tillipede Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm a "true" asexual. I was sexually abused from about age 6 to age 13. It's been 15 years (I'm 28 now). As a result, I don't even like being touched in a non-sexual way (let alone sexually). I've never been in a relationship or even dated because the idea scares me. But I don't mind not having sex? I don't find myself thinking about it. I've never been sexually attracted to anyone either, but I'm not sure if that's due to my PTSD or not. Basically, what I'm asking is, can people become asexual depending on the circumstances? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Contrarian Expatriate Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 You will find some people on AVEN who will dismiss this notion with a flippant, "It's just the way you were born!" type comments. I personally don't subscribe to that oversimplified thinking. I think if one can be born an asexual, one can also become asexual due to conditioning or life experiences. I also believe that any sexual orientation can be natural or environmental also. I grew up with parents who made the notion of sex taboo and I was made to not even think about sex. Even though I consider asexuality a gift that led to so many things in my life, I believe that I was conditioned thru experience into asexuality. But that is just my story; everyone has his story which might be vastly different. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
God of the Forest Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm a "true" asexual. I was sexually abused from about age 6 to age 13. It's been 15 years (I'm 28 now). As a result, I don't even like being touched in a non-sexual way (let alone sexually). I've never been in a relationship or even dated because the idea scares me. But I don't mind not having sex? I don't find myself thinking about it. I've never been sexually attracted to anyone either, but I'm not sure if that's due to my PTSD or not. Basically, what I'm asking is, can people become asexual depending on the circumstances? How you came to be asexual really isn't too important a deciding factor in whether or not you actually are, if you feel you are then you are. Asexuality can be both due to circumstances OR at birth. How you came to be asexual doesn't matter You will find many people on AVEN who will dismiss this notion with flippant, "It's just the way you were born!" I don't substribe to that oversimplified thinking. I hardly find the notion "flippant" as it is often the case that one is indeed born asexual and in the right context it isn't necessarily oversimplified thinking if its true. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
R_1 Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 The problem with the statement that people are born that way is that when it is repeated enough, people will often dismiss people who aren't born that way, and as far as I'm concerned brain changes literally bypasses pre-natal and natal setup meaning sexuality can change as long as it had to do with brain changes. And yes, we have evidence to suggest sexuality can change as a result of brain changes. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Contrarian Expatriate Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm a "true" asexual. I was sexually abused from about age 6 to age 13. It's been 15 years (I'm 28 now). As a result, I don't even like being touched in a non-sexual way (let alone sexually). I've never been in a relationship or even dated because the idea scares me. But I don't mind not having sex? I don't find myself thinking about it. I've never been sexually attracted to anyone either, but I'm not sure if that's due to my PTSD or not. Basically, what I'm asking is, can people become asexual depending on the circumstances? How you came to be asexual really isn't too important a deciding factor in whether or not you actually are, if you feel you are then you are. Asexuality can be both due to circumstances OR at birth. How you came to be asexual doesn't matter You will find many people on AVEN who will dismiss this notion with flippant, "It's just the way you were born!" I don't substribe to that oversimplified thinking. ......It is often the case that one is indeed born asexual....... You seem so certain of this. Do you have peer-reviewed proof or are you simply speculating and stating it as fact? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm a "true" asexual. I was sexually abused from about age 6 to age 13. It's been 15 years (I'm 28 now). As a result, I don't even like being touched in a non-sexual way (let alone sexually). I've never been in a relationship or even dated because the idea scares me. But I don't mind not having sex? I don't find myself thinking about it. I've never been sexually attracted to anyone either, but I'm not sure if that's due to my PTSD or not. Basically, what I'm asking is, can people become asexual depending on the circumstances? How you came to be asexual really isn't too important a deciding factor in whether or not you actually are, if you feel you are then you are. Asexuality can be both due to circumstances OR at birth. How you came to be asexual doesn't matterYou will find many people on AVEN who will dismiss this notion with flippant, "It's just the way you were born!" I don't substribe to that oversimplified thinking.......It is often the case that one is indeed born asexual.......You seem so certain of this. Do you have peer-reviewed proof or are you simply speculating and stating it as fact? We already discussed this in-depth in another thread (that you started) where you just ended up blatantly ignoring and dismissing everyone who disagreed with you. Studies have proven that some animals are naturally asexual (no interest in seeking sex with other animals, even after being injected with high amounts of sex hormones etc) despite being part of a massive herd of "normal" sexual animals. Same with homosexuality; some animals just naturally prefer to have sex with other animals of the same gender. So if it happens naturally in non-human animals, why is it different for humans? You seem adamant that humans can't be born asexual but if a rat or a ram can then so can a human. