How do I talk to her about her asexuality

[Westifer]

Okay th is is my first post i just found this group and sorry if this is in the wronf place i mainly just want to get some fwelings off my cheast. I'm 27 I've been married now 7 years, I love my wife she is my best friend, she is beautiful, and we do everything together. Our relationship has never been a sexual one although I am sexual and desire it quite often. During the first year of our marriage sex (or any form of sexual interaction) was sparse maybe 2-5 times a month. Okay, I can deal with that at the time she at least seemed to want to during the times we did. It slowly gotten further apart and almost non existant.now (from about year 4 to current) we have sex 1-2 times a year (with no intimacy of any sort in between). although she hasn't come out and say she is asexual, she fully admits that she doesn't desire or need sex in her life. Those couple times a year is her form of compromise sex and even has me thank her, which I resent. As someone that holds sexual interactions with my spouse as very intimate action between just the two of us it hurts me to hear her toss the topic in the trash. I've tried to talk with her about it but ends with her being furious with me claiming all I want from her is sex, (I bring the topic up maybe once every month or two) after 7 years of this frustration I have grown to resent her. She still desires from me romance and acts of love but doesn't believe we need to have sex whatsoever in our relationship. So I have to say with my resentment towards her I don't go out of my way to do romantic things anymore (which is wrong of me). This has led to a lot of tension and bickering between us. She has manic depression, Ocd, and lightly bipolar. She doesnt take medication and refuses to. It has been difficult trying to talk to her about anything that she perceives as an attack on her. She likes to blame her lack of sexuallity on my lack of giving romance and saying that I don't love her anymore. It has only been about a year since I've actively stopped being romantic and i do love her but i feel very disconnected from her. Throughout the majority of our relationship I've been known to be passive aggressive and let her walk all over me, I'm a patient man but I've reached a point where I don't know what to do. I understand and can respect that she doesn't want to have a sexual relationship. I've come to accept it, but for her to not even try to see it from my side makes me feel very disrespected. Is it wrong of me to have these feelings, is there anything I can do. I'm just lost in my feelings. I feel we need a counselor but she refuses as well.

[Snao Cone]

It's unfortunate that she refuses to see as counselor, because there are so many things going on there that I think it would take professional guidance to sort out. There's way more to it than the sex, it sounds like.

It's very reasonable for you to want your needs to be acknowledged. Even if you've accepted the compromise of only having sex once or twice a year, I can certainly understand why it's important to you for your wife to recognize that you're a sexual person, even though she is not.

If this is affecting your overall quality of life, something needs to change. It might come in the form of couples counseling. It might come in the form of your wife seeking treatment for her mental health. If it continues to affect you to this degree with no advances in improving your relationship, it might come in the form of parting ways. I know it seems like you've put a lot of time into this relationship and you love her so much that you really want it to work, but if it doesn't work it doesn't work. You need to take care of yourself and address your needs.

Oh, and welcome :)

[Okane]

Well, she doesn't want to hear about it because of her problems, so the only solution would be to make her see a counselor and take medications...

[Westifer]

Thank you snow cone it's nice to see a group for these sort of issues or to even talk to someone that understands. I agree there is a lot of issues that are causing discord in the relationship this is mearly just one that has personally caused a lot of issues with me. And I guess it boils down more to I don't feel like she loves me but she loves the love I give her.and I know that's not the case but the lack of sexuallity adds to the overwhelming feeling of a one sided relationship. Yes parting ways has crossed my mind, but I don't want to lose her. We have had so many good times and I try to give my everything which feels like the last 7 years she has taken it. Don't get me wrong she is a good wife she has problems with herself and I know that causes problems with others but she doesn't want to admit or talk about it. Thanks k you all for letting me get it off my chest.

[nanogretchen4]

Given your age I also think you should probably ask yourself whether your major life goals include having children, and if so whether bringing children into your current marriage seems like a good idea. It's totally your choice, but I suggest that you do actually make a considered choice rather than just letting events carry you along.

[indigorose]

If she has manic depression then she is bipolar, they are the same thing. It's really important that she gets medicated, because the long-term effects of not taking medication is not good.

Yes, as other suggested she needs to see a councilor and start taking some responsibility. She's going to have to learn to talk and communicate with you, if things are to get better.

