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Invisibility in a different way


Starry Owl

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So I am wondering if other people in the asexual community ever feel like they are giving off different signals to other people because they aren't interested in sex? Just curious because for a long time I have felt like I am missing signs and whatnot from other people. Logically, I can recognise the signs when someone appears to be interested in me, but I find it hard to really believe it /acknowledge it until they actually say something bluntly. Additionally, when I go out to clubs, I feel a little confused about how people actually get together to kiss etc. Because if someone came up to me and started dancing with me (not touching) I'd be fine but if someone comes up behind me or tries to dance 'sexily' with me I can't really do that, I just feel super awkward and uncomfortable. The only time I've kissed someone while out at a bar/pub/club-thing was when I was sitting down and they actually came over and started chatting to me and I figured that's what they wanted so was just waiting for them to get to the point and go for it. Anyways, the point is, I end up feeling like I'm somewhat invisible because I'm obviously giving off 'don't hit on me' vibes and other people I know aren't. Does anyone else ever feel like this? I remember listening to a Podcast and they were talking about how as an allosexual they hadn't even realised how much an 'exchange of sexual energy' was factored into meeting new people, because when they had met someone who was asexual, they sort of didn't notice them because they didn't have the same energy exchange. I find that super interesting because it seems relevant to my experience. Has anyone else heard of any similar theories or ideas on this?

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I've been ace my whole life even when I thought I was hetero, so- I'd like to think that I give off "Don't ever hit on me!" "I don't want sex." vibes too.

Basically this whole post describes my experiences too.

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touching-not-so-much

This post looks familiar. I swear I've read this before.

I can't comment much other than to say I guess I've been hit on a couple times (only one I suspected MYSELF without someone telling me that's what happened, and even it I'm not sure about) but I'm nonsocial so it's not like there was a lot of opportunities.

On the other hand, I've been entirely ignored, as an adult, sitting in a restaurant at a table with 3 or 4 other people, some kids - the waiter/ress has entirely neglected to look at me, ask me for my order, or anything, and walked off. At a mental health faciliy where I had an appt, the counselor came out, looked around the room (I was sitting in a chair with my eyes closed about 50 feet away next to the snack machine) and wrote me down as a no-show, and went home. I think I have mastered ninja magic.

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Yes, I have wondered a lot about this lately.

One of the reason being is that I don't think I am that unattractive. I'm not "smoking hot" but I'm quite "cute, bubbly and friendly" and when I was younger I was "hit on a little bit, but not heaps", but I don't know if it's my age, or I am completely wrong about how I look now, but I seriously feel like there is an invisible wall around me of "you're not sexual". I've actually felt this way since I have been in my teens. I remember seeing friends who would get "hit on" and not understand why I wasn't. It actually made my self esteem quite low when I was younger, because I thought I looked okay and I had lots of people saying I was very pretty (and even asked to do modelling), but then I thought maybe I am in denial. Don't want you to think I am tooting my own horn, I am just usually realistic to who I am. I am not of course as pretty today (due to age) but I'm not dreadful looking. I get along well with most people as well, so it's not that I have this antisocial vibe thing happening.

Having said that, I am also not always clear when someone likes me. I had a workmate that must of liked me, he gave hints "saying he was looking for a girlfriend", but it only made sense, once he put his hand on my knee and started rubbing it. Even then it didn't make sense, I didn't understand why he was doing that. It wasn't a few years later, when I started reading how guys can flirt with women, that I realised he was actually flirting with me. If someone likes me they really need to spell it out to me with "I like you", otherwise I am totally clueless usually. Mind you I probably wasn't completely clueless, but unless someone really states clearly what they want, I am not going to do anything else with it.

There was one guy though, that he was obvious he liked me, and to be honest I liked him and there was no need for "reading anything". I just knew. But he was quite confident and direct and he was very confident in his sexuality. I am best when someone is really confident in their approach, because I don't have to guess things.

But having said all that, my ex seemed to very "sexually attracted " to me, so I don't know how well that theory holds-up. I didn't feel sexual attraction towards him. However, I do have this suspicion that maybe he actually wasn't sexually attracted to me, and just was romantically attracted to me.

What was the podcast?

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I've been ace my whole life even when I thought I was hetero, so- I'd like to think that I give off "Don't ever hit on me!" "I don't want sex." vibes too.

Basically this whole post describes my experiences too.

It's nice to know I'm not alone, I used to struggle in social situations somewhat and I thought that maybe that was the reason I was missing signals. But the older I get and the more confident I get, the more I notice that even when I'm confident I still seem to struggle in certain situations, namely expressing interest in others romantically or them expressing interest in me.

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This post looks familiar. I swear I've read this before.

