Maybe I'm not asexual after all (very TMI)

[Nailgun-mishap]

I had my first sexual experience last night, and I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. I'm honestly questioning my asexuality right now.

I have a male friend and co worker who is very attracted to me. This is the same guy I mentioned in my 'Am I having a squish?' thread. We had a drink after I got off work. He asked me if I wanted to spend the night at his house so we could watch a movie and cuddle, to which I said yes.

I don't know how to put a spoiler/TMI tag in (maybe someone could do that for me?) but this is where it gets more explicit, so if you're not comfortable with that don't read any further.

Since I didn't want to sleep in my work uniform, I took it off. I was laying beside him in my bra and panties, and let him admire me. We were watching The Crow and started making out. He crawled on top of me, started kissing my body and going lower each time. He slipped his hand into my panties, massaged my clit and asked, "Is this okay? Do you want me to stop?"

For a split second, I thought 'We're just friends. I should probably tell him to stop.' but instead I said, "No, keep going." because I was getting a little aroused. Needless to say, my panties were soon discarded and he was eagerly going down on me as well as fingering me.

It felt really good, and I liked it a lot. He also sucked on my tits, which felt rather odd. I almost laughed because it felt so weird.

Long story short, I got eaten and fingered last night and I loved it. Next time I see this guy we might go all the way and the more I think about it, the more I want it to happen.

Which brings me to my point. Maybe I'm not actually asexual? Perhaps I thought I was because I'm still a virgin, or maybe I really am asexual/grey a. I just don't know! I'm really confused right now. Is it possible to be asexual and want or like sex or oral sex?

[Urchin]

You can be asexual and still like sex. You are not asexual if you feel sexual attraction all the time. I can't tell if you did feel sexual attraction or not since, I'm not you.

[indigorose]

Well I for one thinks that's cool! I don't know you're backstory to why you thought you were asexual, but it's sounds like you put some new puzzle pieces together. I'm jealous.

I'm new to this community, but from what I understand if you desire to have sex and enjoy it, then no you are not asexual.

[El-not-so-ace]

This is going to turn into an "asexuality definition war" again, isn't it?

If I read your post on any other forum, I'd have assumed that you are a sexual virgin. But we can't assume anything for you, so I can't say.

All I will say is that, especially for women, we get responsive desire much more than men do on average. So the desire to continue with those activities only really appears once some kind of foreplay is happening. Only you know what you feel and want... If you feel like you're not an asexual, drop the label. No one will like you less here just because of it. Well, if anyone does, they're a jerk. :P

[Autumn Season]

Congrats! It sounds like you had a nice experience with a respectful guy and can get more of it. Personally I already call would you had "sex" and wanting it again "sexual". All in all, only you can say which label is best for you and you can switch them with time.

[Queen of Wonderland]

There're lots of ace people who like sex friend, that doesn't mean your sexuality is something you thought it wasn't. Obviously you are not sex repulsed at all, (and congrats about this, he sounds nice I hope it goes well ). Wanting it again is not sexual in my opinion, because it sounds like you want it again because you like him (romantically?) and you liked the pleasure. If there's attraction, you're obviously not ace; maybe grey-ace, because you thought you were ace and now you like him, doesn't mean you experience sexual attraction like an allosexual person. I don't think demi, because honestly you said you were really just friends with him up until this point so I doubt you have a deep meaningful emotional connection enough for this to be a demisexual thing just yet. But that's just my thoughts. Either way, I wouldn't stress about this too much, just have fun and if it changes your thoughts on your sexuality, then it is what it is.

[Queen of Wonderland]

Well I for one thinks that's cool! I don't know you're backstory to why you thought you were asexual, but it's sounds like you put some new puzzle pieces together. I'm jealous.

I'm new to this community, but from what I understand if you desire to have sex and enjoy it, then no you are not asexual.

Enjoying sex and desiring it doesn't mean you aren't asexual. The only thing that would make OP not asexual would be if she felt attraction to him, there're lots of ace people who like sex.

[Telecaster68]

"Enjoying sex and desiring it doesn't mean you aren't asexual."

It pretty much does, assuming the desiring doesn't mean purely for your partners sake, or to get pregnant, etc.

[Star Bit]

If you want sex that's not ace, but if you only enjoy it that's ace. Have you ever had foreplay before? A majority of sexual women need it to trigger their desire for sex.

