How does your sexual history (or lack thereof) play into your asexual identity?

[fatal_flame_fertile_ash]

Hello!

I'm a 23 year old female with almost no sexual history. Every time things started heading in that direction, I veered off. I can look at a picture of Henry Cavill (aka Superman) and think "oh shit yea" and I masturbate every now and again (not to Henry Cavill), but I've never wanted someone to touch me sexually nor vice versa.

Frankly, I feel awkward and embarrassed about my virginity and lack of sexual experiences, even though it has been completely my choice (because I didn't want to). Logic tells me that if I were a lesbian, I wouldn't need to have sex with a man to know that, so I shouldn't need to have sex period to know that I'm asexual. Yet, I have doubts.

There's just a small part of me that hopes that if I power through, there's still a chance I'm "normal" (full snark behind those quotes). But every time I try to push past my comfort zone, my mind just says "nope nope nope why are you making me do this" and I pull back. So I feel like I'm going to be in this anxiety-ridden middle place forever, where I don't want to have sex, which makes me think I'm asexual, but think maybe I should push through and have sex to be sure and quiet my doubts, but I'll never actually do that because I don't want to have sex!

So I guess my question is: what part did your sexual history (or lack thereof) play in coming to terms with your asexual identity? Do the asexual virgins out there feel weird living under that title? Do you feel like you are going to miss out on a major human experience, even if you feel no desire to do it and know you probably wouldn't like it? To those of you who had sex before you knew you were asexual: was this a big factor in even realizing your identity? Those of you who had sex despite knowing you were asexual: do you regret it or feel it was a necessary part of your process?

I think what's really haunting me is something my mom said when I once again vaguely prepped my parents not to expect any husbands in my future and maybe not any serious partners. Last time they visited, my mom said, "You know we don't care about any of that stuff as long as you do what's right for you and makes you happy. But I don't want you to miss out on anything in life without giving it a chance." I've never had a frank conversation with them about my sexuality so she almost definitely meant more "don't be afraid to take a chance on love!" than "force yourself to try sex even if that makes you super uncomfortable!" But still. It stuck with me.

Anyway, thanks for any responses. I'm glad this forum is here because I'm almost certainly at the first mile marker of a long journey to confidence in my identity.

Best,

KT

[fatal_flame_fertile_ash]

Hello!

I'm a 23 year old female with almost no sexual history. Every time things started heading in that direction, I veered off. I can look at a picture of Henry Cavill (aka Superman) and think "oh shit yea" and I masturbate every now and again (not to Henry Cavill), but I've never wanted someone to touch me sexually nor vice versa.

Frankly, I feel awkward and embarrassed about my virginity and lack of sexual experiences, even though it has been completely my choice (because I didn't want to). Logic tells me that if I were a lesbian, I wouldn't need to have sex with a man to know that, so I shouldn't need to have sex period to know that I'm asexual. Yet, I have doubts.

There's just a small part of me that hopes that if I power through, there's still a chance I'm "normal" (full snark behind those quotes). But every time I try to push past my comfort zone, my mind just says "nope nope nope why are you making me do this" and I pull back. So I feel like I'm going to be in this anxiety-ridden middle place forever, where I don't want to have sex, which makes me think I'm asexual, but think maybe I should push through and have sex to be sure and quiet my doubts, but I'll never actually do that because I don't want to have sex!

So I guess my question is: what part did your sexual history (or lack thereof) play in coming to terms with your asexual identity? Do the asexual virgins out there feel weird living under that title? Do you feel like you are going to miss out on a major human experience, even if you feel no desire to do it and know you probably wouldn't like it? To those of you who had sex before you knew you were asexual: was this a big factor in even realizing your identity? Those of you who had sex despite knowing you were asexual: do you regret it or feel it was a necessary part of your process?

I think what's really haunting me is something my mom said when I once again vaguely prepped my parents not to expect any husbands in my future and maybe not any serious partners. Last time they visited, my mom said, "You know we don't care about any of that stuff as long as you do what's right for you and makes you happy. But I don't want you to miss out on anything in life without giving it a chance." I've never had a frank conversation with them about my sexuality so she almost definitely meant more "don't be afraid to take a chance on love!" than "force yourself to try sex even if that makes you super uncomfortable!" But still. It stuck with me.

