Can not showing affection mean that I'm asexual?

[Hanako]

Hi! I'm new here and wondering I may be asexual about some problems with my boyfriend.

I am 21 years old and never had a long term relationship before. I had a crush twice when I was in high school though I had no chance to start a relationship with them. After, I became close to two men at the work. But I refuse to have sex with both of them. I Didn't feel like having sex with them although I kissed and held their hands. I was too calm and feel anothing even they kissed me or doing something romantic. I thought I didn't like them so much.

A year ago, My boyfriend and I got to know each other online. He told me he likes me after chatting and video calling on Skype for 8 months as friends. At that moment I was aware that I liked him and I told so. We just remained as friends, leaving the decision to be in a relationship. One month ago, we met in person for the first time. We are now in a relationship but he told me that I don't show affection and that it bother him a lot.

He and I are in a vacation and we are spending almost all time together. He holds my hands, kisses me, and we have sex. But, My emotions are too calm whatever we are doing. I was just being there without doing anything. I didn't hate them but I cannot come up doing anything naturally. So, I tried hard by thinking how and when I touch/kiss him and move during sex.

Now, I realized I have no desire to hold hands/kiss/sex at all. He told me that he is sad because I don't show affection as he does. So, I start touching or kissing him when I realize that I haven't initiated those acts for a while. However I cannot initiate sex. I just don't feel anything when he touch/kiss me. My emotion is flat and I'm always thinking about how I can move or touch naturally and sexually attractively.

I feel something is wrong. I thought I really liked him. I wanted to have sex with him. But now, after having sex for the first time with the one I like the most in my life, I'm doubting if I only liked him as a friend. Or am I asexual? I can have sex to give him a pleasure, but I feel something is not same for me as I look him enjoying sex. I'm told that I am lacking of showing affection again today. And I even don't know how to show affection.

Thank you for reading this much long writing. please let me hear about what you think. I'm really want to keep the relationship with my boyfriend. Hope I can find a way.

[Star Bit]

The only thing that means someone is asexual is if they don't desire sex. Showing or not showing romantic or platonic affection has nothing to do with it, nor is it common for asexuals. Everyone has their own romantic preferences and they don't always work out with everyone else's, so if it's a deal breaker for these men then let them go and find someone who's ok with the real you. But if your affection borders on platonic or you have no non-sexual sensual desire (e.g. to hold hands, cuddle, etc--which is called Asensual, which i am) then Gray-heteroromantic could work for you, assuming you're straight from your post.

But to make sure you're romantically attracted to them, you fell something like this right?:

Romantic attraction - emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc.

Not this right?:

Platonic attraction - (aka a friend crush or squish; a play on the romantic word crush) the impulse to further know or befriend someone specific. The desired bond can vary from being friends, to close friends, to best friends. It may include nervousness or admirance, and once the desired bond is reached the squish goes away.

[henshin]

Have to say from your description it doesn't sound like you're interested in this guy romantically. Why do you even want to be in a romantic relationship with him?

[indigorose]

Hmmm, it sounds kind of similar with my ex. I probably wasn't very romantically attracted to him or it quickly dissipated. I didn't feel sexually attracted to him either.

In a romantic sense, I didn't get butterflies, become infatuated , soft fuzzy feeling etc and so it didn't feel right to me. But I for some reason didn't mind him holding my hand, him being affectionate with me, but I found it strange I didn't feel much of a fuzzy feeling or this pull to be near him, or dreamy mindset (but I felt those feelings with someone else I was with so I knew I could feel those feelings). I think for me it just meant I wasn't strongly attracted to him. I think however I was more attracted to him at the beginning and then it died down relatively quickly, once I got to know him better.

So it might be that you are just not attracted to him, so it doesn't necessarily mean you are asexual.

You might meet other people and feel stronger feelings. Maybe you will meet someone else and only feel romantic attraction for that person, or maybe just sexual or maybe a combination of both.

Just keep an open mind.