Asexuals Who Experience Sexual Attraction

[Fatima]

Am I alone in feeling this way? I experience sexual attraction to others, though not very often (I'm super picky), yet I am totally repulsed by sex and genitalia. Even though I do experience sexual attraction, I still identify as asexual, because I'm totally put off by the idea of sexual contact. My attractions are primarily emotional to begin with, but there is still an element of sexual attraction, albeit intensely diminished.

[dissolved]

You're not alone. There are plenty of folks here who do (but no doubt deny it). It's not the experiencing attraction that separates asexuals from sexual folk, but the desire to act upon it.

In the past I experienced attraction but it was never strong enough to act upon. That's changed for me in the past year though, so I'm actually happy to definitely not be asexual.

[Fatima]

You're not alone. There are plenty of folks here who do (but no doubt deny it). It's not the experiencing attraction that separates asexuals from sexual folk, but the desire to act upon it.

In the past I experienced attraction but it was never strong enough to act upon. That's changed for me in the past year though, so I'm actually happy to definitely not be asexual.

That's what I thought as well. I noticed some asexuals on other online forums were saying that, if one experiences sexual attraction, they can't be asexual, or are grey-A, which is to say, somewhere on the ace spectrum but closer to demisexual, which doesn't aptly describe my orientation at all. For me, the way I would determine whether or not someone's on the asexual spectrum broadly depends on one's lack of willingness to engage in sexual activity. I might experience bodily sexual attraction from time to time, but I'm way more into the idea of cuddling on the couch and watching a movie versus actually engaging in sexual activity, which seems almost alien to me.

[NerotheReaper]

Are you aesthetically attracted to someone, or are you confident in it being sexual attraction. Since I can think someone is attractive, but I don't always have the desire to have sex with them. While some asexuals can experience some sexual attraction to others, they are on the grey or demi end of the spectrum. Some people can only feel sexual attraction after a strong emotinal bond is formed, while others the attraction emerges quicker.

[Fatima]

Are you aesthetically attracted to someone, or are you confident in it being sexual attraction. Since I can think someone is attractive, but I don't always have the desire to have sex with them. While some asexuals can experience some sexual attraction to others, they are on the grey or demi end of the spectrum. Some people can only feel sexual attraction after a strong emotinal bond is formed, while others the attraction emerges quicker.

It's complex. For me, it's more than a mere aesthetic attraction, like how we might say, "he/she looks good" from an objective point of view, as opposed to an overt sexual attraction, but it's not overtly sexual either. It's somewhere in the middle. Basically, I might get a bit turned on by someone, but I have virtually no desire whatsoever to have sex with them, and am repulsed by genitalia, including theirs. Nevertheless, there is an element of sexual attraction, only nothing of a practically sexual nature comes of it.

[Snao Cone]

If you find people attractive in ways that are commonly sexualized, or generally associated with sex, that doesn't rule out asexuality. If you have no desire to actually have sex, even with those you find "sexy", then you are asexual.

I can drool over very, very attractive people. I could sit there and look at a naked person splayed out on my bed right in front of me and enjoy it; however, I would not be driven to engage in any direct sexual activity with that person. That is asexual.

[Fatima]

If you find people attractive in ways that are commonly sexualized, or generally associated with sex, that doesn't rule out asexuality. If you have no desire to actually have sex, even with those you find "sexy", then you are asexual.

I can drool over very, very attractive people. I could sit there and look at a naked person splayed out on my bed right in front of me and enjoy it; however, I would not be driven to engage in any direct sexual activity with that person. That is asexual.

That's exactly how I feel too. Thanks for the input and clarification, I feel more validated in my identifying as asexual. I think it definitely boils down to one's lack of desire to actively engage in sex, versus lack of sexual attraction to others.

[timewarp]

There are several, partially contradicting, definitions of asexuality. Van Houdenhove et al. ("Asexuality: A Multidimensional Approach", 2015) compared the criteria sexual attraction, lack of sexual behaviour, and self-identification, and found that only about a third of respondents were asexual according to all three of the definitions used in that study. When only looking at two of these criteria, the overlap between lack of sexual attraction and self-identification was the biggest with just under 60%.

[Éadweard]

No. Asexuals do NOT experience sexual attraction. That's actually the definition of it. And @dissolved don't tell me I'm denying something I don't feel.

[Éadweard]

This is EXACTLY what is wrong with this community and why others say we make up special terms just to get attention. Not wanting to have sex with someone is called not wanting to have sex with someone. Not wanting to have sex with someone because you are NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED to ****ANYONE**** is called asexuality.

[Snao Cone]

What exactly is your objection to this thread, Jughead?

