how much sexual activity I'm comfortable with either. And I find that the pressures and feelings of hopelessness push me to perhaps try to promise more than I can deliver. I just won't know in advance how sexual I might be able to be with someone. I feel like asexual women tend to be more visible, if not outright more common, but I've also found that while I'm sure I could date both men and women, there's more potential for my happiness with a guy.

The only real advice I can offer is please don't compromise on yourself too much. It's ok to try to become comfortable with more, but if you just can't, that's ok too. Pushing yourself that far outside of your natural rhythm isn't going to help you in the long run. If you feel like you want to say no to something, say it. Err on the side of caution. The right people for you will respect you for it more, not less.

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Slice of Ace

Blimey. I'd thought everyone had said what they were going to say, and so I haven't been around here in a while. Boy was I wrong. I am constantly surprised by how nice everyone is on AVEN; it's a stark and welcome contrast to the rest of the internet.

Okay *deep breath*, this might take a while.

First, @Linn , thanks for that video. It does put things into perspective. Also, you make a good point that I am lucky to have discovered asexuality before pursuing a relationship. Given my complete lack of self esteem, I would absolutely feel that there was something wrong with me. It is comforting that I am not the only hopeless homoromantic person out there.

@henshin , I have, in fact, been considering in what ways I would be willing to compromise sexually. I think, if I did not have to actively participate (i.e. have an orgasm myself) and could still wear at least a modicum of clothing, I would be comfortable pleasing the other person (does that make sense?). Yeah, I live in a village, so there's no 'scene' of any sort unfortunately. Since I have only just recently come to terms with my orientation, I haven't yet had a chance to explore my university's gay community. I will definitely look into it in the next academic year though.

Also be open minded that you might be demi-sexual, and might develop sexual feelings once you've known someone for a while.

This would be ideal.

I know multiple gay guys that are fine without having sex.

I'm similar to @henpen82. I'm REALLY attracted to guys. My thoughts generally consist of wanting to stare at them a lot or possibly some hardcore cuddling.

Really?! I've only met one gay guy, so I have virtually no experience. However, knowing that there are gay guys that are fine without sex is a humungous relief. Yeah, I generally just find myself staring at attractive guys, and most of my fantasies involve cuddling, so I'm probably the same as you guys too.

@Hadley167 , That's the key, isn't it? A total lack of compromise on both sides of a relationship would never work, and yet too much compromising and you lose who you are. Here's hoping I can meet one of these elusive 'right people'.

Aaand I'm done. If I didn't seem to acknowledge something one of you said, or accidentally missed you out completely, know that I am immeasurably grateful for all of your responses. I did read everything, but I just didn't want to bury you all in a wall of text.

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butterflydreams

@Hadley167 , That's the key, isn't it? A total lack of compromise on both sides of a relationship would never work, and yet too much compromising and you lose who you are. Here's hoping I can meet one of these elusive 'right people'.

Mmm, you know, I'm sorry for using the "right person" cop out. I don't like it when people say that to me, because even if it's true, it doesn't help much. I know what it feels like to truly feel like there is no one at all, no right person, not even a wrong person out there for you.

I think when it comes down to it, other people aside, being true to yourself, and not compromising on what really matters is the best you can do. I've learned the hard way that it's too easy to sell yourself down the river for a little momentary comfort. It's not worth it.

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Naturecalls19

Hi, newly joined. Just wanted to say that people like you are out there. I feel the same way. But it is a lot more effort to find them. Just the way it is. The numbers are small and there are only so many places like this to find similar people. But don't give up hope. You are young and have a lot of life ahead of you to find someone. Maybe once you are established in life, you can afford to travel or pay for others who you find on here, to visit each other and make a connection. I hope to find someone I fit with as well, and just keep looking. It helps to have friends and family to enjoy life with while looking. Keeps me going.

Good luck.

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Naturecalls19

ok I hear you. My situation is very similar to your, I'm a grey-sexual homoromantic. So I'm similar in what i want but I'm also fussy physically... which adds extra risk.. as others would tell me 'you can't afford to be fussy'..... but there you go.. I can't help it!

I'm gay first and foremost.. I'm very attracted to guys... I know that! I'd say Im sexually attracted but don't have desire for sexual activity... if that makes sense!

I describe myself as grey-sexual as firstly I'm only attracted to certain guys... but when I am attracted... I'm really attracted lol... but like i say I don't desire sex as an activity - although I enjoy sexual intimacy, nakedness, hugging, spooning, body contact!

Firstly there are guys out there who are sexual.... but not 'that' sexual, and they make good partners, many gay men don't like anal or even oral sex, and I find in myself I don't actually mind giving a hand job to please a partner etc.

But I would always communicate to any potential partner your situation... and if they stick around.. there worth it.

Also be open minded that you might be demi-sexual, and might develop sexual feelings once you've known someone for a while.

The key is to be honest, accept yourself, never do anything you don't want to, communication.... and that its ok to have or not have sexual feelings i.e. if you do have sexual feelings - don't freak out etc

So kind of new to all this. Not sure I understand the difference between grey-sexual and demi-sexual. I will try to educate myself but if I could get your take that would be cool.

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