Asexy?

[newace]

Hi everyone-

Like many, I'm new here, and exploring the idea that I might be asexual. Obviously, no one else can tell me if I'm asexual, but i'm hoping to hear if others here have had similar experiences and feelings.

The TMI alert comes now. :)

Background: I'm a 29 year old woman. I've always considered myself straight. I've never had sex and have never dated. In my mid-twenties I started to masturbate out of pure curiosity - and turns out, I like it. I also enjoy erotic stories, but I don't imagine myself in them. I prefer stuff that focuses on the woman and I think penises are gross.

I don't think I've ever been sexually attracted to someone (but of course, how would I know if I haven't experienced it?). I know that I am aesthetically attracted to the occasional man, but not very often. I also experience romantic attraction. But even when I've been romantically interested in someone, and even if I knew them well, I can't remember fantasizing about sex. Daydreaming about romantic experiences and falling in love - yup. Daydreaming about cuddling and kissing - I think I've done that. Daydreaming about sex? I don't think so.

I kind of want to have sex: both to know what it is like and to not be a virgin anymore. But not particularly for sexual pleasure, since I'm good with that by myself. I do desire a romantic relationship and a partner, and would be fine with sex; I just don't feel like sex is the thing I want or need.

I have assumed I am straight, but am too intimidated by men to pursue or date them. I had recently started to wonder if maybe I was bi, because the idea of relationships and sex with women sounds better than with men, but I still don't really feel anything sexual towards women. After learning about asexuality, I realized I haven't been sexually attracted to men either. Reading about asexuality made me feel relieved, because maybe i have the possibility of relationships even if i'm not sexually attracted to women but too scared to pursue men. Anyone else relate to this at all? It seems bizarre but also makes sense to me.

As I write this it seems like asexual is a very fitting descriptor for me. Just curious if others can relate to my story.

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[nanogretchen4]

I think you should start dating based on the theory that you might be more gay than straight. If both relationships and sex sound better with women than men, and you think penises are gross, dating women sounds like a better bet. You might turn out to be asexual, demisexual, or maybe just a lesbian or bisexual woman who experiences responsive desire. If you go out on a few dates with someone you like and get as far as kissing and making out, you may develop sexual feelings for them, or you may not. It should at least give you a little more information about your sexual orientation. Good luck!

[Star Bit]

So you've never made out/had foreplay but would like to? Then I'd hold off on a label because a majority of women (and a minority of men) need foreplay to trigger their desire for sex (every time). Being more ok with the idea of having sex with a woman more than a man doesn't mean you're bisexual, wanting sex with either gender does. And alot of sexual people think genitals are gross, but arousal temporarily lessens that, and then after sex it can come back.

[newace]

Thanks, nanogretchen - that's probably good advice for where to start.

And Star Bit - right, i've never made out/had foreplay. But I've never really had a desire for that, either. The thing about wanting sex with either gender means a person is bisexual - I think that wording is helpful for me to understand why I think I'm asexual - because I don't *want* sex with either gender, even though I think I'd be okay with having sex with a woman. I understand that for many people, they aren't interested in sex until there is some foreplay involved, so it's possible I would want sex if I had more experience. Or maybe not, who knows.