Anyway, thanks for any responses. I'm glad this forum is here because I'm almost certainly at the first mile marker of a long journey to confidence in my identity.

Best,

KT

[gammafish]

Wow, almost heard myself speak while reading this... The only difference is that I have "done the deed" once (under most regrettable curcumstances, more on that later) and didnt enjoy it and doubt if I should push myself to do it again because "no one's first time is good." :/ Of course, I've come to the conclusion that forcing myself to do anything I'm not comfortable with in this regards is just unhealthy, but there's always that small voice in the back of my head.

To those of you who had sex before you knew you were asexual: was this a big factor in even realizing your identity?

Short answer: yes.

Long answer (excuse the rambling):

I didn't identify as ace at the time and it is still a relatively new concept for me. I'm still youngish (19) and recognize that sexuality can flucuate, so maybe the stars will align and something will change to nudge me closer to that sought after "normalcy" (yes, I say that with snark as well).

My first, and probably for a long, long time my last, sexual encounter was with a guy that I'd been friends with for a couple of years. Story time! (slight TMI): We hung out almost every weekend played games watched movies, that kind of thing and I never wanted our relationship to get sexual. It didn't even occur to me that he might think that way. Then my roommate pointed out we'd make a cute couple. I filed it away as "haha yeah right" for a while, but that sat in the back of my mind... Then one weekend we drank a little too much, and next thing I knew I was making out on the couch with him, things got handsy. My alcohol muddled brain finally caught up with real time and I called it off. Next morning, we decided not to speak of it.

Well fast forward a year and the same thing happens only this time I let it go all the way. And man, do I regret it. I always thought I was going to be one of the ones who did it right: sober and with someone I had a genuine romantic and sexual attraction to. Nope and nope.

I remember waking up the next day, hungover, generally feeling crappy, and just hating myself. The following week was crushing to me. Ended up getting a UTI which I was too anxious to make a doctor's appointment for, so I soldiered it out. Didn't go to my classes and stayed in bed pretty much all day. And just felt incredibly lonely. I'd lost a good friend and went against my own gut feelings and thoughts I'd held for years and years just because I made poor decisions while inebriated.

After that, I became acutely aware of the lack of sexual attraction I'd had thoughout my life so I decided to do what any kid of this era would: consulted Google. So fast forword another few months and here I am, slowly feeling more and more comfortable with my self given label.

Personally, I wish I never forced myself into the position I was in. I know I used alcohol as a crutch to be okay with sex, but in the end I was even more unhappy than as a virgin. Although, I suppose it all worked out because that helped me realize my asexuality.

Hope that long reply helped you in some way. Youre just fine where you are, despite what anyone says, because (excuse the cliché) you're the captain of your own ship. :)

[Aloki24601]

Hi KT,

I am very new to this forum and to discovering that I feel comfortable with the term asexual, especially since I can relate so heavily to many people and many stories here.

I am a virgin, I have even only ever had two kisses - both not exactly welcome or enjoyed.

Does my lack of experience come into play in coming to terms with being asexual?

Yes. I think that there have been plenty of opportunities for me to pursue a physical relationship with someone, and the fact that I have always refrained (I am in my early thirties) has signified that there is truly something different about my orientation. I have spent a lot of time thinking that when the right person comes along that natural instinct will surely kick right in and set me off into a wonderful land of sex. That is something that may happen, with the right person. At this point, it is immensely difficult for me to find sexual touching/intercourse to be attractive. I have watched porn, and I think it's interesting that people actually enjoy it, and it does not look appealing to me at all. It has at times been a stimulation, but I never had any desire to take part in it. I view my lack of experience, in large part, as a result of being asexual. There is something clearly different about me that makes me avoid this activity instead of embrace it, even in a cautious, safe manner. I know that I would be just fine to not have sex for my whole life. I do, however, very much so want a relationship. I just always wish sex didn't have to be a part of it. I now feel some relief in knowing that maybe it doesn't have to be. I am comfortable with the idea that I could try to explore sexuality with the right person at a very slow pace that feels comfortable to me. I consider myself hetero-romantic, but if I found the right person, and then enjoyed sex, I think I would still be on the ACE spectrum, perhaps as demi-sexual. I cannot imagine breaking up with said person, and be happy to jump into a physical relationship without knowing the person for quite some time and feeling a really strong bond with them first. Those are reasons I feel comfortable identifying as asexual.

