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Pondering Asexuality


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Asexual: Someone who does not experience sexual attraction.

Demisexual: Someone who can only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has been formed. This bond does not have to be romantic in nature.

Gray-asexual (gray-a) or gray-sexual: Someone who identifies with the area between asexuality and sexuality, for example because they experience sexual attraction very rarely, only under specific circumstances, or of an intensity so low that it's ignorable.

Attraction: In this context, it refers to a mental or emotional force that draws people together. Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction, but some feel other types of attraction.

Aesthetic attraction: Attraction to someones appearance, without it being romantic or sexual.

Romantic attraction: Desire of being romantically involved with another person.

Sensual attraction: Desire to have physical non-sexual contact with someone else, like affectionate touching.

Sexual attraction: Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them.

--Copied and pasted the above from the FAQ section.

I am very new to pondering the thought that I am Asexual, and I feel kind of weird in labeling myself. For a long time, I have felt that I am not "normal" because I don't like sex; I have no desire to have sexual contact with anyone else; I can easily go without. I feel the Aesthetic attraction, like "Damn, he's hot", Romantic attraction, sensual attraction, mental attraction, but no desire to act on it sexually. I have a sensual and a huge mental attraction to my husband, but that is it. I do engage in sexual activity for his enjoyment here and there.

My husband is a great man, very loving and understanding. He knows that I am, I guess "iffy" about sex, but I always thought it had something to with my anxiety (which is mostly under control now); but I'm still not into it. I'd like to talk to him about this, but I am afraid to. I don't want to drive him away with him thinking that we can't have any sexual contact because I don't like it and he doesn't want to make me uncomfortable, etc. I feel like he would work it out with me and we'd be okay, but it is still scary. Suggestions?

I never really knew that there were other people out there that experience the same or similar feelings that I do. I've never said anything to anyone I know because again, I don't feel "normal". The world seems so hyped up on sex and I just don't get it. I'm so glad that I am not the only one feeling this way; I feel more "normal" now.

I've been reading different posts on Asexuality, gray-a's, etc -- People seem to make this more complicated than maybe it has to be? For example, see the above definition of Sexual Attraction. Makes perfect sense to me, but there are so many people twisting around the meaning, it makes it so confusing for everyone to determine how they are feeling or what label to use. Or another example, Aesthetic attraction. Some say there is no such thing. Others say it is an attraction to someones appearance, but that means its a sexual attraction so that means that you are not an asexual but a gray-a, or something like that.

I do understand that everyone is different and feel attraction in different ways. It is just so confusing. I like the simple meanings above.

I just wanted to blurb my thoughts. It's nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings!! I find this site very interesting and I am interested in hearing what anyone else may have to comment n such. :-)

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Hey, I'm new to the whole asexual thing too. I only started labeling myself as aro ace a couple months ago, and while sometimes the label feels like I'm wearing a cardboard box, it is nice to have a word to explain my feelings (or lack thereof). And this label definitely feels a lot more fitting than "normal" ie. heterosexual.

As for your husband, idk I've never been in a relationship, but talk about it, be ready to answer any questions and accept any of his doubt, and maybe even direct him to this forum to learn more. Let him know that even if you're iffy about sex, or asexual, he can still approach you for sex, and he can definitely still talk to you about his own sexual feelings. I'm sorry I can't help you more than that.

Maybe we are making it more complicated than necessary. Or maybe I'm just overthinking things... but it's pretty hard to understand something you don't experience. To me, romantic, sensual, and sexual attraction all sound the same to me. I have a really hard time differentiating between them. What's the line that defines them when they're so closely linked? And while logically I know people can be romantic but not sexual, a part of me still thinks that such a relationship is just like being close friends.

And yeah, the world does seem so hyped up on sex. It's a little overwhelming sometimes. And it's more than a little annoying when everyone around you thinks romantic/sexual relationships are the be-all and end-all of this mortal life.

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Hello! Welcome to AVEN. Sounds like you're in the right place.

Regarding making definitions and so on overly complicated, I do think there might be a bit of a different between people who find the site and read the definition of asexual and it just clicks, like yeah of course! That explains everything!

Then I think there are people who maybe find out about asexuality and are maybe still young, or trying out different labels, or whatever, and they interrogate the definitions more thoroughly while they try to find out whether it's the right word for them.

I don't know if this is right or not, and I don't think either is more valid than the other, but it just seems like it might be true. Kind of like how some people are find out about transgenderism and then realise that perfectly describes their experience, and on the other hand there are people like me who just have a bunch of weird gender stuff so spend my time trying to dissect the meanings of gender identity.

On the husband side of things, I would take the time to familiarise yourself with the community hear to build up your confidence. The 'For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies' forum is useful to read about people in mixed sexual/asexual relationships. Part of me thinks it is always best to be honest and just 'come out' about it and direct your husband to this site too (or other resources), but the revelation will undoubtedly have an effect on your relationship and this could be negative.

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