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Zadwhit Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Mental illness and medication can both stack up the feelings one may have of being asexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Artistofnoname Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Maybe, who knows. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Sadly rape is very common (one in seventeen women), so unless you're still suffering from it it most likely has nothing to do with your absence in desire. Some people are naturally touch averse, but if it is due to trauma then therapy can help. BUT a majority of women need foreplay to trigger their desire for sex, so if you do desire to make out then I'd hold off until you do so. Your touch aversion could be preventing the emergence of certain desires. Also, you say you've never dated out of fear, but have you had crushes? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tillipede Posted August 12, 2016 Author Share Posted August 12, 2016 Thank you for your responses. I feel a little bit more like I understand. Sadly rape is very common (one in seventeen women), so unless you're still suffering from it it most likely has nothing to do with your absence in desire. Some people are naturally touch averse, but if it is due to trauma then therapy can help. BUT a majority of women need foreplay to trigger their desire for sex, so if you do desire to make out then I'd hold off until you do so. Your touch aversion could be preventing the emergence of certain desires. Also, you say you've never dated, but have you had crushes? I'm not sure what you mean by still suffering from it. Due to my PTSD being untreated for so long I ended up developing most of the anxiety disorders and depression. So I guess in a way I do still suffer from it? I had to stop seeing a therapist because they just exacerbated my anxiety (I don't do well with people that I see in a position of power over myself). Crushes, yes, I have had those. They never amount to anything, as I make sure I only like unattainable men. Mostly because I want a crush to be just that, and never develop into anything more. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Starry Night Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Personally, I think you should identify with whatever you feel you are. Asexuality is a broad term despite being simply, "the absence of sexual attraction." Therefore, "true" asexual is kind of a tough subject. There are many different types of people under this umbrella because there isn't really a whole lot known about asexuality. You have people who have a libido but don't want sex. You have people who could go with or without it. You have people who are repulsed. You have people who need an emotional connection. You have people who like to masturbate, and you have people who don't. As you can see, there is a lot of diversity around here. It's a broad spectrum. Whether you have PTSD or not, I would say that if you aren't interested in having sex, you could fit in here just fine if you wanted to. But that's just my opinion. By the way, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you had to go through something so horrible. I wish you all the best in your future. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 . ......It is often the case that one is indeed born asexual.......You seem so certain of this. Do you have peer-reviewed proof or are you simply speculating and stating it as fact? "peer-reviewed proof"? Oh come now. The personal knowledge that one has been asexual all one's life is not research that is referred to peer review. Many AVEN members have stated they've been asexual all their lives; I've so stated a number of times. Do YOU have peer-reviewed proof that that is not the case? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Assia Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 From personal experience my asexuality developed over time. In the beginning I thought that I might have some straight and later gay sexual tendencies but with time and many sessions of drunk sex (only way I would have sex) I have come to the conclusion that It is the sex that I dont like...There is physical repulsion and I used to gag of the thought of sex. The only other asexual I know IRL is asexual by choice. He does not want the drama that comes with sex and relationships so he is an ace by choice. I have heard of rape affecting your sexuality but there aren't any conclusive studies... I do believe that asexuality is present in people who choose to be celibate so maybe that is a yes to your question. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 @Starry Asexuality isn't a broad term/umbrella term (Gray is), it just has personal variation that still retains to the core meaning; just as any other orientation does. A gay man who doesn't desire anal sex is still gay. If you mean libido as in desire for sex, then no, an asexual cannot desire sex but not want to act; that's Gray-A. If you mean libido as in "an asexual can masturbate but still not desire sex", then yes. People who could go "with or without it" are either a sex indifferent sexual or a sex indifferent asexual (depending on how you interpret that phrase); both of which being different things. Demisexuals are NOT ace, they are (abnormal) sexuals. @Assia Asexuality is not desiring sex; not abstaining, so no, a majority would disagree. Those who religiously abstain from sex (or for any other reason) are not asexual, they are abstaining sexuals. Orientation is not behavior it is desire. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Yeah ceIibacy and asexuaIity are two compIeteIy different things. A gay man married to a woman isn't heterosexuaI just because he's Iiving a heterosexuaI IifestyIe (married to and having sex with a woman) ..He's stiII a homosexuaI man who is just going against his innate desire/gender preference for whatever reason.If you're a sexuaI person and choosing not to have sex for whatever reason, that's just ceIibacy and/or abstinence, not asexuaIity. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tillipede Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 I think in the end I wanted to know if people thought I was asexual because my trauma began before I would really have started having sexual thoughts, or if I had really always been asexual and it was just coincidental. I've been thinking it over and it really does come down to, even though I have a touch phobia, I'm still not sexually attracted to others or desire to be in a non-platonic relationship. I think in the past I have wanted relationships or sex or whatever not because I actually wanted them, but because I've always wanted to blend in (a side affect of anxiety disorders- not wanting to draw attention to yourself). It doesn't help that I'm at the age where all my friends are getting married and having children. Deviating from the norm does cause others to notice you, and that's pretty much the last thing I want (but I guess it's something I'll have to live with). Yeah ceIibacy and asexuaIity are two compIeteIy different things. A gay man married to a woman isn't heterosexuaI just because he's Iiving a heterosexuaI IifestyIe (married to and having sex with a woman) ..He's stiII a homosexuaI man who is just going against his innate desire/gender preference for whatever reason.If you're a sexuaI person and choosing not to have sex for whatever reason, that's just ceIibacy and/or abstinence, not asexuaIity. Yeah there is a clear difference between those who chose not to have sex and those who simply don't want to. Personally, I think you should identify with whatever you feel you are. Asexuality is a broad term despite being simply, "the absence of sexual attraction." Therefore, "true" asexual is kind of a tough subject. There are many different types of people under this umbrella because there isn't really a whole lot known about asexuality. You have people who have a libido but don't want sex. You have people who could go with or without it. You have people who are repulsed. You have people who need an emotional connection. You have people who like to masturbate, and you have people who don't. As you can see, there is a lot of diversity around here. It's a broad spectrum. Whether you have PTSD or not, I would say that if you aren't interested in having sex, you could fit in here just fine if you wanted to. But that's just my opinion. By the way, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you had to go through something so horrible. I wish you all the best in your future. I've only really known about asexuality for a few months. But then after I heard about it something just clicked. Honestly I asked the question here because I'd read some articles and felt like the authors were implying I couldn't be a real asexual. When you think you've figured out what's wrong and then find out that maybe it's not the right answer, well, it's easy to be discouraged. Thank you for you kind words. I think in the end I wanted to know if people thought I was asexual because my trauma occurred before I would have started having sexual thoughts, or if I had really always been asexual and it was just coincidental. I've been thinking it over and it really does come down to, even though I have a touch phobia, I'm still not sexually attracted to others or Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Starry Night Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 @Starry Asexuality isn't a broad term/umbrella term (Gray is), it just has personal variation that still retains to the core meaning; just as any other orientation does. A gay man who doesn't desire anal sex is still gay. If you mean libido as in desire for sex, then no, an asexual cannot desire sex but not want to act; that's Gray-A. If you mean libido as in "an asexual can masturbate but still not desire sex", then yes. People who could go "with or without it" are either a sex indifferent sexual or a sex indifferent asexual (depending on how you interpret that phrase); both of which being different things. Demisexuals are NOT ace, they are (abnormal) sexuals. Sorry. Perhaps my choice of words sounded ignorant, while that was not my intention. I realize that asexuality, gray-asexuality, demisexuality, etc, are not all the same thing. However, I was under the impression that all these were still considered to be under the "ace umbrella." While since the beginning I have never quite understood why all of them are lumped together since they all are quite different. I lumped them all together in my own phrasing though since there is still technically an "umbrella," but I'm sorry if I happen to upset anyone. But my only point was that there were a lot of different people here and so if one feels like they can identify, they should feel free to do so, especially since there is still so much to be learned about asexuality. And of course I don't have all the facts so... That's all. As for libido, yes, I meant "an asexual can masturbate but still not desire sex." Anyway, sorry if it sounded like I was under misapprehension or was being insensitive. Have a good day. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Starry Night Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I think in the end I wanted to know if people thought I was asexual because my trauma began before I would really have started having sexual thoughts, or if I had really always been asexual and it was just coincidental. I've been thinking it over and it really does come down to, even though I have a touch phobia, I'm still not sexually attracted to others or desire to be in a non-platonic relationship. I think in the past I have wanted relationships or sex or whatever not because I actually wanted them, but because I've always wanted to blend in (a side affect of anxiety disorders- not wanting to draw attention to yourself). It doesn't help that I'm at the age where all my friends are getting married and having children. Deviating from the norm does cause others to notice you, and that's pretty much the last thing I want (but I guess it's something I'll have to live with). Yeah ceIibacy and asexuaIity are two compIeteIy different things. A gay man married to a woman isn't heterosexuaI just because he's Iiving a heterosexuaI IifestyIe (married to and having sex with a woman) ..He's stiII a homosexuaI man who is just going against his innate desire/gender preference for whatever reason. If you're a sexuaI person and choosing not to have sex for whatever reason, that's just ceIibacy and/or abstinence, not asexuaIity. Yeah there is a clear difference between those who chose not to have sex and those who simply don't want to. Personally, I think you should identify with whatever you feel you are. Asexuality is a broad term despite being simply, "the absence of sexual attraction." Therefore, "true" asexual is kind of a tough subject. There are many different types of people under this umbrella because there isn't really a whole lot known about asexuality. You have people who have a libido but don't want sex. You have people who could go with or without it. You have people who are repulsed. You have people who need an emotional connection. You have people who like to masturbate, and you have people who don't. As you can see, there is a lot of diversity around here. It's a broad spectrum. Whether you have PTSD or not, I would say that if you aren't interested in having sex, you could fit in here just fine if you wanted to. But that's just my opinion. By the way, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you had to go through something so horrible. I wish you all the best in your future. I've only really known about asexuality for a few months. But then after I heard about it something just clicked. Honestly I asked the question here because I'd read some articles and felt like the authors were implying I couldn't be a real asexual. When you think you've figured out what's wrong and then find out that maybe it's not the right answer, well, it's easy to be discouraged. Thank you for you kind words. I think in the end I wanted to know if people thought I was asexual because my trauma occurred before I would have started having sexual thoughts, or if I had really always been asexual and it was just coincidental. I've been thinking it over and it really does come down to, even though I have a touch phobia, I'm still not sexually attracted to others or It's hard to say. I too have heard people say that "asexuality" due to trauma or a mental problem couldn't be "real asexuality." But honestly, whatever you feel is most important. There are a lot of people who say they hate labels. In a way, so do I because they separate us as people and that's where prejudice and hatred comes in. But at the same time, everyone kind of needs a place where they fit in, because everyone wants to feel like they have a place, that they aren't the only one. And if you feel like you belong here, that's great. But if one day, you decide that you feel differently, that's okay too. Because it is only a label and does not make your feelings at any given time less important. Know what I mean? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 ... and that's the problem with the misleading phrase "asxual spectrum"; it's slowly knoted things up and has ended up making a big mess. It needs to be replaced; possibly with subsexual spectrum. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
loomborn Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 My opinion is that if you are in great trauma and distress, and identifying as asexual is the only way you have to cope with it, then yes, you are asexual. You are asexual and you are deserving of our help and support. I don't care if you've not been like this since forever, there are people more sexual than you in here and no one tells them they can't identify as ace either. So welcome! :-) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Assia Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 Hi everyone! Sorry, I am ever so late to the conversation. Just re my initial post I made. I've read your responses and honestly, I haven't actually encountered any Aces that were opposed to the spectrum/umbrella asexuality subject. Maybe because some of them were Tumblr raised but the aces I know online have this whole spectrum of asexuality ranging from voluntarily abstaining to no interest and no experience in sex. I am kinda pleased that you guys here don't class them together because it does get confusing. Since joining this forum a few weeks back I've been learning about all these different kinds of opinions and perspectives on this ever so simple term. It's quite fascinating to hear. While for me Ace means no interest and no desire, for public people like Ashley Mardell it is a spectrum and needs to be taught as one. I understand that Celibacy is the act of abstaining while Asexuality is an orientation, the person I was referring to is not interested in sex because of the baggage it carries. He defines himself as an Ace so who am I to question that Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 Yah, and that's the problem; it's so popular that the misconceptions the phrase creates are massive. The misinformed just keep adding to the misinformed and no one questions it. If someone desires sex but is choosing to not have sex they are either celibate or Gray-A, but not asexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 You could just as well ask "can certain circumstances make you homosexual?" Try that on someone who's gay and see what the answer is. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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