[Sally]

The "sexual attraction" phrase is what trips most people up on trying to define asexuality. I go with the "not wanting to have sex with any other person" definition myself. It seems most clear and as inclusive as you can get with something as murky as this. It seems that definition would include you, OP.

[nanogretchen4]

Being sexually attracted to people but not wanting sex definitely has nothing to do with demisexuality. I have pretty much the opposite situation. I'm hardly ever attracted to anyone. On the rare occasions when there's someone I'm attracted to, I want to have sex. This is why I'm not wildly enthused about being placed on the graysexual spectrum.

[Guest]

This is EXACTLY what is wrong with this community and why others say we make up special terms just to get attention. Not wanting to have sex with someone is called not wanting to have sex with someone. Not wanting to have sex with someone because you are NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED to ****ANYONE**** is called asexuality.

Even sexuals can't agree on what sexual attraction IS though, and AVEN itself defines sexual attraction AS "the desire for sexual contact with someone else" (which isn't entirely correct as many sexual people desire sex with others *without* attraction needing to be involved, so they're two separate things that often go hand in hand for many people)

AVENs definition of sexual attraction though IS correct in that having no desire to connect sexually with others is what makes someone asexual. This whole "sexual attraction" dogma we have built here is nonsense.

Many, many asexuals experience "sexual attraction" but have literally no desire to connect sexually with anyone, ever, no matter how attractive they find that person (and that includes having a libido response *to* that person, with no desire to connect sexually regardless of what is happening in one's pants)

I experience sexual attraction more strongly than many sexual people experience it (after having talked with quite a few of them about it) BUT I have no desire to have anyone do anything to my genitals and get no pleasure out of it if they do (which no one ever will again) ..I'm not repulsed or anti-sex or anything, I just literally get nothing out of it and have no desire for it. I identify as grey-A for other reasons but there are many here like me (though not quite as perverted haha) who ID as asexual despite experiencing a form of sexual attraction (the type that isn't connected with a desire for sex, ever)

[butterflydreams]

I can drool over very, very attractive people. I could sit there and look at a naked person splayed out on my bed right in front of me and enjoy it; however, I would not be driven to engage in any direct sexual activity with that person. That is asexual.

I always found this weird and really hard to parse. Like, obviously I can find (and have found) people attractive. And with the way everyone talks, I thought, "well of course if I had some cutie naked in my bed, I'd be ecstatic." But that's not the truth. And to be honest, I'm glad it's never happened so far, because I would've felt like I had to do something I didn't want to do...and I probably would've done it :(

Nowadays though, I find myself trending more towards what dissolved was describing. At least, in theory. To the extent I become more comfortable with my body (gender), the more I see the appeal of certain things.

[Anime Pancake]

I think that "sexual attraction" is really a weird word and isn't really helpful (at least to me)

If you desire sex, you are probably sexual. If you are not interested in sex, you may be asexual. It's up to you to decide.

That's my opinion.

[Guest]

I can drool over very, very attractive people. I could sit there and look at a naked person splayed out on my bed right in front of me and enjoy it; however, I would not be driven to engage in any direct sexual activity with that person. That is asexual.

I always found this weird and really hard to parse. Like, obviously I can find (and have found) people attractive. And with the way everyone talks, I thought, "well of course if I had some cutie naked in my bed, I'd be ecstatic." But that's not the truth. And to be honest, I'm glad it's never happened so far, because I would've felt like I had to do something I didn't want to do...and I probably would've done it :(

That's the whole point of dating asexuals. You get the cute naked hottie in your bed but they don't expect (or want) you to do sexy things to/with them :P EPIC WIN!!

[NerotheReaper]

I can drool over very, very attractive people. I could sit there and look at a naked person splayed out on my bed right in front of me and enjoy it; however, I would not be driven to engage in any direct sexual activity with that person. That is asexual.

I always found this weird and really hard to parse. Like, obviously I can find (and have found) people attractive. And with the way everyone talks, I thought, "well of course if I had some cutie naked in my bed, I'd be ecstatic." But that's not the truth. And to be honest, I'm glad it's never happened so far, because I would've felt like I had to do something I didn't want to do...and I probably would've done it :(

That's the whole point of dating asexuals. You get the cute naked hottie in your bed but they don't expect (or want) you to do sexy things to/with them :P EPIC WIN!!

I love the way you phrased that :P

[Snao Cone]

I can drool over very, very attractive people. I could sit there and look at a naked person splayed out on my bed right in front of me and enjoy it; however, I would not be driven to engage in any direct sexual activity with that person. That is asexual.

I always found this weird and really hard to parse. Like, obviously I can find (and have found) people attractive. And with the way everyone talks, I thought, "well of course if I had some cutie naked in my bed, I'd be ecstatic." But that's not the truth. And to be honest, I'm glad it's never happened so far, because I would've felt like I had to do something I didn't want to do...and I probably would've done it :(

I have been in this situation and done things that turned out to be very disappointing. It was a learning experience, at least.