Do I feel weird under that title?

This title is new to me, so I do feel a little bit weird, but I hope to become comfortable with it as I do feel like I am comfortable in my own skin by myself -- it will take longer to get there with other people. I've only come out to 2 friends and my sister (who is bi and immediately was like, yes, you are totally asexual and I concur -- I'm glad you have figured that out and hope it makes you happy). In explaining to other people -- I think my lack of experience is a testament to my asexuality. I think understanding that asexuality doesn't equate to no sex ever is important to understand and convey. To me asexuality means I have options and a freedom to feel confidence in expressing that I need to take my time in the physical aspect of a relationship, not that I am no longer "eligible" for any kind of sexual interaction in the future.

Do I feel like I am going to miss out on a huge experience?

Yes in some ways. I feel that the experience missed out on is more the relationship than the sex. I used to avoid dating because I would always feel like he's a nice guy but if I don't want to kiss him, I guess I'm not really that interested, so I would say I want to be friends and usually never hear from the guy again :( I feel like I can approach dating differently now that I know who I am and what my needs actually are (and feel that they are valid). If I never had sex, I would feel like I am missing something others experience, but knowing that my experience of that thing would never BE what they experience anyway. For example, I do not like coffee. It's really gross, even coffee ice cream or brownies is just disgusting to me. I do feel like I'm missing out on part of culture, but if I forced myself to start just one morning with a cup of coffee, I'd be so miserable and I would have still "missed out" on that experience that the rest of the world (seemingly) has. Another is example is that when many parents find out their child is deaf, the most common reaction is heartbreak at thinking that my child will never "hear" me say I love you. But that parent will learn to sign or in a another way communicate "I love you" in another language or way. So while technically the deaf child may not physically "hear", the child will come to know the unique hand shape that comes from his or her parents, and that will be communicated uniquely and be precious. So I think that if I am able to have a meaningful relationship where love and affection is communicated mutually in a fulfilling manner with my partner, that I WOULD be experiencing what others experience through sex, just by a different means. If I tried some sexual things and hated it and didn't want to go through with it, but did anyway just to "have the experience" and that experience was actually traumatizing, I'm not sure that "not missing out" would have been worth it. That said, I think this is a very personal and individual experience. I think it's important to check in with yourself. If I take a sip of coffee twice a week for a year, and hate it just as much as the end of the year as I do now, I'm not sure that drinking the whole cup just to say I did it, would be worth it for me, and in which case, I would not feel like I was missing out.

I had some friends tell me the same thing about not missing out on these things in life for fear of giving it a chance. I actually feel like embracing my asexuality has given me a renewed sense of being able to actually go on dates. Dating always makes me feel really anxious because I have the preconceived notion that every guy expects sex and I will be a disappointment when I don't want that. Now I feel like it is reasonable to say, I really enjoy your company and I would like to continue this relationship, but I do not experience sexual attraction in the same way many people do, etc etc (I have no idea what I would actually say as this has not happened yet) -- But I feel like in this way, I do not have to miss out on the experience of dating, and hopefully a relationship will come of it for me and I can post a success story up on that wall. The truth is I really DO want to share life experiences with someone -- I want to go on a hike and have a picnic and have that someone put their arms around me. I want to share the ups and downs of my day with someone. I want to challenge this person to be the best, and hope they challenge me in my endeavors as well. I want to take a cooking class or go out to eat, or just celebrate life with someone alongside of me, and THAT is the experience that I have been missing out on, that I don't want to miss out on any longer.

