Is my husband asexual?

[Marlimouse]

Sorry. This question has probably been asked and answered many many times. I was going to add to a post already there, but then felt like I was hijacking it, so hence my post.

I have been with my husband for 20 years. Married for the last 10, and we have two gorgeous wee girls. I am definitely sexual. I love sex and would have it everyday. Our sex life was an issue before we got married, however I absolutely love and adore my husband so make many allowances for the lack of sex. Over the years I have learnt to cope with it, and learnt different ways to handle the lack of sex. But. There are times when I just don't know what to do. This is one of those.

So we do have sex. Usually when I can't handle going without anymore. I've managed to go three months before I completely lose it. And I don't mean I'm angry at him, but I actually NEED sex physically, mentally and emotionally. I get depressed without it. After having sex I feel better, but I also feel guilty because I feel like I've 'forced' him into doing something he doesn't want. I feel like he enjoys sex when we have it, but as he said, it's just not important to him. He happily puts anything else ahead of it. If he's too tired, too cold, too hot, too anything, he's not interested. He has, very very occasionally initiated it, but he has more often turned me down, which is humiliating to say the least.

He will hardly ever talk about it. He said that he doesn't feel comfortable talking about sex. I have asked if he ever watches porn and if he masterbates. He said yes to both, but only for relief and not much at all. This is as much as I've gotten out of him about the situation. He knows sex is important to me and so he tries to make an effort.

Outside of sex, we are great together. He's affectionate and will hold my hand and give me hugs. He tells me he loves me several times a day. We laugh and have fun. He is kind and caring and works hard and is a great dad. He's an amazing person.

My problem is, that when we do have sex, I feel almost bad about it. weirdly, he never tells me he loves me during or after sex. It's almost like he's just not there, or he feels 'wrong' or something. I don't know. I'm trying to work out if he is asexual, or if he just isn't in to me in that way?

Help? Any advice, thoughts, reactions would be appreciated. And I don't mind if you want to ask me questions about my sexuality.

Thank you in advance...

[Evren]

I can't tell you for sure, but he sounds a lot like he could be asexual. A lot of asexuals will put off sex with other things, from what others have said, even when they do have sex, they're often bored during the act itself.
Others have said that they often daydream and just kinda, wait for it to be over. It would be better if he would talk to you about it of course. For many asexuals, sex is pretty much just really boring, and if you do it over and over again it can start to get annoying. Like having to go to the dentist multiple times a month. However some asexuals really don't mind it too much, depends on the person.

[Snao Cone]

Hi Marlimouse, and welcome

It does sound like your husband may be asexual; however, it is up to him to identify as such. It's a difficult conversation to get into, and I can understand why he isn't comfortable with it. It's still a very, very important issue to address in a relationship, and I hope that the people here at AVEN who have had similar experiences can provide you with some useful insight into how to get into that conversation with as little conflict or awkwardness or defensiveness.

Regarding the guilt you feel, I can understand where that comes from. That might need to be addressed both as a couple, and by yourself on an individual level. So many of us make ourselves feel guilty for attempting to meet basic needs, and requiring a little bit of help from even our closest people to do so.

I hope you find a lot of useful information here at AVEN. Approaching sensitive subjects like these can be so difficult, and many people here have been through the same things as you.

[Star Bit]

If he doesn't desire sex, even after foreplay, despite enjoyment, then yah, that's asexual. That's the only requirement to be so; not desiring sex.

If so, his reasons on why he won't have sex aren't reasons but excuses to avoid what he doesn't desire to do. You could have an open relationship or a polyamorous relationship (two different things). Masturbating while you make out/do other types of foreplay is also an option. Perhaps he'd feel more comfortable having sex if it didn't involve his parts (as some aces can be like that), so oral, hand jobs, foot jobs, erotic massages, sex toys, dry sex, and thrusting anywhere else on his body are an option. You could also masturbate while he does something sexy.

[Telecaster68]

Hi Marlimouse

I'm the sexual husband of a functionally asexual wife - simple version is that post menopause, she has no libido, at all, to the extent she says all the things asexuals often say (wouldn't bother her to never have sex again, no emotional connection, doesn't masturbate, doesn't fantasise, doesn't get any physical pleasure from it, etc). She doesn't identify as asexual, and I've never mentioned it to her, but thinking about the situation in terms of asexuality has helped me get my head round the feelings of rejection and disconnection to an extent.

Whether or not your husband is 'technically asexual' (whatever that might be) or just has a very very low libido, the effect on you is the same. It sounds like he's never going to desire you sexually, and finds it hard to understand how this affects you, just as you find it hard to understand his lack of desire. It's probably best, for your own sanity, to give up on this ever happening. Like my wife, it also sounds sex has no emotional component for him - again I'm sure you've gleaned this is another aspect of asexuality. That's probably why he never says he loves you afterwards (or before, or during...). It just doesn't cross his mind as being connected.

That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, and since it sounds like he's not sex-repulsed, there might be some room for compromise around him being genuinely happy to have sex for your benefit, because it brings you pleasure. From my experience, it'll feel decaffeinated (you probably know that feeling already), but it's better than nothing. I'd guess every sexual partner knows the feeling that they've forced their partner into it, even if they've said they're willing. It's very difficult to get over your partner they'd be fine never having sex with you again. But you just have to trust that he's telling the truth, and he's happy to make you happy.

That compromise may work for you both, it may not. It'll need a lot of talking and time and honest best intentions don't always turn out to be tolerable in the longer term. In the end, it could turn out to be a fundamental incompatibility, like any other difference between partners, and in the end you'll have to split up, or open up the relationship. It's hard, but not entirely hopeless.