Jump to content

Confused about sexuality


Recommended Posts

As with many posting here, I seem to have some confusion over my own sexuality. I've always considered myself hetero-sexual. I am attracted to girls. I like the look of their bodies. I masturbate, and think of girls when I do it. However, until recently I never realized that I was never really masturbating to the idea of having sex with them. I would think about what they look like, I would think about them in pleasure, and sometimes think of them having sex from an outsider perspective. I've gone on dates, and I felt like I could never push things beyond just chatting and having fun with them. I always thought that it was fear that stopped me from "making any moves" but the more I considered it, the more I thought that I didn't necessarily want to make any moves. I was never bothered by being close with someone without it going any further than cuddling up on my bed and just being with someone. I even sometimes think that I COULD have sex with someone if I got into a fully committed relationship and find some pleasure in it, but I have no desire to pursue it.

What finally pushed me over the edge to really considering my sexuality came from one of my "darkest" moments when I was more struggling with the ideas of it. I went to a "massage parlor" out of some sense of desperation. What was, in hindsight, almost comical to me (Although I severely regret/am disappointed at using an establishment like that), is that I felt NOTHING sexual during the massage. I actually had to pretend to get pleasure out of what was going on. Even though physical stimulation will obviously work, mentally and emotionally there was nothing there during that experience. It honestly made me feel "broken" for a very long while. That, if I feel attraction towards women and can be aroused, why isn't sex something that I'm actually looking for? Why is it something that I honestly and truly do not care about? I would love to be in a seriously relationship. I want to be close with someone, and even physically hold them. But anything beyond that, while it doesn't repulse me, doesn't interest me either.

I guess I'm almost afraid to try and label myself as "asexual" because of that feeling of attraction. Because I can be aroused by physical stimuli (I rarely if ever get horny just by thinking of something) and think of images of females when masturbating, it feels like the label doesn't fit.

Link to post
Share on other sites
AVEN #1 fan

Aego-hetero-sexual sounds fitting when i hear the "i enjoy thinking about girls having sex from an outsider point of view."

Link to post
Share on other sites

There are several different types of attraction, and being attracted to girls would only stop you from being asexual if that attraction were sexual in nature. Many asexual people are able to experience romantic attraction (desire for a romantic relationship), aesthetic attraction (attraction to how someone looks), sensual attraction (desire to touch someone in a non-sexual way), and many others. I think one of the most important steps in figuring out your orientation will be reflecting on the type of attraction you feel, and deciding whether or not it is sexual attraction.

As for feeling arousal, arousal doesn't invalidate asexual. Having a libido or sex drive is a biological that doesn't have to be related to attraction, so many asexual people actually do have a libido.

I don't know what label would be best for you, mostly because that's for you to figure out on your own. But I wish you the best of luck, and encourage you to continue asking questions if there's anything I can help with! :cake:

Link to post
Share on other sites

So you don't actually desire sex with women? If so, you just sound like a sex indifferent asexual.

Also, you don't mention crushes, just thinking they're good looking, so maybe you're aromantic.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Also I am not sure how it is for all men, but I wouldn't be put off quite yet that you were not aroused from massage. Maybe you do need emotional connection to be sexually aroused when face-to-face with a woman? I mean you could have felt quite stressed in such a situation, especially if you are trying to force yourself to feel something. I don't know I am just thinking out a loud.

Were you excited about the dates, in the sense you wanted to connect with them further, but you felt like you couldn't?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can and have had crushes on women. Like I said in my opening post, I think women are attractive, I like how they look. I am certainly not opposed to a relationship, although a relationship seems like it would be strained by something like this.

As for the dates, I was excited. I like talking to people, I like meeting people. She was very attractive, we had things in common. I would have liked to get to know her better, but anytime it would have been appropriate to make a move, I just didn't feel that need. I had no urge to kiss her, make out with her, have sex with her. I was very content sitting in her room and just chatting.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Again, thinking someone is good looking is not romantic attraction. Wanting to get to know people and liking to interact with them is also not romantic attraction. What you're describing just sounds like aesthetic and platonic attraction i.e. platonic feelings. You don't even seem to want a romantic relationship, but maybe a besites or close friendship.