@Queen of Wonderland

Take out "and desiring it" in your second comment and i agree. There's a difference between enjoyment and desire. They're normally together but not always. Sexual attraction just means desiring sex with someone specific where as sexual desire is desiring it in general. Asexuals do not desire sex at all. And it's because of the banner definition that we get completely normal sexual people (that don't feel sexual attraction but desire sex for other reasons, which consists of half the sexual population) identifying as asexual. That's why there're people pushing for a desire based definition.

@El-not-so-ace

Just to clarify because you didn't, having responsive desire means someone is sexual, not asexual. A majority of sexual women and a minority of sexual men are like this.

[dissolved]

The more I think about it, the more I want it to happen.

Ding ding ding! We have a sexual winner 8)

For some people, it takes a decent experience to actually trigger the desire for sex and it's soooo normal! Also sounds like you experience responsive desire which is really common for female bodied folk.

[El-not-so-ace]

There're lots of ace people who like sex friend, that doesn't mean your sexuality is something you thought it wasn't. Obviously you are not sex repulsed at all, (and congrats about this, he sounds nice I hope it goes well ). Wanting it again is not sexual in my opinion, because it sounds like you want it again because you like him (romantically?) and you liked the pleasure. If there's attraction, you're obviously not ace; maybe grey-ace, because you thought you were ace and now you like him, doesn't mean you experience sexual attraction like an allosexual person. I don't think demi, because honestly you said you were really just friends with him up until this point so I doubt you have a deep meaningful emotional connection enough for this to be a demisexual thing just yet. But that's just my thoughts. Either way, I wouldn't stress about this too much, just have fun and if it changes your thoughts on your sexuality, then it is what it is.

"Liked him and liked the pleasure" sounds kinda sexual. But it's just my opinion on it. Even my sexual friends (pretty much all women) don't all experience attraction on a frequent basis, some even quite rarely, but they just know that they wouldn't live their entire lives without it if they had the choice.

[Hooded_Crow]

Hey :) Glad to hear you had such a positive first experience!

I think what's most important right now is that you don't stress or panic over it. It's okay, you don't have to figure everything out right now. I'd suggest you just go with your feelings and explore whatever you feel like exploring. Then, after a while, maybe a pattern will emerge that will make your sexuality clearer to you :) Until then, well, enjoy!

For what it's worth, I've been on the receiving end of oral sex with my partner, and enjoyed it because 1. I love him and he was very sweet and eager and curious about exploring stuff, and 2. it felt physically nice ^^

Still asexual here *waves*

But yeah, that's just me.

Just see where it goes and don't worry :)

[Queen of Wonderland]

There're lots of ace people who like sex friend, that doesn't mean your sexuality is something you thought it wasn't. Obviously you are not sex repulsed at all, (and congrats about this, he sounds nice I hope it goes well ). Wanting it again is not sexual in my opinion, because it sounds like you want it again because you like him (romantically?) and you liked the pleasure. If there's attraction, you're obviously not ace; maybe grey-ace, because you thought you were ace and now you like him, doesn't mean you experience sexual attraction like an allosexual person. I don't think demi, because honestly you said you were really just friends with him up until this point so I doubt you have a deep meaningful emotional connection enough for this to be a demisexual thing just yet. But that's just my thoughts. Either way, I wouldn't stress about this too much, just have fun and if it changes your thoughts on your sexuality, then it is what it is.

"Liked him and liked the pleasure" sounds kinda sexual. But it's just my opinion on it. Even my sexual friends (pretty much all women) don't all experience attraction on a frequent basis, some even quite rarely, but they just know that they wouldn't live their entire lives without it if they had the choice.

I meant liked him, as in romantically. And liking the pleasure doesn't mean anything, there're ace people who masturbate for that reason, doesn't make them less ace, or at least that's what I think.

(and apparently my definition of ace is wrong, because I didn't think it had anything to do with desiring sex, just the whole attraction thing. Am I wrong?)

[Telecaster68]

It's just that for most of the sexuals posting on here, none of the 97 versions of 'attraction' used have much to do with how we experience wanting sex with someone and asexuals can't pin it down because they never experience it, so it's not very useful as a concept. Just have a look at the number of threads about it.

Try asking yourself:

- Would I be distressed at the thought of never having sex again?

