Sexual Awakening

[Galactic Turtle]

Hello humans! ^_^

So I've often come across the term "sexual awakening" both on and off AVEN and a person's prolonged lack of one often called being a "late bloomer."

I know that there is a lot more to a sexual awakening besides jumping into bed with someone so I thought I'd ask people on the section of the forum (gray area/sex/whatever) when and how they experienced theirs and how it helped form their understanding of their sexuality. Also, perhaps, how their opinions on romantic/sexual relationships in general differed before and after this event or series of events.

Sorry if this is an odd question.

[butterflydreams]

Not an odd question at all. It's actually one I'm interested in as well.

I've still never had any kind of partnered sexual encounter myself, or even a romantic relationship, but I do think I've been undergoing some kind of sexual awakening over the past year. For me, it coincided directly with transition, so it might not really apply to most people unfortunately.

I've been called a late bloomer before, but really in my case, it's like asking a water lily to bloom in the desert. It's just not going to happen. It doesn't mean nothing grows in the desert, and it doesn't mean I was a defective plant. Just that I couldn't bloom where I was.

My opinions and feelings on romantic/sexual relationships prior to this were largely contrived, but I thought everyone was like that. I thought everyone knew that stuff was weird and they were just better at doing it than I was. They seemed to instinctively understand and feel something that was informing them. Because of transition, I see that now too. It's not very strong, but I have experienced a lot of awakening moments.

I'd felt libido lots of times, but in the past few months, it was the first time it felt right to me. It was the first time it felt like something pleasant rather than a sickness that I wanted to be rid of as soon as possible.

I joke with friends that I'm basically a 14 year old girl, just coming into her own understanding of all this stuff. Of course, I'm not 14. I'm in my late 20s, I have a job, adult responsibilities, etc. I think it's beautiful, and I'm so thankful that I'm getting the chance to have this awakening on my terms.

I feel interested in relationships in a way I never did before, and never thought I would. Sometimes there's even real attraction that seems to be there. It's not very strong, but it's real! And it's mine! I love that.

Hopefully this is sort of what you were looking for? Like I said, my situation is kind of specific and might not apply to others, but maybe it's good insight all the same.

[Galactic Turtle]

Hopefully this is sort of what you were looking for? Like I said, my situation is kind of specific and might not apply to others, but maybe it's good insight all the same.

Thank you!

That's exactly what I was looking for. ^_^ I think for me while nothing has changed physically or emotionally, the fact that I'm even thinking about myself as I relate to sexuality and what I might want in a life companion and considering the people taking part in my future at all is kind of a new thing so while I may not have a very sexual "sexual awakening" or a very romantic "romantic awakening," at least I know that my thoughts are... at least departing from where they used to be and heading towards somewhere else and maybe that new place will be one that comes with some confidence in what I feel or have the capacity to feel.

None of what I've said makes sense. I suppose I'm just rambling...

[indigorose]

I had my sort of "sexual awaking" ago. I'm in my mid 30's.

About 4 years ago started going to therapy and sort of wondered why I never really thought about sex and persued relationships and me being in my 30's I thought it's really time to look at it. I know for me the idea of being in a relationship has been very stressful, the pressure to perform when it came to the idea of sex, made me feel quite stressed. Still I want to challenge my behavior and get some answers. I also never felt sexual attraction, never had sexual urges.

Fast forward to now, I've really only dated two people in the last few years. I learnt a hell of a lot from both experiences.

The first experience I certainly felt romantic feelings, uncontrollable lust (where I could not think straight) and I felt sexually aroused. I did not however ever feel sexual attraction in the sense I wanted to have sex with the guy. But I did have fantasies and became quite horny and I had my first orgasm (on my own masturbating) and it was very, very intense. There could be a reason why I didn't desire sex with the guy and that's cause he was an utter jerk and through therapy I suspect really need to feel loved and cared for before I would really contemplate desiring sex.

The second guy, was my boyfriend and unfortunately I just don't think I was that attracted to him from the get-go, but took me time to understand that. So I never felt like having sex with him, but I was aroused from kissing, but I never felt this pull to be near him.

So I'm not giving up! I am still gonna date and see if maybe I just need to find the right person, before I feel sexual attraction. But I still don't look on the street and see a person and go "I would like to have sex with that person". I still haven't had the thoughts I desire to have sex with any person.

Both these experiences helped me learn more about myself, not just in a sexual sense, but also teaching me to be a stronger person. I don't regret the experiences at all. It also taught me sex isn't that scary.