I can't comment much other than to say I guess I've been hit on a couple times (only one I suspected MYSELF without someone telling me that's what happened, and even it I'm not sure about) but I'm nonsocial so it's not like there was a lot of opportunities.

On the other hand, I've been entirely ignored, as an adult, sitting in a restaurant at a table with 3 or 4 other people, some kids - the waiter/ress has entirely neglected to look at me, ask me for my order, or anything, and walked off. At a mental health faciliy where I had an appt, the counselor came out, looked around the room (I was sitting in a chair with my eyes closed about 50 feet away next to the snack machine) and wrote me down as a no-show, and went home. I think I have mastered ninja magic.

Before I wrote this post I did a google search but all the results were to do with the book 'The Invisible Orientation' or similar articles, posts, etc. all concerning asexuality not being recognised as an orientation, etc. none of which wasn't helpful in terms of my questions.

It's weird how when it's other people being hit on I can tell but as soon as it's me I am suddenly second guessing or totally oblivious. I also don't go out all that often so it's not an issue I deal with on a daily basis.

And wow, that's so interesting, you must have mastered the ninja magic haha. You have reached a new level of ninja magic!

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Yes, I have wondered a lot about this lately.

One of the reason being is that I don't think I am that unattractive. I'm not "smoking hot" but I'm quite "cute, bubbly and friendly" and when I was younger I was "hit on a little bit, but not heaps", but I don't know if it's my age, or I am completely wrong about how I look now, but I seriously feel like there is an invisible wall around me of "you're not sexual". I've actually felt this way since I have been in my teens. I remember seeing friends who would get "hit on" and not understand why I wasn't. It actually made my self esteem quite low when I was younger, because I thought I looked okay and I had lots of people saying I was very pretty (and even asked to do modelling), but then I thought maybe I am in denial. Don't want you to think I am tooting my own horn, I am just usually realistic to who I am. I am not of course as pretty today (due to age) but I'm not dreadful looking. I get along well with most people as well, so it's not that I have this antisocial vibe thing happening.

Having said that, I am also not always clear when someone likes me. I had a workmate that must of liked me, he gave hints "saying he was looking for a girlfriend", but it only made sense, once he put his hand on my knee and started rubbing it. Even then it didn't make sense, I didn't understand why he was doing that. It wasn't a few years later, when I started reading how guys can flirt with women, that I realised he was actually flirting with me. If someone likes me they really need to spell it out to me with "I like you", otherwise I am totally clueless usually. Mind you I probably wasn't completely clueless, but unless someone really states clearly what they want, I am not going to do anything else with it.

There was one guy though, that he was obvious he liked me, and to be honest I liked him and there was no need for "reading anything". I just knew. But he was quite confident and direct and he was very confident in his sexuality. I am best when someone is really confident in their approach, because I don't have to guess things.

But having said all that, my ex seemed to very "sexually attracted " to me, so I don't know how well that theory holds-up. I didn't feel sexual attraction towards him. However, I do have this suspicion that maybe he actually wasn't sexually attracted to me, and just was romantically attracted to me.

What was the podcast?

I generally like to think I'm not unattractive also haha. I felt quite low about it also when I was younger, but then once I had experienced a few relationships I realised I didn't want to be noticed so I didn't mind so much, it just became more of a puzzling thing I guess.

I also prefer it when the other person is confident, because at least then they state clearly what they want and I can work out what to say to them. I prefer direct conversation though, I just don't have time to puzzle out what they mean otherwise haha.

I think it was on the Sex Nerd Sandra Podcast, though I could be wrong, I listen to a fair few different podcasts.

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This post looks familiar. I swear I've read this before.

I can't comment much other than to say I guess I've been hit on a couple times (only one I suspected MYSELF without someone telling me that's what happened, and even it I'm not sure about) but I'm nonsocial so it's not like there was a lot of opportunities.

On the other hand, I've been entirely ignored, as an adult, sitting in a restaurant at a table with 3 or 4 other people, some kids - the waiter/ress has entirely neglected to look at me, ask me for my order, or anything, and walked off. At a mental health faciliy where I had an appt, the counselor came out, looked around the room (I was sitting in a chair with my eyes closed about 50 feet away next to the snack machine) and wrote me down as a no-show, and went home. I think I have mastered ninja magic.

Before I wrote this post I did a google search but all the results were to do with the book 'The Invisible Orientation' or similar articles, posts, etc. all concerning asexuality not being recognised as an orientation, etc. none of which wasn't helpful in terms of my questions.

It's weird how when it's other people being hit on I can tell but as soon as it's me I am suddenly second guessing or totally oblivious. I also don't go out all that often so it's not an issue I deal with on a daily basis.

And wow, that's so interesting, you must have mastered the ninja magic haha. You have reached a new level of ninja magic!