- If my partner never initiated sex, would I initiate it?

- In a relationship, does sex give me an intense high and feeling of bonding that I can't get any other way?

I'm not claiming any scientific robustness for this, it's pretty back of an envelope, but sexuals will say yes to those questions, asexuals will say no, as a rule of thumb.

[argar]

It seems like it was a new and unexpected experience for you, and I am glad you enjoyed it.

That said, one experience doesn't define who you are.

Only time can do that.

For right now I would suggest being open and honest about your feelings and misgivings with this individual, and continue to enjoy the experience.

If at any point you feel uncomfortable, don't be afraid to express those feelings as well.

Now I am in the mood to see The Crow. Lol

[Star Bit]

Yes, the whole definition of being sexual is desiring sex. Because asexuals don't experience it they often have misconceptions on what it is. And the sexuals who think they're ace either want to be special or are horribly misinformed because male sexuality has inaccurately become the default idea of sexuality.

[binary suns]

There're lots of ace people who like sex friend, that doesn't mean your sexuality is something you thought it wasn't. Obviously you are not sex repulsed at all, (and congrats about this, he sounds nice I hope it goes well ). Wanting it again is not sexual in my opinion, because it sounds like you want it again because you like him (romantically?) and you liked the pleasure. If there's attraction, you're obviously not ace; maybe grey-ace, because you thought you were ace and now you like him, doesn't mean you experience sexual attraction like an allosexual person. I don't think demi, because honestly you said you were really just friends with him up until this point so I doubt you have a deep meaningful emotional connection enough for this to be a demisexual thing just yet. But that's just my thoughts. Either way, I wouldn't stress about this too much, just have fun and if it changes your thoughts on your sexuality, then it is what it is.

"Liked him and liked the pleasure" sounds kinda sexual. But it's just my opinion on it. Even my sexual friends (pretty much all women) don't all experience attraction on a frequent basis, some even quite rarely, but they just know that they wouldn't live their entire lives without it if they had the choice.

I meant liked him, as in romantically. And liking the pleasure doesn't mean anything, there're ace people who masturbate for that reason, doesn't make them less ace, or at least that's what I think.

(and apparently my definition of ace is wrong, because I didn't think it had anything to do with desiring sex, just the whole attraction thing. Am I wrong?)

You are correct for the most part. enjoying physical stimulation is not necessarily sexual, but however it is a cotroversial area, as our language has a fine line between enjoying having our bits touched and sexual enjoying having our bits touched. we just don't have any good language to clear state which is which. but, there is a very odd movement towards a hypothesis that anyone who can physically enjoy having their bits touched is sexual. for some odd odd reason <_<

[Nailgun-mishap]

Thank you for all the responses.

I think the reason why I'm so confused is because there are so many labels thrown around these days. Even in the asexual community there's so many labels that I don't even know what most of them mean.

Maybe you guys are right, I may not be asexual after all. It's entirely possible that I'm sexual, just with a much lower sex drive than the average sexual person.

[henshin]

It's just that for most of the sexuals posting on here, none of the 97 versions of 'attraction' used have much to do with how we experience wanting sex with someone and asexuals can't pin it down because they never experience it, so it's not very useful as a concept. Just have a look at the number of threads about it.

Try asking yourself:

- Would I be distressed at the thought of never having sex again?

- If my partner never initiated sex, would I initiate it?

- In a relationship, does sex give me an intense high and feeling of bonding that I can't get any other way?

I'm not claiming any scientific robustness for this, it's pretty back of an envelope, but sexuals will say yes to those questions, asexuals will say no, as a rule of thumb.

Please can we take this bold text and have that as the questionnaire you have to answer before you can post a topic asking if you're asexual?

[Quinoa]

It's absolutely up to you to decide if you are asexual or somewhere on the spectrum, or if you even want a label at all. Regardless of what you decide, congratulations on your self-discovery! Some asexuals do enjoy sex, and want it sometimes. The definition most widely accepted for asexuality is "a person who does not experience sexual attraction," not "a person who does not enjoy/want/desire sex," although some people define it that way. This is all up to you.

If you use the first definition, I don't think anything you said contradicts it. You might want sex because people generally want things they enjoy, even if it's not necessarily the case that you have an intrinsic desire or need for sex. It might be like a dessert you like--you enjoy eating it and you think about it if you might be eating some of it soon, but that doesn't mean you would feel emotionally deprived without it. Or it might be sexual attraction, but we can't determine that for you.

