I'm not sure if my partner totally understands what asexual means?

[Blue Elevator]

So, I have an SO, and we've been dating for about a year. Actually, this experience has 100% convinced me that I am asexual because I do like him, but I have no desire for any sort of sexual relationship. Cuddling, etc. is okay in controlled amounts. But if it gets excessive then I start to feel uncomfortable.

He is sexual and has been pushing a bit lately, and I understand because it has been a year so guys normally are not this patient. But that still doesn't really change things.

Additionally, I do have a decent amount of gender dysphoria. I am not trans as the biological aspects don't bother me so much as the overall perception and expectation. It feels like being an alien because there's how I think of myself, and then how others think of me. So it's like this sort of weird balancing act because I have to be careful of how I act since other people might take it the wrong way.

I'm not sure what's the most efficient way to say I'm not interested, not because I don't like him, but that's just the way I am. I do also have plans to act more how I want to act which might be in conflict with what he wants. IE- He doesn't mind someone who's kind of a tomboy, but I would like to act and express myself in a much more masculine manner. I don't at the moment due to social pressure and not being sure if I can pull it off well enough to where other people don't hassle me for it. Also additional problems of people thinking I'm a lesbian and getting all kinds of crap from friends and family due to that.

[Star Bit]

Just say the first sentence of your 4th paragraph to him or "asexuals never desire sex with anyone [and whether you can or cannot sexually compromise]". Even if you can, alot of sexuals aren't ok with "pitty sex" (which some may view it as) or the emotional unreciprocation that happens during it. A year of dating isn't long at all.

[Snao Cone]

If his sexual needs are building up and he can't take it much longer, and if you don't feel comfortable with compromise, it's unlikely this relationship can continue in a healthy way. It's nobody's fault; the needs of each of you are entirely valid. People can be in relationships for years without addressing what makes it ultimately unsustainable, but much of that time might be miserable or a waste of other opportunities to gain fulfillment in other ways.

Your gender expression is your business. You should feel open to dress and act how you wish. You can't change other people's perceptions or assumptions, but you can either teach yourself to ignore it/not concern yourself with these judgments, or you can use them as opportunities to educate other people. You have no obligation to educate others if you're not up for it, but that shouldn't stop you from expressing yourself. Your partner's concerns about what your gender expression says about him aren't as important as your need to express them to begin with.

When making decisions about your life and where you're going from here, put the greatest weight on your own happiness. You deserve to express yourself. You deserve to be comfortable in what you're doing or not doing. You deserve a partner who doesn't resent you for these things. Gender and a/sexual orientation can be major foundations of identity for many people, so it's very important that you ensure yours are respected.

[OutsideObserver]

Did you ever discuss what role sex was going to play in your relationship? Are you ever planning to address his sexual needs in the long-term, and if not has that ever been communicated to him? If not, that's your first step. The idea of dating someone and never ever having sex with them is not the default assumption of any sexual person ever, so maybe he assumed you were going to reconcile yourself with sex eventually, whether or not you wanted it for yourself.

[nanogretchen4]

If you break up with your partner citing sexual incompatibility, there will be no need to discuss your gender identity with him. I think that would probably simplify things. When you start your next relationship, you will already be aware of your asexuality, and your gender presentation will already match your gender identity. This should really increase your chances of finding a more compatible partner. Obviously in future relationships you have a responsibility to make sure your partner understands what your asexuality means for the relationship.

[Star Bit]

Inform a partner ASAP of your asexuality, fully elaborate that it means you don't desire sex, and on your compromise status. Do this on the first date if not strangers and the third date if strangers. Assuming you don't spend alot of time talking between those dates. If so, then tell them in one of those extensive chats around the time other people normally go on the first or third date.

[beewalk]

Make him understand clearly. :)