The sentence in bold I can related to a lot, my friends don't understand how I can see the signs between two people so quickly compared to them. Also despite never being in a relationship, they always come to me for advice which I now think might be because being on the asexual spectrum I see things they miss (although they don't know I am, I'm just a slightly eccentric person to them)

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I definitely agree with this. I mean I'm not much of a club/pub goer and I can't say I've ever been hit on, but I never really understood the interactions that led to people getting together. I still don't quite get it, it happens so easily to people around me but i must be giving off some sort of vibe that makes people steer clear of me. Either that or I am generally undesirable :P

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Ms.Frankenstein

This is totally me. I compare myself to a radio with a broken antenna and a broken dial. I am sending signals, but I have no idea what they are and I'm not hearing the signals sent back to me. Part of this is asexuality, and part of it is general social ineptitude. I'm told that I'm a horrible flirt, I flirt with EVERYONE, but I don't mean to.

On the other hand, strangers almost never hit on me, and never ask me out, which is strange (especially being female bodied, I'm told that I should basically have to be beating men away with sticks and carrying gallons of pepper spray but even though I'm not unattractive, I only get hit on/asked out once every couple of years. I'm introverted as all heck and don't go out much, which I'm sure is part of it but I really think I must give off some sort of "queer vibe" because no one even tries. Either that or I'm too socially inept to notice their advances. I'm not entirely sure which.)

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So, a while back I was at volunteer event and afterward this guy, who knew the friend I was with on an acquaintance level, told us a group was going out to eat. She said she wasn't sure, and I kinda followed their lead. She brought up biking(I bike a lot) and then he asked some weird questions about my bike. It seemed weird to me, like not pertinent to the conversation. We were then walking out to the parking lot and he asked if we were going to join everyone for a bite. My friend said no, and I followed her lead, as I didn't know anyone in that crowd and didn't feel like going alone that night.

A few steps further away, and my friend was like dude!! What's wrong with you!? I was so confused... She was like that guy was totally hitting on you, and you pretty much refused to talk to him (because his bike questions weren't logical and so it confused me and felt weird). She was like I gave you a free open invitation. I said no so that you guys could go hang out. What's wrong with you? I didn't realize he was flirting. Sigh. She told me I need to pay attention, no wonder I'm single. She said it in a friendly way, not a rude way, but like, he was hot and you blew it.

My point is that maybe people ARE hitting on you and you just miss it. I'm pretty sure I miss it a lot.

It's so confusing sometimes because I feel like I just talk to people I meet, male or female, and take a genuine interest in their lives. I like people. Then it's considered flirting, which is rude if you aren't interested? It can be exhausting, so if I'm giving out "not into you" vibes, they are welcome, I guess. Lol

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Ms.Frankenstein

Aloki, that's too funny! I'm pretty sure I'm the same way, but no one has pointed it out to me yet (but then, I'm pretty fairly "not interested" even if they were hitting on me. It wouldn't be like I missed anything, and many people close to me know this at this point.)

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Ms Frankenstein (great name btw-I love that novel!)

I am almost always not interested as well when I DO realize they are flirting with me, but that situation above made me go... OHHHH yeah, he was flirting with me? I had no idea lol.

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Maybe when we close our eyes we become invisible (including blinking), and it's like we never existed to some people.

But in all seriousness, I can relate to this post. I like giving off these vibes though.

Unfortunately for me though, I'm suuuuuuupppeeeerrr asexual yet suuuuuuupppeeeerrr unintentionally flirty... So you can probably imagine my pain when someone starts hitting on me.

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I think the people who is asexual send vibrations that sexuals can recognize and try to avoid. Just like people with good radars can tell if a man is gay or straight without talking to him.

Recientlly I was looking in youtube and all the people there was defined rhem as asexuals looked like people that sent no good vibrations to me regarding dating so I would not try dating them, something was not right.

There was one exceptoon, a girl with blue hair and very femenine voice, she actually was asexual but looked atractive to me and was sending the right signs.

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I think the people who is asexual send vibrations that sexuals can recognize and try to avoid. Just like people with good radars can tell if a man is gay or straight without talking to him.

Recientlly I was looking in youtube and all the people there who defined themselves as asexuals looked like people that sent no good vibrations to me regarding dating so I would not try dating them, something was not right.

There was one exception, a girl with blue hair and very femenine voice, she actually was asexual but looked atractive to me and was sending the right signs.

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Grumpy Alien

I think I give off some sort of not-interested "vibe."

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I think I've missed a lot of signals etc. too, so what you're saying makes sense. Although in my case I think it has more to do with my shyness/social anxiety/trouble relating to other people. I've felt for a long time that I'm somewhat "broken" in how I relate to and deal with people (and always have been). It's something at the core of me that's not quite right. I don't think going to a counselor or anything like that would make any difference.