I hope that you are able to find some of my insights and perspective helpful and insightful to your own journey. Best wishes!

Aloki

[One Winged Angel]

When I look back at my so called sexual history, it is quite obvious how Asexual I am, and always have been. I actually have no sexual history whatsoever, and at the age now of 29, I am a virgin and feel absolutely no desire for sexual contact in any way.

I have never felt a need, pull or desire to form a sexual relationship with anybody. As a teenager, I thought I was simply missing some special ingredient that when found, would make me interested like my peers. But this ingredient never existed. As a young adult when all of these friends abandoned their previous lives to become pregant/married/cohabiting, I just knew that this kind of thing was not for me.

I think it is interesting that I knew a girl who was 9 years old, and a typical cute kid. In seemingly no time at all, she was 16 and suddendly became this sexual being, bringing home boys, chasing sex and dressing in a way to attract attention. In that time, I simply grew 7 years older and still had no interested in partners, sex or anything like it. It is quite obvious when I look at things like that, as well as my general past, that Asexualiy has been with me for my whole life.

[Scott1989]

For me, I didn't teally care before I identified as ace aro, but I also thought I'd one day meet the one someday with no rush to do so. That changed when I relised how crap a father I had (nothing awful like abuse or worse) and how much I was like him. I still identified as straight but didn't want a relationship to avoid repeating history.

When I found out about asexuality, I knew I could identify as asexual and remembering the above made me comfortable with being one.

[Galactic Turtle]

All while growing up I understood the meaning of sex and why anonymous other people had sex but just like many other things people get the urge to explore as they enter into adulthood, sex seemed like it was something separate from me and my life. For a while during middle and high school I'd watch my friends slowly enter into relationships. I'd see them get kissed and groped and talk about having hooked up with a random guy or their boyfriend. At the beginning it always shocked me. I didn't understand why they would want to do that. It was like that by them telling me these things they were trying to broadcast that they were in danger or that they were hurt but they enjoyed it and didn't understand. I thought maybe I couldn't understand because I didn't like anyone but as I grew older and I realized other people viewed me in a sexual light, I found myself becoming increasingly aware of my repulsion to sex but still I thought maybe I couldn't feel those things until I liked someone. If I liked someone then it would be natural because I'm human. But then I liked someone when I was 21 and he liked me but it was like we were speaking two different languages to each other. I nervously awaited for those urges to kick in but even the thought of allowing him to kiss me, to touch me, was repulsive. By this time, everyone my age was pretty open about their sex lives. I'd sit with the sports team I was on in college and they'd talk about people they hooked up with, the type of porn they discovered, funny things that happened to them while masturbating and again, to me it was just an entirely different language.

I got into a physical situation with a man at a party my senior year of college that quickly went out of my own control. I know that he shouldn't have done the things he did but at the same time it made me think deeply about why I wasn't feeling certain things yet, why quiet protests against being touched when I was 12 had morphed into a near complete physical and mental shutdown at that party when my protests were being ignored. I haven't yet come to terms with myself or with asexuality as it relates to myself. There have always been things about me that made me deviate from the norm that my parents thought I would grow out of but at age 22 still have not. I think my mind doesn't work the way it's supposed to. Urges and habits I'm supposed to pick up have yet to reveal themselves. There's no telling what the future holds. 22 is still pretty young, perhaps. But if I don't drink coffee because it smells bad, I don't drink alcohol because it tastes bad, and I don't party because it makes me feel bad, engaging in anything sexual that sets off all those alarms and more in my head seems silly. I recognize that I feel this way but I also recognize that as a human I don't work the way I'm supposed to for a lot more reasons than my seemingly asexual nature. That's what I'm coming to terms with.

