Dirunitas Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 Today I'm bitter. Today I feel all those things I hate feeling. I'm wondering if we can make it work. I read so many threads about relationships and asexual a and sexual and compromise, but there is no compromise in my relationship. There is no discussing sex without angering him. There is no I would really like to have sex today, with out me being annoying and being shot down. Instead I'm left here alone with tears streaming down my face while writing this, even tho I wish they would stop. Today I'm wondering can I marry this man I love and live a life where if I want sex- more than once every 4 months- I'm the bad guy? So today I'm bitter. I'm angry, hurt and confused. Link to post Share on other sites
MrsJones7180 Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 I did, I married my gray-asexual man and it is still the same too.... It is meant to be a compromise but all i feel like is that im sacrificing and he is not really having to change much at all... I understand for the asexual partner its a relief when it is known it is a relief for them to fully be aware of their sexuality and in life it is nice to have relief but where is our relief where is our release where is the compromise we are promised....How do you walk away from someone in this situation because yes we do feel more than guilty everytime, we get angry we get soooo hurt and we get so fed up but still we end up feeling like the guilty ones like we are asking something that is so wrong yet the way we are orientated like most of the worlds people is that it is normal. My husbands asexuality makes me ashamed of my sexuality.... :( Dirunitas I have a facebook group called Allo's with Aces no one has joined because they are so few of us but if you use this site please considering joining xxxx My name on facebook is Chantel Jones if you have issues finding the group :) Link to post Share on other sites
Mocha Jo Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 And, as an ace that is why I will never enter another relationship. I am sorry that you are going through that. :( all I have to offer is sympathy. Link to post Share on other sites
MrsJones7180 Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 And, as an ace that is why I will never enter another relationship. I am sorry that you are going through that. :( all I have to offer is sympathy. Sadly my husband just thought something was wrong with him that even the doctors couldnt find. It wasnt until after we married that I started doing research into what could cause such a thing in life and this is when we found out about asexuality....How when you have no idea that your asexual could you stop it :( Today I'm bitter. Today I feel all those things I hate feeling. I'm wondering if we can make it work. I read so many threads about relationships and asexual a and sexual and compromise, but there is no compromise in my relationship. There is no discussing sex without angering him. There is no I would really like to have sex today, with out me being annoying and being shot down. Instead I'm left here alone with tears streaming down my face while writing this, even tho I wish they would stop. Today I'm wondering can I marry this man I love and live a life where if I want sex- more than once every 4 months- I'm the bad guy? So today I'm bitter. I'm angry, hurt and confused. https://www.facebook.com/groups/1047895541959436/?ref=aymt_homepage_panel Link to post Share on other sites
Quinoa Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 I'm so sorry you're going through this! Communication is important in mixed relationships. Like many aces, your partner might not realize how important sex is to you, but that's not an excuse to ignore what you are trying to communicate to him. Link to post Share on other sites
henshin Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 OP I would seriously be thinking about ending the relationship, or at the very least don't get married!! There are so many people who have posted here over the years who knew there were problems with the relationship with sex, whether they realised they were ace first or not, but then they still went ahead and got married. Maybe its just cus I'm not super into marriage but hey people, don't get into a legally binding relationship if you're miserable, or even in doubt! This won't change, and marriage won't make it better. Link to post Share on other sites
Blondbeard Posted August 5, 2016 Share Posted August 5, 2016 Today I'm bitter. Today I feel all those things I hate feeling. I'm wondering if we can make it work. I read so many threads about relationships and asexual a and sexual and compromise, but there is no compromise in my relationship. There is no discussing sex without angering him. There is no I would really like to have sex today, with out me being annoying and being shot down. Instead I'm left here alone with tears streaming down my face while writing this, even tho I wish they would stop. Today I'm wondering can I marry this man I love and live a life where if I want sex- more than once every 4 months- I'm the bad guy? So today I'm bitter. I'm angry, hurt and confused. I did, I married my gray-asexual man and it is still the same too.... It is meant to be a compromise but all i feel like is that im sacrificing and he is not really having to change much at all... I understand for the asexual partner its a relief when it is known it is a relief for them to fully be aware of their sexuality and in life it is nice to have relief but where is our relief where is our release where is the compromise we are promised....How do you walk away from someone in this situation because yes we do feel more than guilty everytime, we get angry we get soooo hurt and we get so fed up but still we end up feeling like the guilty ones like we are asking something that is so wrong yet the way we are orientated like most of the worlds people is that it is normal. My husbands asexuality makes me ashamed of my sexuality.... :( Dirunitas I have a facebook group called Allo's with Aces no one has joined because they are so few of us but if you use this site please considering joining xxxx My name on facebook is Chantel Jones if you have issues finding the group :) I think you are commiting soul suicide. Younare asking your heart basically something that makes no sense. Would you have a relationship with a woman if you ar straight? Would you live the rest of your life eating from an I.V. Connected to your blood and pretend that its great food? Sexual compatility is very important. Break with him, you will find a new partner sooner or later. If not what you have to accept is that you will live like that, well you will libe much worse than that, with hate bitterness and depression for the rest of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