Also I had only met the second guy (my boyfriend) and not had the first experience, I may have never realised I could have sexual urges and that I can feel strong romantic attraction. If it was based solely on my experience with my ex boyfriend, I may have turned around and said "yes I'm definitely asexual and I don't ever feel horny" (because I never fantasised or felt horny for him. That's why it's probably a good idea to date a number of people before you make any decisions.

I do see a lot of young people on here saying that they are asexual and yet they have never had a partner or only dated a few people and I personally think it's a bit too soon to make that decision. I do a lot of reading on blogs about "dating and relationships" and there a lots of sexual people that don't connect sexually with their first few partners or don't feel this and that. And I have learnt just because a person ticks all the boxes doesn't mean that you will have the right chemistry to want to have sex with them.

I also will say, I had social anxiety growing up and GAD, which probably didn't help, in addition part of a strict religion, that made me think "sex was bad".

[El-not-so-ace]

My awakening started at the end of ladt year, start of this year, while I was 24. Truth be told, since I'm in a LDR, I might get into the situation and it might do nothing for me emotionally.

Nevertheless, I can't even call myself a demi since I can see guys that I don't know yet and I can gage if they're attractive or not. In the sense that, if I got into a relationship with them and had lots of compatibility, I'm sure I'd possibly be attracted enough to go all the way eventually.

24 is considered a bit beyond the usual late bloomer trend but I had some extreme repulsion and anxiety before, so I can't tell if I always just preferred not to bother with those issues. :P

[Rainbow~Sprinkles]

So um this is a very good question and something that I've been really interested in since reading and hearing about it. I'm going to share a story but I don't know if this counts since it was a one-off experience.

okay so I left highschool and went to uni and dated four guys. All of them approached me first with the intentions of being friends and then casually leading into something more. I went along with it because that was what I was "supposed to do". I also think that perhaps I had mild crushes on them but don't remember now because it was so long ago. But anyway only one of the guys I dated I had an intense attraction to and that put all the others in perspective.

I was walking into my university campus on the very first day, nervous and anxious as hell. I asked this guy for directions to the meeting place for education students because I was lost. Another guy who had been walking close behind me, came walking up to me and introduced himself. He was also studying education. I was instantly intimidated by his confidence and assertiveness so I was very shy. His friends called out to him and he reluctantly stepped back to walk with them. I could tell he would have preferred to keep walking with me though. After that day, whenever I saw him I would get butterflies in my tummy, red in the face, and would unintentionally stare at him. I realised that I was experiencing my first ever proper crush.

Fast track to two years later when I eventually started dating that guy and I started to experience for the first time what I think, falling in love feels like. It was intense and I don't think I've ever experienced it like that before. However during university I had some unpleasant encounters with other boys leading to sexual harrassment. So whenever he touched me, I would freak out and have a panic attack. I tried to hide this from him but I came off as a distant. I was really anxious about our relationship because he was more experienced and I wasn't ready to have sex. I thought he would expect sex and I didn't know how to handle it. I actually don't think I had sexual feelings for him at the time. Long story short, he thought I didn't like him anymore and ended the relationship. It took me a really long time to get over it. We'd only dated for 2 months, but I'd felt a lot of emotions for him I'd never felt with anyone before. I wondered if I'd ever feel that way with someone ever again.

So a year later, we briefly went out again but I ended it because my head wasn't in the right place. I had some mental health issues to sort out. After that he got nasty and said some horrible things. I guess his pride was hurt. Anyways, randomly out of the blue about two months after all that happened, I started to have really high emotions a week before my period. And suddenly, my libido decided to make itself known. Previously it had been non-existent. So I was experiencing all these feelings just generally and began to think about what sex would be like. This opened up my mind about sexuality and I began to understand what sexual people mean when they talk about needing sex. It kind of like, "oh now I understand." And I actually laughed to myself about how everything now made sense! Now I didn't actually have to do *do* anything about my libido. I just noticed it and tried to ignore it as best I could. I didn't have any desire to actually have sex to get rid of it was more like out of curiosity. Like "oh I'm experiencing this thing now, does that mean I'm supposed to have sex? Am I supposed to have sex to make this go away? What would that be like?" Then I just started laughing and thought how ridiculous it would be if I actually did that. I couldn't think about it seriously. It was all too new and kind of funny I guess.

