Feeling tricked

[monkeyface]

So this is a bit of a rant really...

I've been with my partner for a while now. When we first started seeing each other I told them I was ace and didn't want sex. They said that was ok with them but months later they changed their mind. I'm now in a sexual relationship because I can't imagine life without this person. I can't help feeling rather annoyed and upset at times though.

[Lana Overland]

I'm really sorry this happened to you, but to be honest you're just going to have to talk with them about how you feel (which I know is scary, but you're just going to end up resenting them if you don't) if they're the right person they will want to make you happy just as much as hey want to be made happy. And honesly, if it comes to this, you might have to break up if you can't come to an agreement (a comprimise or a win for either side), (which would happen if you don't talk to them and end up hating them because of this change in the relationshiph). I'm so sorry that you are feeling tricked, I mean you should having had that happen to you.

[WinterWanderer]

I second Lana. Talking to your partner and trying to compromise is the best solution. Not communicating often leads to resentment and passive-aggressiveness, which sucks and only makes a relationship harder.

[Winter Holly]

I third the advice to talk about it with your partner. I know it's painful to think about, but if bringing it up does lead to a breakup, it's because you weren't compatible in the first place, and holding back would just delay the inevitable and cost wasted time. If you are compatible, bringing it up sooner rather than later is also the least painful path. I know it's hard, I've had to kick my butt to have words before, and not even anything like what you're dealing with.

[Scottthespy]

Another for the 'talk to your partner' team, but furthering it with the advice of knowing exactly where your own boundaries lie before you start. Know what you're able to do and give without it building resentment, know what you want ideally and what you're able to live happily with. Go over this in your head many times. And practice staying calm. No matter what your partner does, stay calm, explain things as well as you can, and don't get defensive or heated. Prepare for this talk, maybe even have notes. Questions you want to ask them, boundaries you have, ideas you can think of for compromises you would be happy and comfortable with. This may help you feel less anxious about having the talk, because you'll be less likely to get flustered and say something you didn't mean, or something confusing, if you prepare and practice. Best of luck to you.

[nanogretchen4]

Things that seem too good to be true usually are. For example, asexuals are probably around 1% of the population. So you would probably expect that an asexual would have to put time and effort into finding a compatible partner, taking deliberate steps like using an asexual dating service, going to asexual meetups, or starting up an asexual organization if none exists in their area. So if an asexual starts dating someone without screening for sexual orientation first and that person just happens to be fine with a permanent, exclusive, sexless relationship, that would be a really astounding coincidence.

Sexuals often don't know whether they would be okay with a sexless relationship over the long haul. In most cases the whole concept of asexuality is new to them and it's their first attempt at a mixed relationship. So if someone says what you want to hear a bit hastily and after a few months realizes that it's not working, that's about par for the course. Sometimes asexuals say that they are willing to compromise and later realize it's not working. That's also about par for the course. If someone realizes a few months in that the sexual mismatch is a serious problem, I think breaking up and looking for more compatible partners is a solid option.

[Guest]

Our culture is weirdly schizo on the sex issue. We're told that it's both hugely important and also not at all important. It's the one true act of love, but it's also dirty and disrespectful. It doesn't matter who you are, what your orientation is, our culture is giving you mixed sexual messages.

My point being that those sexuals who say "nope sorry won't entertain a sexless relationship" are considered shallow, mean, selfish, etc. Many of us, as sexuals, can't let go of the belief that if we just loved each other enough, it'll work out. Society isn't exactly in favor of ditching love in lieu of sex. So, you're going to find a hell of a lot more sexuals who say (and believe!) they can live without sex than who can actually live up to that promise. There's an incredible amount of pressure to compromise and to "put love first". Obviously that's the same pressure asexuals feel to compromise, and so that annoying "love conquers all" bullshit leaves both sides hurt, frustrated, and not getting their needs met.

Talk to your partner, understand that they really did mean what they said but just didn't realize how hard it would be, and for both of you... don't confuse love with compatibility during your talks. Any claims of "if you loved me" or whatever... that's just increasing the pressure to try to be something you're not.

[monkeyface]

Thanks for all your responses :)

We have spoken about it in the past and they really thought they could go without sex. We have a compromise of intercourse once a month and other acts throughout the month which generally I'm ok with but they usually try for more. I'm just upset that I'm in a situation I didn't sign up for. I shall talk to them again though, I really want this to work!