[butterflydreams]

I can drool over very, very attractive people. I could sit there and look at a naked person splayed out on my bed right in front of me and enjoy it; however, I would not be driven to engage in any direct sexual activity with that person. That is asexual.

I always found this weird and really hard to parse. Like, obviously I can find (and have found) people attractive. And with the way everyone talks, I thought, "well of course if I had some cutie naked in my bed, I'd be ecstatic." But that's not the truth. And to be honest, I'm glad it's never happened so far, because I would've felt like I had to do something I didn't want to do...and I probably would've done it :(

I have been in this situation and done things that turned out to be very disappointing. It was a learning experience, at least.

Yeah, I look at it now with the better knowledge I have and feel as though I really dodged a bullet. I know there are a few people in my life who'd like to say, "oh you're only asexual because you've never gotten laid" but the truth is, had I done something like that, asexuality would've been the least of my concerns.

It's a scary world out there for asexuals who don't yet know what they are.

[God of the Forest]

If you find people attractive in ways that are commonly sexualized, or generally associated with sex, that doesn't rule out asexuality. If you have no desire to actually have sex, even with those you find "sexy", then you are asexual.

I can drool over very, very attractive people. I could sit there and look at a naked person splayed out on my bed right in front of me and enjoy it; however, I would not be driven to engage in any direct sexual activity with that person. That is asexual.

That's exactly how I feel too. Thanks for the input and clarification, I feel more validated in my identifying as asexual. I think it definitely boils down to one's lack of desire to actively engage in sex, versus lack of sexual attraction to others.

Have a gander at this (I'm not saying its true) just to give you another perspective

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/46584-sensual-attraction/

But to answer your question definitively, asexuality is currently defined as:

1. Someone who does not experience sexual attraction to any gender.
2. Someone who has no desire for partnered sex.

The above info can be found here along with other useful information.

I will say that the only person that can define you is you. So if you say you are something then you are :) and far be it from anyone to dare tell you otherwise, do you and do you well.

[Fatima]

This is EXACTLY what is wrong with this community and why others say we make up special terms just to get attention. Not wanting to have sex with someone is called not wanting to have sex with someone. Not wanting to have sex with someone because you are NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED to ****ANYONE**** is called asexuality.

I'm a bit confused. When did I, or anyone else in this thread for that matter, "make up" any kind of so-called "special snowflake" identity? I identify as a homoromantic asexual. Romantic asexuals, homo, hetero, bi & pan, are extremely common, & have been around for as long as aromantic asexuals.

Actually, I was trying to avoid identifying as something other than "asexual," the term I feel most resonates with me, despite experiencing gendered sexual & emotional attraction (exclusively to males) because I'm totally, 100% repulsed by sex. You're saying that, because I experience gendered sexual attraction, I can't possibly be asexual, nor am I permitted to identify as anything inbetween, as I'd be "making it up" to "get attention."

You're suggesting that aces like myself & Snow Cone should just "go back" to identifying as sexuals, just grit our teeth & bare unwanted sexual expectations from others, simply because we experience sexual attraction. That's entirely up to us, not to you or anybody else for that matter. We decide our identities out of our own personal agency -- it's not up to personal opinion or a vote.

It's denigrating to other people's feelings & identities to say there's something "wrong" with us for grappling with the complexities of our sexual & asexual identities, in the process coming up with terms & labels that we feel best suit how we feel on the inside. Everyone has the right to identify as whatever they want to identify as, even if it seems "ridiculous" to others. That's up to them. If you don't agree with the way they identify, that's fine, but please don't police them about it, don't tell them they're something they strongly feel they're not. Unless you're in their head, their heart, & have experienced their life story, you're not in any position to tell them how they feel.

To reiterate my original point: Yes, I experience gendered sexual attraction to others of the same gender. No, I do not, under any circumstances, wish to engage in sexual contact or activity with anybody, & am repulsed by the very throught of sex.

In light of these qualitative facts of myself, I identify as a homoromantic asexual. Not as grey-A or demisexual, but as asexual.

(For the record, there's *nothing* wrong with identifying as grey-A or demisexual, or any other identity you think best applies to you. In my case, homoromantic asexuality best describes who I am & how I feel.)

[God of the Forest]

This is EXACTLY what is wrong with this community and why others say we make up special terms just to get attention. Not wanting to have sex with someone is called not wanting to have sex with someone. Not wanting to have sex with someone because you are NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED to ****ANYONE**** is called asexuality.

Ease up, all Hashke is trying to do is figure himself out like the rest of us are. Well except you I presume, you seem to have it all figured out.