I don't know where I stand any more. Advice?

[Cornishlady]

Hi there,

I'm a 28 year old woman who has hovered through the asexual community on and off for a decade now through consistent uncertainties and self denials.

I was never... really into physical relationships, I thought I was, but every time I let someone get close to me, and get their hands on me, I suddenly feel repulsed, and pull away. I like men, always have done, very much, I love their company, I love spending time with them, even hugs... but as soon as they make advances towards kissing or long cuddling, I just... I'm filled with disdain, and will end the relationship immediately. I hate doing this, because it hurts people... but... I just get so confused. I think I am attracted to them, I want to be around them... but as soon as they start to move forwards into a physical relationship I flee.

I have always put this down to the fact that I was pretty seriously abused as a child in THAT way by a man close to my family, who should have been looking out for me, not hurting me. I assumed this just gave me trust and body issues, and have received very little formal treatment for this, just distancing myself from relationships during the year where repressed memories resurfaced, and I was dealing with those.

If you will allow me to TMI for a moment, I can experience arousal, but only in a personal fantasy setting, it seems, never with a real man who is actually there...

This is what puts me in a confused position. I am interested in that type of thing, but not with an actual real man that I have ever met yet...

My mother, who, bless her, was a bit promiscuous when she was my age, and father, who was not at all (a bit of a prude in fact), both maintain that I simply have not met the right person with the right chemistry yet, and that I should keep trying at my own pace.

I am just... tired of hurting guys by making them think I am into them, and then having to turn and run away when they start to do what is only natural. We're not even talking men who move too fast, most of the gentlemen I have dated have been exactly that, gentlemen... patient, respectful, taking their time etc.

I just... I feel like I am going to be alone forever, or will have to learn to fake a sexual relationship with someone just in order to keep their companionship... neither of which is an option I can cope with a lifetime of.

What am I? Where do I stand? Does anyone even know? D: Because I am tired of hurting people who do not deserve it.

[Soup Can]

You sound like you could be asexual to me. Plenty of asexual people experience arousal from fantasies. What you enjoy in fantasy doesn't necessarily reflect what you'd like in reality.

People can be romantically attracted to people as well as sexually attracted to people so having an attraction to men doesn't necessarily mean you aren't asexual. There are multiple types of attraction: sexual, romantic, aesthetic, platonic, and sensual.

Even if you do experience sexual attraction but just aren't interested in sex, you're free to identify as asexual if you want to. That's up to you, really.

I don't think you're likely to meet "the right person" and suddenly experience your sexuality differently though.

If you are interested in dating people but not in a sexual relationship then looking at asexual dating sites might be helpful. Or even dating sites like OkCupid that let you list your sexuality as asexual. I'd recommend dating people who will be comfortable with the same level of intimacy as you are.

[Cobie]

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[Cobie]

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[Cornishlady]

You sound like you could be asexual to me. Plenty of asexual people experience arousal from fantasies. What you enjoy in fantasy doesn't necessarily reflect what you'd like in reality.

Thank you for clarifying that, I was genuinely not sure whether having those kinds of thought meant that I was not asexual, and merely... a bit broken.

Hi Cornishlady, You say, "I'm filled with disdain". Disdain condems.

This makes me think that it is possible, that some part of your brain still is not done processing the past abuse. And, is equating all males making advances, with the abuser (who rightly so deserves the greatest disdain possible).

You are the only one that can know this.

Can you talk to your parents about the abuse?

I know, I dislike the word disdain, but that is the only way to explain my feeling towards whichever gentleman has made advances, I begin to feel genuine, uncomfortable dislike for them, and wish to depart their presence immediately. Hence, disdain... it is possible that somewhere in my subconscious, the abuse has left a response, which can be triggered by these advances, resulting in that emotion.

I cannot really talk with my parents about the abuse. My mom knows it happened, but not to the full extent, and my father does not know, and cannot know. He is a manic depressive, who has overcome that, and been a wonderful dad, but... to know that he overlooked something like that happening to his daughter would just destroy him. I have considered seeking counselling to have someone to talk to, but the NHS in this part of England is severely underfunded, and people who are not on the suicidal boundary tend to have to wait years in order to actually get an appointment with a professional.

[Cobie]

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[Queen of Wonderland]

Never think of yourself as broken. You're a whole person, your sexuality is a part of that person. To me, you sound like an asexual heteroromantic person, but only you can really figure that out.

[banana monkey]

I'm not going to suggest to you how to identify, that is totally up to you and you should use whatever label you are comfortable and fits you best.

but

I just wanted to leave some comments here in the form of definitions (as I understand them, though you may want to do some more research as I dont claim to be an expert in the slightest)

Sex repulsed asexual - Someone who does not experience sexual attraction (the desire to have sex with a specific other person) and as part of that also are repulsed by sex acts and carrying those out. (as some people do have and possibly enjoy sex even though they have no desire to have sex with the person they are engaging in it with)

Sex - repulsed (allo)sexual - Someone who experiences sexual attraction (the desire/want to have sex with a specific other person) but when it comes to engaging in sex acts with the person they want to have sex with the thought of engaging in said acts themselves is repulsing (ie they are repulsed by the actual activity and so may back away or be unable to engage in such sexual acts)

Do either of these apply to you?