I also think my asexuality is related in some ways to my shyness/social anxiety, although there are some on here that disagree with this concept, I'm pretty sure it's the case. It all fits together (not in a cause/effect way though).

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Ms.Frankenstein

I think I've missed a lot of signals etc. too, so what you're saying makes sense. Although in my case I think it has more to do with my shyness/social anxiety/trouble relating to other people. I've felt for a long time that I'm somewhat "broken" in how I relate to and deal with people (and always have been). It's something at the core of me that's not quite right. I don't think going to a counselor or anything like that would make any difference.

I also think my asexuality is related in some ways to my shyness/social anxiety, although there are some on here that disagree with this concept, I'm pretty sure it's the case. It all fits together (not in a cause/effect way though).

Your shyness and social anxiety could certainly be related to your asexuality. I'm sure it's not that way for everyone, but it's certainly that way for some people. We're all individuals so there aren't any absolutes.

I have a lot of social anxiety too, but I never recognized it as such (it's like having anxiety about something that I never really cared about in the first place...I have anxiety about cliff jumping but I also have no interest in cliff jumping you know?) I also have complex PTSD (undiagnosed, but since it's not an official diagnosis yet...) and some various neurological differences (I'm not sure how it all ties in together nor do I really think it's worth the money to find out at this point.)

How that all ties into my asexuality...well I don't know if it does or not but it certainly adds another layer to the "I feel like an alien" cake. Not being able to relate to a largely sex driven world might well make you pretty anxious about relating to people if you're aware enough to know that you're not able to relate to a largely sex driven world. You know?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ms. Frankenstein - ahh yes, "feel like an alien" yeah I can relate to that. It's tricky when we don't look like aliens though, because everyone thinks we're just like everyone else :)

I remember when I was a kid my Mom would sometimes get upset with me when I wasn't interacting with others they way "I should" and she would say to me "can't you act a little bit human?".

Gee thanks... that really made me feel good about myself.

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I wish I was giving off asexual vibes. I like going out, dressing nicely, dancing and talking to people but hate being hit on. These days I get anxious and paranoid around people because I would love to talk to new people but at the same time I don't want to give off "I'm attracted to you" vibes. I don't mind peope thinking I'm flirting with them but I've had a couple of uncomfortable incidents when guys have thought that we have something going on between us but I've been totally oblivious. I've considered us acquaintances or even friends but then I'm suddenly a cold heartbreaker because I've "led them on for nothing" :mad: .

I'm most comfortable with my non-single friends because I sort of trust that they are neutral zone, off the limits - they cannot be interested in me. Oh and gay circles are nice as well because apparently I don't give out lesbian vibe so pretty safe - unless I'm out in a gay club with my friends, I guess their vibe rubs on me :D

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Crylliac's Backup

Oh man, 100% this exact thing. I never really thought about sending off a "Don't hit on me" vibe cause of the whole, y'know, Ace thing, but that totally makes sense. I always try to be friendly and outgoing when hanging around with new people, so I make friends real easy, but I don't remember anyone ever trying to hit on me after talking to me for a few minutes. I always just assumed that I was shockingly unattractive >.<That might still be the case, admittedly. My fashion sense is basically "cover every inch of your skin with fabric and wear clothes 2 sizes too big for you" so I can't imagine there are a lot of people out there interested in that :P

But, getting back on topic, yeah. It always seemed like the non-Ace peeps I hang out with have this weird 6th sense that tells them when someone is hitting on them or wants to be hit on. I have no freakin' idea how they can tell, they just seem to know. That would make sense; if ya don't send out that vibe, you won't get it back.

Best superpower for getting to the front of the bar queue ever though :P

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I've wondered this same thing! I have literally wondered to myself, "Is there some vibe other people are sending out that I'm just not? Are they on FM and I'm transmitting on AM?" I'm a senior in high school and society has told me that by now I should have had several relationships. Admittedly I'd turn anyone who asked me out down, but the point is that I was asked out once and that was during the summer. I have no memory of anyone ever flirting with me and no one has ever "confessed" to me. I don't really think I'm pretty. I'd call myself average with the ability to look pretty sometimes. But I have a female body. Society and everyone around me at school implies that I should have been flirted with and asked out more.

So I'm not bad looking, I don't think, and I'm definitely not unsocial. I know for a fact that I'm really welcoming and easy to talk to. Plenty of people like me. So why have I not been asked out more? Are there unconscious signals people put out that let people know whether I'm open to a relationship? I must not be sending them out then. Or am I really just not a prospect to people? It does hurt my self-esteem. I don't want a relationship, but it would make me feel a little better about myself if I was considered desirable in some way to somebody! I don't dress to impress people, but it would make me feel good...

So the real question: Am I oblivious, or not sending out a signal? I don't know.

Glad others feel like this!

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