Possible Misidentification

[nigeltufnel]

Hetromantic/Asexual. CIS-He/Him. New poster with a question

I think I may be misidentifying, or may have been the whole time. I've always considered myself an asexual, even before I knew what the word was. but I've only been out for 4 years, because before that I wasn't really certain it was real since many people I know thought it wasn't real. I never found anyone sexy, and found other peoples' notions of sex to be super weird and why on earth would they ever think about something like that because frankly ew. Recently, exactly what they all said would happen, happened. I think I found that person who's changed my mind. IDK How I feel, I just want to make her happy but also I think about her sexually from time to time, and every time I want to do something about us I get nervous that it’s not really what I want, or that I’m doing something wrong by thinking this, or that she’d hate my guts, or it’d make things weird to ask her out with anything like that in mind. I’ve got a strange feeling this may just be because of pressure from my friends to think this way cause they're all straight as new nails, and LOVE talking about who they'd love to do unspeakable things to, or maybe I’ve just always thought this way and have been too scared to speak up or maybe my conscious and sex-negative thinking got in the way? Am I wrong about this thought? Is it all over? If so, what do I say to my friends and family? The people I’ve had to spend years convincing that you’re all real and that I was real. Also the LGBT+ community I’ve become a part of at school being the only ace representative. Coming out will damage their thoughts on our reality as well. Could I actually just be a regular straight person with really high standards and low libido? If so should I stay closeted as straight? Am I really ace and just thinking different than usual? Maybe I'm just Demisexual and never realized it until now? I’m begging anybody who’s been here before for help. I've been thinking about this for months and finally I decided to seek help from those who knew what they were talking about. I hope I don't regret this.

TL,DR: I may not be asexual after all please help and give me advice on what to do?

[nigeltufnel]

I've also been super curious recently, not like, anything I'd want to do anything about, but I've been thinking about sex more now than any other time in my life. It's really more annoying and worrying than anything attracting.

[Snao Cone]

Don't panic. :)

If you're attracted to someone and she seems attracted to you, don't deny yourself of the experience of dating or getting close to her. If that leads you to wanting sex, then you want sex and it's perfectly okay to pursue it. It doesn't mean you were necessarily wrong this whole time; while you may not be asexual in the end, that doesn't invalidate the period of time when you were legitimately uninterested in pursuing sex and felt no innate desire for it. The work that you've done in spreading awareness of asexuality doesn't all go to hell because you might desire sexual experiences at some point in your life. If you're still young (high school age) and your peers aren't quite at a level to balance the concept of asexuality as legitimate with your individual experience having taken a turn, then perhaps you should hold off on announcing your change of experience. Start with those whom you think will be the most understanding.

You don't need to have an officially declared orientation at all times. If you want to switch from full on "asexual" to "questioning" or no orientation at all, then that's okay. If later on you determine that you are straight (or whatever else) it's okay to change it. Many, many people (including myself) have switched labels as we've learned more about ourselves.

[Star Bit]

Being sexually attracted to one person isn't conclusive. It could be a fluke, it could be due to your friend's peer pressure, it could be due to a bond and mean you're demisexual, it could mean it's rare (the last two falling under Gray-sexual so if you don't know that's an option). As for if the last two are the case, yah, it sucks that you have to correct things, and bisexuals get the same flack when others use their orientation as a stepping stone to come out as gay, or straight people going by the wrong label kuz things weren't mentally clear enough, but it kinda hast to be done, at least with a potential partner; no one else really needs to know about your sex life. But if a partner of yours ends up taking about your sex life, especially kuz they're confused kuz everyone's saying you're ace, then yah, i guess fully coming out would be needed. You can still clarify that it's extremely rare for you to desire sex with someone, so they can at least understand that you're unusual in that way and not just think "this one person started his sex-drive for people in general". And clarify that that doesn't mean you have high standards but you literally don't have the urge to have sex with anyone 99% of the time. But if you're 16 or under then your orientation could still be developing; even a minority have their "sexual awakening" at 18 20.

[henshin]

OP how old are you?

[nigeltufnel]

OP how old are you?

18. That's part of the reason I was worried I might have just been wrong the whole time.

[Star Bit]

Correction, i recalled wrong and the latest at "sexual awakening" was 20.

[Sally]

Correction, i recalled wrong and the latest at "sexual awakening" was 20.

There's no hard-and-fast date.

[Guest]

Some people just want it later than others. I've been pretty immersed in the FetLife community recently and there are *thousands* of virgins on there who aren't entirely sure what they are or what they want, so they go there to read experiences and to learn etc. Many of them *could* identify as asexual (especially women.. I see them all the time saying they haven't been interested enough in anyone to want to have sex yet, plenty of men too) ..But that doesn't mean they *are* ace, they're well aware that eventually their feelings will change when they meet someone who pushes the right buttons.