I think this goes without saying, but regardless of what you are, you are still welcome in this community for as long as you like it here and/or find it useful. :)

[Grumpy Alien]

After 4 years of identifying as asexual, I'm - gasp - dropping the label usage online. (Though not due to any experience on my part, just rethinking things.) I disagree with a lot of things said here but I'm not posting to debate the definition of asexuality. I just think that if you know what you like and what you don't want, that's the important part. Not the label.

[Star Bit]

If someone WANTS sex they're sexual. Simple as that.

[Quinoa]

If someone WANTS sex they're sexual. Simple as that.

Asexuals might want sex for reasons that have nothing to do with sexual attraction. Many asexuals can experience sexual arousal, and they might want sex because it feels good to them, even if they are not attracted to people. They might have a libido and it might give them a release, or if they have a partner, they might want to meet the needs of their partner. If some people define it as not having any sexual desire/not enjoying sex, that's fine, but that is by no means the only way people use the term.

[Star Bit]

No, half of SEXUALS want sex for reasons other than sexual attraction. If someone wants sex to satisfy arousal or because it feels good that's a majority of SEXUAL people, not ace. If they're ok with consenting to sex if they have an active desire to masturbate that's ace. Aces wanting to make a partner happy or to get prego is strictly that and not wanting sex; look up the definition of want. If someone wants the bond/oxytocin that only sex can produce for them then they want sex. And not having sexual desire does not amount to not enjoying sex, those are two different things. Only elitists define orientation by enjoyment. An asexual can enjoy sex but they cannot desire it, otherwise that's just a normal sexual person. Enjoyment and desire are two different things that are just typically paired. Everyone's had a food they weren't a fan of but found it to taste fine. That's enjoyment without desire.

[El-not-so-ace]

Yeah, come on people, there's nothing wrong for being sexual. That doesn't mean that they're salivating beasts, being pulled in every direction with attraction all the time. God forbid that someone might not fall in the rare 1% of being an ace...

[Quinoa]

I'm going to stop commenting after this, but I still don't agree that someone who wants sex cannot be asexual. As I said before, people often want things they enjoy. That doesn't mean they experience sexual attraction. I also never said there was anything wrong with being sexual.

[dissolved]

I'm going to stop commenting after this, but I still don't agree that someone who wants sex cannot be asexual. As I said before, people often want things they enjoy. That doesn't mean they experience sexual attraction. I also never said there was anything wrong with being sexual.

Then what's sexual attraction?

[El-not-so-ace]

I'm going to stop commenting after this, but I still don't agree that someone who wants sex cannot be asexual. As I said before, people often want things they enjoy. That doesn't mean they experience sexual attraction. I also never said there was anything wrong with being sexual.

By that definition alone, bam, bump that percentage of asexuals up to 30% at least...

[Urchin]

Some people are saying if you want sex then you cannot be asexual. I do not entirely agree with that statement but I'd be willing to debate it. It's like saying that a lesbian isn't a lesbian if she isn't gold star. If it's all to do with the feeling and not necessarily the person then I would not think it made you any less asexual. But if you look at any person and think you'd like to have sex with them then you are not asexual in my opinion. One could argue if it's all about the feeling then why don't you masturbate but I'm pretty sure there has to be a difference. One can want sex for the feeling but if they are not sexually attracted to anyone, as I've said before, they aren't necessarily any less asexual.

[Star Bit]

No, that's a complete fact; desiring sex means you are an absolutely normal sexual person and is what makes people sexual PERIOD. People saying real lesbians are only Gold Stars are defining on BEHAVIOR, which we know doesn't make orientation, DESIRE does. We are not saying asexuals cannot sexually compromise, we are saying asexuals can factually not DESIRE sex. Someone wanting sex for the feeling but never finding anyone sexually alluring/sexually attractive is HALF the sexual population because sexuals desire sex for more reasons than just finding one particular person tempting. That's the whole problem with the banner definition; it misinforms masses amount of people who aren't educated on what normal allosexuals do because sexuals just don't find any point in talking in depth about something that's as common and easy to comprehend as water (i.e. to them). If someone desires sex for sexual or emotional pleasure (even if it's only after foreplay) they are a completely normal sexual person.