Just now figuring this out

[WthMe]

After a life of trying to attain sexual and romantic fulfillment (the last 11 years with a wonderful husband) I realized I'm autosexual. I've been kidding myself all these years. I always kind of sensed there was a higher level of romantic and sexual pleasure I wasn't quite grasping. Now it makes sense why. I just thought this is as good as it gets for me, or blamed my depression for numbing me... Now I realize I'm a fake and a liar. Living like that is literally driving me insane. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for about a month now. So now I understand I need to be single and alone to live my life to the fullest. But the guilt of putting my husband through this is horrible. I hate myself for it. Life isn't meant to be spent hurting people and that's literally how I've spent the last 11 years, setting him up for heartbreak. So I can do the "right" thing and stick it out with him, knowing I'm faking everything to make him happy, or I can leave and break his heart and live with that guilt.

I feel so stupid. I hate myself for taking this long to figure myself out. I wasted my life, and my husbands too. I don't know how to live with myself no matter what I decide.

[Stargirl97]

I think you should see a therapist or talk to friends/family before deciding what to do. This is a huge thing and I'm so sorry you have to deal with it. Neither of you should live unhappily. Know your happiness comes first and your happiness is just as important as his. You shouldn't have to make him happy if it makes you unhappy. I'm sure he wouldn't want it that way either.

Best of luck!

[Fairy_catmother]

I think seeing a therapist or a counsellor is a good idea. Don't blame yourself, it's common to think that one day the romantic and sexual stuff will just click and you'll finally get what everyone has been on about all this time. Realising that's not going to happen can be both a relief and very sad. You didn't make a conscious choice to hurt anyone Do you think your husband might have an idea about what you are going through?

[Star Bit]

So you desire sex with yourself? If not, you read the wrong definition of autosexual. The only requirement for being asexual is not desiring sex with anyone and nothing more. Anything else is just personal variation.

[Archaewok]

So you are sad because you value your husband's wellbeing, and you believe he will feel very hurt if you tell him you want to separate from him, and you feel afraid because you don't like seeing people in pain, and you know this will likely happen if you talk to your husband about your possible plan?


​Also, there are more than two options. If you value your husband's company at all, you don't have to leave him. Even some married couples who still have sex live in separate bedrooms. You could still have companionship (live separately in some fashion) and not have sex. You would need to acknowledge that he would most likely need to get his sexual satisfaction in other ways, but divorce isn't mandatory. You could also delight in your husband's sexuality without being sexual with him by helping him to explore his sexuality with toys and other things that he uses on himself. Also, as a factual note, I've been told by at least one woman that if she wants to have a more intense orgasm, she takes care of her own business, because she knows her signals the best; and if she wants to feel connected to her husband but not necessarily have as great of an orgasm, then she has sex with her husband. If you find that you really enjoy your own sexual explorations a lot more than what you do with your husband, a small piece of it could be that you know your own sexual signals better than he is able to.

​If you have had happy and enjoyable times with your husband over these years, it wasn't a waste. Everyone is a bumbling mess of more beneficial and less beneficial choices that we've made. Life isn't a matter of what we've done in the past. It is a matter of the choices that we make now and how we make the best of the situations we are currently in. There may be people whose lives are better now because you chose your husband and eventually bumped into them, where in a different relationship, you wouldn't have.

[indigorose]

...and to be fair, depression can numb your feelings. I think seeing a therapist is a good idea.

[WthMe]

I go to therapy. The doc is recommding a marriage counselor for us in my appointment next week. I'm not sure if that will help, but I'm planning on attending both regularly, at least until I can get over the suicidal thoughts and a decision is made about our marriage.

I love my husband. We've been through a lot together, and I care about him very much. I'm just not sure we're "in love" any more, or if we ever really were. I don't want to hurt him, but I am very unhappy in the marriage. I've put a lot of thought into it and I do believe I would be happier and more fulfilled leading my own life, rather than sharing something that seems fake. I've tried very hard to be happy with him and it just isn't happening. It's nothing that he did, it's just me discovering my true nature. I haven't had the guts to tell him "I'm autosexual" but I have shared some of my feelings with him and he's been understanding, but he's a very sexual person and I haven't been fulfilling his needs for years now.

Which leads me to... I am definitely autosexual as opposed to asexual. All my habits, fantasies and desires (and lack thereof) scream autosexual. I just never knew it was a thing until I stumbled upon the term recently and looked it up. Although I don't truly feel like I'm "in love" with myself or attracted to myself, all the other traits are there.

Thank you all for your time and thoughts! It really means a lot to me.

[Star Bit]

Autosexuals don't have to be autoromantic; the only requirement is desiring sex with yourself, which is different from just wanting to masturbate. It's a type of Gray-asexual. But what do you mean by "all the other traits are there"? There should really only be one trait.

[Xylona]

I'm sorry to hear that you feel so terrible WthMe, but like the others have already said, it's not your fault. You didn't know and you didn't intentionally mean to deceive or hurt your husband. If you are unhappy in the marriage and feel that you really can't fulfill your husband's needs, then I guess you should do what's best. But just because you are autosexual doesn't automatically mean that you can't make your husband happy, unless of course being with him is really a bother for you and you can't enjoy it at all. Have you told him how you feel and what you've discovered?

For example, I'm completely asexual, and have known it ever since I was little. But I told my husband straight away as soon as we started thinking about getting married and it certainly took some explaining, but in the end he was ok with it and we were both willing to give marriage a try. He was willing to take my feelings into account, but I also didn't have any problems attempting to make him happy too. We've been together over 4 years now and have a wonderful marriage. He's almost hypersexual though, and I feel sometimes that we waste a lot of time in bed lol. But it makes him happy, and since I'm not a repulsed ace, I can find emotional connection in it, and I love being with him.

So you see, you can still be happily married to someone that you are not sexually attracted to, as long as both sides are understanding, willing to compromise a little, and as long as your love is strong enough. If you really love him, and he really loves you, he might be more understanding than you think. I recommend to just be completely honest and tell him the truth. And of course mention than you just found out yourself too. It's not like you've been lying the whole time or anything. If he really loves you and wants to make it work, maybe he'll be willing to make some changes.

Good idea with the therapy too. If you are feeling depressed and having suicidal thoughts, that might also affect how you feel about your marriage. I hope that you can feel better, and God willing your marriage counseling will go well. Please take care <3

[WthMe]

Never mind. I'll keep looking until I find people who understand me.