There seem to be a LOT of people who don't really grasp that "eventually I'll want it" thing so just automayically identify as ace. But a lot of these people I've been seeing are up to like 24 years old, that's usually the latest it happens. It's generally called a "sexual awakening" and it happens at different ages for different people and generally a specific person will "trigger" it.

Lots count of the amount of people I've seen on here identifying as ace ubtil they "meet that someone" then all of a sudden they want sex but are like "oh I'm still ace, I just want to fuck him and I've never felt that for anyone" (yeah, that means you realized what it feels like to be sexual) or more commonly they make a few posts about how actually, maybe they're grey.. then you never see them again lol.

Just saying, I think about 80% of the people identifying as ace on the internet aren't actually asexual. They're either confused about what "normal sexuality is" or just haven't met that right person yet who triggrs their sexuality.

[Guest]

Correction, i recalled wrong and the latest at "sexual awakening" was 20.

There's no hard-and-fast date.

Yep. I've seen people on here not experience their sexual awakening until mid to late 20's, and even later. And same on Fet. It's certainly not something that only happens in your teens like so many on AVEN seem to believe.

[indigorose]

Some people just want it later than others. I've been pretty immersed in the FetLife community recently and there are *thousands* of virgins on there who aren't entirely sure what they are or what they want, so they go there to read experiences and to learn etc. Many of them *could* identify as asexual (especially women.. I see them all the time saying they haven't been interested enough in anyone to want to have sex yet, plenty of men too) ..But that doesn't mean they *are* ace, they're well aware that eventually their feelings will change when they meet someone who pushes the right buttons.

Just saying, I think about 80% of the people identifying as ace on the internet aren't actually asexual. They're either confused about what "normal sexuality is" or just haven't met that right person yet who triggrs their sexuality.

I've wondered about this too, as I have spoken to some of my friends who don't see themselves as asexuals and when i asked them about sexual attraction, some said, they never felt like they were sexually attracted to some random person and usually it only is triggered once they get to know a person.

I'm not sure how accurate it is that most sexuals feel sexual attraction to people they don't know well. I wonder how many sexuals need to feel that connection first?

I wonder if your fet friends feel sexual attraction for randoms, but just not enough to do anything about it?

[Homer]

Just saying, I think about 80% of the people identifying as ace on the internet aren't actually asexual. They're either confused about what "normal sexuality is" or just haven't met that right person yet who triggrs their sexuality.

That's the downside of not being able to compare sets of feelings. I know what I feel like but no matter how much, how openly and how intensely I might talk to someone else about that, we could never be entirely sure to apply the same standards.

(Despite that, I'm 33 now so any kind of awakening is becoming increasingly unlikely)

[indigorose]

(Despite that, I'm 33 now so any kind of awakening is becoming increasingly unlikely)

Not completely out of the question. I'm a bit older than you and I had my first sexual awakening around your age. I'm not saying I came out feeling sexual attraction (the desire to have sex with someone) that has not happened yet, but I had my first orgasm and for the first time felt sexual arousal and became horny from another human being. I also had sexual fantasies which I had never really had before.

So nothing is impossible.

The other thing is you do kind of have to get out there and meet people. Up until a few years ago I had social anxiety so I barely went out and so never met anyone. If you don't meet anyone the odds are more stacked against you in feeling any sexual desire. I feel for me if I was to ever feel sexual attraction, it would need to be someone I really feel, safe and in love with. The person I felt those feelings with above, I did not feel safe or loved.

[Homer]

I think that the desire would come first. Desire would make me go out and look for someone. Otherwise it'd be like walking past a laaarge buffet when you've just had a five course meal.

[Star Bit]

Yah, but I'm talking about on average. 1% of the study said people either feel it later than that or never.

[nigeltufnel]

OP here again, the thing is, it's not like I want to fuck the girl because "I" want to, it's just that I sometimes think about it. Wondering what it'd be like more than wanting it. Like, just because she would want it and it'd feel good to her. I know I'm probably not ace after all, but even so I do think I may be on the spectrum possibly? I'm still confused. Sorry to throw this in last minute.

[Snao Cone]

OP here again, the thing is, it's not like I want to fuck the girl because "I" want to, it's just that I sometimes think about it. Wondering what it'd be like more than wanting it. Like, just because she would want it and it'd feel good to her. I know I'm probably not ace after all, but even so I do think I may be on the spectrum possibly? I'm still confused. Sorry to throw this in last minute.

You won't really know until you encounter the situation. If after having sex you think something along the lines of "I look forward to doing that again" then you're probably sexual; on the other hand, if you think along the lines of "That was fun, but I could live the rest of my life without doing it again" then you may be a sex-favourable ace. Experimenting out of curiosity doesn't change your orientation. If you feel the same way about sex after having it as you did before (i.e. no innate interest in it) then you might still be asexual.