In general I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of human experiences. I've tried to go outside my comfort zone all with miserable results. My parents say that if I insist on being this way then nobody will want me so that's the type of future they're preparing for. It feels like I've failed, in a way. In short, my lack of sexual history could be seen as informative. A lot of other people on this site will insist that you can't really know until you try and even if you try once you have to try multiple times just to make sure. But I don't want this. Everything from my mind to my body screams no just thinking about it. The consequences of forcing myself would be a lot more severe than a caffeine rush, becoming slightly tipsy, or feeling overwhelmed by a crowd of bodies so I'm going to stop trying for as long as I feel like this, and accept that there's just something not right about me with the knowledge that asexuality is there as a possible explanation.

I don't think I answered the question but hopefully this helps...

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I have no sexual history and don't desire any in the future, that's about as complex as it gets for me. I don't feel weird or that I'm missing out on anything regarding sex, and tbh don't understand why you would if it's not something you want.

[Tanzanite]

I never minded being an asexual virgin. Even if I'm missing out on sex and romantic relationships, I can at least replace them with something I'm actually interested in. Who knows, I might take up hovercraft racing one day (I still can't believe that's actually a thing now! I love it!), regular auto racing, Supercross or just motorcross, or gymnastics if I'm not too tall (wait...crap 5'10 is probably too tall...I still got options).

I've never had a frank conversation with them about my sexuality so she almost definitely meant more "don't be afraid to take a chance on love!" than "force yourself to try sex even if that makes you super uncomfortable!" But still. It stuck with me.

Yeah...if that's really what she meant, then that's bad advice. I'm aware that sometimes life has risks, and things such as love and sex may be powerful for some people, but why should it require sacrifice...espcially comfort?! People keep saying those things require sacrifice, and I just keep sitting there like "if people value it so much as something to add to their lives, why does it require you to lose something? Isn't it that kind of thinking that can lead to bad relationships?" If there's no phobia involved, but it's still outside of your comfort zone, how on Earth can you enjoy something like everybody else? It's not easy to ease into something when you've given it plenty of thought and have went through plenty of scenarios in your head.

[Telecaster68]

People keep saying those things require sacrifice

It doesn't feel like sacrifice - it feels like doing something for the person you're closest in the world to, because it makes them happy and making them happy makes you happy. Of course you have to balance how much stress it brings you, vs how much joy it brings them (or how much stress not doing it would involve for them), and ideally, the version with less stress in aggregate for both people is what both actively want to do. I'm not talking about sex in particular, but the whole relationship.

Not that it stops people having social moans about it, a bit like moaning about having to go to the gym. In your heart you genuinely want to, but the prospect doesn't seem appealing in the moment.

[argar]

My non sexual history and my sexual history has a lot to do with confirming my asexuality.

Sexual behaviors were a mystery to me, but I did have a natural curiosity about it when I was younger.

In a lot of ways, I think it was easier for certain people to take advantage of that curiosity.

Most of my sexual experiences have involved being with men.

And I can honestly say that I don't like it, but I do find it more comfortable because it's more familiar.

Romantically I like the idea of being with a woman, but sexually I find it find it terrifying.

So, both my experiences, and lack of experience have confirmed to me my asexuality.

Hmm, am I going to miss out on a human experience?

I think I have missed out on a lot of those, and I don't regret it at all.

Alcoholism runs in my family, so I have never had the experience of passing out drunk.

I've never done drugs, so I have missed out on some of that as well.

I've never been to a strip club, so yeah missed out as well.

I am not saying sex is bad by any means, I am just saying not all experiences are necessarily good ones.

Now that I am older, the idea of never having sex doesn't bother me at all.

The last time I had any sexual anything was in college, and it was there that I realized i just didn't really care enough about it to actually pursue it.

I think I am lucky I am a man, so I have never had to deal with anyone pursuing me.

Of course I could be wrong and nobody would pursue me regardless of what biological sex i was. Lol

In the end you have to make decisions that you think you can live with.

Although I do not like many of the experiences I have had, I have learned to live with them.

Sometimes you don't have another choice if you want to continue to move forward.

I've stalled a few times, but now I am in a good place with the who's and the what's of what I call my life.

I hope some of the above makes sense and helps a little.

Have a beautiful day.

