Defective

[Emery.]

I can't help feeling defective as a woman. I wish I knew how it is to have maternal feelings, but I'm just disgusted with babies snd they annoy me as heck. Plus, my mind is completely dirty and I feel like beating people up when I get angry. My question is an existential "Why?!" And how come did that happen, why am I like this. I feel like I'm lacking something, no matter how hard I try, I am still the same tall gal strong like dude and who is mistaken for a boy in a dress, because her brain has a freakin deficit she is not able to compensate for. Why am I such a wierdo? I can't imagine how anyone would want to date me, completely defective as a female, not a piece of mental flesh about it, still mentally a crossdressed dude, and also not a man either because I am a female. Cyborg female. Not a human one at all. To be honest, maternal instinct creeps me out, it feels completely alien to me, even though I know I was supposed to have it. But I envy so much and ponder how come I was born a female and don't have it, why it feels so alien, foreign, empty, so 404:not found.

[Nylocke]

Identifying fully as a female makes me feel "defective" too actually. I also don't like children or babies. I actually get annoyed whenever my folks push the idea on me. Of course they mostly make me feel like that having children is my only purpose in life so that's quiet troublesome. Over time I've been constantly bombarded by my family about femininity and what femininity means and "acting female". At one point it even sent me into a gender identity crisis which eventually lead me to discover that I am genderqueer.

It sounds like you've had a pretty rough road exploring your gender identity but if you don't identify fully in as a female then don't. I know for me out of 100% only 20% of me even feels like a female ...

[Emery.]

They never pushed chirldbearing on me, but honsetly, but I don't get the deal with my mom going on about children all the time and trying to make me into a doll or something. My family doesn't even acknowledge the fact that I don't behave like a female.

You're right, I went a tad too far with the identifying thingy. Nevertheless, I'm still curious how it feels like and I know too well I won't ever get to know. I don't know if it's a curse or maybe a bliss.

[kaysir]

I don't know how often I feel like this, but I do know how I usually deal with it. I'm lucky that my direct family is no where near as traditional or conservative as most of the people around us, not that there are too many extremists nearby, and that could have something to do with my being not-so-worried about how I think and act, but also I enjoy being "different" out of spite.

Maybe you could benefit from a similar point of view? Embracing your mentality as a diss to the world, or maybe just because you can. There are other ways of becoming comfortable with yourself, of course, but I've always liked being a hater toward the people who try to attach roles to others.

Anyway, maternal instinct and boyish roughness and all that aren't too important when it comes down to it. Most people are like that because we're taught to be like that, though hormone levels can play a part. If you never took to those teachings it's not surprising you don't feel ladylike or motherly. Even some of the most femme, womanhood-loving, old value-driven dfab girls don't have any maternal instincts and such. It doesn't make them less of a woman or less of a human.

What it means for you may be different, and your aversion to feminine things could very well be related to what you are, but a boyish personality and lack of familial and docile feelings don't necessarily cut you off from women. I hope you aren't too hard on yourself for seeming too unlike whichever gender you may be. There's no wrong way to be a girl and there's no wrong way to be anything else either. If you're deciding what to call yourself based on what you feel is wrong- or what you DO wrong (get angry, don't feel motherly, think dirty thoughts, etc)- you might want to take a break and look at what feels right and what you do correctly. Gender euphoric type stuff.

[OttRInvy]

Note: Most of this post is me saying things you probably already know. I just posted this because I think it's important to have a reminder every once in awhile when we're hurting so much that it's hard to rationalize things that we normally know are true. I hope I came off as more comforting/affirming rather than judgemental.

I wish I knew how it is to have maternal feelings, but I'm just disgusted with babies snd they annoy me as heck... To be honest, maternal instinct creeps me out, it feels completely alien to me, even though I know I was supposed to have it.

There are plenty of girls/women who don't have maternal instincts. I remember in high school, we were on a field trip and I heard three girls ahead of me say "Awww!" I perked up, and immediately tried craning my head to see what they were referring to (I was hoping it was a dog, but I would have also accepted a kitten or otherwise furry creature). Instead, it was a baby being held by a woman. I was, to say the least, disappointed.

Flash forward two years: now, I greatly enjoy being around my nieces and nephews and younger cousins. I still don't like babies that much, but I love hanging out with those aged 3-7. I'm very protective of them and I find them cute when they aren't doing the gross things they tend to do (so, soooo many bodily fluids, bleh). I don't really see it as maternal, though. My personality is one of protecting those close to me, or those I perceive as vulnerable.

I think maternal instincts are very much narrowly defined by society. "You have to find babies adorable and you need to want 20 of them and you should fantasize about motherhood!!!!" In reality, females have a variety of experiences with children. There are those who want biological children, but can't have them, so they choose to adopt. There's those who enjoy being an Aunt, but prefer the freedom of not having to worry about their own children, so they choose not to have kids. There are women who feel forced to enjoy children, that they have kids and struggle to show them the love that the child needs. There are women who wanted kids as young girls, but changed their minds as they matured and decided to travel the world/be more career-oriented. There are women who choose to not become mothers until they're 60 years old.

I understand the frustration of living in a society that narrates one way of being female, but I hope you take comfort in the fact that what the media tries to portray isn't reality. Women make a range of choices in their lives and children are one of them. The variety of women's choices to have children reflect the variety of women's desires for children. Not every childless woman is childless because she's suppressing her raging, feminine desire for kiddos. Some women just don't really care for kids, and that's okay.

Plus, my mind is completely dirty and I feel like beating people up when I get angry.

