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Confused about my (a)sexuality. Please give advice!


Bella the friendly kitten

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Bella the friendly kitten

Hello! I am a fourteen year old girl and I am unsure about my sexuality. I know that users cant diagnose me, but I would like any help/advice/support you can give me. Here is my story.

I first really learned about LGTBQ+ people in summer of last year with the Supreme Court case and all that. Before that, I only had a very vague knowledge of gay people. For some reason, I found (and find) the LGTBQ+ community to be very interesting to learn about. I started researching different types of genders, orientations, expressions, etc. After a bit, I started to feel like I might not be completely straight. This confused me, because I have only ever had crushes on boys.Then I found out about asexuality. The label sounded good to me, but I was (and am) still unsure. I am sure, though, that I am heteroromantic.

Im just going to talk about my feelings about kissing, sex, marriage, etc. Im sorry if its TMI. So first off - I have held hands and hugged with a boy and enjoyed it. I find the idea of close physical contact/cuddling appealing, so long and hands do not explore bodies. I find the idea of kissing (especially with tongue) gross, and to me sex seems absolutely repulsive and disgusting. I do want to get married someday, but I dont want biological children (I would consider adoption).

I wonder if I am simply too young to know my sexuality (although I am well into puberty). But many of the kids in my grade talk about sex and find it appealing. There are rumors that a few have actually done it. I dont know if this is normal for my age.

I havent told anyone about this, mainly because want to feel free to change my labels whenever I need to.

I live in a very liberal community, and my family and school support LGTBQ+ people. I have multiple friends who are gay/lesbian/bi/pan/queer/aro. Everyone in my grade (except for a few stupid people who I dont care about) is accepting to LGTBQ+ people. In short, I know I would be supported and accepted. So the only reason I havent told people it because I am not sure of my sexuality.

Thank you to anyone who actually read my whole story. It means a lot to me. Once again, I know you arent allowed to diagnose me, but I would really appreciate any advice or support you have to offer.

Thanks so much!

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Hey. If you feel like Ace describes you right now, then you can use that label. You are welcome to change it later. Also, you are welcome not to come out to people (I am only out to one person) until you feel more sure. But you know yourself the most. You are who you feel you are. I am finding it helpful to read articles and other people's experiences (I'm also really new to this label). The more I hear from others, the more I feel Ace explains my experiences. Feel free to explore and research. Don't feel like any label has to be permanent. We are all learning more about ourselves everyday.

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Anthracite_Impreza

In my opinion it's too early for you to be sure about your sexuality, many people do not even finish developing until their late teens/early twenties. By all means ID as ace now, but keep an open mind, and be aware that a majority of female-bodied people experience responsive desire (ie. they have to be in a sexual situation before they actively desire it).

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You may be asexual, or you may be a late bloomer. It's a bit early, but what matters is that you identify as what you feel the most comfortable with right now and keep in mind that things can change, even potentially very late in life and there's nothing wrong with changing the way you identify. And you don't even have to identify as anything, it's totally OK to not know yet.

About your classmates, yes, a few certainly aren't virgins any longer, but the more they brag about having had sex and the more they laugh at virgins, the more likely it is that they're lying because they don't want to admit their own virginity in public, especially boys !

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Agree with most people here, you are young and that may be influencing what you are feeling. But many other LBGTQ+ people often feel they are different at your age(or even younger) and learn to accept who they are in regards to sexuality and romanticism. The best advice i can give is to not completely close off your options for anything. When i was your age i found that i wasnt interested in making out or even touching anyone else. I did end up in a physical relationship later on, but since im truly demisexual/demiromantic, i only wanted to be physical with her after quite a while into our relationship. Since you are in a more accepting community, a good option would be to say to family/friends that you think you might be asexual, and your family/friends might be able to help you figure yourself out. At the very least it will increase asexuality visibility.

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I'm in the same boat as you- still kinda questioning and not sure whether to officially identify myself. The best advice I can give is to think carefully about how you feel torwards boys you have attraction to. After that identify yourself by how you feel currently; you can always change your identity later, so you don't have to worry about being "wrong".

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I'd echo what the rest have said. What I'd also say is let your own personal experiences help as well.

When I was in school, I thought I was hetro and had identified as such but saying that. I didn't know about asexuality until I was finishing college, about to go into Uni. Looking back at what I was like at school with regards to sex and romance, I can defiantly see that I wasn't hetro and very asexual. It sort of made me less ashamed of my virginity or lack of desire to lose it. As a friend put it, at least I'm a virgin that doesn't care, instead of a virgin who is desperate to have sex but can't.

I only found about aromance a few years ago, and when I discovered the term. At that moment, I instantly remembered a conversation 5 years prior I had with my mother about my father who had abandoned my family when I was very young. Although it wasn't her intention (it was to rant about him, and also to tell me what it was actually like. I was 18 at the time), I saw a lot of myself in her description of him. I never told her, but it had made me disgusted and scared of myself as I, to a much lesser extend, did some of the stuff he did (i.e not care about relationships I did have).Discovering aromance gave me a lot of comfort as it helped me understand that it was actually desirable for me to not have a romantic relationship that may or may not lead to having my own family.

By all means, if you think identifying yourself as an ace fits you now, feel free to do so, but in 5 years time (and every so often after that), look back at what you did and you're thought processes were at the time. That will help you find an identity that suits you, whether that is still as a hetroromantic asexual, or not. As some say, your desires may change, or they may not. The good thing about you knowing about (and identifying as) asexual now is that it should help you be more comfortable with yourself sooner, even if you change to another identity.

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Bella the friendly kitten

Thank you, everyone, for your advice. Your support means a lot to me.

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