[MiniVegan]

My sexual history goes like this:

I am a Christian. I met a guy, and we were together for 2 years before we got married. We waited to have sex until we got married. Seven years later, I'm thinking demisexual describes me pretty well. I'm not sex repulsed, but I need to feel connected and loved in a non-sexual way to want sex. Otherwise, it's a chore.

Married for 7 years now, and this pisses my husband off. Also, I just figured this aspect of myself out now. But the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. My husband is my only serious relationship, and the only person I've had any desire to be sexual with. But only when we're connecting.

Also, I think the idea that you should ever do something physical with a person that you do t completely want to do is really damaging. You will likely not feel good about it after.

[Stargirl97]

I've considered myself ace pretty much since I ever heard the term. I've never been interested and have zero sexual feelings whatsoever. But then my boyfriend wanted to try it and so I reluctantly agreed, you know, just in case maybe I had to try it first. Nope. Nope nope nope. Worst experience of my life. Started crying. He was confused and felt so bad. It's all good now but MAN I HATED that. I certainly confirmed my identity there but it was NOT worth it. I just have awful memories and now have a bit of daily anxiety from that experience. The only thing I learned is that most people know their identity without having sex. Trust me. It's not true for everyone but I think you should not try sex to confirm your identity. I already knew I was ace and blew it.

[Ianigsy]

In my case, it took me a very long time (up until the age of about 40) to realise that I was simply less driven by sex than most people around me, so it was kind of part of my identity without my really knowing. I had sex for the first time last month at the age of 43 because the opportunity presented itself and as much as anything it was an experiment on myself because I wanted to know whether my equipment worked (it does) and I might otherwise go through life never knowing that about my own body.

I never really thought of myself as an asexual virgin because I've always wanted the romance side to a greater or lesser extent, and to my mind "asexual virgin" sounded a bit much like "not now and not ever"- I wanted to feel physically comfortable with another human being even though that rarely comes naturally to me- I just rarely felt close enough to anybody to want to take things to another level. It bothers me that if I were in a relationship, she would probably expect things from me physically that I might not be able to give, but then again if the relationship's built on respect then that should be something we could work around.

[Hermit Advocate]

I haven't had sex but I was close to having it with my ex. I thought that once I did it that I would somehow magically understand what everyone else was talking about. It was at that point where things were seriously progressing that I really took the time to reflect on myself and came to the conclusion that I was asexual; and aromantic but that's a separate issue. I decided that I didn't need to have sex to understand my own orientation. I don't feel that I am missing out on anything or that I have to try sex once to prove that I am asexual. If I never have sex in my life I am okay with that. Luckily people don't ask me if I'm a virgin much so I don't have to go through the whole "it's none of your damn business about my lack of sex life so kindly butt out" speech that I'm usually forced to give in response.

[Adam_Jensen]

I have zero sexual history and I'm a fully fledged virgin :P Hell I even haven't kissed anyone in the mouth.

And I'm saying all this with a sense of pride (and I know it's sounds quite silly) but the concept of sex and romantic/sexual relationships never interested me at all.

I would even end up betraying myself and my principles if I ever end up having sex just for shake of "doing the deed" atleast once.

And I always hated the virgin shaming that society puts on people and treating them like they are not fully human since they haven't indulged themselves in a disgusting primitive act.

[indigorose]

I'm in my mid 30's. I only started realising I am probably asexual in the last few years after going to therapy and asking why I have never been interested in sex or had much of a sex drive. When I was a teenager, I had boyfriends and most of them I just didn't feel anything for, but I mainly just kissed them. I had one boyfriend that lasted a good month or two and then I freaked out when I knew he wanted sex and then he cheated on me and then I just was devastated and never trusted men after that. Pretty dramatic response!

I had a few guys interested in me in my 20's but I never felt any attraction for them in that way. At the time I just thought they were not the right guys, but maybe it's just that I will never feel those feelings very often. I did feel it for one guy though. The one below.

