Acquired Asexuality

[Cobie]

I quote from the Front Page / About Asexuality / Identity -

"Just as people will rarely and unexpectedly go from being straight to gay,

asexual people will rarely and unexpectedly become sexual or vice versa."

...

If at any point someone finds the word asexual useful to describe themselves,

we encourage them to use it for as long as it makes sense to do so,"

This thread is for Self-Identified Aces with an acquired asexuality.

[Aqua Blue]

that could be me, although I am not sure. I would say I always had low, actually very low libido. I married,and stayed married for 20 year to a very narcisstic man to say the very least. I wonder if I would be different if that had been different.

[Cobie]

Hello Aqua Blue, welcome! 🍰 

And thank you for your response. ☺️

You make a very important point, yes, there are always other factors. Your husband being narcissistic, this must have been very difficult for you I imagine.

But, you don't have to be sure at all. Whatever label you feel describes you right now, then you can use that label. This is a safe space to explore and you can always change label again later.

The idea is to have a conversation about it.

[Blondbeard]

In my opinion there are much more asexuals that were bornt sexuals than asexuals that were bornt asexuals.

The perventage of sexual women that become asexuals at 45 and or after many kids have to be over 20% of all women in that age range.

[Cobie]

Hi Blondbeard, welcome and have some cake 🍰

Thank you for your interesting post. 😊

I think that could very well be right. I wonder if there are any statistics on it.

I read some of your posts and see that your experience has been from asexual to sexual. Hopefully the separation from your ex is going well.

[Sally]

In my opinion there are much more asexuals that were bornt sexuals than asexuals that were bornt asexuals.

The perventage of sexual women that become asexuals at 45 and or after many kids have to be over 20% of all women in that age range.

There's no evidence that's true. I think you're conflating asexuality with no libido. They're very different. Asexuality is not wanting sex with any other person; asexuals may have a libido but they don't satisfy it with other people. Sexual women sometimes have lower libido after menopause, but that doesn't mean they "become" asexual.

[Cobie]

Hello Sally, welcome. 🍰

Thank you very much for your input. 🙂

Having libido but not satisfying it with other people, I think that is called celibacy.

There is more going on than lower libido in acquiring asexuality at an older age.

[Blondbeard]

In my opinion there are much more asexuals that were bornt sexuals than asexuals that were bornt asexuals.The perventage of sexual women that become asexuals at 45 and or after many kids have to be over 20% of all women in that age range.

There's no evidence that's true. I think you're conflating asexuality with no libido. They're very different. Asexuality is not wanting sex with any other person; asexuals may have a libido but they don't satisfy it with other people. Sexual women sometimes have lower libido after menopause, but that doesn't mean they "become" asexual.

In my opinion there are much more asexuals that were bornt sexuals than asexuals that were bornt asexuals.The perventage of sexual women that become asexuals at 45 and or after many kids have to be over 20% of all women in that age range.

There's no evidence that's true. I think you're conflating asexuality with no libido. They're very different. Asexuality is not wanting sex with any other person; asexuals may have a libido but they don't satisfy it with other people. Sexual women sometimes have lower libido after menopause, but that doesn't mean they "become" asexual.

So then we should not consider asexuals to the asexuals that have no libido and never masturbate, and reading this forum there are plenty of them. I thought the definition of being asexual was not experiecing sexual attraction and that's what happens to many women when they get old. I can understand that some asexuals can have libido and can masturbate but I can't see why somebody who don't have libido and don't feel sexual attraction and neither masturbate should not be considered asexual.

[Sally]

Hello Sally, welcome.

Thank you very much for your input.

Having libido but not satisfying it with other people, I think that is called celibacy.

There is more going on than lower libido in acquiring asexuality at an older age.

Having libido but not wanting to have sex with other people is not celibacy. That's the difference. Celibacy is deciding not to have sex even though you may want it; asexuality is not wanting to have sex in the first place.

Not wanting sex because you have lost your libido due to age (which doesn't happen to everyone) is not "acquiring asexuality". It isn't a change in orientation. It's basically a medical condition due to less/no estrogen after menopause.

I'm not new, Theodora2 -- have been on AVEN for about 8 years.

[Guest]

Hello Sally, welcome.

Thank you very much for your input.

Having libido but not satisfying it with other people, I think that is called celibacy.

There is more going on than lower libido in acquiring asexuality at an older age.

Yes it's very common to Iose interest in sex as a resuIt of hormone imbaIances and stress etc after pregnancy, during Iong-term iIIness, after menopause, even during a Iong unhappy marriage with Iots of fighting etc, and for some peopIe just a resuIt of getting oIder (Iike 70+), whatever. That's NOT aquired asexuaIity, it's caIIed ''reIativeIy normaI''. AsexuaIity is never having had that desire to connect sexuaIIy with others (for sexuaI and/or emotionaI pIeasure) in the first pIace.

Having a Iibdio but no desire to partake in partnered sex, ever, isn't ceIibacy.. That's normaI asexuaIity (many asexuaIs have a Iibido as a resuIt of having heaIthy hormone IeveIs - we just don't connect that with a desire to have sex with others)

CeIibacy is wanting sex but not having it/refraining from it for whatever reason (be that by choice or as a resuIt of iIIness or not being abIe to find a partner or whatever)

[Cobie]

Hello PanfictosaurusAsex, welcome. 🍰

Thank you very much for your post. 😌

I refer to the definition as displayed on top of every Aven page - An asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction. And, I'd like to draw your attention to the absence of the word 'never'.

'Wanting sex' is the definition of libido, I think.

[Telecaster68]

AsexuaIity is never having had that desire to connect sexuaIIy with others (for sexuaI and/or emotionaI pIeasure) in the first pIace

Is it? Who says?