sexual spouse Posted August 5, 2016 Share Posted August 5, 2016 I can't disagree with what was said but it seems pessimistic. And I know those feelings all too well. We're old friends. Just be sure there isn't some other factors at work first. Nothing physical or a trauma that could be overcome. If it is a matter of being truly asexual you really are stuck. I'm coming to believe you can't change someone's nature. I wish it wasn't the case but at least you found out early Link to post Share on other sites
Stupid Posted August 5, 2016 Share Posted August 5, 2016 Hi sweetheart. I can't advise, only tell you my tale and you can map out your own story. I love my husband. Totally. Like MrsJones7180, he didn't know he was asexual and I was so bowled over, I got carried along to the alter - happily. You don't need to know the nitty gritty, only that now after 15 years of enforced celibacy I am alone and sad. So very sad. I didn't see how so until a pre marriage friend commented on a selfie that she didn't like it as she was used to seeing me 'happy and smiling'. It is the small things that slap you around the face. I have thought about taking my own life on two occasions. "I would never do that" I hear you cry, but after a failed IVF cycle ended in miscarriage, the effect of oestrogen withdrawal on the body on top of the day to day grief was too much. The second time, it was after a head injury on a kids water slide - I mean really - what are the chances. That is what I ask myself now. What are the chances I will lead a happy life. I love him completely. My girls love him. My dog loves him. To the world we are the perfect family with all the trappings. I KNOW my friends envy me. In reality I am trapped. I want passion. With him. I want seduction and feelings of elation. With him. I want to feel excitement. With him. In all ways but one, he is my Mr Right. The problem is it isn't just sex, there is so much more to it. The look across a room at a party 'wait till I get you home'; the touch that sends a tingle up your spine as you know what is to be later; a passionate kiss, the make up when you are cross, the deep, deep need to be one is primal, it is a part of evolution that binds a couple together........... it is all missing - for both of us. As I sit here today, if I could wind the clock back I can't say what decision I would make. He is devoted and loving. He is also an emotional desert that breaks my heart unintentionally every day. I have become void of emotion. The hysterical sobbing has gone. The anger has gone. All that is left is a pitiful shell. I hope I have the emotional intelligence and strength to give my children a fulfilled life and to somehow show them what happiness looks like. Good luck sweet one, and I hope you have the strength to have a happy, fulfilled life. xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Blondbeard Posted August 6, 2016 Share Posted August 6, 2016 Hi sweetheart. I can't advise, only tell you my tale and you can map out your own story. I love my husband. Totally. Like MrsJones7180, he didn't know he was asexual and I was so bowled over, I got carried along to the alter - happily. You don't need to know the nitty gritty, only that now after 15 years of enforced celibacy I am alone and sad. So very sad. I didn't see how so until a pre marriage friend commented on a selfie that she didn't like it as she was used to seeing me 'happy and smiling'. It is the small things that slap you around the face. I have thought about taking my own life on two occasions. "I would never do that" I hear you cry, but after a failed IVF cycle ended in miscarriage, the effect of oestrogen withdrawal on the body on top of the day to day grief was too much. The second time, it was after a head injury on a kids water slide - I mean really - what are the chances. That is what I ask myself now. What are the chances I will lead a happy life. I love him completely. My girls love him. My dog loves him. To the world we are the perfect family with all the trappings. I KNOW my friends envy me. In reality I am trapped. I want passion. With him. I want seduction and feelings of elation. With him. I want to feel excitement. With him. In all ways but one, he is my Mr Right. The problem is it isn't just sex, there is so much more to it. The look across a room at a party 'wait till I get you home'; the touch that sends a tingle up your spine as you know what is to be later; a passionate kiss, the make up when you are cross, the deep, deep need to be one is primal, it is a part of evolution that binds a couple together........... it is all missing - for both of us. As I sit here today, if I could wind the clock back I can't say what decision I would make. He is devoted and loving. He is also an emotional desert that breaks my heart unintentionally every day. I have become void of emotion. The hysterical sobbing has gone. The anger has gone. All that is left is a pitiful shell. I hope I have the emotional intelligence and strength to give my children a fulfilled life and to somehow show them what happiness looks like. Good luck sweet one, and I hope you have the strength to have a happy, fulfilled life. xxx Your story looks very sad, why don't you just divorce him ? Link to post Share on other sites
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