[Sally]

There's really no way to make her either see a counselor or to see a medical doctor about getting medications. However, you could try to be assertive and tell her that the relationship just isn't going to work for you unless she does something for herself -- because the way she's behaving affects you. That's talking to her about yourself, not about her.

Love doesn't really easily survive this kind of frusterating situation.

[Guest]

Moved topic from Asexual Relationships to SPFA

Jayce, Asexual Relationships moderator

[Guest 00--00]

I personally, am on the wife end of this topic. Although I'm not 100% similar to your spouse in this matter, I am the asexual wife of a very patient man with a high sex drive. Its EXTREMELY difficult to find compromise.

I found when we did preform acts, I would just try to mentally remove myself from the situation (which isn't a healthy practice.) Recently upon doing research, I've been studying something called "OMing" short for org**mic meditation.

This practice is somewhat sexual but mostly for the giver, a mental experience or to me, I like to view it as anatomical study. What it is in short, is a practice of simply giving attention to a spot of the other person with the most nerve endings on the body.

Giving attention to these vulnerable areas (which happen to be located in private areas) will make the other feel comforted, cared for and loved. The majority of the studies out there are geared toward females.

Then again, your wife might not be open to this if she is more sex-repulsed.

Being as i was formerly sex repulsed due to past trauma, it leads me to ask whether there is some sort of fear of vulnerability. If she once was active, then what turned her around so suddenly?

If there is a point she turned around id suggest focusing on pin pointing that and comforting the area of discomfort. Nurture your relationship back to health.

If not, i know you said you've attempted to talk to her times before. Maybe take her out on a romantic date, dinner maybe? Then possibly to a park where you can talk privately. Yet still be out in the open where shes less likely to make a scene.

Personally what my husband does to talk to me is says something like...

"Hey hun, so i wanted to express how i've been feeling lately and I hope youll be able to keep and open mind and understand..."

This then makes me feel:

1) Knowing that he loves me because he took time and effort to take me out and spend quality time with me

2) lets me know he listened to me, when i wanted more romance.

3) Wants me to listen to him, since he listened and helped my needs

I hope this helps a little bit! <3 good luck!

[SithLord]

Sorry but it seems like she needs to see a counselor for her mental health problems, especially if she's not taking medication for bipolar disorder as that can be bad.

You could also see a couple's counselor, though from my experience of counselors (I had one for anger management who also counseled couples) they tend to take the side of the sexual in mixed couples. Mine didn't believe in asexuality and basically said it was weird that I didn't want to have sex, as if that made me broken somehow. I'd hate for you to enter into that kind of situation as well.

Those couple times a year is her form of compromise sex and even has me thank her, which I resent.

I also don't think your compromise is a very healthy one, at least because of this one line. I know different couples make all kinds of compromises (open relationships, sex as much as one wants, no sex ever, etc) but it seems wrong to force your partner to thank you each time.

[Imperfect]

Hi westlifer,

I am myself new to this forum and this is my first post. I was going to start a thread but saw yours and figured this is as good a start as any.

I am in a somewhat similar situation, I will detail it more on my own future thread, but here's the jist of it. Been married ten years now, I am the only sexula partner my wife had ever had. She never was sexual and lost her virginity to me after we have gotten married. we have two kids now and while sexual activity almost died down after the first child, it completely collapsed after the second one (15 months without anything). Since our second child was born (she'll be three in a month and a half), we had sex 4 times, the last time was six months ago.

I am not proud of myself, but I ended up, about two years ago, cheating on her. Because I do not want to risk developing feeling for another person, I took the decision to go to see professional escort girls. In the past two years, I maybe went on average once a month and about six months ago, I decided to stop as it is not a solution to my problem.

You are 27, and do not have children. I am 38 and I have two. The advice I want to give you, which I wish someone gave me five or six years ago is this: Amicably divorce your wife. Do so, so you do not have to do the unspeakable (what I myself have done). Do so, so if and when you have children, you do not find yourself unable to have a fulfilled life with your family. I understand that you love - are in love - with your wife, but since you can't have a healthy sexual relationship with her, you end up resenting her, hurting her, while you love her. You are better off divorcing and remaining best friends.