[Tarfeather]

The definition of asexuality on AVEN is indeed inclusive enough that women after menopause who have lost interest in sex can fall under it. If they can't be considered asexual, then neither can a large chunk of the asexuals on this site.

[Cobie]

Hello Telecaster68, welcome 🍰

I am happy to see you here. 🙂

I read some of your posts on other threads and often liked your to the point and knowledgeable input.

[Telecaster68]

Hello Telecaster68, welcome

I am happy to see you here.

I read some of your posts on other threads and offer Kurd your jbiwkedveavkd. And fFuiBk if fge o Igbo lists,

Thanks. And, um... eh?

[Cobie]

Hello Tarfeather, very welcome too.  🍰

Thank you for your supportive reply. 😄

For me, "have lost interest in sex" is not about lower libido.

I liked a post you had about 'programming' of the mind, because that is similar to my experiences.

[Cobie]

Hello Telecaster68, welcome

I am happy to see you here.

I read some of your posts on other threads and offer Kurd your jbiwkedveavkd. And fFuiBk if fge o Igbo lists,

Thanks. And, um... eh?

😂 😂

Edited now, zero computing skills here.

[Telecaster68]

Thanks. It looked like autocorrect had gone mad!

[Cobie]

Thanks. It looked like autocorrect had gone mad!

Exactly, I had 'language' on my native language.

[Cobie]

I am very interested in neuroplasticity and this programming of my mind.

[Telecaster68]

There's a ton of stuff about it on the net, but in essence it's really simple. It's just how practising a musical instrument, or learning to drive works. Do something repeatedly and your brain gets used to it as the default, and you don't have to think about it consciously any more.

[Cobie]

Exactly.

In my words: I have one quick brain, and another slow brain.

The slow brain decides my actions, regardless of the 'will' of the quick brain. E.g. 'I' decide to go on a diet, but 'I' then eat cake.

To program the slow brain with what I really want, I first have to take out the old program.

[Telecaster68]

Your two-brain thing is one of the main concepts of neuroplasticity - I think they call it the primary and secondary systems.

[Cobie]

On 07/08/2016 at 10:51 AM, Theodora2 said:

 

[Cobie]

So lower libido alone is not enough, it is more about thinking about it differently.

[Cobie]

Your two-brain thing is one of the main concepts of neuroplasticity - I think they call it the primary and secondary systems.

I certainly first was only aware of my 'quick brain', so primary system fits. I think I was about 30 before I became aware of the 'slow brain', so secondary system fits too.

[Cobie]

I basically found a lot of garbage in my slow brain and cleared it out - leaving me asexual.

[Telecaster68]

It may be that my wife's doing something similar, depends on what she figures out about why she enjoyed sex when she did. And enjoying it because your partner does is perfectly valid in itself of course; just not as intense and innate as wanting for yourself as well.

[Guest]

AsexuaIity is never having had that desire to connect sexuaIIy with others (for sexuaI and/or emotionaI pIeasure) in the first pIace

Is it? Who says?

Ah yes I forgot, I'm on the wrong site. This isn't the site for those peopIe with no desire to interact sexuaIIy with others, ever, that's not asexuaI. It's just broken. Because hey, asexuaIs want to fuck Iike everyone eIse right? sometimes at Ieast, yeah? You're onIy sexuaI if you want to fuck 24/7 from the age of 13 untiI the day you die. If there is any point during that time you don't feeI a desire for sex, you're asexuaI!!!

The definition of asexuality on AVEN is indeed inclusive enough that women after menopause who have lost interest in sex can fall under it. If they can't be considered asexual, then neither can a large chunk of the asexuals on this site.

Okay so now every woman who doesn't desire sex anymore after menopause (which is a huge chunk of them) or after having kids, is asexuaI. I Iove how the percentage of asexuaIs just keeps on getting higher and higher, isn't this just so homeIy?? Soon Iike 40% of the popuIation at Ieast wiII be asexuaI. And I Iove how hormonaI/medicaI issues are now incIuded under the asexuaI category too.. Even though such things can be treated, making asexuaIity a medicaI issue as opposed to an actuaI orientation, but the more the merrier, yes?

Hello PanfictosaurusAsex, welcome.

Thank you very much for your post.

I refer to the definition as displayed on top of every Aven page - An asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction. And, I'd like to draw your attention to the absence of the word 'never'.

'Wanting sex' is the definition of libido, I think.

AVEN defines sexuaI attraction as the desire for partnered sexuaI contact with someone eIse ;)

MedicaIIy, I have a high Iibido (an abundance of sex hormones, you can ask my doctor!!, and a mind that goes to sexy things often) but I have no desire to have partnered sex, and never enjoy it when I do have it (though there is nothing wrong with my physicaIIy) ..I just can't enjoy something I don't want. There are many peopIe on this site with Iibidos just Iike mine, and no desire to have sex with anyone (which, by AVENs definition of sexuaI attraction/asexuaIity, means they're asexuaI)

But peopIe twist the definition however they want around here. We may as weII change the name of the site to ASAN (the asexuaIity specuIation and confusion network) :P

EDIT: ..I want to add an L in there to make it ASLAN

[Telecaster68]

Ah yes I forgot, I'm on the wrong site. This isn't the site for those peopIe with no desire to interact sexuaIIy with others, ever, that's not asexuaI. It's just broken. Because hey, asexuaIs want to fuck Iike everyone eIse right? sometimes at Ieast, yeah? You're onIy sexuaI if you want to fuck 24/7 from the age of 13 untiI the day you die. If there is any point during that time you don't feeI a desire for sex, you're asexuaI!!!

Not playing with black and white thinking, Pan.