Here's a list of attractions:

There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction (and why there can be confusion between attractions) but they aren't needed to make it valid. They can all be felt separately, without romantic attraction, and in different combinations. The desire to act in a certain way can also be separate from the attraction (e.g. sexual attraction with no sexual desire/desire to act on it, or romantic desire with no romantic attraction), but having either of those means the person is sexual/romantic/gray.

· Sexual attraction - the impulse to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body. Synonyms are sexually alluring, sexually appealing, sexually enticing, sexually tempting, etc.

· Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc.

· Aesthetic attraction - the pull to look at someone because of their looks and/or mannerisms, which is different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing.

· Emotional attraction - the fixation on someone because of their emotions (optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.

· Sensual attraction - the impulse to have non-genital physical contact with someone specific. Platonically displaying this above the norm qualifies as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). I would compare it to how many people have the urge to act toward their pet(s), though this term is typically applied to other humans. There are 3 forms of sensual attraction; platonic, romantic (which while similar; past making out obviously not being platonic, actually differ in the way it's done and the person's expression while doing so), and sexual (in the sense that it’s a kink done for sexual arousal, not because it includes sex/genital contact --which is under Gray-asexuality).

· Platonic attraction - (aka a friend crush or squish; a play on the romantic word crush) the impulse to further know or befriend someone specific. The desired bond can vary from being friends, to close friends, to best friends. It may include nervousness or admirance, and once the desired bond is reached the squish goes away.

· And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition/synonyms for further clarification)

· And not everyone is into making out (there are cultures that don’t have it), nor do people need romantic feelings to desire to make out (or be in a romantic relationship for that matter). So whether you do or don't desire it, it isn't an indicator of orientation.

· It’s also possible to feel queerplatonically about someone. A queerplatonic relationship (or one sided, a 'queerplatonic squish' aka 'queerplatonic crush') is a platonic relationship that has (or is desired to have) the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic relationship (excluding sex and making out). It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm and/or displaying platonic sensual contact above the norm (which depending on the culture may include chaste kissing, although a person preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make them aromantic). Or in short, "super best friends." They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or be mistaken for a couple. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs. An example would be Turk and JD from Scrubs.


(The following is currently under some definitions of the term queerplatonic, but others agree these should be split up into another term; one of which possibly being Quasiplatonic; an alternative term for queerplatonic for those who want to avoid the gay interpretation of the word queer, but the prefix quasi does not actually reflect that and means the opposite; nor does the word platonic hold up under it either; as the word cannot include sex or romance.)

A quasiplatonic relationship (QSPR/ QZPR) should mean a friends with benefits relationship that can involve making out and/or sex (though FWB should suffice, but it may be useful for people in committed FWBs who dislike the term because it’s commonly used without commitment).

A quasiromantic relationship (QSRR/ QZRR) should mean a relationship that someone does not want to call romantic because it is (accurately) QP to one and romantic to the other.

But currently it means this: "Someone who identifies as quasiromantic may see their attraction as non-traditional or may feel it differs from crushes, perhaps a mix between platonic, romantic, aesthetic, or somewhere completely different and/or it involves other non-traditional aspects, such as rare attraction, or attraction but non-physical, non-platonic but romantic, etc."

And to clarify the remaining types of relationships that were not mentioned, a relationship does not need romantic attraction nor romantic desire to be romantic (nor does it need typical romantic things), it simply needs to have what is categorized as romance (even if mutual absence in romantic attraction is desired). Just like neither sexual attraction nor sexual desire are needed to have a sexual relationship; simply being sexually active is. So past the obvious mutual romantic attraction option that has atypical or hyporomantic/sparsely romantic things (and it still being a romantic relationship), if someone’s relationship resembles it enough and has no possible way of saying those things are applicable to normal friendship behaviors of any kind, then it is a romantic relationship. An example would be people who desire a FWB situation with queerplatonic characteristics; which is 99% the same as a normal romantic relationship minus the romantic feelings. Think of it like colors; there are many ways to make certain colors, but all those ways are still that one color.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Wanting to be friends with someone is not attraction. It's completely ridiculous to label as "attraction" all human contact without exception.

Vulcan, feelings and desire to act on them don't need to align. And romance and sexual desire don't have to align either. Many asexuals are romantic, not all, but a lot are.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...