I was just feeling all these sensations in my body and everything just generally you know. And then I go to university one morning and its really bad and I think oh no. I'm thinking about how all these sexual people talk about losing control when they talk about this. And I'm laughing to myself thinking does that mean I'm going to start looking at people and want to have sex with them now? I'm kind of freaking out thinking what if I see someone as really hot? What am I actually supposed to do? I couldn't believe that everyone usually has this figured out in highschool you know and here I am walking into university dealing with this. And I'm looking at everyone around going wow are they feeling like this right now? Are they hiding it? How do they do that? What are their secrets? :p I was being a bit of a drama queen I guess.

So I was in class and my ex the one I had intense romantic feelings for was there. And it was like my libido was a compass and it had suddenly found north. My body was basically telling me it wanted to have sex not just with anyone but with him specifically. And my heart seemed to like this idea and started fantasising about going on romantic dates and kissing and cuddling him. Things we didn't actually do when we were together because it was very low key and taking it slowly. Whilst this was happening, he was being nasty and making fun of me across the classroom in front of the entire class. So I was like hating him and loving him all at the same time. Which at the time really pissed me off I guess but now i think back and kind of think its funny XD

Since then, my libido has gone back to normal and I've never experienced that again. But I have spent many months since then, learning about libido and sexuality to try and figure out what I was experiencing and why I have never experienced it again. With no answers so far. But it did give me insight into how the *other side* works and what they experience. So that was my mini sexual awakening moment.

[indigorose]

So that was my mini sexual awakening moment.

That's a really interesting experience. I have had something similar happen. My libido went back to "0" after I lost attraction for that guy.

[Rainbow~Sprinkles]

Oh that's awesome! I'm glad in not the only person who has had that experience. My libido has been basically non-existent too since then. I find this really confusing because technically now I'm not asexual but I'm not sure if I'm totally sexual either??? I would call myself gray-sexual but there's too much debate on here about that label. So I'm kind of scared to use it 😕

[indigorose]

Oh that's awesome! I'm glad in not the only person who has had that experience. My libido has been basically non-existent too since then. I find this really confusing because technically now I'm not asexual but I'm not sure if I'm totally sexual either??? I would call myself gray-sexual but there's too much debate on here about that label. So I'm kind of scared to use it

The only thing was I don't think I had this huge desire to have sex with my guy, so I guess technically that wasn't my libido. I was sexually aroused though around him. I was just horny and fantasized a lot (away from him). But I didn't see him and have this huge urge to do sexual things with him when I saw him (only when I was away from him). But he was an ass the whole time, so I have no clue why I even went crazy over him at all! But since then, my horniness and fantasizing has gone back to "0".

[Adam_Jensen]

"Can you feel it? There's been an awakening"

Sorry I couldn't resist :P

Seriously now thought I haven't experienced something like that and I hope I'll never have to.

I'd rather punch myself to sleep instead.

[WoodwindWhistler]

It's hard for me to call it a sexual awakening specifically, because though I did experience some physical flutters, there was much more to it than that. 

I have this sensation occasionally, especially after I meditate, that my "mind space" has expanded. Like, I was caged in a small place before, and now I can move around and breathe better. This was sort of like that, but with emotion rather than simple awareness. 

Many describe attraction as being "anchored" down to a specific person, driven to them, oppressed or caged by their absence, and it wasn't exactly that way for me. It was more like I was gaining a different perspective for myself. 

The thing is, this was the first person to ever ask me out, and I was 23 at the time. That should tip you off as to how reclusive I was (and still kind of am). I am so introverted, that even the experience of just regularly hanging out with someone- being present with them- was weird and an adjustment. 

As for the sexual bit, I was noticing *other* people sort of sexually for the first time after he had been touching me. Not in an aroused sense, but my brain was going, hey, this person is attractive aesthetically in a stronger way than I'm used to. 

We split up- he joined the army, and said he didn't want to get attached to me before leaving, which I understood. He has plans to come back, and has since said that I'm still really important to him. Whether he wants to specifically get back together is pending. I'm dating someone else now, but in some ways it's not as serious currently. After that, the noticing other people went away as well. So apparently, even though it didn't seem to be focused on him, it was still 'dependent' on him? I haven't gotten the same reaction from the current guy. 

Poems about the experience: 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jDeRyDN-_bBPVhyEuStmOJ1nXwzBSUkwdV4gFaGohug/edit?usp=sharing

https://docs.google.com/document/d/18OsjKJB24KnwuZfe8TEpX-U40rUlT7q7I2DWo2ee8_M/edit?usp=sharing

I always hesitate to call this romantic attraction, but maybe it's gray-ro? I don't know. 

