Sexual Pressure

[Reimei]

I'm a 19 year old female dating a 19 year old male. I only really discovered I was asexual when someone questioned me about my lack of a sex drive, I just never really thought about it much.. I've been in a few sexual relationships normally not getting to sex for several months and when sex does happen I do it to make them happy, all my previous partners were fine with having sex not that often so it mostly worked and usually the relationship ended because of other problems. My current boyfriend has a very high sex drive and started asking me for sex only a week into the relationship, I'd been crushing on him for a long time so I did what I could to make him happy, we're now three months in, sex would be about 3-5 times a week and I lied about having extra long periods to avoid sex and it's really tired me out and I've reached my limit and now just the thought makes me shiver, I still love him though! I'm a lot more comfortable around him so I've been able to come out to him and he was super supportive at first.. But now he's asking me to 'up my game' and he says that he needs sex daily so that he doesn't get moody.. he even said that everyone he's spoken to has agreed with him and thinks I'm being selfish for not just putting out for him.. I feel like I'm at the point where I can be honest with him and myself and say that I will have sex when I feel like I can deal with it and only when I feel like I can.. But he gets angry at me and upset and I feel like I am being selfish and it makes me feel so guilty.. I just want to know if I'm supposed to just put out for him every single day even though it causes me a lot of stress and even pain..

[Snao Cone]

Uh, to put it lightly...it seems like you two are just not suited to meet each other's needs. As much as you may care for him as a person, what he needs from a relationship is sex. What you need is respect for your comfort levels and decisions regarding your own body. Neither if you is going to stay happy if your needs are this divergent.

You're only three months in. Even if you had your eye on him for a while before this, the purpose of dating is to test the waters and see if that person's right for you. If he's not right for you, you can cut your losses and look for someone who is a better pairing with you. This is a learning experience about yourself above all else - do what meets your needs and makes you happy. :)

[Star Bit]

No, No, you're not selfish, him and his friends are.

You should not be having sex if it causes you pain; that damages your parts.

It doesn't matter how much you love him, love cannot fix everything. Sexual incompatibility is still incompatibility, yet alone it only being 3 months in; that's not a good sign. Love is fogging up the truth. You need to stop, take those rose colored glasses off, and view reality. There is no way to fix this problem. It's best this relationship ends now before inevitably (and more mental damage) later. The fact that you're making excuses and he's even asking for more puts the situation at its worst. Hypersexual and asexual combinations don't normally work out anyways. Not to mention him saying you're selfish for not putting out to his liking. What kind of person says that, let alone his friends?? I'd dump the guy alone on that, let alone the incompatibility.

Both him and his sexual friends are wrong. How the hell can someone sit there and be serious when saying "you're selfish for having a different sex-drive than me (or in this case sex tolerance)"? Have they not had that many relationships or are all kids these days hypersexual? MOST couples have different sex-drives and things normally have to meet somewhere in the middle or they end; the person with the highest desires isn't normally the one that gets all they want. Him expecting ALL his needs to be met is absolutely selfish. No one owes anyone sex in a relationship. I'd tell your partner and his friends to get over themselves. I know they’re just teens (i feel old) so they haven't learned these real life facts about relationships yet, but I wish there was actually a relationship-ed class so they wouldn’t spout this BS (possibly an addition to sex ed since it covers very little to begin with). Also, if i read that right, you came out to him as ace? With what he’s said I don’t think he understands what that means. Also, don't be fooled by niceness, anyone can be in a relationship just for the sex.

There are asexual dating sites, asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN, and a minority of sexuals are ok with a sexless relationship. A majority should also not be hypersexual, so you should also be able to find someone who's within your sexual compromise capabilities as well.

[touching-not-so-much]

If he's THAT hard up, there is a very simple solution he can take advantage of, instead of guilting you into something you don't like and aren't comfortable doing. There is nothing magical about sex ITSELF that makes the orgasm different. If he HAS to have an orgasm at least once a day, he can do it, no problem. I'm sorry to put it like this, but this guy is a dick.

[Bezzy-Loo]

I have to agree, the way you describe the situation, it definitely sounds like HE is the selfish one. It also strikes me as a bit of a dick move to back talking to his friends about your relationship, and even more to use their opinions to put further pressure on you. I also worry that this my signify other manipulative qualities he may exhibit the longer you two are together. :(

Obviously, none of us know the full situation, so it's up to you to decide what needs to happen. Do NOT feel like you have to back in and completely give in to his needs, though. You have to take care of yourself, or you'll run yourself ragged and neither of you will be happy.

[indigorose]

It's so hard because you are 19 and so young. I'm not sure how old your boyfriend is but he has a lot of growing up to do. Unfortunately, a lot of young guys have this mentality and it's not good. Hopefully in years to come he will mature and be less selfish. Who says 'up you're game' when it comes to sex? That's a horrible thing to say to someone.

It sounds like you love him very much and you are making sacrifices to be with him. Lust can make us do strange things and make us vulnerable and accept behavior that we would normally not tolerate. Please try and build your self esteem up, so you can learn what behaviors and acceptable and what are not. I've been there, and tolerated behaviors I normally wouldn't because I was so "in love" with a man. I then learnt that I need to respect and love myself first!

[Vara]

I think you really need to re-examine some fundamentals about your relationship. Who is or is not selfish is seriously less important than what the relationship IS.

I don't think you "Love" him. And I really don't think he 'Loves" you.

If you loved him it would not be stressful or difficult to make minor sacrifices for him--it would be an expression of love which you'd do happily.

If he loved you he would not place demands on you, he would respect and value your limits because he would cherish and respect you.

It sounds like you really want to be in a relationship, with someone. And he might have some traits which you really like...he might even be nice and pleasant and fun to be around but the relationship is seriously flawed and will become destructive. Maybe even dangerous if he is already making sexual demands--I am NOT saying he would rape! Not saying that at all. But emotional manipulation can be really damaging.

Step back and try to re-evaluate the relationship.

You deserve someone who respects you.

You will not die alone. You have wonderful traits, skills and abilities. Who you are, on an inherent level, will gain you friends and love.

And...if you want to look at it the other way around, he deserves someone who not only 'gives in' but enjoys sharing sexual action with him. Someone he doesn't feel is being forced or coerced.

Basically you both deserve better.