Once again, this is more of an issue with the portrayal of women. I know plenty of women who get angry/have violent desires. But a lot of them don't express it, as it's frowned upon to even talk about violent urges. When women get "violent" on TV, it's usually shown as a slap to the face of some insensitive guy and then a short sentence ("you ass!") before storming off. I don't know about you, but if I'm angry enough to hit someone, I'm going to go for the eyes (and at least pull out some of their hair). I realize that I'm not female, so that probably doesn't help too much, but I don't think violent ideation is a masculine thing. It's more a human thing, that's been encouraged for little boys to emulate and discouraged for little girls. As far as a "dirty" mind, once again, I know quite a few females who are just as "dirty minded" as any male.

Specific instance/TMI:

I was at a meeting for my college's writing club. Our advisor (aka university staff member) wasn't there that day, so the feeling of the room was a lot more informal. We were talking about local writers and a female member brought up two local writers (a couple) when we were discussing potential collaborators with the club. The female member and male member sitting next to her shared a look.

Female member: "...those two are so attractive, though, am I right? Like, just super hot"

Male member: "I wouldn't mind joining the two of them in the bedroom"

Female member: "Oh my god, yes! I wish."

...no matter how hard I try, I am still the same tall gal strong like dude and who is mistaken for a boy in a dress, because her brain has a freakin deficit she is not able to compensate for.

I'm not sure if you meant "boy in a dress" more metaphorically, but either way: I would suggest giving yourself permission to wear whatever/act however you feel is right, regardless of how much others may read it as "masculine" or "feminine." If you feel like your putting on a dress just to prove something to someone else (or just society at large), consider wearing something else. If you feel that your acting more submissive or more assertive just to be perceived by others as girly or boyish, try reminding yourself that you don't need to be constrained by the label "female." Being a woman is not supposed to be some sort of hellscape that is meant to drown you in hot pink lipstick and floral designs and "Good Housekeeping."

defective as a woman... why am I like this. I feel like I'm lacking something, no matter how hard I try... [my] brain has a freakin deficit [i am] not able to compensate for. Why am I such a wierdo? I can't imagine how anyone would want to date me, completely defective as a female... Not a human one at all.

You're not defective as a woman. There is no such thing as being correct or incorrect as your gender. Sometimes we are forced or choose gender identities that don't fit us that well, but if you feel that you are a certain gender, no one can tell you that you "aren't doing it right." There's no correct way to be male, female, genderfluid, agender, etc.

If going with the label "female" makes you feel that you aren't doing it right, you might want to consider other options. Now, this doesn't mean you have to completely abandon the label. You might want to try describing yourself as "boyish female," "tomboy (girl)," "androgynous girl," "demifemale," etc. Even if it's just a label you keep to yourself, it might make you feel better about the stress of not fitting the stereotype that generally comes with the term of just "female."

Also, with dressing: you might want to try wearing a mixture of "men's" clothes and "women's" clothes. Even if it's something as silly as wearing men's socks, with all your other clothes "women's," it might help you feel less like your parading around as the girliest girl to ever girl. If you feel like there are parts of you that are masculine, it can be stressful to say, "well, that's my personality/what I feel is right, but if I'm female, I need to be a female properly."

Try to remember to be kind to yourself. Being female doesn't mean following a strict set of rules. "Female" encompasses a wide range of people, with a wide range of opinions on children, emotions, social interaction, dating, politics, education, and how they want to operate in those areas. Female is just one way to be human. And if "female" feels too stifling, you absolutely deserve to set aside the label or adjust it however you see fit to make it work better for you. There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling, and there's nothing wrong with labeling yourself in whatever way fits you best, regardless of others' perceptions. Good luck, Emery. :)

[Nylocke]

They never pushed chirldbearing on me, but honsetly, but I don't get the deal with my mom going on about children all the time and trying to make me into a doll or something. My family doesn't even acknowledge the fact that I don't behave like a female.

You're right, I went a tad too far with the identifying thingy. Nevertheless, I'm still curious how it feels like and I know too well I won't ever get to know. I don't know if it's a curse or maybe a bliss.

My folks often acknowledge the fact that I don't act feminine. Of course they do this in the most negative way possibly. My mom told me yesterday that I will never get a man because I don't shave my legs ... I told her that I don't need another human being to complete me like the rest of them.

[Emery.]

Lots of self-bashing, isn't it?

Thank you for reassurance a lot Invictus, Sirkay and Nylocke. I think that's what I needed :)

The concepts of right and wrong ways of doing thibgs can sonetimes be overwhelming.

[Lexikat]

I can't help feeling defective as a woman. I wish I knew how it is to have maternal feelings, but I'm just disgusted with babies snd they annoy me as heck. Plus, my mind is completely dirty and I feel like beating people up when I get angry. My question is an existential "Why?!" And how come did that happen, why am I like this. I feel like I'm lacking something, no matter how hard I try, I am still the same tall gal strong like dude and who is mistaken for a boy in a dress, because her brain has a freakin deficit she is not able to compensate for. Why am I such a wierdo? I can't imagine how anyone would want to date me, completely defective as a female, not a piece of mental flesh about it, still mentally a crossdressed dude, and also not a man either because I am a female. Cyborg female. Not a human one at all. To be honest, maternal instinct creeps me out, it feels completely alien to me, even though I know I was supposed to have it. But I envy so much and ponder how come I was born a female and don't have it, why it feels so alien, foreign, empty, so 404:not found.

I feel almost exactly the same way. You are not defective!

[Cobie]

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[Cobie]

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