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Am I really asexual or just scared?


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Lalalulu1234

:cake: Hey,

I’m fairly new to this. I just don’t really know what to think anymore and I hope you might have some advice and answers for me.

I’m just not quite sure if I experience sexual attraction or not. It’s so hard to say, if you don’t really know what it feels like. Do you have any tips for me, how I can find out?

I had a boyfriend about a year ago and it only lasted 2 months. I was so relieved when it was over. If I’m, with guys my age it is always nice. I find them attractive, but I just want to cuddle and kiss them, but never more (and I think that falls under romantic attraction right?). Also, I always thought I was heterosexual. I don’t even know why. Maybe I confused it with hetero-romantic. Do you have any experience on that?

I’m also very insecure about my body and the thought of having sex always scared me. I was so relieved after I found out about asexuality, because it meant you don’t have to have sex. Somehow I always thought I had to.

I always blamed my insecurities for not having a boyfriend or sex. I thought it was because I was ashamed. I don’t know if that kind of insecurity is “normal” and if you lose it in a good relationship and you can trust your partner or if it’s just me and that might be the reason for my lack of interest in sex.

Am I just a 17 year old that is scared or am I really asexual? (I know you can’t answer the question for me, but take your best guess)

I hope you can help me. As I said, I am really confused.

Thanks

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:cake: Hey,

I’m fairly new to this. I just don’t really know what to think anymore and I hope you might have some advice and answers for me.

I’m just not quite sure if I experience sexual attraction or not. It’s so hard to say, if you don’t really know what it feels like. Do you have any tips for me, how I can find out?

I had a boyfriend about a year ago and it only lasted 2 months. I was so relieved when it was over. If I’m, with guys my age it is always nice. I find them attractive, but I just want to cuddle and kiss them, but never more (and I think that falls under romantic attraction right?). Also, I always thought I was heterosexual. I don’t even know why. Maybe I confused it with hetero-romantic. Do you have any experience on that?

I thought i was heterosexual until the prospect of a romantic/sexual relationship resulted in me freaking out.

Also, for me, I rarely experience romantic attraction, so until the idea of having a romantic relationship went away, I was nervous about the entire thing. Long before it had any chance to become anything serious.

Am I just a 17 year old that is scared or am I really asexual? (I know you can’t answer the question for me, but take your best guess)

Sounds somewhere on the ace spectrum to me. The whole idea of sex, if and when I'm the subject of it- freaks me out.

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The_Renegade

Hi! :cake:

I also am 17 and I can relate to most of what you've just written. I indentify myself as an asexual, just because I do not like the idea of sex in any way and it is not that I just do not like it, I really do not want to experience it at all cost. I've also been questioning my asexuality for a while before completely realizing it. I also never happened to feel any sexual attraction to anyone.

If I’m, with guys my age it is always nice. I find them attractive, but I just want to cuddle and kiss them, but never more (and I think that falls under romantic attraction right?). Also, I always thought I was heterosexual. I don’t even know why. Maybe I confused it with hetero-romantic. Do you have any experience on that?

If you want to cuddle and kiss guys, then you are right about being heterosexual. I also thought I was heterosexual, until I realized I actually am asexual.

As mentioned by cowgirl326 I also believe that you are somewhere on the ace spectrum.

I hope my post makes sense a little and I helped atleast somehow. :)

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Queen of Wonderland

Cuddling and kissing guys can fall under heterosexuality, but it can also be considered part of romantic and sensual attraction, in which case you'd be asexual, heteroromantic. You sound pretty asexual to me, with that whole, never wanting to go any further thing? And, you'll want to think about this; by find them attractive, do you mean you are attracted to them, or you just think they're attractive/good looking? There's a pretty key difference there.

Good luck figuring this out :cake:

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Heya, because you have self-esteem issues when it comes to your body, it's probably a good to see a trained proffesional and talk about some of your concerns.

I had very low self-esteem when I was younger and so yes the thought of sex petrified me, the thought of someone getting close to me petrified me. I never liked to be touched or hugged. I never had sex when I was younger.

Fast forward to my 30's an I went on a journey to find out why I didn't enjoy the idea of sex or think about. Anyway, from facing my fears in conjunction with therapy I have loosened up when it comes to sex, mainly because I dated and had sex. I don't feel anything for sex still, but my fears surrounding it has diminished and couldn't believe I spent years "in my head" petrified about it. I was also so concerned about being "judged" by the guy, but both experiences showed me they were quite understanding. I also suffer from performance anxiety and so that doesn't help.

17 and one short lived relationship is a bit too soon in my opinion to put a label on yourself. Don't want to pry, but maybe ask yourself "was my partner really giving me all the love and respect I needed?"

I would say from what I have learnt so far it's really important to feel safe/connected and feel loved to even think of enjoying sex. This for some people can take quite a bit of time, more than 2 months, especially if you have hangups with the idea of sex. Also self-esteem really can impact on wanting to have sex with someone.

I wish I could go back to my own young self in my 20's and tell her to "seek therapy, learn to really learn to love and accept herself, question why I don't want to have sex, talk with supportive friends about how I am, tackle fears (and I don't necessarily mean tackle sex itself, but tackle any other fears, like performance anxiety, anxiety issues, intimacy issues, social anxiety issues, negative self talk, etc). Unfortunately, what I did was when I was younger was I avoided asking myself any of the hard questions and tackling these things head on and just shoved them under the carpet and now in my 30's I am only starting to truly understanding myself.

You could quite possibly be on the asexual spectrum, but just keep an open mind to why you feel the way you feel.

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As a 17 year old, it is perfectly normal to feel anxious about your body and how others perceive it, both teenagers and the patriarchy are total dicks when it comes to telling people how acceptable and attractive their bodies are.

It could be that you only experience romantic attraction and are therefore asexual, however it's not unusual for sexual people to require a bit of emotional connectivity and trust to want to escalate kissing and cuddling to sex. It's also not abnormal to have never met someone by the age of 17 who really gets your motor going. I didn't fall in love for the first time till I was 20.

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