Jump to now in my 30's I guess you could say say I have had sex, but to be honest each time it was too painful, or a bad experience, so it didn't last long. I had these experiences in the last few years. The first opportunity presented itself with a guy I dated a few times and I was curious and didn't want to die not trying sex. It was a disaster. He was a dick. Having said that, I did get horny and learnt to masturbate and had my first orgasm from the experience. So that experience taught me I can feel sexual things.

The second was not long ago and he was my boyfriend and he was nice enough, but there were some "red flag" issues, so yeah each time we tried sex, I couldn't get into it (sex was too painful), plus my head wasn't in the right headspace.

So yeah, slowly now coming to the conclusion that I could very well be asexual, but for me I am glad I had those sexual experiences. It taught me sex wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it was and that actually it's more important who you connect with. I was always worried more about "the sex" than the person before I had a relationship. I'm glad I had those sexual experiences in my 30's rather than my early 20's because I had more emotional maturity to handle everything better.

I'm starting to wonder for me it's not so much about the sex, but actually about the "relationship" and being "vulnerable" to someone else that is one of the biggest issues for me.

[jammer68]

I am 48.

I regret not being sexual when I was growing up but I never missed it then.

It would also be very hard for me to be sexual with anyone now.

I have this good friend that I like hanging out with that I've known for 8 years.

I would like to do sexual stuff for him but it would totally be for his benefit (he has made it very clear that he doesn't feel anything sexual for me so nothing will ever happen).

He is a very sexual person anyways.

Frankly, I feel awkward and embarrassed about my virginity and lack of sexual experiences, even though it has been completely my choice (because I didn't want to).

Maybe wait a few more years.

To those of you who had sex before you knew you were asexual: was this a big factor in even realizing your identity? Those of you who had sex despite knowing you were asexual: do you regret it or feel it was a necessary part of your process?

I was almost 30 before I got up the guts to meet anyone.

It didn't work out and and I regret now (18 years later) that it didn't turn into an ongoing thing but it didn't and such is life.

Maybe my regret has more to do with the idea of wanting it.

Maybe if I could have had it, it wouldn't work out again.

But every time I try to push past my comfort zone, my mind just says "nope nope nope why are you making me do this" and I pull back. So I feel like I'm going to be in this anxiety-ridden middle place forever, where I don't want to have sex, which makes me think I'm asexual, but think maybe I should push through and have sex to be sure and quiet my doubts, but I'll never actually do that because I don't want to have sex!

I would suggest seeing a counselor to help you come to terms with not wanting sex (which is normal).

So I guess my question is: what part did your sexual history (or lack thereof) play in coming to terms with your asexual identity?

A lot.

I was only willing to try things once and even what I did try was a very small percentage of what is possible.

I came here shortly after but have away from this site for many years.

[Sol_Hocun]

Of course you're completely right that nobody should be expected to have sex in order to confirm their identity, unfortunately many people don't see it that way. I have an anxiety about having no sexual history because some people will look down on me for being a virgin. I see this as a particular problem for asexuals (Edit:I just have to disagree with myself here as other orientations do face similar problems) since otherwise open-minded or well meaning people will assume our asexuality is a result of repression or mental illness because they believe it's healthy and normal to want sex, rather than accept that there is a spectrum of different levels of desire, which includes none at all.

Are we missing out on an experience?

Probably but what bland lives we would all lead if everyone wanted (and did) exactly the same things.

Edited August 16, 2016 by Sol_Hocun

[J.T. Grey]

Let me put my two cents in (hopefully this won't take too long).

I, like you have not had much sexual history, more or less, any at all due to my choices in my life not to do so. (like you XD) Personally, I think this plays into my sexuality and romantic attractions, because I desire them in theory but in real life since I really couldn't be bothered. I'm not a super emotional person to begin with, and it doesn't help that I think sex is something you should do with someone you have genuine feelings for that are reciprocated (and also because sex grosses me out a little) and I've never really wanted to do that anyway.

There are some people who might tell me that I don't know my orientations because I haven't dated or had sex with anyone to know for sure, but I get the gist from my feelings about relationships that I know what I want and I know what my orientations are.

But, I can agree to disagree. That's just what I think.