Here's a poem about the current guy:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UCGTSsvotJLK4dCBsJnXUwbC5bEpS3wOe_9kuBeEzx8/edit?usp=sharing

[- - -]

i had mine late i think (at 15) and it was caused by my (very annoying) fetish but i didnt understand that at the time and thought it was caused by certain actors in these films... took me about 6 years to figure it out but then it all made sense, cos i never went out of my way to look at these men and when i saw them on other things (like awards) i wasnt interested (cos they didnt have the fetish object then)

[Visenya]

I don't know if I can call it a sexual awakening because I'm quite inexperienced. When I was younger (about 16, I think), I felt some kind of pull toward two of my friends, which surprised me a lot and led me to believe I was demisexual. However, since I've never had any sort of physical contact with any guy (aside from one guy I kissed while drunk, even though I wasn't attracted to him at all), I thought that the pull I felt wasn't enough for me to call myself sexual. So I identified as ace for a long time after that.

 

About a year ago, for reasons I don't understand, I started realizing that I probably wouldn't be happy/completely ok with being a virgin for the rest of my life. I'd like to have some sexual experiences, I think. So, I guess I can't call myself ace anymore (maybe I was right when I used to consider myself demi, idk). I wish I could be in a relationship and have sex to be sure, but that's not going to happen, so I don't feel like "committing" to any label anymore. 

[WoodwindWhistler]

On 12/31/2016 at 0:42 PM, Visenya said:

About a year ago, for reasons I don't understand, I started realizing that I probably wouldn't be happy/completely ok with being a virgin for the rest of my life. I'd like to have some sexual experiences, I think. So, I guess I can't call myself ace anymore (maybe I was right when I used to consider myself demi, idk). I wish I could be in a relationship and have sex to be sure, but that's not going to happen, so I don't feel like "committing" to any label anymore. 

To me that sounds like a pretty cerebral conclusion, of course, perhaps it was a bodily thing when it occurred to you. Being intensely curious is still not the same as sexual attraction, I think, especially since it doesn't appear to involve anyone else. Or did it?

Behavior or decisions =/= orientation. There's always gray. It's an umbrella term- no check-boxes need apply. 

So you've decided to remain celibate anyway? 

[Visenya]

2 hours ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

To me that sounds like a pretty cerebral conclusion, of course, perhaps it was a bodily thing when it occurred to you. Being intensely curious is still not the same as sexual attraction, I think, especially since it doesn't appear to involve anyone else. Or did it?

Behavior or decisions =/= orientation. There's always gray. It's an umbrella term- no check-boxes need apply. 

So you've decided to remain celibate anyway? 

 

I don't think it's just curiosity. Sometimes it feels closer to an actual desire for sex, even if it doesn't have a specific target (I've never dated or been in a relationship before, and being romantically interested in someone is getting rarer and rarer). 

 

Maybe I'm just fooling myself and/or in denial. Being asexual is a huge pain in the ass if you desire a relationship. Besides, I also wonder if this "sexual awakening" is just a weird reaction to the fact that I'm getting old and, consequently, more lonely, which makes being single for life a bit scary. So, it could be my brain going nuts/being in denial and pretending I feel something I don't, just because I'm scared of my future. Or maybe it's the damn birth control pill making me crazy and messing up with my hormones and my mood (although I've been taking it for almost 3 years. I don't think it's the pill, but it's possible). 

 

I used to think that I was demi because I felt a strong physical pull towards a few friends I was extremely close to, but it happened so long ago that I can barely remember how it felt like. Maybe it was just an urge to kiss them, I don't know. So, right now, it's just my complete lack of experience that keeps me from saying I'm sexual. Some ace people have said that they thought they desired sex, until they actually tried it. According to them, they didn't feel mentally/psychologically/emotionally invested in the act, even though some of them enjoy foreplay. That could be my case too, but it's hard to tell. Besides, trying to figure out your sexual orientation when you're psychologically and emotionally fucked up is *very* complicated.

 

Since I'm 99.99% sure I'll never be in a relationship for lots of reasons (which means that I'm not having sex either), it's very likely that I'll spend the rest of my life questioning what I am. It doesn't sound fun, but oh well... At least I won't be bored. 

 

PS.: Sorry for the long post. I got carried away.